Feeling depressed without a friend in the US

[Joecy]

There aren't so many people asking questions, so I decided to talk about my problem, maybe it will help in a way.

 

I was home doing phone calls for the last two weeks, my daughter went to camp, husband at work. I talked to probably 5 people a day, in Chinese, introducing You May magazine to Chinese schools, Chinese churches and associations. The calls were intense, I stay in the house the whole time. The only people I saw were my families and my cat.

 

I thought I was reaching out and communicating to people, I was being very active and not isolated. By end of that 2 weeks, I suddenly collapsed into tears. I told my husband, how much I miss Shanghai -- being with friends, go out to eat together, go karaoke, or visit each other. But I have no one here. It's so hard to make friend when you are a grow-up.... I sobbed for half an hour.

 

The next day, I realize this is not just about missing hometown. I also didn't set my foot out of the door. I was at home the whole time, not seeing people, didn't have face to face contact made me depressed.

 

Later I called another stay at home mom, she told me her life was this way for 9 years after she became a mother, then there's the 2nd kid. She was also depressed, "My husband went to work in the day time. She was alone. When he came back, he eats, then went to bed. I had to clean the dishes. People think I only care of my kids, but I want to tell them, that I have myself too!"

 

I don't know how the American women can be so content being a stay-at-home mothers. What's their secret?

 

To Chinese, everything became harder living in this country. Have to push ourselves all the time. And I feel so tired!

 

 

[Mick]

Joecy, I can relate to what you are saying. I am retired, my wife is at work a minimum of 11 hours a day, counting her commute, and my daughter is in school until 3 pm each afternoon. On top of that, I have some fairly significant health problems that decrease my stamina somewhat, so all in all, I am fairly isolated. Back in March I had a major heart episode and since that time, my docs say that it is dangerous for me to drive. As a result, I am not only isolated, but pretty much stuck in the house. Sometimes I find myself wanting to just stand on my back deck and scream. I have found that what works for me more than anything else is to have some sort of routine. Also, I make sure to get dressed every day as if I was going to go out of the house. I have also found that having various projects to work on, with set goals, etc. helps keep me focused as well. I do some volunteer work through my church and that gets me out of the house (since I have been unable to drive, a friend from church comes to pick me up). Life can get very lonely I am sure, especially for you. When I moved to China back in 1997, I experienced similar feelings of isolation. This was particularly true when, after the first year, I moved to another city and my wife Li was unable to come with me the first year due to her work unit. I arrived in my new city in June, but the new semester did not begin until August and the campus was deserted. I passed the time by taking the bus downtown and exploring the city, but I did get very bored from time to time.

[amberjack1234]

Josey, I sympathize with you a lot. I can only imagine what I would feel like if I were in China. I don't speak the language and at 66 years old I don't imagine that I ever will. I can't offer much help for you. Other than understanding how you feel. Perhaps some of the other husbands that have wife's in your situation could help more. You see I have been retired since I was 50 years old and when my wife cane here we were together constantly so she never showed any signs of home sickness what so ever. If she did she never let on to the fact that she was. She did not have any friends here either and still don't. She likes it just that way. There are several Chinese girls in town that tried to make friends with her but she would not have it. One of my close friends, a doctor, wife was Chinese her same age but she did not make friends with her either. I worry about her because if something happens to me who will she depend on?

 

Some of the husbands that were working when their wives came here moved to China once they retired. Unless they could speak and read Chinese the situation was reversed then. Some wives live close to or in a China town here in the US so it is easier for them but it does seem to severely limit their ability to assimilate into the American way of life as well as learning to speak better english. That is not the case with you as you speak and write very good english.

 

I wish you luck and I am sure that someone here will come along with more GOOD advice for you. I just wanted you to know that someone here understands your situation. I am glad that my wife assimilated into the American life so well as it would have deeply depressed me. All except her lack of interest in making friends. I can also tell you that I lost some friends when I married my Chinese wife but I don't miss them at all because they were not real friends to begin with. Good riddance to them one and all.

 

If you have posted it please forgiven me for missing it but what part of America do you live?

 

Larry

[Dennis143]

Well, you will always have us here for you, Joecy.

 

I was unemployed looking for work about twenty years ago. It was the first time I experienced not being among the working. I was isolated at home when I wasn't out looking for work or going on interviews. One thing that struck me was how important social interaction is with humans. Working and interacting with your coworkers satisfies those feelings of being socially connected. I remembered when I finally landed the job I have today and how good it felt to be among everyone else who was commuting to work. I sometimes concerned that when/if I retire that I will have similar feelings of being socially isolated and I know that I must, need to continue to teach ESL and Citizenship or something to keep me connected to the outside world.

 

My wife, Leiqin, said that she cried for the first two years she was here. She felt so lonely and isolated. Fortunately, we live among the largest population of Asians in America. And, especially through our church, Leiqin has met and has a large circle of Chinese friends here. In fact, I admit that many of my closest friends are Chinese too. So, she's lucky.... I guess.

I'm not so sure that being isolated within such a large Chinese community has been the best for my wife's ability to adapt to the real western life. Still, it is what it is.

 

You live in Michigan. Is it a small town? Are there any opportunities where you can work or volunteer your time? Hang in there. Every day gets easier.

[Catherineli]

HI Joecy, glad to see you again! We are challenged not only with losing friends or being isolated. The big challenge is losing identity for us, the Chinese professional women who speak English. We are so much used working and interacting with people. You're also a people person by personality, I can see. I like your term of "transplanted" on the first issue of You May. We are really a growing tree being uprooted and transplanted into a new soil. So be patient. Allow yourself grow. We just need time to root ourselves again deeper into the American land.

 

In my school book, there is a sentence like this, "What is heaven? Heaven is American house, Chinese food, French art, German car". I see American houses are very large with different doors and many rooms.

Joecy, can you clean your American house the way you like in China?

 

Catherine

[danb]

Joecy, Hello. Sorry that you are having some problems. I don't think that you are alone with those problems. Many other Chinese women when they come to the US must face the same issues that you do. You must feel isolated in your new home. Things are not the same. Hopefully part of these feelings will disappear when your child(ren) come back and start school.

 

Do you drive or have access to a good public transportation? In Shanghai you must have had access to everything in your neighborhood or could easily get a taxi, to the subway or catch the bus to get to what you wanted..

 

Making friends can be difficult but your new friends are out there waiting to meet you. Do you know about the PTA? Perhaps you can get involved with them Or perhaps you can find a local group that would be interested in learning about China from you. Personally speaking I like learning. I have taken several courses at local high schools and colleges. Learn something new and interesting and make some new friends at the same time. Maybe even sign up for some ESL classes. Your written English is excellent. I suspect your is spoken English is good as well. But in those ESL classes you will find many different people from many different places that share the same type of problems that you are experiences. Hang in there. I wish you all good luck . Danb

[Joecy]

Josey, I sympathize with you a lot. I can only imagine what I would feel like if I were in China. I don't speak the language and at 66 years old I don't imagine that I ever will. I can't offer much help for you. Other than understanding how you feel. Perhaps some of the other husbands that have wife's in your situation could help more. You see I have been retired since I was 50 years old and when my wife cane here we were together constantly so she never showed any signs of home sickness what so ever. If she did she never let on to the fact that she was. She did not have any friends here either and still don't. She likes it just that way. There are several Chinese girls in town that tried to make friends with her but she would not have it. One of my close friends, a doctor, wife was Chinese her same age but she did not make friends with her either. I worry about her because if something happens to me who will she depend on?

 

Some of the husbands that were working when their wives came here moved to China once they retired. Unless they could speak and read Chinese the situation was reversed then. Some wives live close to or in a China town here in the US so it is easier for them but it does seem to severely limit their ability to assimilate into the American way of life as well as learning to speak better english. That is not the case with you as you speak and write very good english.

 

I wish you luck and I am sure that someone here will come along with more GOOD advice for you. I just wanted you to know that someone here understands your situation. I am glad that my wife assimilated into the American life so well as it would have deeply depressed me. All except her lack of interest in making friends. I can also tell you that I lost some friends when I married my Chinese wife but I don't miss them at all because they were not real friends to begin with. Good riddance to them one and all.

 

If you have posted it please forgiven me for missing it but what part of America do you live?

 

Larry

 

Larry,

Thank you for being so understanding!

 

I lived in a small town in Michigan. We have around 150 Chinese families here, I met them at activities arranged by the local Chinese associations.

It was nice to talk to them, using my mother tone makes me alive!

 

But I feel like it's really take extra work to be friends with people, once you became a mother, our live evolved around our children. Chinese also didn't like to share problem or ask question, which makes the conversation really to run dry, or stay on surface...

[Joecy]

HI Joecy, glad to see you again! We are challenged not only with losing friends or being isolated. The big challenge is losing identity for us, the Chinese professional women who speak English. We are so much used working and interacting with people. You're also a people person by personality, I can see. I like your term of "transplanted" on the first issue of You May. We are really a growing tree being uprooted and transplanted into a new soil. So be patient. Allow yourself grow. We just need time to root ourselves again deeper into the American land.

 

In my school book, there is a sentence like this, "What is heaven? Heaven is American house, Chinese food, French art, German car". I see American houses are very large with different doors and many rooms.

Joecy, can you clean your American house the way you like in China?

 

Catherine

 

Catherine,

You are so cute!

 

No, I can't clean the American house the way I used to in China. The web mop won't work for carpeting. I still don't like vacuuming, the deadly heavy machine clunk my feet and it hurts every time! I'm not a good housewife, I do laundry once a week. Only clean the house if I can't stand it. And I'm pretty good at ignoring the dust, well, it's really not that dusty like in China.

[Joecy]

You are all so kind, I feel a lot better! Thank you all~~

Volunteering, join Parent Teacher Association, ESL classes and CFL, I will come cry here from time to time

 

I will hang in here, I will say the same thing to other Chinese women who just arrived.

[Doug]

Joecy, back in September I wrote something but had no time or no internet to post it. I was in China almost the whole month, in a new Olympic complex in Xuzhou for one thing. We were very busy as well. I can't cut and paste anything, so I will have to rewrite the best I can.

 

I frankly don't know how you ladies do it, after you come to the USA. I fell in love with the Chinese people on my first 2 trips in 2000 - 2002. I cried that 2nd time as I flew away to Korea. It is the closeness of the people, that I had as a child in the USA. Never mind all the corruption and other things wrong, there is a closeness in China that we have lost in the USA, I feel. Airconditioning and TV and other media caused us to drift apart. China will do the same I fear.

 

Why not bring China to the USA rather than worry about what us Americans do? Go meet your husband at work for lunch at times. Have him bring some work mates. Maybe turn that into family dinners, or other activities together. Start a block party for your neighborhood. Folks in my old neighborhood used to do that, as we were all one big happy family with a bunch of us kids born about the same time to our then young parents.

 

An old boss of mine moved his family from California to Texas and became very lonely. So they invited their neighbors over for a block party and they all had a blast, got to know and help each other after that, and continued to have parties in various homes on the block after that.

 

Just an idea. Heck, make us ol stiff necked Americans talk, will Ya?

Edited October 11, 2014 by Doug (see edit history)

[Thomas Promise]

If you want to get know someone ask them about themselves. Ask them what they like to do. This is the art of listening. After a cordial meeting you could invite them out to eat. Breaking bread has been a social lubricant for 1,000s of years. It is the fulcrum of life.

You can't wait for someone just to show up. Love thy neighbor but choose the neighborhood.

[Catherineli]

I totally agree! Ask what THEY like to do, and we will see who they are and whom we will be with. It's important for us not to be with dangerous people. To stay safe is the priority in a new world.

[Joecy]

Doug, these are wonderful suggestions! I am sorry you have to retype everything, I appreciate your time and thoughts.

 

I also felt the the warms our folks have here on the forum. Very special!

 

Seems easier saying what you think behind a screen.. I admire your friend held a block party, I am not confident enough to do so, yet ;p

 

But, I might go surprise my husband for lunch!

[Joecy]

Well said, Thomas!

 

I still need to learn how to care for others, ask about them, not always me me me!!

[Doug]

Doug, these are wonderful suggestions! I am sorry you have to retype everything, I appreciate your time and thoughts.

 

I also felt the the warms our folks have here on the forum. Very special!

 

Seems easier saying what you think behind a screen.. I admire your friend held a block party, I am not confident enough to do so, yet ;p

 

But, I might go surprise my husband for lunch!

Well, get his help if your shy. Or Yall do together. Yes my friend was all personality, so easy for him. Anyway, have your hubby invite friends over, maybe... Just bring China to the USA..............wyyy heck most others are. Jest look at the Mexicans. They have a good time.