Marriage between US divorced man and Chinese divorced woman

[Randy W]

haha, funny, Randy agress with Dennis but Dennis didn't understand what Randy was saying. Hi Denni! Long time no see! Are you spending too much time learning Chinese? Randy, I guess you more or less speak Chinlish now. My American lady friend who stayed a long time in Changchun was told by her American peers that she speaks English in Chinese accent.

 

. . .

 

 

I would guess that that's mostly from grammar - yes, I speak a lot of Chinglish. And that's one reason why I spend a lot of time here (and CFV) and on Facebook - to try to keep in practice with my English. I figure (hope) even just typing will do that for me

[Thomas Promise]

 

Hello all. I'm a new member and very happy to find this forum.

 

I'm desparately in need of some insight into the Chinese female's culture thinking.

 

. . .

 

I would be so grateful for any insight into this situation. I'm willing to do just about anything to move forward with her to marriage. But I really want to understand, from the Chinese perspective, if her concerns are rational or not.

 

Thanks in advance!

 

Just to clarify what the Original Poster came here to seek.

 

Two reason we ask for advice. 1. A person asks for advice they already know the answer but wish they didn't or 2.They are looking for accomplice or both.

[Catherineli]

 

haha, funny, Randy agress with Dennis but Dennis didn't understand what Randy was saying. Hi Denni! Long time no see! Are you spending too much time learning Chinese? Randy, I guess you more or less speak Chinlish now. My American lady friend who stayed a long time in Changchun was told by her American peers that she speaks English in Chinese accent.

 

. . .

 

 

I would guess that that's mostly from grammar - yes, I speak a lot of Chinglish. And that's one reason why I spend a lot of time here (and CFV) and on Facebook - to try to keep in practice with my English. I figure (hope) even just typing will do that for me

 

Don't worry, Randy, I'll be your interpretor from Chinlish to English and from English to Chinlish. Welcome more Dennis to come here lol to misunderstand English

Randy, I found my IM box closed. I can't open it and I can't read and I can't send out anything from the IM box. Is that okay with yours?

[Randy W]

 

 

haha, funny, Randy agress with Dennis but Dennis didn't understand what Randy was saying. Hi Denni! Long time no see! Are you spending too much time learning Chinese? Randy, I guess you more or less speak Chinlish now. My American lady friend who stayed a long time in Changchun was told by her American peers that she speaks English in Chinese accent.

 

. . .

 

 

I would guess that that's mostly from grammar - yes, I speak a lot of Chinglish. And that's one reason why I spend a lot of time here (and CFV) and on Facebook - to try to keep in practice with my English. I figure (hope) even just typing will do that for me

 

Don't worry, Randy, I'll be your interpretor from Chinlish to English and from English to Chinlish. Welcome more Dennis to come here lol to misunderstand English

Randy, I found my IM box closed. I can't open it and I can't read and I can't send out anything from the IM box. Is that okay with yours?

 

 

I don't see any reason why you are having trouble with PM's. What are you seeing?

 

Sometimes Internet content is just slow to load, and you either have to just wait longer, or try again (by refreshing the screen) in order to get it a particular feature to function like it should.

Edited July 28, 2014 by Randy W (see edit history)

[Catherineli]

PM, not IM! thanks for reading my words correct. BUT no, I can't open my PM box on CFL. I tried several times, and even close the computer. I noticed you just sent me one for a try. My email notice is there! I'll figure out later. xiexie Randy!

[warpedbored]

Yajie I Checked your settings in the admin panel and everything is fine. I s no reason why you can't access your PMs.

[Catherineli]

HI Carl, Randy, I found I can open the box now by clicking on the "personal messenger" that I didn't notice before. I used to click on the envelope beside the "notifications". So now I must turn to my "personal messenger".

xiexie !

YJ

[moondog1001]

Thanks again everyone. She and I have discussed the subject of step-kids some more, and my step-daughter in particular. She's unwavering in her belief that it's completely unacceptable for me to maintain a relationship with my step-daughter. At this point, she can't accept that this is a cultural difference. She just can't fathom that this is acceptable in the west.

 

Thanks Former Resident of China for the video clip about Chinese women. My experience pretty much confirms everything that was said there. I've actually spent about 6 months in China over the past five years, so I've had quite a bit of exposure to Chinese culture and women. But I hadn't encountered the step-kids issue before so, hence the post.

 

The only other topic she and I have butted heads on is that of inter-gender friendships. In her book, that's also taboo. Even in the case where I've had a female friend for many years, she can't accept that it's only a friendship. The video clip indicates that this is typical for Chinese women. This is another area that she can't accept as a "cultural difference".

 

My take is that, overall she's not controlling or manipulative. But these two topics are boundaries she's not willing / able to budge on.

 

My intent is to find a partner and companion for the rest of my life. In every other aspect, I feel she's perfect. And these two areas aren't deal-breakers for me, in and of themselves.

 

Her K1 visa should get approved in about three months. In the meantime we'll continue to talk about a lot of things. After she's in the USA we have three months to get married. If I feel she's controlling or manipulative after she gets here, I'm sure it would surface within those three months. In that case, she can return to China. No harm, no foul. But I tend to think her views will moderate as she spends more time in the USA.

[Dennis143]

Just know that a woman returning to China without getting married is a disastrous loss of face for her. You should really understand how her returning without being married is an option that should not be considered.

 

Her demands are "not a deal breaker"... so, are you willing to end your friendship and your relationship with your step-daughter for her?

 

It is very common for Chinese to maintain relationships with their classmates throughout life. This includes elementary school through HS. My wife maintains contacts with male classmates to this day. I find your intended's obdurate stance on this subject

quite troubling.

 

I know how you have a lot of time, money and emotions invested in this woman to simply throw in the towel at this point. I will wager that if you were to end it, she will promise you anything and everything you want.

 

Good luck, Moondoggie.

Edited July 28, 2014 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[warpedbored]

A K-1 visa is to give you time to plan a wedding. It is not intended for use as a trial marriage. You are supposed to be 100% sure before you bring her over here. As Dennis mentioned it could cause her great shame as well as great harm. Before she comes she has to quit her job, move out of her home. pack and ship what possessions she wants to take with her and dispose of what she can't keep. How is she supposed to pick up the pieces and move on with her life should you reject her once she is here? Shame on you for even considering such a thing. Settle the issues once and for all before she comes or cancel the whole thing.

[Joecy]

Joecy, that was very courageous of you to post that. I am glad that you feel secure enough here to make post like that. Keep on posting an honest Chinese female side of the story. Something that a lot of us don't even understand after years of being married to a Chinese lady. Some couples just don't communicate enough.

 

Larry

Larry, thanks for your encouraging words. I will try to keep up.

[Joecy]

Joecy, like Larry said, your insights are so very valuable because of your experience. And yes, it was very courageous to share those things. I do see, however, a major difference in what you describe and the situation described by the OP. It seems his lady is unwilling to even entertain the possibility of working this out, so much so that she is making unreasonable demands on the gentlemen in question. I know in my situation, my wife is very open to my daughter from my previous marriage and also, she even talks with my ex-wife from time to time on the phone. We all get along well, which is a tribute to my wife's openness and flexibility. In the case of the OP, my main concerns are that she is demanding that he terminate a long-standing relationship so that she will not feel uncomfortable. I think this is a major warning sign of future problems.

Mick, thanks for your note! I'm still learning to be more open, not judgmental. I found myself quickly jump into conclusion based on what I saw(surface) or heard growing up in China(stereotype usually):

 

- Most of the Chinese media(book, TV shows) describe stepmother as monsters or sick torturer (like Cinderella's stepmother)

I don't remember seeing any positive image for stepmother. Again no guidance on how to manage step relation.

Everyone has their own limit - the key is whether you are willing to break your limit, try something uncomfortable, for someone worthwhile!

 

- Western men are all romantic(also from media, or else ), dress well, all handsome, send flowers, skillful at making women happy...

But not so much on the problem/challenges western men are dealing with,

Not so much on how involved western men are when it came to parenting, stay home dad! for the case this, relation with stepchildren.

 

For our OP's situation, I wouldn't be surprised that most of the Chinese women will be shocked, and didn't know what to do.

 

Mick, you are very lucky to have such a open-minded wife. I feel happy for you!!

[Joecy]

Completely agree with Dennis and Carl!

[Thomas Promise]

Marriage is a very serious commitment on both parties part. It ain't no dress rehersal. When you go down the aisle you can't have one eye on the altar and the other eye on the exit sign. Recipe for failure.

Once your love is here and she finds you want to send her packing back to China. She may resort to some drastic retaliations upon you. The favorite is the good old false domestic violence charge. I speak from experience on this con. This is when you get set up for automatic green card freebie. She could call 911 and say you hit her and presto the cops come and arrest you. Or have a friend swear that you threatened her with severe bodily harm. Of course since your a man you are automatically guilty until you prove yourself innocent. She goes out and finds a real gutter gopher to represent her in court. These roaches real goal is too extort money out of you. The don't give a tinkers damn about their client. She is just a vehicle to be used to drain you. You have a lot to think about. I wish you good luck whatever you decide. If love don't come easy it is best to let it go.

[Mick]

Marriage is a very serious commitment on both parties part. It ain't no dress rehersal. When you go down the aisle you can't have one eye on the altar and the other eye on the exit sign. Recipe for failure.

Once your love is here and she finds you want to send her packing back to China. She may resort to some drastic retaliations upon you. The favorite is the good old false domestic violence charge. I speak from experience on this con. This is when you get set up for automatic green card freebie. She could call 911 and say you hit her and presto the cops come and arrest you. Or have a friend swear that you threatened her with severe bodily harm. Of course since your a man you are automatically guilty until you prove yourself innocent. She goes out and finds a real gutter gopher to represent her in court. These roaches real goal is too extort money out of you. The don't give a tinkers damn about their client. She is just a vehicle to be used to drain you. You have a lot to think about. I wish you good luck whatever you decide. If love don't come easy it is best to let it go.

 

Well said, Tom. I especially like your statement about not having "one eye on the altar and the other eye on the exit sign." So very true my friend. I think one of the most tragic aspects of our culture is a slow but steady erosion of the value of commitment. Relationships, like so many other things, have become disposable.