Imsoconfused44

She's 28, never been married, no kids. I can assure you I never strung her along. I didn't give any context for the "either marriage or being together" thing. That would have added a lot of explanation, I think. In a nutshell, early in the relationship, we BOTH agreed that we would not wait months or years to be together - married or not. It just wasn't an option for us - to painful and difficult. And, don't bust my chops too much. I am a teacher, so I am extremely limited to when I can go on vacation and for how long. So, visits to china would be very limited. What you have to understand is this (and you can read my other forum question to see what that's about): she always told me that when I go to China to marry her, we can go directly to the U.S. embassy and get visa and she comes home with me. Perfect, I thought. I believed that to be true until 2 weeks ago when I did a little checking just to verify. Then, when I find out that I won't be able to bring her home....OMG!!! The worst possible outcome occurs. I have to leave without her and wait for CR1 visa process - many months. I think of ways to marry and still be with her: go to china and stay there (teach English) - only I find out I can't go on tourist visa and work (duh). I will get teaching job in Taiwan (she tells me she can't work - she becomes desparate housewife). She gets B2 visa while waiting for CR1 processing (remember, she already proved she is not a risk to stay in america, so who knows? It's an option, maybe). I could teach in Korea. Anyway, bottom line is....I always married her in these scenarios. Today, I pitched the idea of waiting because none of these ideas were guarenteed, and I did not want to get married and find myself alone and waiting. That's it. She could not handle it.

It's over, people..... You know....I read everything on here with an open mind. That's the kind of person I am in general. Many of the questions, concerns, comments were either Not Relevent, I genuinely felt like I had fleshed them out long ago, or we opening discussed them. One simple example is that she knew from the beginning that I did not have a lot of money. She also knew from day one that I was only separated and that I had 3 kids (living w/mom). Not very attractive qualifications for marriage or a green card anytime soon. I never promised eternal love either. I was open about the ever possible spectre of divorce in any relationship. And, I even told her my contribution to the downfall of my previous marriage. I'm not perfect. I never suspected fraud, that's for sure. But, A Mafan, I think you made the most insightful comment by suggesting that "it isn't necessarily a binary choice". Get to that in second. I took the wise advice of several posters: kindly and gently pitching the idea of holding off on marriage and living together in China. I made other similar offers as well, all in hopes of being together. I did not use any tricks to "catch" her. It was very sincere. She reacted in the worst possible way. Suddenly, I felt the world around me swirling - melodramatic? Maybe. But, I couldn't believe it. The conversation ended badly, she calling me a player and using her. Finally, she said she was gone. I never even said anything horrible. So, the kicker was the marriage! I spent all of today thinking about other things that had happened. And, it dawned on me that two other times, she had made it clear that marriage was more important to her than us being together. So, I waited all day to hear her say, "I understand. It's ok. Let's just find a way to be together and get married when the time is right." Instead, she came back and only wanted marriage still, trying to convince me that she is a woman - women feel differntly about marriage than men. I was so disappointed. I told her...4 times you have chosen marriage over us being together. That tells me all I need to know. Even now, I don't know if it was about the green card or just marriage or both. But, getting back to A Mafan's insight - I absolutely believe she loves me with all of her heart. But, when she chooses a piece of paper over us being together - and not just once or twice, but 4 times! - somethings too wrong!! Thanks all for the simple wisdom. Phillip

Sorry for the confusion. No, she did not get married. She refused. My point was..."she had the green card in her hand, so to speak." IF the green card was the mission then, why would she shred her golden ticket? She never had ANY feelings for the man. So, rather than take the advice of her aunt, uncle, and all of her friends back in China (who told her she was crazy) - which was simply: Marry the man and divorce him in 3 years, she made a decision based on her own values and personal integrity. Listen, the guy was in his mid-40s, never been married, and had no kids. Great job. He said he loved her. She trades him in for what? ME? A guy in his mid-40s, ONLY SEPARATED when we met online, 3 kids, and a teaching job. By falling for me, she just bought herself a truckload of excess baggage and about the furthest thing from a sugar daddy, lol. I've got my eyes wide open, and I know I could be in for a mighty fall (it's something we openly discuss - she has her own fears). If she playing me, I just don't see the logic. Playing me for what?

Thanks Chris, but that's actually the thread where I saw all the mentions of warning signs but no actual warning signs, lol.

Her father is in a Chinese prison. Her mother left her and her father (who had an affair) when she was little. She has a grandfather living in Yanji, otherwise no other family. Her Chinese-American aunt arranged for my S.O. to marry an American government worker last year. She came over on a K-1 visa in December 2011. She never wanted to marry the man, so when she arrived, she told him just that. I met her online after her aunt insisted she spend time on dating sites. We spent many, many hours chatting online. I met her in Atlanta before she went back to China. Also met her aunt on that trip. Here's the rub: Please understand that she had her green card in her hand, so to speak...gave it up, and then refused to stay in the U.S. illegally when her aunt and uncle insisted. I then went to Beijing in March and spent 9 days with her. It is my plan to go in mid-June again. Bottom line from what I here you saying is...impossible to what her aunt and uncle have suggested?

Since my SO and I have talked of marriage, I have always planned to go to China to marry her and bring her back to the states with me. From the beginning, she has maintained that once we are married, we can waltz into the U.S. embassy in Guangzhou and get her a visa. She has an aunt who married an American about 10 years ago, and apparently, that is exactly what they did. Her aunt and uncle insist that we can still do that. I am pounding the pavement, so to speak, trying to determine if this is even remotely possible. I have scoured U.S. govt. agency websites - you know ones. I have made phone calls (what else are they going to tell me but do the paperwork and wait, right?). And, now I am reading through stacks of forum posts on a couple of websites like this one. I have not found one piece of information to suggest that we can get married in China and then go directly to the embassy and bypass all the red-tape. Does anyone have any feedback that is constructive? Please don't rip on me for being a rube! I already know I am a rube, lol.

I've run across many comments about warning signs, but I have yet to see an actual list or any kind of explanation about what to look for. And, seriously...how good are some of these women? I ask because the amount of time we have spent together online is monumental. Also, if she is not really in love with me, then my god, she's a better actress than Meryl Streep. Finally, I have met her in person two times. Let me just say this...we did not have sex. We made love, people, and it was better than my wildest fantasies. I don't mean to brag, nor do I mean to be graphic. It's just that what happened on both ocassions can only be described as love. Or else I am the world's biggest fool.