Ask Charlotte

[warpedbored]

Actually I made several pens to take to China with me. They were well received. I turned 15 all together of several types of wood. Figured maple, padouk, elm curl, cocobolo and one of pink ivory. I gave them all to Bing to distribute to whom ever she wanted. She snagged the pink ivory and one of the maple for herself. Mama got a nice bright red padouk and a maple. Cousins and friends got the rest. As far as what Chinese write with I didn't really notice but Bing seemed quite at home with a ball point pen.

[MoonCarolCafe]

I found it very interesting that not only was the type of writing instrument important, but the direction of each stroke in the character was also vital. Too much for me, I couldn't imagine someone trying to read anything I wrote in Chinese. I have enough problems writing in English. Cyrillic pushes me to the limit.

 

So,

If you were picking out (or making) a special pen to give a Chinese person, what kind of instrument would you get (short of buying a set of pointed paint brushes which sound a bit messy).

 

Cursive Cyrillic was a royal pain to write in, especially with the stroke orders for characters similar, but not identical to those in the latin alphabet. As a young'n I managed to earn better grades in Russian than I did in English.

 

I'd consider getting:

- Mont Blanc (Overrated in my opinion. But then I think BMWs are nothing special.)

 

or

 

- A calligraphy pen with extra ink (Not very practical for every day use but lots of fun.)

 

Both of these should be available at your local Staples/Office Depot in pretty velvet boxes suitable for presentation as a gift.

[warpedbored]

Ok Charlotte. I have a freind who is going to China to meet his mm for the first time in March. While there he will meet her parents. What gifts presented in what manner would make the best impression on them. He already plans on presenting her father with a red envelope with a crisp 100 dollar bill inside. I also vaguely remember reading something somewhere about aknowledging the children first and having two gifts. I know that there is a lot of diversity in Chinese culture but is there a one size fits all set of customs that would be appropriate and win him brownie points?

[Charlotte]

I know that there is a lot of diversity in Chinese culture but is there a one size fits all set of customs that would be appropriate and win him brownie points?

CASH -- the more, the merrier!

Again, ask his fiancee -- what does her father like to have.

[warpedbored]

Dear Charlotte.

There seems to be some debate here over the use of the terms brother or sister for friends and relatives in China. I remember when Bing and I went to Guilin we visited her cousins on her fathers side and she called them brother and sister. Her cousins on her mothers side she refers to as cousins. Just what is the distinction? I also recall a teenage girl I met in Guilin at Seven Star Park who wanted to practice her english on me. There was a younger girl from Canada there also and the Chinese girl told her since they were close to the same age that the canadian girl could call her sister.

[Charlotte]

Dear Charlotte.

There seems to be some debate here over the use of the terms brother or sister for friends and relatives in China.  I remember when Bing and I went to Guilin we visited her cousins on her fathers side and she called them brother and sister.  Her cousins on her mothers side she refers to as cousins.   Just what is the distinction?  I also recall a teenage girl I met in Guilin at Seven Star Park who wanted to practice her english on me.  There was  a younger girl from Canada there also and the Chinese girl told her since they were close to the same age that the canadian girl could call her sister.

Calling Friends "brother and sisters" is quite a regional thing. I found it funny in Guang Zhou, one woman of my age calling me "big sister" when she wanted to ask me a question in front of the Consulate -- she is from a city in the North.

Where I came from (Shanghai), we don't call friends Bs and Ss. We would address them by names. Very close friends address each other by their first name, otherwise last name with "Xiao" = Little, small or "Lao" = Old, elder-- (this is by no means the same as "OLD" here) Or sometimes the full name. If they have a professional title like teacher, doctor, we would address Teacher Li or Dr. Zhang. Addressing people with proper title is very important in China, esp when you are not close friends with them. Kids, ever since they learn to talk, are trained to be respectful and learn to address people properly whomever they run into -- this gives the first impression about a kid if he/she has proper manner/upbringing.

All my Chinese friends here feel quite refreshing, when my daughter addressed them as "aunt" or "Uncle" and was introduced to them after her arrival. A few years down the road, this may wears off on her, but for th time being, I let her be.

As to the family and relatives, yes, they all have different titles. My sister is only one year older than I am, but I have to address her "sister." Within family, some parents are more strict than the others about addressing among siblings -- I know people address by their first names. But in my family, we are not allowed to.

Cousins depending on from which side of your parents are having different titles too

The reason why you only hear "sister" or "brother" is because, there is no equivalent in English. We have different titles for uncles, aunts, nephews and nieces, grandma and grandpa --- all depends on which side of your parents they are from.

[warpedbored]

So am I correct in assuming that cousins on her fathers side are refered to as brother and sister and her mothers side are just cousin?

[Charlotte]

So am I correct in assuming that  cousins on her fathers side are refered to as brother and sister and her mothers side are just cousin?

I have never encountered the official translation for cousin in Chinese - since there are different terms for male cousin and female cousin.

Let me give you some Chinese:

Older brother = Ge Ge

Younger Brother = Di Di

Older sister = Jie Jie

younger sister = Mei Mei

 

Keep those terms in mind: depending on their age to your wife, if they are from her father's side, they could be Tang Mei, Jie, Ge, Di

From her mother's side, they could be Biao Mei, Jie, Ge, Di.

 

Here is the test: I have 3 Biao Meis, 2 Biao Dis and no Tang Ge or Di or Jie or Mei. Tell me which side of my parents are they coming from.

[warpedbored]

three female younger cousins and two younger male cousins on your mothers side?

[Charlotte]

three female younger cousins and two younger male cousins on your mothers side?

You got it!

You guys are trying hard to understand the Chinese culture, but keep in mind Chinese are of very understanding people like the Americans I met here. It is good to know something about the Chinese culture, but no harm done if you don't! If they let their daughters marry foreigners, they are prepared to accept whatever you are!

[warpedbored]

Thank you Charlotte. As usual your posts are sage advice. I do think it is important for us to try and understand our loved ones culture just as I think it is important for our loved ones and their families to accept us just the way we are. Warts and all.

[Charlotte]

... I do think it is important for us to try and understand our loved ones culture just as I think it is important for our loved ones and their families to accept us just the way we are. Warts and all.

Carl,

I trully admire you and the others' effort in preparing for your better halves' arrival. I wish all of your good luck in your future relationship.

[warpedbored]

Dear Charlotte. I was reading another thread in the Rumpus room about who should be picking up the tab for meals when it got me to thinking. When I was in China and Bing and I were having dinner out with her relatives they would insist on picking up the tab. When I would try to pay anyway Bing would stop me. When we were out to dinner with her friends it was ok for me to pick up the tab, My feeling was I know I make a lot more money than her relatives and could more easily afford it. I felt bad them spending thier money on me even though by Chinese standards they are fairly well off. Is this a face saving thing, cultural thing or what? Could you shed a little light on it for me?

[dmdnb9s]

I am trying to do things like Bryan to help ease the homesickness and since I live 20 minutes from Chicago's China Town, I am sure that we'll be there often. Although she says that is not important, I have been away from home and anything that reminds you of home is helpful.

 

But, I was also hoping to arrange a USA-China Couples Dinner get together like they do in San Francisco and other cities. I know of some other couples in Chicago area from a year or two ago. I would invite those that I know to some restaurant in China Town (or where ever), where the girls can talk about similar experiences, difficulties, etc. Maybe even form some new friendships.

 

What do you guys think?

[Charlotte]

Dear Charlotte.  I was reading another thread in the Rumpus room about who should be picking up the tab for meals when it got me to thinking.  When I was in China and Bing and I were having dinner out with her relatives they would insist on picking up the tab.  When I would try to pay anyway Bing would stop me.  When we were out to dinner with her friends it was ok for me to pick up the tab,  My feeling was I know I make a lot more money than her relatives and could more easily afford it.  I felt bad them spending thier money on me even though by Chinese standards they are fairly well off.  Is this a face saving thing, cultural thing or what?  Could you shed a little light on it for me?

There is really no clear-cut rule as to who should pick up the tap. When you are dealing with her friends and relatives, your wife is really the only person you should listen to. Whether she let you pay for this group or that group, whether they are family or not, all depends on her perceptive and her relationship with them. Under most circumstances, the ones she feels you should pay for are the ones she feels she owes them some kind favor. While the ones she thinks they should pay for could be that she thinks they owe her that much. Chinese are very hospitable in treating guests -- in your case, it is even more so. True -- you should not pick up the tap just because you make more money than they do. They usually make it clear to your wife that it is their treat in honor of you -- soon to be families, or whatever. As to friends, things may be different -- maybe she does not want her friends to think that she married to a cheapskate, therefore, you should pick up the tap. Like my husband said: Always listen to your Lao Ban (Boss)!