Weird job situation

[NickF]

As some you you might remember ChunMei's been working as a nanny for a Chinese American family since November. Originally it was supposed to be a day job, but then turned into an overnight stay on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights. Fortunately she could ride the bus to get there and back; the bus trip takes about 45 minutes.

Late last week her employers told her that they were buying a new house, and would be moving sometime in March.

Here's the problem.

The new house is on the far north side of the Denver metro area. We live on the far south side. With no traffic it's a 45 minute one-way drive to her new job location, through downtown Denver. Since she would need to be there at 7:30 AM we have tthreechoices. First one, I'd need to change my work hours to drive her there every day, and to pick her up, and the round trip is about 70 miles, during rush hours. Obviously a non-starter.

Second option is for her to use public transportation. Problem is, the is a two and a half hour one-way ride requiring 4 transfers between local buses, the train, a regional bus, and another local bus, followed by a 1.5 mile walk after she gets off the bus in Boulder. She'd need to catch the first bus at 4:45 AM, and she wouldn't get home until about 9:30 PM.

The third choice, proposed by her employers, is that I bring her up to their home every Sunday evening and she woild live there until Saturday morning, when I'd pick her up. Neither of us is wildly enthusiastic about that; me less so than ChunMei, because she likes the kids and the mother (the father, not so much.)

Honestly I'm not sure what that would do to our marriage. When we was living in China before she came here we'd talk at least once a day on our computers, but even that isn't an option here, because she's minding two kids, and we currently don't even have time to talk on the phone now ehen she's staying there. So we'd have less contact than we had when she was 9,000 miles away.

And what happens when the time comes for AOS? What would be the position of ICE about a "valid marriage" when we're essentially living apart?

Not sure what to do here. She is torn between wanting to be with me and wanting to take care of the kids, because she's become attached to them. The parents have been putting pressure on her to stay with them. And she really wants to work so she can send money to her family.

And jobs for someone in her situation are hard to come by here in Denver.

Not sure what to do. I don't think anybody here has any answers for me, but I needed to vent a little with people who might understand the situation. Thanks.

[bergamot]

She travelled 9000 miles to marry you ,then quality marriage must be the priority,anything that sabbotage it should be brushed into ocean,

[dnoblett]

Is the extra $$ really worth the agravation? 70 miles a day adds up to a lot of fuel, and at nearly $4.50 to $5+ per gallon that adds up quickly.

 

Public transportation in the USA is meant to transport a person from suburbs to city center, not cross town.

 

Perhaps it is time to start looking for a part time job for her near home on the south side of Denver.

 

You are past AOS, you may be thinking removal of conditions, and yes that live away from home for long periods of time may be questioned, looking like used the K-1 to come to the USA to work for this employer, and not for marriage.

Edited February 24, 2012 by dnoblett (see edit history)

[Amaro]

Option 1. Let go of the attachment to the children and find another job. Like Dan said, is she really getting so much money that its worth the trouble?

 

Option 2. She gets her drivers license and a cheap beater car that gets her from point a to point b. I made sure that my wife got her license asap because I live in a town with public transportation that is not very reliable and takes forever too!

Edited February 24, 2012 by Amaro (see edit history)

[NickF]

I agree with both of you; it's convincing her that's the problem.

 

Before she got this job she was a stay at home housewife, and it was driving her nuts. She'd like something part-time, but jobs that she's qualified for here are thin on the ground right now. And the fact that she doesn't drive yet is a problem. In a year her English will be much better and things will be different.

 

I worked for the Denver transit system as a transportation planner for 5 years, and know a lot about public transit issues. Everything that runs here either goes downtown, or runs direstly east/west or north/south. Her new job location is way the hell northwest in a new suburb that caters to young professional couples who all own at least an SUV and a BMW. So very limited bus service; they don't want to pay the taxes for it..

 

Before she got this job I was giving her money to send to her family, and I'll start doing it again, but she wants to do it herself. She feels guilty if she's not contributing something to the household.

 

(And yes, Dan, I met removal of conditions; it was early in the morning when I wrote my original post, and I hadn't had enough coffee yet.)

[Scott@Hong]

Moral support more then a suggestion, but the living there would not be option for me I would rule out that option right away.

 

If the employers want her so bad, have them help arrange transportation. They can afford a nanny, how about they pay for a car service to pick her up and drop her off each day?

[chilton747]

Nick I went through the same exact scenario. Damned if I did, damned if I didn't. She wanted to do it and I could not talk her out of it. After all was said and done a few months after she quit the job, she accused me of "sending her to be a nanny."

 

Try to think ahead and do what you think would be best for the long run. This will never stop until you find her a local 9-5 job.

[dan1984]

Moral support more then a suggestion, but the living there would not be option for me I would rule out that option right away.

 

If the employers want her so bad, have them help arrange transportation. They can afford a nanny, how about they pay for a car service to pick her up and drop her off each day?

 

My sentiments exactly. One works to live, not lives to work. There has to be an easier way thank basically being apart 6 days a week. Business trips are business trips, but living in the same city under these conditions........yikes, there is no way I'd be able to accept that.

 

I agree, if the family is well-off to hire this type of nanny, they must be well-off enough to send her transportation service - even if it just turns into a 3 or 4 day a week "part-time gig."

 

On another note, who is more important, these kids or you?

[Corey&Xu]

Your Title says it......"weird" job "situation"

 

I get it from the employer's side....they want a full time nanny. I can tell from your posts that you love your wife very much and want her to be happy. You want to be supportive. For me, living apart from my wife is just not how I would view marriage. Her being with me each day is more valuable to me then the money from working any job that would keep us apart.

It is a choice you both will have to make together but my sense is you really want her to be with you based on your post title..............

[Ryan H]

And what happens when the time comes for AOS? What would be the position of ICE about a "valid marriage" when we're essentially living apart?.

 

ICE is an agency you would not be dealing with (AOS or Removing Conditions).

[dnoblett]

And what happens when the time comes for AOS? What would be the position of ICE about a "valid marriage" when we're essentially living apart?.

 

ICE is an agency you would not be dealing with (AOS or Removing Conditions).

Correct, ICE = Immigrations and Customs Enforcement, basically a police force for Homeland Security. All immigrations paperwork is handled by USCIS (U.S. Citizenship and Immigrations Service)

[Amaro]

And what happens when the time comes for AOS? What would be the position of ICE about a "valid marriage" when we're essentially living apart?.

 

ICE is an agency you would not be dealing with (AOS or Removing Conditions).

Correct, ICE = Immigrations and Customs Enforcement, basically a police force for Homeland Security. All immigrations paperwork is handled by USCIS (U.S. Citizenship and Immigrations Service)

 

What happens when ICE raids his house and they found out shes not living there?

[Sam and Fen]

I have been thru this unfortunately.

 

It is very important for a Chinese woman to work and not ask the Husband for anything especially Money.

 

When my wife first came here she was looking for work and went around to all the stores in our negibhourhood.

 

Her first job was working at a gift shop owned by a Chinese Couple, she made $4/hour (half the minimum wage) and they only worked her when they had a delivery come in so she could do all the heavy lifting.

We tried to find jobs at a few Super Markets but she was never hired because she ain't a Latino.

She wanted to work as a nanny and almost everything was very far away from where we live and I just said No way. Like some said she did not come 9000 miles to stay away from me.

I finally called in a favor and got her a job at Kohls and after the holiday season they cut her hours and I was spending more money at bars then she was making just waiting to pick her up.

 

All this time she was talking about a job at a factory where 99% of the employees are Asian's of every stripe especially Chinese.

I was not keen on this job because she would primarily be communicating in Chinese and not English and that would hurt her ability to learn English.

 

I finaly relented and she has been working there for about a year now. She works the second shift and it has drastically cut into the time we spend togather but as they say pick your battles. So it is really up to you, If you feel very strongly about this then it is a battle worth fighting (I did).

 

The other suggestion I have is put some money into her account as a loan and tell her she can pay you back when she finds a job closer to home.

 

Good Luck buddy. You are between a rock and a hard place.

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

As some you you might remember ChunMei's been working as a nanny for a Chinese American family since November. Originally it was supposed to be a day job, but then turned into an overnight stay on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights. Fortunately she could ride the bus to get there and back; the bus trip takes about 45 minutes.

 

 

On the positive side she appears to come home and stay with you four nights a week.

 

Late last week her employers told her that they were buying a new house, and would be moving sometime in March.

 

Here's the problem.

 

The new house is on the far north side of the Denver metro area. We live on the far south side. With no traffic it's a 45 minute one-way drive to her new job location, through downtown Denver. Since she would need to be there at 7:30 AM we have tthreechoices. First one, I'd need to change my work hours to drive her there every day, and to pick her up, and the round trip is about 70 miles, during rush hours. Obviously a non-starter.

 

 

If both your wife, and the family she is working do not see this as a major issue, then....

 

Good nannies are hard to come by. Especially Chinese speaking, and one who will live in the home. Your wife is making it really easy for them. They will use her until she chooses to quit.

 

Second option is for her to use public transportation. Problem is, the is a two and a half hour one-way ride requiring 4 transfers between local buses, the train, a regional bus, and another local bus, followed by a 1.5 mile walk after she gets off the bus in Boulder. She'd need to catch the first bus at 4:45 AM, and she wouldn't get home until about 9:30 PM.

 

What's most compelling about this is not the difficulty of her getting to and from work, but rather that she is choosing to continue to do it.

 

The third choice, proposed by her employers, is that I bring her up to their home every Sunday evening and she woild live there until Saturday morning, when I'd pick her up. Neither of us is wildly enthusiastic about that; me less so than ChunMei, because she likes the kids and the mother (the father, not so much.)

 

Interesting that the Chinese family has no suggestions, but only requests that provide burden to you and your wife. They sound extremely selfish, which unfortunately is a typical way to treat maids, nannies, and other home helpers in China. They need to be reminded that they are now living in America, but, that won't do much good.

 

Honestly I'm not sure what that would do to our marriage. When we was living in China before she came here we'd talk at least once a day on our computers, but even that isn't an option here, because she's minding two kids, and we currently don't even have time to talk on the phone now ehen she's staying there. So we'd have less contact than we had when she was 9,000 miles away.

 

Both she and you need to honestly answer a couple of questions:

 

1. For her. What is she getting out of this job other than money?

2. For her. Does she see living away from her husband three nights a week as a problem? How does she view the transportation issues.

3. For you. If you and your wife are not on the same page about this job, then are you willing to make the necessary concessions to help her continue to work for the family? Yes; that means continuing the ones you've already made and then choosing to make even more.

4. For you. If there a deal breaker in this? That means, do you have a line in your mind that cannot be crossed? Meaning, how much are you willing to do or allow yourself to be taken advantage of?

 

And what happens when the time comes for AOS? What would be the position of ICE about a "valid marriage" when we're essentially living apart?

 

You won't have any problem with AOS as long as you made sure to get joint banking, added her name to leases and utility bills, get photos of you both together doing things. You are in fact living together, just a few nights a week you are not.

 

Not sure what to do here. She is torn between wanting to be with me and wanting to take care of the kids, because she's become attached to them. The parents have been putting pressure on her to stay with them. And she really wants to work so she can send money to her family.

 

I really see the Chinese family as taking advantage of her. Again, this happens way too often in China, especially where there are differences in education and background. You may want to consider having a strong Chinese woman explain to this family how their selfish demands are harming your wife and marriage. A Chinese woman will be viewed as less threatening than a man, but it's important that she be a good communicator, with soft skills.

 

And jobs for someone in her situation are hard to come by here in Denver.

 

Not sure what to do. I don't think anybody here has any answers for me, but I needed to vent a little with people who might understand the situation. Thanks.

 

Notice my comments in blue font. For now, she is in a critical period of adjustment in America. She wants to show her family at home that things are working out well for her. She may come to terms with this over time. When you consider the millions of Chinese who have left their families to take a low paying job in a big Chinese city, this seems like a very small issue. For classic American culture though, it is an issue. I wish you good luck.

Edited February 25, 2012 by JiangsuExpat (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

Yes, the chinese family is taking advantage of her; they are applying the 'chinese way' in the US... I saw it all the time... I am sure Dennis sees it to no end. Those that employ this tact know a chinese boss has quite a bit of perceived authority; and workers do not confront or try to negotiate too much; they follow the boss. To get around awkward fallout from it, excuses and scapegoats come into play. Here, the children are becoming a scapegoat so she doesn't have to negotiate something better with the family... and therefore does not need to confront them...

 

So yes... definitely the problem that CM continues to choose to engage in this chinese way without regard to why (or how) she is in the US. Unless this is why she is in the US and she is making the means for how to be able to stay and survive.

 

Added to say that I hope it is more about the issue I mention above rather than what does happen in china. Child sitting is a rather 'low' job... but the attention the worker can get from the father is another 'chinese way' issue

Edited February 26, 2012 by david_dawei (see edit history)