Marriage between US divorced man and Chinese divorced woman

[Catherineli]

Hi Moondog,

I’m Chinese living in China and older than your finance. I think I can read her heart. So I just texted you a message on the word before I pasted here. BTW, "Small Three" refers to the husband's mistress.

China's sexual revolution has been underway for years. Now it has reached the point of no return. Many people are insecure with their family in China. That’s why there is a saying, “Small Three is like a rat going across the street that everyone will kill.”

With this psychological insecurity, your fiancee comes to the New World to marry you who were her brand new stranger two years ago (maybe). I bet she doesn’t speak English a lot. She doesn’t know American culture very well. She even has no female western friends in America. That being said, she has no social circles in the USA where she intends to build her home for the rest of her life with you whom she wants to entrust her life with.

“Love me, love my dog” is deeply rooted everywhere in the world. If you love your fiancee, you will love her biological children. Vice versa, which means if you love your step children, you also love “step wife”. I mean your ex. So when you keep in touch with your step daughter (43 years) your fiancee starts to be alert asking in her heart, Does he still love his ex-wife? She was not controlling you by threatening not to marry you. She was only being adventurous and brave. As for the controlling spirit, you can tell yourself through many other things in the daily life.

Imagine, you go to China to marry a woman and will stay in China forever as your plan. Then someday you suddenly found your woman still in touch with her ex-husband’s family. What would you do? Will you still have peace in this totally new environment?

If I were the fiancee, I would help the man to take care of the step children, or even build friends with the ex-wife, because I would like to sow a seed of trust to both of them, also because I want to earn respect to myself from both of them. As for your fiancee, I’m afraid she has no experiences to deal with American family. She is in fear of “Small Three,” a shadow from China.

It is true with many Chinese women that they can’t have peace to see your affection to the step children from your ex wife. She is not being competitive with your 43 year step daughter, though.

 

Different people have different opinions. Everything is in God’s hand!

May your life be full of sunshine forever!

Catherine

[moondog1001]

Hi Catherine,

I so appreciate your insights! At least now I know her concerns have some cultural foundation, an isn't just an irrational obsession. I'll continue to talk with her about this.

 

I think one reason that my relationship with my step-daughter is especially painful for her, is because her own daughter died just as she was about to enter university / adulthood. And now I understand better her associating my step-daughter to my ex-wife. She actually does maintain a relationship with her ex-husband's mother, and a little with his younger brother. Both of them were very supportive to her during her daughter's long illness, even though that occurred after her divorce. I'm glad she still has these relationships. I can't imagine going through a tragedy like that, so any support she receives I'm very grateful for. She doesn't relate to her ex-husband (who's remarried and has a son with the new wife), except maybe around tomb-sweeping day. This year they visited her grave on the same day.

 

My fiancee lives in Nanning. Though it's a city of over 3 million. it's not nearly as exposed to western culture as are Shanghai, Beijing, Shenzhen, etc. So, you're right, she doesn't really know western culture, has no western female friends, or any social circle here. However, she has studied English and knows it well enough that we can understand each other reasonably well.

 

For now, I'll continue to be patient with her about this. When we are together in China, she gives me a lot of direction in a very loving way. She knows I don't know Chinese culture enough to avoid social mistakes with her friends and family on my own. So, I don't experience her as "controlling" in any are except my relationship with my step-daughter, or past female friends.

 

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to write to me about this! I'm grateful for any other insights you might share in order to bridge cultural gaps and avoid misunderstandings.

 

Best regards,

Moondog

[Randy W]

 

. . .

 

I maintain a relationship with my oldest (43 years) stepdaughter. She's mentally impaired. I send her a gift on her birthday and Christmas, visit her a couple times a year (she lives about 25 minutes drive from me), and see her one or two other times a year at events for my two blood kids.

 

My fiancee has a very difficult time accepting this relationship. She says the relationship is inappropriate because her mom and I are no longer married. From a legal standpoint, She feels strongly that, if I still regard her as my step-daughter, then I obviously consider my ex-wife as my wife. My fiancee has gone so far as to say that, if I continue relating to my stepdaughter as a stepdaughter, my fiancee won't marry me. I really don't get it.

 

. . .

 

 

Let's go back to the original post here. It seems to me that there are choices to be made - that the fiance can CHOOSE to marry (or not) the man she is engaged to, or that he can CHOOSE to become someone else in an effort to capitulate to her perceived "demands".

 

But are her "demands" really that controlling? It seems to me that there's a lot of room for them to be dealing with their own issues. Yes, he needs to explain the nature of his relationship with his step-daughter to the fiance, and the nature of his (lack of a ) relationship with his ex. Let her decide whether the situation is one she can live with.

 

The OP would do well to heed the advice about "control issues" - but HE will know whether that truly will be a factor in their relationship - we will not.

 

This seems pretty clear to me

 

If you love her very much, try Randy and Greg's suggestion: listen to her, make sure your love to her is secured, and explain how. Walk through the future with her, with your step children in it.

 

A perspective from a Chinese woman, hope this help .

 

[Catherineli]

Welcome our Moondog!! CFL is a good family where everyone is kind and genuine. You truly found the right place.

I totally agree with Randy that K1 has more choices, marry or not marry to the man. but it's easier said than done. After legally tortured for a long time in the process of immigration, and after she arrived in the USA, then the two breaks the relationship. It's too hard!! Hard for anyone, the man or the woman! Life is not like a movie. Comparing with the immigration procedure, the real life journey is much longer. So like Randy says, leave yourself more room to taste and chew before you know who is your wife.

 

Those who still take care of the step children are responsible and righteous men. I respect them! I also hope that American men appreciate and respect Chinese women who made a big effort coming to the USA after they give up their Chinese family and freinds! I also pray that Chinese women value and treasure their Mr Perfect, though no one is perfect, and though everyone is human.

 

BTW, You must have a special place for dogs in your heart, so Moondog!

Have a good day!

Catherine

 

PS Hello Randy, hello Larry, hello Dennis, Hello Mick, hello to those who are on the first page that I can't see !

[Catherineli]

I also pray there would be more Randies in America who will give up their American life and move to China forever!

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

I maintain a relationship with my oldest (43 years) stepdaughter. She's mentally impaired. I send her a gift on her birthday and Christmas, visit her a couple times a year (she lives about 25 minutes drive from me), and see her one or two other times a year at events for my two blood kids.

 

My fiancee has a very difficult time accepting this relationship. She says the relationship is inappropriate because her mom and I are no longer married. From a legal standpoint, She feels strongly that, if I still regard her as my step-daughter, then I obviously consider my ex-wife as my wife. My fiancee has gone so far as to say that, if I continue relating to my stepdaughter as a stepdaughter, my fiancee won't marry me. I really don't get it.

 

What you wrote in your first post has nothing to do with culture. It's pure, plain and simple selfish manipulation of the worst kind. She wants a clean slate, but got you instead. Suggest you send her back to the well to find her ideal dream.

Edited July 27, 2014 by ExChinaExpat (see edit history)

[Randy W]

Hopefully, we can cut the fiance some slack, instead of trying to judge her on the basis of that one sentence in the original post.

 

I still have every confidence in them to be able to make their own decisions.

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

Hopefully, we can cut the fiance some slack, instead of trying to judge her on the basis of that one sentence in the original post.

 

I still have every confidence in them to be able to make their own decisions.

 

 

She announced her shoe size and style. So, she can either wear the shoes she advertised or find a new pair altogether. The OP didn't announce any slack in her requirement. Couples will do themselves a big favor if they work a little harder to determine compatibility before marriage rather than trying to make combat boots into a pair of ballerina slippers.

 

For better understanding the culture of Chinese women, I think this video does a good job explaining:

 

Edited July 27, 2014 by ExChinaExpat (see edit history)

[Dennis143]

 

 

I still have every confidence in them to be able to make their own decisions.

Well of course they will make their own decision. Is there anyone else that you know who'd make it for them?

[Randy W]

 

 

 

I still have every confidence in them to be able to make their own decisions.

Well of course they will make their own decision. Is there anyone else that you know who'd make it for them?

 

 

 

Yes - more than a few people have in this thread.

 

To repeat the OTHER part of what I said

 

Hopefully, we can cut the fiance some slack, instead of trying to judge her on the basis of that one sentence in the original post.

 

 

 

It CAN be very easy to cut through what is seen initially as an uncompromising "demand", depending on the couple themselves.

[Dennis143]

 

 

 

 

I still have every confidence in them to be able to make their own decisions.

Well of course they will make their own decision. Is there anyone else that you know who'd make it for them?

 

 

 

Yes - more than a few people have in this thread.

 

I don't get it. Isn't that why he made a post here to get our opinions? Is that not the purpose of this forum to ask questions and get advice? So, because some gave theirs, in your mind they shouldn't have given their opinion because it doesn't fit with yours? Really, why are you even making these judgments?

Edited July 28, 2014 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[Randy W]

 

 

 

 

 

I still have every confidence in them to be able to make their own decisions.

Well of course they will make their own decision. Is there anyone else that you know who'd make it for them?

 

 

 

Yes - more than a few people have in this thread.

 

I don't get it. Isn't that why he made a post here to get our opinions? Is that not the purpose of this forum to ask questions and get advice? So, because some gave theirs, in your mind they shouldn't have given their opinion because it doesn't fit with yours? Really, why are you even making these judgments?

 

 

 

??!?

[Randy W]

Sorry, but I don't feel comfortable with the way his fiance is being talked about. Yes, it's good advice, that, hopefully, he's taking in stride. Perhaps they've already reconciled their differences.

 

Just expressing my OWN advice.

[Randy W]

Hello all. I'm a new member and very happy to find this forum.

 

I'm desparately in need of some insight into the Chinese female's culture thinking.

 

. . .

 

I would be so grateful for any insight into this situation. I'm willing to do just about anything to move forward with her to marriage. But I really want to understand, from the Chinese perspective, if her concerns are rational or not.

 

Thanks in advance!

 

Just to clarify what the Original Poster came here to seek.

[Catherineli]

haha, funny, Randy agress with Dennis but Dennis didn't understand what Randy was saying. Hi Denni! Long time no see! Are you spending too much time learning Chinese? Randy, I guess you more or less speak Chinlish now. My American lady friend who stayed a long time in Changchun was told by her American peers that she speaks English in Chinese accent.

 

Every culture deals the same with marriages. I tell my young friends that they must seek every bit of weaknesses the day before they have their marriage license and try to know if they can stand the bad points they found. BUT as soon as the wedding is done, you always see the best part in your spouse. Even if your spouse has two noses, three ears on one face, you must say, "My beloved is the most beautiful of all!" because you already married her or him.

 

Indeed it's hard to imagine that a Chinese woman is kicked back to China as soon as she arrives in the free land after all the legal procedure is finished. But marriage is a serious matter for a whole life. Heck, humans are too complicated. If there was next life, I wish I could be a Moon, not Moondog, though.

Edited July 28, 2014 by Catherineli (see edit history)