PBS.org Independent Lens - Seeking Asian Female

[Fu Lai]

My wife ("a Chinese lady") said the narrator wanted the marriage to fail almost and was disrespectful to them in her talking on the film. She also thought the bride had a very bad temper and was badly uneducated, thought the groom seemed like a nice guy with a good temper, and said there was little true love and they only stay married for convenience...

[warpedbored]

I haven't watched the whole thing yet but from the get go the establishing shot puts "Asiaphile" up on the screen and the narrator paints a picture of a creepy pervert with a fetish for Asian women. At least she is up front about it and makes no bones about her bias saying "he is the type of man I've spent my whole life trying to avoid." Kind of hypocritical IMO considering she married a white man. I know there are many men like that out there but I fear many people who watch this might think all men who marry Asian women are like that.

[tsap seui]

Overall I liked the video. Yeah, the director put her quirkiness in it which I agree some with and snort through my nose at other parts. Good grief, miss prim and proper, American men hit on you...and you married one of them. Big whoop, baby, yer in America.

 

I must say, after you learn more about this guy, for myself, the more downhill he went in my eyes. At first I thought he was just a silly goof and I started to like him some. Then we got into the debt and "no money for food" crap and I started to hope the girl would dump him. I can only guess his brother co-sponsored the girl with his own I-134 for her K-1.

 

Honestly, expensive weddings are so much crap in my eyes. $20,000 for a wedding for a guy that is broke??? Buy the girl a damn dress and have a nice simple wedding without the rental car and other fancy useless crap. Such a waste of money..... I don't handle stupid too well. $5,000 from the brother as a wedding gift would have done so much good for the girl....even helped get her into school, or at least taken off a lot of financial stress. Food on the table???? Kiss my ass.

 

The girl....my heart went out to her. Here is a girl from the countryside who left home, went to the big city and pulled herself up from the bottom and into a decent job. She has pluck and spirit. I did not feel like she was expecting a rich guy or gold digging by any means. I thought she had a big heart and actually cared about this silly guy. Given half a chance this girl could do well for herself. IN my book, this girl is much smarter and worthy of way more than this guy. She is heads and shoulders above him. Without him as a boat anchor around her ankle she could really make something of herself and achieve anything she wanted to. My hat is off to her. She reminds me of how I picture Chinese women since I can only speak for my wife. THey have a good grasp on just who they are, what they want in life, and they are willing to move mountains to get to their goals

 

IT was sad to me to see this guy down on his luck, or who never fought hard enough in his youth to get himself a decent job. He seemed to be good hearted but at times dumber than a damned rock. E-mail crap on his computer? A couple of large boxes of junk from and about Asian women from the past in a dang storage locker??? Stupid and sentimental beyond belief. And, I kept telling myself this guy is 60 years old....not 20 something.

 

Look, I am hard core about this. An American man who brings a Chinese woman here, has got to look into himself and ask "what am I bringing this woman to? How am I going to better this woman's life by bringing her here?" I am single minded as hell on this...for the Chinese woman side.

 

This lovey dovey cuteness of the flowers, sweet talk, and love will see us through anything bullshit only goes so far in my book, like about 15 minutes. Chinese women are not Chinese dolls that make nice arm candy in public then you take them home do what you want with them and then put them back into their little dolls box when you are done playing. To me, and this is mandatory in my view...when a guy brings a Chinese woman over here it is his duty and responsibility to help HER grow and flower in her own right. They come here with dreams and aspirations. It is WRONG to bring them here, like this guy did. He knew he was broke, and, he's 60 years old, did he ever stop to think he was at the top and final stages of his game as far as employment? It would be one thing if he had something, any damn thing to offer her....beyond kind words and an ability to water the flowers each day.

 

Sadly and I hate to say it....this guy, in my eyes, is the embodiment of the man that Chinese and even American women, talk about when they say "He couldn't get a woman in America so he went to China." He's the poster boy for that stereotype.

 

The more I write about this guy, the more pissed off for the girl I become.

 

That young girl has a lot going for her. That she didn't up and leave him shows she has a ton of heart and is no gold digger, even that with the 30 year age difference she could love and care for the guy. He got REAL damn lucky. I didn't even see the age difference come into play in the video. Other than the guy's situation in life is more like he is the one that is 30 and she is the one that is 60, I don't see the age difference coming in to play. That she is still with him after 4 years is more of her lowering herself and her expectations to stay with a guy she truly cares about. My heart goes out to her, she seems to be an honest and caring woman....who deserved so much more.

 

Many Chinese women would have left the guy....and rightly so.

 

I watched the video with my wife and we discussed it. I could never have brought my wife over here into a living and financial situation like this guy did to this girl. AS I watched the video I kept putting Wenyan into the situation this girl came to America to. It became unconscionable to me to put Wenyan in that position even in my mind, and I had to break that train of thought.

 

What was that guy thinking when he went through with the K-1 application? How the hell did he get through the damn scrutiny from the State Department? It's like he never thought about the future....her future. It was all about him. HIs little dream to have a girl with "the thing below her eyes"....give me a break.

 

Our Chinese wives with their iron constitutions and sense of family and sense of you give me good I will always give you double good are priceless beyond belief. That poor guy might have meant well but it's apparent he never looked past today.

 

It is a huge responsibility and duty when you bring a woman out of their culture to this country. If there is anything for an American to learn from this video, that would be the most important thing I saw. HAve, or at least get your affairs in order before you bring a woman here. Think about what you are bringing to the table before you take that step.

 

My wife walked into the agency she used and asked for "an American man 50 years or older." There was much thought behind that, and no, it didn't mean that the man had to be wealthy...at least she wanted the man to have his shit together a little bit.

 

I feel downright sorry for the guy in the video. While I think he probably has good intentions, I feel that he is just as silly inside as he shows outside. That girl in particular deserved so much more.

 

tsap seui

Edited May 10, 2013 by tsap seui (see edit history)

[Mick]

A great take on the entire situation, tsap. I agree with you 110 percent. Very well said.

[amberjack1234]

Yep, you are spot on this one Ronnie. You took the words right out of my mouth too. I can't criticize him for being in the financial position that he is because I have no idea why he is where he is today. Perhaps he has good reason but I would be surprised if he does. What I do fault him for is not having his shit together before he got involved to marry ANYBODY. I feel sorry for her too and I do believe that she loves him and probably he loves her too. Just a sad pathetic case for the producer to pick buy you know from the beginning of the video the other prospects didn't look any better or probably worse.

 

Larry

[Fu Lai]

wow guys, you do know the woman is responsible for her own welfare too? no one put a gun to her head and forced her to come you know? he had a nice apartment in San Francisco (prob $2500-3500 a month) plus a good job at SFO (those are pretty secure and well paid with benefits). he prob makes more in a week than she made in a month at the factory, and he told her he wasn't rich and he did not expect her to be either. So money was not part of their decision.

 

I'd leave it at both were not very smart (my wife was embarrassed at how bad the woman's Chinese was, not to mention English, educated "like a country stone"). he at having his head in a dream world and her for the same thing, both thinking they knew the right way.

 

I think the best part of the show was when it showed that BOTH of them had to make a BIG attitude adjustment, kind of like a reboot in order to continue. Something all guys need to be ready for when they marry a Chinese woman. You AND her will have to adjust.

[ameriken]

wow guys, you do know the woman is responsible for her own welfare too? no one put a gun to her head and forced her to come you know? he had a nice apartment in San Francisco (prob $2500-3500 a month) plus a good job at SFO (those are pretty secure and well paid with benefits). he prob makes more in a week than she made in a month at the factory, and he told her he wasn't rich and he did not expect her to be either. So money was not part of their decision.

 

 

All things considered, she did have a cute butt.

Edited May 11, 2013 by ameriken (see edit history)

[Randy W]

I'll vote for Fu Lai's assessment as by far the best - sometimes we are too busy looking at our own point of view to see the overall picture.

 

But looking even further from our own perspective - how many of us would have been willing to let this woman follow us like that? Her choices were most likely very limited, and perhaps she was deliberately looking for an "Asiaphile". I think she did a tremendous job, and I think made it obvious that this was a single case, and didn't over-generalize.

[credzba]

I am with Tsap 110%.

 

At 20 years old, you can marry because your in love, and blow thousands of someone elses (usually your parents) money on a wedding.

 

At 60, you should be responsible, and understand that IF you choose to marry (doesn't matter ethnicity) you need to be able to provide for yourself 100%, and plan on providing at least SOMETHING to support your spouse.

 

Add on top of that, bring a girl from the other side of the world to America, you should expect to provide for her 100%. When a person from a foreign country tries to find work in a new culture and country it is VERY difficult. For 5-10 year the foreign spouse will struggle to find employment, your citizen needs to plan they support!

 

Fu Lai, I agree marriage is 50/50, but I watched the pain my wife suffered looking for a job in America. It is not easy, and any man who brings a wife to his country should be responsible for that person 100%, and any income she CAN find should be a bonus.

 

[Dennis143]

I can't disagree with any of the critiques given here towards this couple. All I can add is that their relationship and their marriage is theirs to live and work out. And whatever it takes and however it is between them, if they love each other... are committed and that works for them, who am I to say what's right or not?

 

I am sure that all of us have been the brunt of other's opinions of our relationships whether outwardly or covertly. No one has to walk and live in our shoes. Only we and our spouses really know what's inside our hearts...

[warpedbored]

I think both Ronny and Fu Lai hit the nail on the head. I do believe the narrator had an agenda and purposely chose the man to prove her point.

 

I think it would be interesting to invite her here to see both this thread and have a look at a much larger picture. Sure there are guys like him out there but there are also lots of guys like us who are responsible and have been married to our Chinese wives for years. Guys like Ronny who has gone full tilt making sure tilt making sure his wife will be provided for if something happens to him.

[Fu Lai]

I am with Tsap 110%.

 

At 20 years old, you can marry because your in love, and blow thousands of someone elses (usually your parents) money on a wedding.

 

At 60, you should be responsible, and understand that IF you choose to marry (doesn't matter ethnicity) you need to be able to provide for yourself 100%, and plan on providing at least SOMETHING to support your spouse.

 

Add on top of that, bring a girl from the other side of the world to America, you should expect to provide for her 100%. When a person from a foreign country tries to find work in a new culture and country it is VERY difficult. For 5-10 year the foreign spouse will struggle to find employment, your citizen needs to plan they support!

 

Fu Lai, I agree marriage is 50/50, but I watched the pain my wife suffered looking for a job in America. It is not easy, and any man who brings a wife to his country should be responsible for that person 100%, and any income she CAN find should be a bonus.

 

 

Well the lady was 30 and the guy did provide for himself AND her 100%.

 

Credzba, I just can't agree that the woman has no responsibility for her own actions... she signed up at the dating site, she conversed with the guy for a time, she accepted (or told him) marriage,.. she went through the whole K-1 process... if it was me I'd accept it was my basically own fault if it failed because I did it of my own free will. We are not knights in shining armor on white steeds sweeping maidens off to a castle. Nowadays man and woman are partners and there is always enough blame to go around.

[warpedbored]

 

I am with Tsap 110%.

 

At 20 years old, you can marry because your in love, and blow thousands of someone elses (usually your parents) money on a wedding.

 

At 60, you should be responsible, and understand that IF you choose to marry (doesn't matter ethnicity) you need to be able to provide for yourself 100%, and plan on providing at least SOMETHING to support your spouse.

 

Add on top of that, bring a girl from the other side of the world to America, you should expect to provide for her 100%. When a person from a foreign country tries to find work in a new culture and country it is VERY difficult. For 5-10 year the foreign spouse will struggle to find employment, your citizen needs to plan they support!

 

Fu Lai, I agree marriage is 50/50, but I watched the pain my wife suffered looking for a job in America. It is not easy, and any man who brings a wife to his country should be responsible for that person 100%, and any income she CAN find should be a bonus.

 

 

Well the lady was 30 and the guy did provide for himself AND her 100%.

 

Credzba, I just can't agree that the woman has no responsibility for her own actions... she signed up at the dating site, she conversed with the guy for a time, she accepted (or told him) marriage,.. she went through the whole K-1 process... if it was me I'd accept it was my basically own fault if it failed because I did it of my own free will. We are not knights in shining armor on white steeds sweeping maidens off to a castle. Nowadays man and woman are partners and there is always enough blame to go around.

 

I agree with you up to a point. The American has the advantage of knowing his turf and circumstances she is getting into. You mention the woman was told he wasn't rich but how much information was she really given. For example when my wife and I were talking on line 11 years ago I went into every detail of my income and expenses. I took pictures of every room of my house and every angle of my yard. I made sure she knew exactly what she was getting into. I know another man here in Portland who let his wife to believe he was much better off than he really is. For instance he told her he owned an apartment complex. What he didn't tell her is they are a run down complex of 12 cheap apartments of which only 8 were rent-able because he couldn't afford to fix them.

[Fu Lai]

Good point. Yes, the guy must be truthful and helpful as much as he can. I think these two had a tremendous language and cultural barrier. They both found out quick enough. She has to know what she is getting into coming to a foreign country like this though.

 

Another point I noticed in the show was before the wedding, at any point she could have returned to China but chose to stay. Maybe she was destitute and had no money to return (I jettison the "lose face" argument she said because it is called "facing the music" here)? Maybe they never planned for it on who would pay. Geez, lack of foresight.

[tsap seui]

Great comments from everybody. I liked the show, it was simply another picture into a couple who has done what most of have, so we all viewed the show from our own perspectives.

 

As I viewed the show I tended to put my wife into this girls position and myself in the guys. How else could I view it as this had been my only experience with an Asian woman I had been through the fight to bring to America. While I know speculation and conjecture runs rampant I’m just not into that game and the overall picture still remains focused on what sort of life a fella brings a girl to over here to.

 

To me, it was paramount that my woman be brought over here and have a life better than the one she was leaving. I agonized for months over that issue for both Wenyan and Fengqi. I couldn’t allow myself to get caught in the lovey dovey sweet talk, hand over some flowers, and tell the girl I loved her as being substantial enough reason to bring her over here.

 

I know many Chinese look down upon folks from the country. My city wife does the same thing to an extent. It just seems natural to Chinese, so I can understand the comments about the girl’s bad Chinese and her lack of English as her being trained like a country stone….lol The Chinese in China as well as when they come to America is pretty harsh on each other.

 

To me the video explained that the girl had moved from the country, started work at the bottom in a factory and worked her way up to an office job…however low or good that may be….the show indicated that it was good.

 

Now, how does anyone explain the portion where the girl is crying and saying they didn't have money for food, once she got a better picture of the guy’s financial situation. We never saw the girl cutting down the apartment she was living in, only the lack of food money.

 

 

As well the girl crying in that same portion talked about the loss of face at going back to China.

My goodness, I don’t pretend to know much about China but “face” seems very important to Chinese. I’ve only just now heard of one person that disses “face” as being important to the Chinese. Especially when a Chinese woman tells her family and friends she is quitting her job and moving to America….and then comes right back?

 

 

Not that I agree with “face” in any way shape or form, and while I do find it like keeping up with the Jones’s, I do realize its importance to the Chinese culture.

 

The girl gave up her job in China, her way of life that she had fought hard to attain and she was looking at the possibility of going back….to what? To start all over again, from the bottom? That is funny.

 

I still say this girl who deserved much more got the short end of the stick in this relationship. The guy was nice enough, a little immature and naïve, but bottom line, how did he ever get through the I-134, and does he really think “Honey I love you” puts any meat n’ tatters on the plate? That is what kids do in their first marriages. This was his third. That the girl is still with him shows me he either changed something dramatically, or, she has lowered her expectations down to his.

 

We all have our own priorities and our own views on life. I feel very strongly that a guy must have his shit in order enough, especially at age 60 to not have his wife crying about enough money for food for Christ sakes, and to offer a woman who gives up everything she had in another country at least a better life than what she had. Even if the girl was just a simple country bumpkin’ at one point in her life.

 

 

She wanted to go to school to become a nurse, anyone else see the guy’s face fall at that news and see him pull out his wallet and make a joke about food money? I can only reckon she’s probably happy now with a menial low wage job. At least she tried, and who knows, maybe she is able to save the money from her job as tuition to the school. Let’s hope so, eh?

 

Anyway, we all look at it in a different light. I’m not saying my view is right; it’s just how I looked at it for my particular family that I was bringing over to a new country.

 

 

tsap seui