American Dreams – other than cars and houses

[Charlotte]

This post is meant more for the American halves:

 

I have read quite a few posts out there describing how your other halves adjust /not adjust to the way of life you are accustomed to. I have to give my thumbs up to most of you who are really trying and bending backwards to please your partners. I even use some examples to tease my husband that he got it easy: look what other husbands have to do for their Chinese wives, J!” Being both head-strong, we had our shares of arguments, misunderstandings, laughs and tears, but in the end, we are still together – that all matters. There are areas we draw the lines that neither of us would budge (I still can’t pinch his nose, forbidden territory J).

Back to the topic:

There is more than comprising to help your other half feel welcome in this country. While most Chinese here are quite successful in their career and live their American dreams, I know a lot of them still don’t feel it home here. Hence, here is what I would like to suggest to the American halves: (please ignore if this does not apply to you)

 

While accepting the culture difference from your wives is very admirable, it is also important for you to teach your spouses to adjust into your American culture, and learn to “to do as the Romans do.” I can see many of you can put up with all kinds of “Chinese ways” at home. But you need to consider home is not the only environment for them in this country. Some day you may want to bring your wife to visit your friends and relatives out of town. The wet bathroom floor at is home is acceptable, but at a guest' s house this may be considered as proper.

 

I am grateful to my husband, who has a very subtle way to let me know if any of my Chinese ways would puzzle Americans.

 

In my early days in this country, I had all the unsightful Chinese table manners you mentioned in the posts, e.g.: slurping soups, spitting fish bones on table, talk with mouth-full at the table and not having the table set up when the dinner guests arrived, etc, all of which were really no big deal in China. In a social environment, I would talk too loud, interrupt people’s conversation, or open the doors without knocking first. All of above, only a family member can put up with you or help you get over with.

 

Every now and then, Rudi would sit down with me telling what bothered him when we had company and explained why. I would find them as excuses of being a Chinese. As unpleasant as it may sound to me, I did take Rudi’s advice to heart and, bit by bit, adjusted to his European/American (in his words “civilized society”) etiquette, which benefited me beyond measure to this day.

 

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t pretend to act like Americans, but only behave like an educated citizen here. I don’t want to hide my heritage. I look Chinese and speak Chinese. I have wonderful working relationship with all levels of people. Every place I work, I would give my co-workers’ names in Chinese characters (at their request) and they also become regular customers to a Chinese restaurant of my choice. They can’t sneak any jokes under my nose, and frequently I come up with good ones with some Chinese flavor – as I often said to them “I am trained by expert.” They are amazed at how I switch between the languages at the Chinese restaurant. My language background in combination with my willingness to adopt the new environment has enabled me to communicate more effectively than some other Chinese here, which brings me to another point:

 

English – sending her to an ESL school is not enough! This has to come from her initiatives. For many of your wives, ESL levels here are too low for them. She may feel great in class, but still not able to convey her thoughts and ideas freely. Other than you, TV and movies would be the 2nd best teachers. I watched soap operas and followed two of them for 12 years. They are non-sense, of course, but a great place to pick up a lot of idiomatic terms, sayings, and slangs. I did have the advantage because I was teaching English at a university before I came. I may have the vocabulary; I did not know how bad my listening compression was until I arrive in US. I could not understand Johnny Carson, caught only half of the national news with the help of pictures. But my husband’s help and my non-stopping TV watching paid off in a very short period of time.

 

Today Rudi is going over vocabulary with my daughter daily for anything she highlighted through her daily readings – like an intensive English class in my college years. Anything they get stuck in between, I would come to the rescue -- in this sense, my daughter is very lucky and her progress is obvious -- 10 months here, she is already speaking free of accent and in her first sophmore semester - she did a 4.0 GPA of 16 credit hours.

 

I wish you all a very successful relationship. Comprise in only behavior, but not your culture/social etiquettes. If you go to China, don’t put salt and pepper in your food served by your in-laws (which is why my husband is not impressed with my mother’s cooking J). On the other hand, your wife should always have salt and pepper shakers on the table when she serves your American dinner guests. ---- Again, "do as the Romans do!!!" I would say, anything you consider rude or weird here, she should improve, and anything she consider improper in China, you should not do there, either!

 

Good luck to you all and happy New Year!

[chinadave2001]

Charlotte,

This is an awesome post that will benefit not only us American halves but everyone involved in Chinese-American relationships. Well done....please keep them coming.

Chinadave

[Patrick & Li]

More, More and More Charlotte, Please!!!

 

I read everything you post! Would you consider giving me access to your womens group?

 

Thank You, Patrick

[Mick]

Thanks for your enlightening post Charlotte. I guess I am lucky in the sense that Li has had very little difficulty adjusting to western ways. I think this is due to the fact that she is, first of all, open minded and flexible. Secondly, because we lived together for so long in China, she was exposed to my American habits for quite some time before ever arriving on these shores. In addition,when in China, we often lived in the same building with other foreign teachers. So she had a healthy dose of western manners, good and bad, before arrival. As to English skills, I am lucky there as well. Li's English is better than mine.

 

I experienced these things in reverse when I moved to China. I had to adjust to a culture that was totally alien to me and didn't speak the language at all. When I first moved to China, I couldn't even use chop sticks. But I learned and slowly adapted to Chinese ways, so much so that I eventually became very comfortable living there. I guess that's why I stayed so long.

 

Cultural adaptation is a process, not an event. It occurs over time and requires patience, tolerance, and flexibility on the part of both parties.

[warpedbored]

Another great post. Thank you Charlotte. We definetly need to recruit you for an "Ask Charlotte" thread. I had to laugh at the spitting fish bones on the table part of your post. When I was in Nanning I was eating a chicken dish and I was discretely trying to figure out what to do with the bone in my mouth. I looked over at Bing and observed her spitting hers out on the table. Hmmm I thought, this is my kind of place! As you said "when in Rome..."

[tonyontherock]

Hell, I still spit fish bones and chicken bones on the table. Too bad when I go to firm dinners or partner's homes, there is no bone. When I have friends over, we all spit them on the table. There was this friend's girl friend who was German/Dominican and came to my house for the first time. Initially she sat there uptight at the table, etc, and could not figure out how to deal with the bones of ribs when cutting was a bit difficult. I mean, this was a 21 year old probably brought to some one's home where almost all the others are attorneys. I showed her the Chinese way of dealing with it as well as the Chinese way to drink "Er Gou Tou", which is, gulp it up without saying Yak or "gross". She and Paul had to sleep over in the end. Although they put on a good show of how they normally do a wrestling match (she is 6"1 and he is 5"7), neither were in a condition to drive.

Seriously, depending on the occasion, manner has to be learned. Otherwise it would be embarrassing to go to a blacktie event or even semi-formal events.

One other thing is to get a speech pathologist, a heavy accent is not really cute.

On the other hand, I agree with charlotte, you got to keep your heritage. We had at one time 5 or 6 asian associates at the firm, but every one denies that they speak Chinese, including one that went to the University of Nanjing. Go figure. Being Chinese has its costs, some times a hefty one. Even though I graduated top of class I still got jokes, half serious, from some former co-workers that I got into the firm due to affirmative action and one suggested that it must be my Chinese language ability.

Yet the bottom line is, if you are Chinese, you are Chinese. My friend who is over 50 born and raised here was still the other Chinese in the court when we both worked there. He could not speak Chinese in any environments but converse fluently in Cantonese in restaurants with the waiter.

[Charlotte]

More, More and More Charlotte, Please!!!

I read everything you post! Would you consider giving me access to your womens group?

Thank You, Patrick

Hi Patrick,

Thank you for your kind encouragement!

Since you mention the yahoo group, we only have a group set up. There is not much going on there right now. I really need to have time to think what we really want to do. Let me discuss it with Enight -- it was under her request I set it up. Thank you for your interest. Your willingness and effort on your part will certainly pay off in your future life with your better half. But for the time being, you may want to stay on this board where I post most.

[Patrick & Li]

Ok Charlotte, Then give us more insight. Tell me what i need to expect from ALL angles. Tell me what is going to be her biggest shock? I yearn to be her good teacher. I want for her to be able to fit right into american society with the least amount of obstacles as possible.

Teach me Charlotte!

 

Your most loyal student, Patrick

[Charlotte]

Where HAS Enight been hiding? Haven't seen her around for quite a while now. Sure hope all is going well for her and Alan.

Hey, I would like to ask you, Don, I thought you would at least keep an eye on your GRANDMA for us. Did you remember to pay respect to her on Chinese New Year as most grandchildren would do in China?

[Kaige]

I was fortunate to say Happy New Year in Chinese to Grandma, Yans Grandma, she loved it , she is coool love her, everything is going good here, we both just hate the gov't dragging a-- on paperwork as we all do, I don't know if any of the new ones running can straighten out the mess and help others still waiting, so much for that. Wife does like the new car, hated the Fiereo, just gotta love them the house she loves, just the kitchen cabinet color, walnut, biggest thing is sometimes I want to do my thing, can't always find the time to do, so I just have to get used to it as many of us are, God bless us all as things work out and we will get things done