Warning Signs - is she using me for green card?

[Imsoconfused44]

I've run across many comments about warning signs, but I have yet to see an actual list or any kind of explanation about what to look for.

 

And, seriously...how good are some of these women? I ask because the amount of time we have spent together online is monumental. Also, if she is not really in love with me, then my god, she's a better actress than Meryl Streep.

 

Finally, I have met her in person two times. Let me just say this...we did not have sex. We made love, people, and it was better than my wildest fantasies. I don't mean to brag, nor do I mean to be graphic. It's just that what happened on both ocassions can only be described as love. Or else I am the world's biggest fool.

[ChrisA]

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?/topic/44627-starting-over-needing-some-advice/

 

 

Problems and Parting in the Members section, there are other threads too, take the time to read them, at least you'll what to look for if this is your gut feeling.

[Imsoconfused44]

Thanks Chris, but that's actually the thread where I saw all the mentions of warning signs but no actual warning signs, lol.

[ChrisA]

Thanks Chris, but that's actually the thread where I saw all the mentions of warning signs but no actual warning signs, lol.

 

You'll have to look around there are a number of threads in different places, start looking and reading the threads and responses, be informed.

Edited May 21, 2012 by ChrisA (see edit history)

[DennisLeiqin]

Warning signs will come from your gut. And, sometimes it's simply the luck of the draw whether you get a GC chaser or a life companion. Like any relationship, don't rush and take your time to truly know her. Maybe, go live there for extended periods. The love fantasy is just that. Don't fall head over heals in love from a couple of times in bed... True love is cultivated from years not hours.

Suggest to her that you go live in China instead of her immigrating here...see what her reaction is.

[warpedbored]

I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. Our 8th anniversary is in 10 days. After going through the entire immigration process and becoming a US citizen she's still here. I attribute it mostly to luck.

 

I have a theory that you never really know someone until you divorce them. After 21 years of marriage I thought I knew my ex pretty well and she sure surprised me.

[Thomas Promise]

The woman you 1st marry is the one you tink you really know. If a divorce occurs brother you have your 1st encounter of the 3rd kind.

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

I've run across many comments about warning signs, but I have yet to see an actual list or any kind of explanation about what to look for.

 

And, seriously...how good are some of these women? I ask because the amount of time we have spent together online is monumental. Also, if she is not really in love with me, then my god, she's a better actress than Meryl Streep.

 

Finally, I have met her in person two times. Let me just say this...we did not have sex. We made love, people, and it was better than my wildest fantasies. I don't mean to brag, nor do I mean to be graphic. It's just that what happened on both ocassions can only be described as love. Or else I am the world's biggest fool.

 

Love, getting used, good times together, and so on, and so on. You say, you made love, rather than have sex. I'm trying to figure out how that happens, and how one can differentiate from sex drive, passion, and just having a good time. So, you met, had a good time. Seem to like each other. You speak of making love rather than having sex, yet you post here wondering whether she's using you for a green card.

 

Dennis raised a good point about removing the green card option, and telling her you would prefer to move to China to be with her. At the same time, there is nothing wrong with a Chinese woman who is honest with herself, and others about a desire to leave China by meeting a foreign man who can help her emmigrate to his country. Truth is, nearly all the women on dating websites want to leave China. If they deny it, then it's time to get real suspicious. Honesty is important, but you being honest with yourself is everything. Ask yourself the tough questions first before you consider asking them of her. Just exactly what is your reason for pursuing a woman who lives in China in the first place?

[knloregon]

With JE, but somethings missing---is it just too good to believe? ---thats the impression I get.

 

Of course Chinese women are expedient, so she wants a future in America? If its with you, is that a problem? But to separate the wheat from the chaff, heres a suggestion: Tell her you are wild about her, and want to spend the summer with her family. If she's just using you to escape, the likelyhood is that she won't go along---too much loss of face---if she gushes "YES!~" Shes sincere ~ !! (up side, or possibly downside.... you are spending the summer with her family.....)

[A Mafan]

It isn't necessarily a binary choice.

 

People aren't simple, pure, or single minded.

 

She may want a green card, but want to get it with a man she can love.

 

Or she may only care about being with you, but if you treat her badly after she gets here, she may give up on love and focus on living in the US as a consolation prize.

 

Don't try too hard to put people into boxes.

 

I'd say: don't be naive, but don't play games to try to discover the "truth". Relationships are fragile at the beginning, and you can ruin a good relationship with too much suspicion.

 

Be honest about your goals, your likes/dislikes, your financial situation (*especially* your debt: mortgage, car loan, etc). Make sure she knows she isn't dating Bill Gates. Make sure she knows she will encounter cultural problems, and that you two will fight at times, and sometimes like cats and dogs. If she still sticks with you, she probably has loving feelings for you, that you both can develop into a strong love as trust develops.

 

But don't ever promise her you love her no matter what, and will never leave/divorce/cheat on her unless you 100%, no kidding, damn sure will keep that promise.

 

Tell her you love her all you want, but if you tell her you love her no matter what, she will believe you, and she won't be as careful with her emotions...and if you decide you have had enough and give up, it will be a betrayal like a dagger to her heart.

 

Don't make optimistic promises. Be honest, be real, and back up your words with actions.

 

There is no ambitious woman in the world that won't embrace love AND meeting her financial/security goals.

[DennisLeiqin]

If the woman isn’t as concerned with the USC’s character, income, values etc as he is with hers, then the USC should be asking himself; why isn’t she?

[A Mafan]

If the woman isn’t as concerned with the USC’s character, income, values etc as he is with hers, then the USC should be asking himself; why isn’t she?

 

That's a good question.

[Thomas Promise]

I've run across many comments about warning signs, but I have yet to see an actual list or any kind of explanation about what to look for.

 

And, seriously...how good are some of these women? I ask because the amount of time we have spent together online is monumental. Also, if she is not really in love with me, then my god, she's a better actress than Meryl Streep.

 

Finally, I have met her in person two times. Let me just say this...we did not have sex. We made love, people, and it was better than my wildest fantasies. I don't mean to brag, nor do I mean to be graphic. It's just that what happened on both ocassions can only be described as love. Or else I am the world's biggest fool.

Alot of guys are telling you to go with your gut feeling. Benjamin Franklin said before marriage keep your eyes wide open after marriage keep them half shut.

I posted this maybe 5 years ago on CFL. It is not etched in stone but may help you spot somethings just ain't right.

 

There are several variations Internet Marriage Scams. Usually the target, male or female is contacted through mutual desire to meet. Internet!!! Date/Mate sites, magazines, etc.

 

The person is then groomed into the con. Takes about 4-9 months. Remember your desires are the catalyst to keep you happy, they ask for items in increments, small additional living cost, accommodations etc then get a commitment to marry. That is what their ad states (looking for marriage), because you think it is a different culture you say they are just very direct, why beat around the bush, its more convenient and "that's what I was on the site for too" The reputation of foreign wives is good. You may have just been hooked, do some further checking, make a surprise trip or if possible...feel the situation.

 

Soft and wonderful emails of new love, soft to the ear and the heart, promises of a full and healthy relationship. The mark will be brought into the financial aspect of the con when they take the hook and bait.

 

It is a long con, could last several years, usually a minimum of 1 to 3 years.

 

Goals of the con:

 

1. Financial- to obtain a financial target or goal, increased lifestyle, new homes, condos, autos, bilk the mark anywhere from 10,000.00 to 100's of thousands of dollars more the better. Send large sums of money back to home country on one false pretext or another.

 

2. Obtain entry into a foreign country through marriage.

 

3. Ultimately when the top goal is satisfied, to end the relationship, return to the home country, to the original "unmarried" "true" spouse, marry this person, hopefully having not been caught for fraud, and live the goal lifestyle obtained.

 

If the wedding is fast, hold your wallet and get ready to lose everything. If they determine you are not the wealth mine they were looking for, Wham-o-Bam-o hang on and be ready for a rough ride, they will claim they are unhappy, do almost anything for a divorce early. This ensures there will probably be no property to split. You tried your best but have probably already done good amount of damage to your life savings and or general income.

 

If love = money...think!

 

If something smells funny, it is probably rotten. The fraud is simple, difficult to detect. If you do become suspicious and you are married, hire a private detective in the country or city where your spouse is, if your bold go home on a unannounced trip with gifts. If their arms are open of surprise and happiness your probably o.k.

 

If not, you will know and it could get dangerous, do not stay, fight or argue, have the next flight same day already booked and move on. Recommendation: always use Private Detective agency when possible minimum of 2-3 surveillances over 1-2 months. Get your information. If you are wealthy this could protect prior family, children of previous marriage, your wealth and your sanity. As well as your life!

 

If you can try to find a way to live there, if they don't want you living there, your probably putting a dent into someone else's...the "true" spouses love/sex life. It significantly raises the possibility of the two of them being caught. In most of these countries, jails and prisons are not good places to be so do not do anything if you catch them, leave!!! You'll know if something's up. Emotional body and spoken language says volumes, so does your intimacy, pay attention. If you do not feel anything wrong, you’re probably o.k. have a great marriage and a good life.

 

If you suspect a scam/fraud, do not contact their local authority; contact your home country immigration authority and State Department after you have left the country.

 

These persons have played on your heart, hard earned money so it is best to catch the fraud as quickly as possible into the relationship so you can move on...lesson learned.

 

If any men or women who have had a similar experience, or suspect you are the mark, take some action before you are left in tears, broken "divorced" and damaged "used" goods.

 

I hope everyone gets a good and healthy relationship built on honesty, intimacy and life long love. This is what we all hope and pray for.

Edited May 22, 2012 by Thomas Promise (see edit history)

[Imsoconfused44]

It's over, people.....

 

You know....I read everything on here with an open mind. That's the kind of person I am in general.

 

Many of the questions, concerns, comments were either Not Relevent, I genuinely felt like I had fleshed them out long ago, or we opening discussed them. One simple example is that she knew from the beginning that I did not have a lot of money. She also knew from day one that I was only separated and that I had 3 kids (living w/mom).

 

Not very attractive qualifications for marriage or a green card anytime soon. I never promised eternal love either. I was open about the ever possible spectre of divorce in any relationship. And, I even told her my contribution to the downfall of my previous marriage. I'm not perfect.

 

I never suspected fraud, that's for sure.

 

But, A Mafan, I think you made the most insightful comment by suggesting that "it isn't necessarily a binary choice". Get to that in second.

 

I took the wise advice of several posters: kindly and gently pitching the idea of holding off on marriage and living together in China. I made other similar offers as well, all in hopes of being together. I did not use any tricks to "catch" her. It was very sincere.

 

She reacted in the worst possible way. Suddenly, I felt the world around me swirling - melodramatic? Maybe. But, I couldn't believe it. The conversation ended badly, she calling me a player and using her. Finally, she said she was gone. I never even said anything horrible. So, the kicker was the marriage!

 

I spent all of today thinking about other things that had happened. And, it dawned on me that two other times, she had made it clear that marriage was more important to her than us being together.

 

So, I waited all day to hear her say, "I understand. It's ok. Let's just find a way to be together and get married when the time is right."

 

Instead, she came back and only wanted marriage still, trying to convince me that she is a woman - women feel differntly about marriage than men. I was so disappointed. I told her...4 times you have chosen marriage over us being together. That tells me all I need to know.

 

Even now, I don't know if it was about the green card or just marriage or both. But, getting back to A Mafan's insight - I absolutely believe she loves me with all of her heart.

 

But, when she chooses a piece of paper over us being together - and not just once or twice, but 4 times! - somethings too wrong!!

 

Thanks all for the simple wisdom.

 

Phillip

[Randy W]

It's over, people.....

 

You know....I read everything on here with an open mind. That's the kind of person I am in general.

 

Many of the questions, concerns, comments were either Not Relevent, I genuinely felt like I had fleshed them out long ago, or we opening discussed them. One simple example is that she knew from the beginning that I did not have a lot of money. She also knew from day one that I was only separated and that I had 3 kids (living w/mom).

 

Not very attractive qualifications for marriage or a green card anytime soon. I never promised eternal love either. I was open about the ever possible spectre of divorce in any relationship. And, I even told her my contribution to the downfall of my previous marriage. I'm not perfect.

 

I never suspected fraud, that's for sure.

 

But, A Mafan, I think you made the most insightful comment by suggesting that "it isn't necessarily a binary choice". Get to that in second.

 

I took the wise advice of several posters: kindly and gently pitching the idea of holding off on marriage and living together in China. I made other similar offers as well, all in hopes of being together. I did not use any tricks to "catch" her. It was very sincere.

 

She reacted in the worst possible way. Suddenly, I felt the world around me swirling - melodramatic? Maybe. But, I couldn't believe it. The conversation ended badly, she calling me a player and using her. Finally, she said she was gone. I never even said anything horrible. So, the kicker was the marriage!

 

I spent all of today thinking about other things that had happened. And, it dawned on me that two other times, she had made it clear that marriage was more important to her than us being together.

 

So, I waited all day to hear her say, "I understand. It's ok. Let's just find a way to be together and get married when the time is right."

 

Instead, she came back and only wanted marriage still, trying to convince me that she is a woman - women feel differntly about marriage than men. I was so disappointed. I told her...4 times you have chosen marriage over us being together. That tells me all I need to know.

 

Even now, I don't know if it was about the green card or just marriage or both. But, getting back to A Mafan's insight - I absolutely believe she loves me with all of her heart.

 

But, when she chooses a piece of paper over us being together - and not just once or twice, but 4 times! - somethings too wrong!!

 

Thanks all for the simple wisdom.

 

Phillip

 

There's another rule of thumb you need to consider which I posted in another thread of yours - DON'T FEED THE TROLLS!

 

Sounds to me like she may have been right.

 

"It was very sincere"? Not based on what you've posted here!

Edited May 23, 2012 by Randy W (see edit history)