Jump to content

Ask Charlotte


Recommended Posts

I have a friend who's wife came over a few months ago. They are doing fine but he tells me every now and then she gets homesick and will cry for a while. I suppose this is to be expected but I would like to know how you think the american half should deal with this. It is not something we could fix obviously and us men like to fix things.

 

signed

expecting the blues

Link to comment
  • Replies 38
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

I have been thinking about this for when my wife finally gets here. One day I told my wife that there is only one thing I will have trouble with when she and her daughter comes. So for a couple hours we talked about how they might and will become homesick. I told my wife that I would do everything I could to help her and my step daughter through these "bad" days. No matter what I find or what I do will ever keep homesickness away, but at least there are many ways I can at least help them get through the pain.

 

One of the first things I will do is buy her a phone card with "Lots" of minutes on it. I have started to look into places to go which includes many of the Chinese market places such as the one in Chicago's Chinatown. Other things in Chicago are the "IMAX", the Zoo (they both love the animals), walks along Michigan Lake, just to name a few places.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is, I will be sensitive to her "Homesickness" but at the same time, try to soften the pain. I love her and my step daughter very much and I will do everything in my power to help.

 

Bryan

Link to comment

Feeling homesick happens to everyone, regardless how long you have been away from your hometown. Not all the girls will cry when they are homesick. (Like Brian said, getting a phne card is one way to help.) The help you can give is to show understanding, but at the same time, she is married to you and she can't be with her parents forever even if she does not come to America--- she is aware of that too. Building a new home/family with you is her priority once she marries you. It is tougher in a foreign land, but I believe one weighs the pros and cons before she/he makes the decision. Some men can't stand tears; they feel restless if a woman sheds a few tears, but please do not make a big deal out of it. A few tears of homesickness should not interfere with your relationship. Time does help in this respect. Show her your TLC as much as you can --- as long as she is happy with you, that all matters. What you do need to worry is the tears that have nothing to do with homesickness.

In many ways, an interracial marriage is no different from the one between the same race -- we have to go through the same phases of a relationship like all others.

Link to comment
Guest bbridges51

I mostly agree with Charlotte. Homesickness is part of the adjustment, but i owe mia a great deal of understanding for having left her home, career and family to move 8000 miles away to spend her life with me. these feelings can't be ignored or discounted. Buying a phone card is good, as is ensuring family and friends in China are aware and capable of video conferencing with us in America. In Mia's case, she gave her computer to her parents and they subscribed to DSL so they can hold video conferecing sessions. However, sometimes these things remind her of how much she misses her family and friends.

 

time heals these things, but being sympathetic, holding her close, and willing to travel back to China go a long way to be supportive.

 

Brian

Link to comment

There are so many things we (American Spouse) can do to help with the pain. The one most important thought I have each day is, she is my wife and I will do everything to keep her happy.

 

One of the first things I helped my wife to understand about me is, I am a very patient man. The second thing is, I will never raise my voice to her in anger. By me doing this, she has been able to open up to me completely. She trusts me completely.

 

Every week or two, she will tell me that she thinks she maybe not come to America. I asked her why she would think this. I then found out that she has a girl friend which has an American husband, living in Chongqing. It turns out that her friends husband is many times very negative about life in America, not to mention he has a hot temper. After a little talking she tells me what she has learned from her friends husband. The only thing I have been able to do is to tell her that sometimes the things she hears can be true, but by the time we are ready to finish our phone call, she better understands and she tells me .... "When I am with you in America, I know you will take care of me". When I hear her say those words, my eyes fill with a slight tear and I tell her I love her and it is my job as her husband to take care of her.

 

I know this story is a little long, but my point here is your wife / husband, needs to understand both sides of every story she or he discovers. If the story is one that could raise any questions as to why she or he came to the US and she or he becomes unhappy or scared, then along with everyone she or he ever knew and loved (other than you) might as well be 800,000 miles away as well as 7 or 8,000.

 

The roll of the America spouse is probably one of the most challenging and most important roll we will ever have in our lives. It requires us to be strong and at the same time understanding and caring. So the next time your spouse has questions or if already in the US, starts to get that homesick feeling, put yourself in their place and ask yourself ... "How would I feel if .....?" Then go tell them thanks for making such a sacrifice and leap of faith, to be with you. Don't forget to tell them how much you love them.

 

Sorry for the rambling, but this topic is one that has been on my mind ever since I asked my wife to marry me.

 

Bryan

Link to comment
 My wife was a little homesick the first few months. Once she started ESL, she is too busy to be homesick. She also does internet chatting with her mom and brother when she is bored. Once she gets a part-time job, she will be too occupied.  
You are absolutely right, Tony. When you are bored with nothing to do in a strange environment, you will start to miss what you used to have. Nevertheless, a busy schedule is certainly a great way to keep your mind off any unpleasant state of mind.

 

What was your transition to american life Charlotte? I would be really interested into your thoughts and feelings at that time.  What were some of your most difficult adjustments?

When I left China, my daughter was only 6 years old. It was the most difficulty decision I ever made to leave my daughter behind. Of course I missed her terribly. But I had a very clear vision for her future and mine. If I had stayed with her then, she would have to struggle on her own today like I had to 14 years ago. I knew I had to pave the road for her eventually to come to the states. My coming to this country is totally incidental (like a soap opera, I will write about it some day – have too many people ask me about this) – which is why I believe in “what it meant to be.” And my life/career path has proven it. Many Americans could not understand how I could leave my daughter at that age, but most Chinese can – here you go, the culture difference. In our Chinese culture, sacrifice for better future is taken for granted. I wanted to come to USA with my daughter, but did not know how. When an opportunity knocked on my door, I just took the chance….

 

As Tony said, I was too busy to be homesick, I had to work and went to school, worrying about making ends meet and paying for books and tuitions; that did not keep me from missing my daughter. I was in debt Xmas 1990. But my priority was to finish graduate school and have a decent job in order for me bring my daughter to the states. It took longer than I expected to bring my daughter here due to many reasons, however, as the saying goes: “All is all that ends well.” Today, although I can’t provide her the lifestyle like Paris Hilton’s, she is certainly able to enjoy a life like or better than many of her college friends here.

 

To answer your question, Carl, I was very goal-oriented and worked towards that goal since the day I landed here. Meeting my husband made my life a little easier. But anyone (including my hubby) who knows me in China and here would expect me to survive well regardless, but I am glad I found him, who has been my mentor, best friend, lover, and husband ever since we met, and now he turned out to be a terrific step-dad to my daughter, thank God!

Unlike the younger generation today, I was on my own ever since I was 17, working on rice patties and cotton fields (another topic), which made me very self-independent early on in my life (like most Americans here). Besides, the China I left in 1989 was a world of difference from the one today. Everything in America looked rosy to me, and on top of it, I ended up in TX (a small town of 100,000 people) first, people were so sweet and friendly, whether you knew them or not – it was a night-and-day difference from the city I came from – Shanghai. Therefore, being a strong-minded and self-independent person as I am, I seemed to slide right into the American life without many barriers.

As to the biggest adjustment, it would have to be food! Being in a small town, it was harder. But over the years with my husband, I developed a taste for American and German food. My American Mom gave me a “Good housekeeping” cookbook as a wedding present and I am still using it today. My husband loves Chinese food and everything I cook for him, which is one main reason why we are still together, as a German saying goes: “Love goes through stomach.” :lol:

Link to comment

This brings to mind something that has been on my mind lately. When I went to China to visit Bing and met her mother I was pretty ignorant of Chinese customs. I did bring a small token gift, a pen I made on my lathe but in retrospect I think I should have given her a red envelope with a nice new 100 dollar bill inside. Since I expect Bing to be here in the next 2-3 months should I send something to her mother now? suggestions? I hope her mother didn't think I'm a cheapskate.

Link to comment
I sent my future mother and father n law a card with $50.

Do you think this was appropriate or maybe pretentious of me?

As to what and how much to give to your future in-laws, the best person to ask is your other half. Different regions have some different customs about what the future son-in-laws should bring on their first visit to their potential in-laws.

Yes, whatever you do, they will understand that you don’t know – however, you do score some points with them if you could do it right the first time around --– so get the help from your other half and you will be fine.

In general, the gift giving is quite different from Americans and Chinese. I remember years back when my American Mom sent me some Xmas gift, the postage cost more than the gift itself, I felt like “why didn’t she just send me the postage?” – at that time I was making $90/mon (1987). Today I am doing this myself, hahaha!!! If you want people in China to like what you send to them, cash is always welcome. In this country, people concentrate on gift of memorabilia or collectables, etc. But in China, they focus on practical stuff. If you don’t know what is practical to them, just offer some cash, which is why we still give our elders cash instead of gifts on Chinese New Year. However, if I do know what they really want, e.g. Ginseng, etc., then I would send to them.

 

To elders, cash or gift-packed food is always appropriate. Stationary type of gift is best for your peers or youngsters.

Link to comment
This brings to mind something that has been on my mind lately.  When I went to China to visit Bing and met her mother I was pretty ignorant of Chinese customs.  I did bring a small token gift, a pen I made on my lathe but in retrospect I think I should have given her a red envelope with a nice  new 100 dollar bill inside.  Since I expect Bing to be here in the next 2-3 months should I send something to her mother now? suggestions? I hope her mother didn't think I'm a cheapskate.

Dear Cheapskate-

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :o

 

 

hahaha. I think they know we dont know....

 

Frank

Frank is right -- they are more forgiving than you think. If you don't know, then you are not guilty of being cheapskate.

Link to comment
This brings to mind something that has been on my mind lately.  When I went to China to visit Bing and met her mother I was pretty ignorant of Chinese customs.  I did bring a small token gift, a pen I made on my lathe but in retrospect I think I should have given her a red envelope with a nice  new 100 dollar bill inside.  Since I expect Bing to be here in the next 2-3 months should I send something to her mother now? suggestions? I hope her mother didn't think I'm a cheapskate.

Carl,

 

I love the idea of a handmade pen.

It is small and easy to carry. But, most of all, it is something special from YOU. Such a gift also tells a little about who you are. Woodworking and crafts are important to you and your life. I would anticipate that they would cherish this much more than something from an airport gift shop!!!

 

For Christmas presents, (in the USA), I make about half of the ones that I give away. The other half, I try to look for something "special" throughout the year. Of course, it is possible that the Chinese are different, but I would think that a homemade pen would be cherished for the rest of their lives.

 

Hmmm,

Maybe, there was a little snafu though.

What did you put inside of the pen?

 

Do the Chinese use ball point pens? Can you write Chinese carracters with ball point pens?

 

I would think that the next one you make should be a very nice fountain pen.

 

----- Clifford ------

Link to comment
Do the Chinese use ball point pens?  Can you write Chinese carracters with ball point pens?

Clifford,

 

I was going to make a joke about your question but....

OK, I'll answer it for him:

 

The short answer to your question is no you silly fool. That is why it is so hard to find ballpoint pens in China! :o

 

The long answer is yes, but:

You cannot properly write Chinese characters with a ball point pen. The Chinese script was developed to be written with a pointed brush. A brush allows you to vary the width of the stroke by lifting the brush away from the paper. Unless you are using soft paper this effect is difficult to achieve with a ball point pen.

 

It's like writing in Akkadian with a pencil. You can do it, but a #2 pencil is not the best tool for pressing symbols into wet clay.

 

Same with Chinese (except for early Shang(?) dynasty script). By using a ballpoint pen you are able to make a decent imitation of the serifs. Replicating the varied stroke widths of the script as written for the past thousand years or 2 is nigh impossible.

Link to comment
Do the Chinese use ball point pens?  Can you write Chinese characters with ball point pens?

Clifford,

 

I was going to make a joke about your question but....

OK, I'll answer it for him:

 

The short answer to your question is no you silly fool. That is why it is so hard to find ballpoint pens in China! :P

 

The long answer is yes, but:

You cannot properly write Chinese characters with a ball point pen. The Chinese script was developed to be written with a pointed brush. A brush allows you to vary the width of the stroke by lifting the brush away from the paper. Unless you are using soft paper this effect is difficult to achieve with a ball point pen.

 

It's like writing in Akkadian with a pencil. You can do it, but a #2 pencil is not the best tool for pressing symbols into wet clay.

 

Same with Chinese (except for early Shang(?) dynasty script). By using a ballpoint pen you are able to make a decent imitation of the serifs. Replicating the varied stroke widths of the script as written for the past thousand years or 2 is nigh impossible.

That is kind of what I thought.

I had friends in college who were studying Chinese (sorry, not myself). Actually, if I remember right, he liked writing on the chalk board sometimes.

 

I found it very interesting that not only was the type of writing instrument important, but the direction of each stroke in the character was also vital. Too much for me, I couldn't imagine someone trying to read anything I wrote in Chinese. I have enough problems writing in English. Cyrillic pushes me to the limit.

 

So,

If you were picking out (or making) a special pen to give a Chinese person, what kind of instrument would you get (short of buying a set of pointed paint brushes which sound a bit messy).

 

----- Clifford -----

Link to comment

×
×
  • Create New...