Social Tips or Comments to help the ladies...anyone?

[Doug]

Interesting forum.

 

I almost responded in one thread but it didn't fit, so here is this. A few things come to mind to help with getting along with your husbands family and friends. Every situation is different, but just some of my experiences.

 

Let me start by saying, don't be afraid of being yourself. In fact maybe I should not even list the things below. Be yourself, and be genuine. The main thing is if you treat your spouse with dignity, respect, and love, everyone will see it and love you for who you are.

 

 

When having a Thanksgiving party for family and friends, at your new home with your hubby, don't be surprised if some of them don't like your Chinese dishes. Have plenty of traditional American food for them for the occasion, your hubby will know, of course many of the guests will bring food to add to the occasion, or will ask you what to bring. Get your husbands advice on this or just ask them. Usually only one brings the Turkey, or ham. On the other hand, have some Chinese food available. Some will be curious and/or polite and want to try it. Perhaps have a drawer full of chopsticks incase they want to try them too. Expect many left overs and folks dividing the food up, regardless of who made what, to take to their various homes. If not at your home ask the host what they would like for you to bring, and maybe add a Chinese dish...

 

At dinner parties at your home, perhaps refrain from being polite by placing food in your guests plate if this is your first time eating with them. Or, if you do, explain to them that you like them and sharing the food with them that way is a sign of affection, or something, in China. I had a cousin talk to me many months if not years later about this. He didn't like my wife at the time, doing that, and didn't know why she did that for him, but not some of the others. You know, us Americans are not too shy about getting what food we want on our plates, though some are. Now for me, I was happy the wife did whatever she wanted, and just let my family adjust.

 

Again, just be yourself and don't worry about it. All of us in the USA need to be polite and nice to you. After all, you are the ones making the big change in life.

 

I don't know if others have anything to add. Perhaps driving tips, and other social things?

Edited August 6, 2014 by Doug (see edit history)

[Dennis143]

Good one, Doug. On the topic of Chinese food...

 

I tried for years to enjoy everything my wife cooked or Chinese friends made at potlucks or special Chinese food ordered at restuarants. But, I finally had to admit to myself that there are certain flavors that are an acquired Chinese taste and that I probably will never learn to enjoy.

 

When we were first married and were visiting my parents, I made the mistake of asking Leiqin to bring a pot of her mushroom soup for my dad to enjoy. Pop took one sip from the bowl and quietly nudged the bowl as far away from his plate as he could.

 

Chinese are proud of their food. One of the first things Chinese will ask me with a big beaming smile is "Do you like Chinese food?" For a long time, not to offend, I would give them a thumbs up with a "hen hao". But, now I just tell them the truth that I like some and some I don't care for. Don't get me wrong, there are many dishes that I just can't get enough of, still there's an equal amount that I just won't eat.

 

It's the same with American food for Chinese. Take turkey, its an indiginous North American bird with a distinct flavor which Americans love. Turkey has a strange taste to Chinese and can take years if ever for them to learn to enjoy it too.

 

Bottom line, both need to understand and not take offense if one or the other doesn't like the other's favorite dish.

Edited August 7, 2014 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[warpedbored]

My wife likes turkey, especially the dark meat. I'm like you Dennis. Some Chinese food I like and some I don't care for. I find I like the Guangdong style foods the most. I don't care for hot and spicy dishes my wife loves. I like lots of kinds of food. I don't want to eat Chinese food every day. My wife is pretty open minded about trying different foods. The only two she doesn't care for are Indian and Mexican. Two of my favorites. She loves me though. Last night she brought home take out and got me Curry.

[amberjack1234]

Carl the wife loves turkey too and cranberries. I am like you and Dennis there are some Chinese dishes that I absolutely love and there are some that I could live without for the rest of my life. I love a large variety of foods too and there is not much in America that I won't eat.

 

One Chinese thing that I have never tried but have seen it made is the fish sauce that they mix up and put it in the large terracotta pots, put a burlap bag over it to keep the insects out and let it ferment like that. I might love it but it looks pretty disgusting making it.

 

Larry

[Mick]

During my years living in China, I ate a wide range of things and normally would eat whatever was served out of courtesy. However, I did draw the line with Sea Worm and New Born Mice, the latter served in a thick soup that looked like Pepto Bismol. I also steered clear of most sea food as I am allergic to idodine. In keeping with the topic of this thread, I would say that our new arrivals from China should feel comfortable refusing to eat certain things that they find distasteful. Most people will not feel offended. If you had rather not refuse, just take a small amount and perhaps take a small bite. I often did that in China. Once I was the guest of honor at a large banquet and was honored with the head of a turtle that was on the table. I got around that one by informing the host that the other foreign teacher at the dinner was of a higher status than me and they quickly put the head on her plate. Poor lady, who didn't know me, never knew what happened. Sometimes, you have to be kind of creative.

 

Li has adjusted to American food very well and likes most things. She loves turkey and also loves Mexican food, which she has learned how to prepare quite well. Like many Chinese, she at first had major issues with drinking cold liquids, like iced tea - a staple here in the South. Often when we went out to eat she would ask for hot water to drink, which baffled many waitresses and waiters. Eventually, she learned to just order hot tea to avoid the confusion.

Edited August 7, 2014 by Mick (see edit history)

[Catherineli]

Once American, always American;once Chinese, always Chinese. I only cook Chinese food and I feel many Americans are being polite if they tell me they like Chinese food. Now I even don't ask how much or if they like Chinese food. To bring food to some occasions such as Thanksgiving Day, or a tailgate party, I feel very pressured because I'm embarrassed if very few people eat my food. I think I may take some soft drink or cakes next time.

 

Thanks! I'll be myself! I'll have to be Chinese. Americans don't like others "baby" them by placing food to their plate. I don't like others touch my food with their fingers. Once two ladies taught me to dip peanut butter with a piece of apple. I didn't want, so they grabbed a piece covered with peanut butter, with their fingers, they made me open my mouth. So I ate a little apple passed from two people's hands.

 

So far, I've met three American women who told me "You're my daughter, I'm your mom." I know they mean "spiritual mom" or try to be close to me. No matter what, when the friendship is not that deep yet, I don't feel comfortable to be addressed daughter.

 

Back to food, I feel Ameircans eat too much bacon with pork grease. The fat may give more cholesterin. I totally agree that there is no offense to have different opinions towards food or anything else.

[amberjack1234]

Once American, always American;once Chinese, always Chinese. I only cook Chinese food and I feel many Americans are being polite if they tell me they like Chinese food. Now I even don't ask how much or if they like Chinese food. To bring food to some occasions such as Thanksgiving Day, or a tailgate party, I feel very pressured because I'm embarrassed if very few people eat my food. I think I may take some soft drink or cakes next time.

 

Thanks! I'll be myself! I'll have to be Chinese. Americans don't like others "baby" them by placing food to their plate. I don't like others touch my food with their fingers. Once two ladies taught me to dip peanut butter with a piece of apple. I didn't want, so they grabbed a piece covered with peanut butter, with their fingers, they made me open my mouth. So I ate a little apple passed from two people's hands.

 

So far, I've met three American women who told me "You're my daughter, I'm your mom." I know they mean "spiritual mom" or try to be close to me. No matter what, when the friendship is not that deep yet, I don't feel comfortable to be addressed daughter.

 

Back to food, I feel Ameircans eat too much bacon with pork grease. The fat may give more cholesterin. I totally agree that there is no offense to have different opinions towards food or anything else.

Yes, We southerners do love that beacon, sausage and the resulting fat. It makes many foods taste so good when it is added but like you said that cholesterol says come on boys lets march right to this guys heart and kill him. I stopped eating it about 12 years ago. I might have two pieces a year to to remind myself what I am missing.

 

I don't like food that people at the table have handled either. My wife puts everything on my plate. I don't like it much but it her way of showing me how much she loves me so I never say anything. She gives me to much and always the best part of everything.

 

When in China mother-in-law would put things on my plate using the handle end of her chopsticks.

 

Larry

[amberjack1234]

Once American, always American;once Chinese, always Chinese. I only cook Chinese food and I feel many Americans are being polite if they tell me they like Chinese food. Now I even don't ask how much or if they like Chinese food. To bring food to some occasions such as Thanksgiving Day, or a tailgate party, I feel very pressured because I'm embarrassed if very few people eat my food. I think I may take some soft drink or cakes next time.

 

Thanks! I'll be myself! I'll have to be Chinese. Americans don't like others "baby" them by placing food to their plate. I don't like others touch my food with their fingers. Once two ladies taught me to dip peanut butter with a piece of apple. I didn't want, so they grabbed a piece covered with peanut butter, with their fingers, they made me open my mouth. So I ate a little apple passed from two people's hands.

 

So far, I've met three American women who told me "You're my daughter, I'm your mom." I know they mean "spiritual mom" or try to be close to me. No matter what, when the friendship is not that deep yet, I don't feel comfortable to be addressed daughter.

 

Back to food, I feel Ameircans eat too much bacon with pork grease. The fat may give more cholesterin. I totally agree that there is no offense to have different opinions towards food or anything else.

Your first sentence reminded me of the day that Liren became a US Citizen. She said I feel like I have deserted China and I told her that you haven't deserted China you have just made thing more convenient and it simplifies a lot of things for you here and when the boggy man come for me one last time.

 

You are Chinese and you will always be a Chinese person no matter what a piece of paper says. That made her feel better. Besides it is quite simple to go back to China and denounce your American citizenship and become a Chinese citizen again if she ever desires to do so. At least that is what I'm told. For a lot of legal reason it is better to become a US citizen when it comes to pensions, traveling, getting her parent here and getting a government job if she ever wants to etc. She don't care about voting. She thinks that American politicians are just about a corrupt as Chinese politicians. It's is just kept behind closed doors more here.

 

Larry

[Joecy]

 

Let me start by saying, don't be afraid of being yourself. In fact maybe I should not even list the things below. Be yourself, and be genuine. The main thing is if you treat your spouse with dignity, respect, and love, everyone will see it and love you for who you are.

 

Love this. That self-confidence in us Chinese women is usually very small, or gone completely.

Very important for husbands to keep saying that to wives: Don't be afraid of being yourselves.

 

I was quite upset with the first couple Chinese dishes prepared for my step daughters. They are ok with dumplings, but not all the stir fry I made (Well, I was not that good at cooking. Not all Chinese women are good at cooking, we used to be spoiled by our parents cooking everything for us.) I thought I tried so hard to learn cooking, rode bike to the Chinese grocery store, buried my head in the kitchen for the whole afternoon, chopping like crazy, and no one helped me(no know knows how to help), but the food was left over on the plates in a big pile.

 

For the first couple months in the US, cooking was the only pride I had, kitchen was my kingdom, but that pride was gone...

You have to pick up yourself, and adjust!

 

Later, after many times of experiments, I realized there are some American food the girls didn't like either, and it is hard for people to get used to food they never had. I can't stand parmesan cheese! I started to learn western style: Pasta + tomato sauce+meat ball. Not grilling though, that's the husband's territory, he cooked a lot when the girls are here. As time goes by, they became used to my cooking, and found couple dishes they enjoyed. I grew thicker skin, learnt not to be that sensitive to rejection. Life goes on. We all love icecream!

[ameriken]

Best tip I can give from my own experience is not for the Chinese immigrants, but for the spouses that bring them here: don't force feed them American culture and food and people unless they are ready for the challenge and openly want to be immersed in it right away. Do it little by little to give them a chance to acclimate or until they are ready for more.

 

I cringed at Doug's example of "When having a Thanksgiving party for family and friends, at your new home with your hubby, don't be surprised if some of them don't like your Chinese dishes." Doug, this may work for your wife, but for mine this would have been a social assassination. Thrusting her into new and unfamiliar cultural holiday with many new and unfamiliar faces with much new and unfamiliar food. Having to sweat over whether or not her English was good enough or the feeling of not being able to engage in the conversations about football or other American issues. Stressing about what kind of impression she would make and what everyone might think of her. Now add to that the worry about how her food would be accepted and if she will make a social mistake that might offend someone.

 

Doug mentioned helping her understand how the American folks might respond to her food and how to deal with it, but what about how she'll feel and react to the American food everyone else brings? Should she just tell the Americans 'your food sucks' or should she do the phony polite thing and say 'it tastes great' when she really wants to puke? There's no correct answer, but I imagine all these feelings just adds enormous pressure on some of the newly immigrated Chinese ladies who may just barely have started getting used to all the other cultural differences they encounter on a daily basis.

For my wife, we did things very slowly in tiny bits and pieces which helped her get acclimated at her own pace, and greatly reduced the cultural shock I expected when she first arrived. If I suggested something and she wasn't ready for it, we just didn't do it until she was ready.

[Doug]

Well good. Everyone got to writing. There are several notable lines here, but....

 

I did not mean for this thread to center on food. It was just the first thing that popped into my head. Perhaps a discussion on the floor of the house and how Americans typically wear shoes from outside into the house. And, what happens when a family member (girl cousin in my case) shows up with a dog and they walk right into the house, and he sits down with his little ass right on your clean floor? It surprised me too, but... Yes, you ladies from the East must put up with a lot...

 

Please list, or bring up anything. ANYTHING!

[Joecy]

 

Thanks! I'll be myself! I'll have to be Chinese. Americans don't like others "baby" them by placing food to their plate. I don't like others touch my food with their fingers. Once two ladies taught me to dip peanut butter with a piece of apple. I didn't want, so they grabbed a piece covered with peanut butter, with their fingers, they made me open my mouth. So I ate a little apple passed from two people's hands.

 

 

I'm just starting to eat raw carrot with dips.

Not sure about raw celery with dips yet....

 

I will test on my parents first when they come in a month

[Doug]

Ken, it was an unplanned "bring your leftovers" party a day or two after Tday, now that I think about it. It was with who is now my ex, but she had been here 1-3 years I think, at that point. I agree with your saying to be slow, of course. I like Ham, not turkey. I only eat turkey out of politeness.

 

Clean floors and slippers. I take off shoes and wear socks or barefooted in the house, usually, not always, in China and the USA. And beware of the dogs ass, even though he cleans it with his medicated tongue. (I still have not asked that cousin to leave her dog home.) Will see what Fen thinks.

 

 

 

Love this. That self-confidence in us Chinese women is usually very small, or gone completely.

Very important for husbands to keep saying that to wives: Don't be afraid of being yourselves.

 

 

 

That self-confidence in us Chinese women is usually very small, or gone completely.

 

There I quoted it twice. THAT says a lot. What an admission. Thanks for being so brave. Forget about "face" so much in the USA, I think. I could open up a can of worms in this subject. What I mean is don't try always hide and act over confident all the time. Be yourself.

[Thomas Promise]

Once American, always American;once Chinese, always Chinese. I only cook Chinese food and I feel many Americans are being polite if they tell me they like Chinese food. Now I even don't ask how much or if they like Chinese food. To bring food to some occasions such as Thanksgiving Day, or a tailgate party, I feel very pressured because I'm embarrassed if very few people eat my food. I think I may take some soft drink or cakes next time.

 

Thanks! I'll be myself! I'll have to be Chinese. Americans don't like others "baby" them by placing food to their plate. I don't like others touch my food with their fingers. Once two ladies taught me to dip peanut butter with a piece of apple. I didn't want, so they grabbed a piece covered with peanut butter, with their fingers, they made me open my mouth. So I ate a little apple passed from two people's hands.

 

So far, I've met three American women who told me "You're my daughter, I'm your mom." I know they mean "spiritual mom" or try to be close to me. No matter what, when the friendship is not that deep yet, I don't feel comfortable to be addressed daughter.

 

Back to food, I feel Ameircans eat too much bacon with pork grease. The fat may give more cholesterin. I totally agree that there is no offense to have different opinions towards food or anything else.

If your going to do a tailgate party you have 2 options. If the group you are going with is on the religous side take the old relaible PBJ. = Peanut butter and jelly. If your going with a group of "Good Ole Boy Rednecks pack up a 7 course meal. = a six pack of beer and a ring of bolanga. NASCAR vids will help too. Mei wenti.

[Catherineli]

So many hilarious tips!! No, never need a beer or alcohol chance. Every woman has a deep deep sense of self protection, esp in a foreign country with many men around. By personality I laugh a lot but on this point I can't be myself. I mean I have to put on a solemn face on some occasions. I can't imagine what they do when I hear some Chinese women are molested by their men boss at work. There is such news on the Chinese forum where most Chinese women share about American life.

 

I laughed with Larry's words, "cholesterol says come on boys lets march right to this guys heart and kill him"!! Generally Ameircan people's physical constitution is stronger and their life span is longer.

 

Doug, Fen won't say anything or at least as far as she can stand the dog. Chinese usually keep reservations until they can't tolerate any minute. Americans are more direct and open-minded, which is what I like most.

Joecy, I eat raw celery a lot, not bad to me.

Ken, you're very patient with your wife! I respect men like you.