Our Chinese spouses don't want to live among Chinese...

[DennisLeiqin]

http://elcomercio.pe/player/1384898

 

After my wife viewed this video today, she commented "See, that's why I no lika live with Chinese. Chinese no help fish. Chinese catch fish, cut and sell..."

 

She's said it many times that when times were hard for her and her son early on here in America, the only people who would help without asking for something in return were Americans.

 

And I don't mean to paint Chinese with a broad brush, as those among our group of friends now understand our golden rule and go out of their way to be charitable. When the dog eat dog, everyone for themselves attitudes are taken away, Chinese are as hospitable and giving as anyone I know.

[griz326]

I think that I'd be filling my freezer, but after I took care of that, I'd help out

[david_dawei]

A bit ironic given her well positioned chinese friendships... but more telling that what lies beneath the surface appearances. She has a strong sympathetic side and an understanding beyond survival of one alone. My wife has told me without reservation she wants little to do with chinese for some of the same reasons.

[Mick]

A bit ironic given her well positioned chinese friendships... but more telling that what lies beneath the surface appearances. She has a strong sympathetic side and an understanding beyond survival of one alone. My wife has told me without reservation she wants little to do with chinese for some of the same reasons.

Li has often expressed the same sentiments, David. Over the past nine years here in the States, she has met and befriended numerous Chinese, but she keeps them at a distance for the most part. In the small (very small) town where we live, the Chinese community consists of five people (five and a half if you count our daughter Salina as a half). Li says she has no desire to move to a city with a large Chinese community.

[credzba]

My wife originally couldn't wait until we could return home, where things worked like she expected.

Over time though, she has come to appreciate the way things work in America too. We have Chinese friends here, and she has often said her Chinese friends in America are nicer than her Chinese friends in China. Perhaps it is the pulling together in a foreign country, or perhaps it is the changes to meet Americas different life style, I dont really know.

 

My point is, we enjoy our Chinese friends, and in fact have few American friends. We are happy in Austin with only a few Chinese, but we would also be happy in a city with a large Chinese population (I think).

 

Like all these discussions, each person is an individual.

 

I theorize that not wanting to associate with Chinese is part of acclimation, they want to be a part of America, but that just a theory.

A good friend of mine came to America in college, only dated Americans, married an American, ate hamburgers and pizza... lived American.

Now, she is 30+ and is very much returning to her Chinese likes and ideas. Her husband complains (teasing mostly) that he married an Americanized Chinese, but now she is changing to be more Chinese than American.

 

I suspect that some of our wives will follow this same progression.

[NickF]

ChunMri often says things like, "Chinese people in USA don't like help other Chinese people."

[amberjack1234]

This is my wife's feelings exactely as a matter of fact she don't want any friends period. She says that eventually thay will all screw you one way or another or just want money from you. Over the last 50 years or so I have found this to be true as well. Sad to say bnut the more you do for some the more they will expect. I use to have one best friend that wound up having sex with one of my wives and my other best friend would always want to come over to my house and do stakes and seafood and when I would go to his house we would have hotdogs. When we would go out to eat I was always expected to pay the tab for he his wife and kid plus the tip at any restaurant that we went to. When I was a teenager my first cousin and he was like a brother to me I was always expected to help him repair his car and when it was time to repair my car I would have to do it my self alone. Just a few examples. I guess that I don't chose my friends very well.

 

Larry

[Doug]

Me ex used to get so upset with me because she knew I liked the Chinese. She said I had no idea how they really are but would never tell me the examples. She wanted to be far away from other Chinese, but then would find a friend but shortly start to critisize.

 

Now in Plano, TX she is good with her few friends there. She is loosening up about her old thinking and ways............a little.

[bergamot]

"Like all these discussions, each person is an individual. ",there are both nice people and mean people in every country.

I guess the wives are so soaked in American water that they forget themselves are CHINESE( aren't they?) when they made those negative comments

[amberjack1234]

"Like all these discussions, each person is an individual. ",there are both nice people and mean people in every country.

I guess the wives are so soaked in American water that they forget themselves are CHINESE( aren't they?) when they made those negative comments

 

I can't speak for the rest and don't want to but my wife was that way when she got here 12 years ago and is more to that way of thinking even moreso now. I have seen several incidents where a Chinese person here in America tried to cheat her. She tells me that is the way it is with the Chinese even here in America. I was kind of astonished myself thinking that they were all brother and sisters here in a foreign land and would kind of go out of their way to help each other but it don't seem that way in a lot of cases.

 

Larry

Edited April 20, 2012 by amberjack1234 (see edit history)

[Yuanyang]

It's by individual. But still ... what any Chinese woman says is always the absolute truth hands down, no questions asked, it's Gospel.

[Kyle]

It's by individual. But still ... what any Chinese woman says is always the absolute truth hands down, no questions asked, it's Gospel.

 

Concerning my wife, I can see that point-of-view

[Zhou Zhou]

I always encourage my wife to chat with other Chinese people we come across. I know that she enjoys chatting in her own tongue and comparing notes. We are always getting extra veggies at the farmers market, food at the restaurants and better prices from Chinese merchants. We are looking at homes in the city and she points out areas where she sees Asians living...interesting.

[honeybun]

I think there's a lot of person to person variation, as bergamot very succinctly pointed out.

 

In general, I could definitely see the pragmatism and corruption carrying over from China (and the desire to stay away from it, for some people), but I can also see the tendency to network carrying over, and the desire to connect with other chinese when abroad (or as they call each other "tong bao," the two characters literally meaning "same" and "womb").

 

At first, my wife didn't want to have Chinese friends because she wanted to be immersed in the mainstream US. When she had our daughter, a young couple who owned a nearby Chinese restaurant went very far out of their way to get the best traditional foods for my wife while she was speding her month inside with the baby, and we became good friends. From there my wife became more interested in connecting with other Chinese and ended up meeting and trading favors with them for things she was working on, as Chinese often do in China.

[david_dawei]

I theorize that not wanting to associate with Chinese is part of acclimation, they want to be a part of America, but that just a theory.

I think that works for those who have the desire or expectation or want to acclimate; for those who don't care about such distinctions we need theory.

 

 

At first, my wife didn't want to have Chinese friends because she wanted to be immersed in the mainstream US. When she had our daughter, a young couple who owned a nearby Chinese restaurant went very far out of their way to get the best traditional foods for my wife while she was speding her month inside with the baby, and we became good friends. From there my wife became more interested in connecting with other Chinese and ended up meeting and trading favors with them for things she was working on, as Chinese often do in China.

Again, this to me, simply falls back to their expectation, desire or want. If one wants to immerse, they will swing to one extreme; if one wants to play the 'trading favors' game, then that is another extreme.

 

There is a comfortable middle ground where maybe chinese struggle to find since they are bouncing from one culture to another. They may be unsure what to expect and how to get it. I have heard too many stories about how someone will get to the US and be able to do whatever they want.. only to find out it is nothing like they expected or could get. Others could get anything because they found a chinese network.

 

I used to think that getting one's lady 'hooked up with chinese' was a good idea since it would ease their transition. I now see two issues with this:

1. It is imposing on them what they may not really need

2. It is not allowing them to just be who they are or what they want

 

My wife could are a less about distinctions of 'immersion' or 'favors'... these are things sought. She simply lives where ever she is... but she does not like games and she finds the 'trading favors' game not her cup of tea. Even in China... She relies on family since the 'return favor' is not a part of the game for them.