Dave G. Posted January 12, 2004 Report Share Posted January 12, 2004 I had a really interesting chat with JM last night. I want to share it and ask a question or two. Last night, I told JM I wanted to watch a movie with her in our bedroom (no...not that kind of film). I laid there waiting for her to come in while she talked to her son. When she came in, she said, "So...now you know what it's like to feel lonely." Huh??? Where'd that come from? As we talked, we realized that the wonders of touring China together coupled with the anticipation of waiting for the visa have been put behind us with the realities of life. Driving kids to school, work, bills, child rearing, etc., just ain't fun stuff. What to do? I've worked hard to be "dad" to her son. That has meant putting him in bed, playing with him, cooking breakfast, long talks, etc. So far, we're getting along great. But, it all takes time. Then, there's the new job and other stuff I mentioned. I realized I've cut JM out of the equation too much. She said I shouldn't worry too much about it. She sweetly said, "There is the sun; there is the moon. There is the sky and earth. No matter what you try to be, something...someone...can find something you didn't do." I hope that makes sense to you...it did to me. So, I asked her, "I'm not very romantic, am I?" Damn Chinese people....they're so honest. She said, "No." So, I've been thinking--what is romance? We went to Hoover Dam this weekend and then out to dinner. The week before was spent playing in the snow up in the mountains. We've been to SF twice and Salt Lake once. We've been to great restaurants here in Vegas and been to places I've never visited. I've invited her for a quiet dinner somewhere. Not interested...eating at home saves money. I brought flowers home only to hear that they'll die soon. So...here's the question: what do Chinese women find romantic? Maybe it's the baby coming soon....maybe it's always having her son with us....I don't know. Any ideas??? The more I think about it, the more I think it's an issue for any couple "married with children." But, there has to be something more I can do other than making sure the boat stays afloat. Link to comment
Francine-gg Posted January 12, 2004 Report Share Posted January 12, 2004 Here are some suggestions: 1. Always tell her you love her and need her and that she is the only girl in the world who could ever make you happy. 2. Learn and recite a Chinese love poem or make one up, using her native language ( Mandarin or Cantonese) Chinese girls love our broken Chinese language, they think its cute and sexy. 3. A surprise dinner at home with Chinese red wine ( if you can find it ) (Great Wall is a good one), with candles and a nice home-cooked meal...( its romantic and saves money) Zhe shi wo de liang ge jiao!!!!!! My two cents Link to comment
se_lang Posted January 12, 2004 Report Share Posted January 12, 2004 Sounds to me like your doing everything a typical "American" woman would want, There are so many things that can be "Romantic" I think it has more to do with..... awwwww hell who really knows what a woman wants, May I suggest you cook her dinner (or order out and pretend you cooked) send the kid to a friends house that she likes, and just as a wise ass buy her a Rose bulb that she can plant and care for. Link to comment
newman Posted January 12, 2004 Report Share Posted January 12, 2004 Dave, I have had similar situations in the past and continue to some degree. I like to cuddle and by nature am a pretty jovial person. The cuddling still leaves something to be desired. At least now I get kiss before I go out the door for work. But, she still wonders why I laugh all the time and I tell her it's because I'm happy. This concept has not sunk in after almost a year. Just today her new word at school was "civilization". I made the remark that China has a 5000 year old civilization. She ask how long was the USA. I told her about 230 years. This blew her mind as she could not understand why people in the US knew so much. For myself and my wife I feel we are two different people with two totally different backgrounds and even different way of thinking, partially based on our upbringing. To me it's what's unique about our relationship, althought somewhat frustrating at times on both sides. But, I enjoy the new life I've put myself into. Link to comment
MoonCarolCafe Posted January 12, 2004 Report Share Posted January 12, 2004 So...here's the question: what do Chinese women find romantic? The above question could be applied to all women. And it is like wanting to know the exact location and velocity of a sub-atomic particle. There is no way to know for certain, even when she tells you (Because if she had to tell you it is no longer romantic when you do it ) All you can do is aim in the general direction and hope that she appreciates the effort. You live in Vegas, right? Scout out a scenic locale in the Valley Of Fire. Return early one morning before first light with warm bagels, hot chocolate, and your Lucky Ball & Chain. Watch the sunrise with her... Stop off at the Moapa store on the way back and load up on quasi-legal fireworks for your son (No childhood is complete without a few M80s. Better he find out about them under your watchful eye...) When I am in GZ with my wife... (Lucky for me she does not read this) at the end of the night while we sit and watch TV I massage her feet while she drinks tea. Something similar might work for you. Link to comment
Dave G. Posted January 13, 2004 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2004 Great ideas. But, as a guy, here are the problems: Always tell her you love her and need her and that she is the only girl in the world who could ever make you happy. I do...everyday. Learn and recite a Chinese love poem or make one up, using her native language ( Mandarin or Cantonese) Chinese girls love our broken Chinese language, they think its cute and sexy. To be able to do it, she'd first have to teach me. My Chinese sucks. No surprising her that way...unless she wants to wait a year or two while I take a class. A surprise dinner at home with Chinese red wine ( if you can find it ) (Great Wall is a good one), with candles and a nice home-cooked meal...( its romantic and saves money) She hates my cooking. Can't drink wine cuz of the pregnancy. You live in Vegas, right? Scout out a scenic locale in the Valley Of Fire. Return early one morning before first light with warm bagels, hot chocolate, and your Lucky Ball & Chain. Watch the sunrise with her... (This is my favorite) Are you frickin' high??? She'd rather lose an eye than get out of bed before 10! Stop off at the Moapa store on the way back and load up on quasi-legal fireworks for your son (No childhood is complete without a few M80s. Better he find out about them under your watchful eye...) All I'd hear is how much better Chinese fireworks are during the Chinese New Year. It would depress her that she couldn't be home with her family this year. When I am in GZ with my wife... (Lucky for me she does not read this) at the end of the night while we sit and watch TV I massage her feet while she drinks tea. Something similar might work for you. I don't think JM would find it very romantic if I massaged your wife's feet. Seriously, she's had "the master" foot massager in China (she was rough, but good). I could never come close. awwwww hell who really knows what a woman wants You hit the nail on the head! You never know, and if you get lucky and get it right, it's soon forgotten. Case in point: I wanted to take a quick nap today. JM was already asleep. I crawled in bed next to her and tried not to wake her. But, I did. So, she got up while I slept. But, I had such a great nap, I woke up feeling great. She greeted me sweetly and I started kissing her forehead while I made silly jokes. She loved it! Romantic? Who knows?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Link to comment
se_lang Posted January 13, 2004 Report Share Posted January 13, 2004 wait you said she was prego never mind she is whacked for a few more months then she has the Postpartum stuff an is whacked some more then the stress of raising a little Dave, now this is where you get whacked. But really bottom line kindness and consideration win every time Link to comment
Jim - Portland, USA Posted January 13, 2004 Report Share Posted January 13, 2004 I also think that her pre-natal hormones are pushing and pulling her emotions in every different direction right now, so that is probably a contributing factor to any "baffling" things she says or does. Based on your second statement ... I crawled in bed next to her and tried not to wake her. But, I did. So, she got up while I slept. But, I had such a great nap, I woke up feeling great. She greeted me sweetly and I started kissing her forehead while I made silly jokes. She loved it! Have you considered the possiblity that she is happy when you are happy? I have found this exact same trait in my fiancee ... she is content when she knows I'm content. To the contrary, if your wife senses you are not comfortable (stressing, worrying, feeling troubled, over-doing-it, feeling uneasy, etc), maybe that is creating some negative reverberations back to her?? Try letting her pamper you, maybe you'll both love it! I don't know, that's just my two cents worth But one thing is certain, never ever ever let her forget how much you LOVE and appreciate her!!! Link to comment
keelec Posted January 13, 2004 Report Share Posted January 13, 2004 I am probably not the best at advice in this situation..... I am still waiting for Irina to get here...... But, perhaps you need to find a way to take a week or so off for just yourselves (drop the kid off with the grandparents). Then, find something that the two of you can enjoy doing together. You are in Nevada? Maybe try some of the Ancient Cliff Dwelling Indian Ruins in Arizona. Or, head off to San Diego for a weekend.... Just the two of you. Maybe let it all loose in Disney Land!!!!! If you leave town, perhaps some of the inhibitions of trying to present a facade in front of your friends would disappear and you would be more free to express yourselves. Of course, perhaps some of this would depend on how far along she is in her pregnancy. ------ Clifford ------- Link to comment
MarkLuvsShuPing Posted January 13, 2004 Report Share Posted January 13, 2004 Unlike Michael, I am a therapist (one of my many hats), but I do concur with him. Romance is more about being than doing. Love, when it's real, generates romance naturally. It sounds like you are romantic, you are doing the right things because you are feeling the right things. Love and romance are like everything in life, when we're going with the flow, i.e. being honest with ourselves, being ourselves, persuing what is right for us; life supports us. When we try to hard to be something we're not, when you try to be romantic because you're afraid you're not, that's when it isn't really you. JM sounds like an honest person. She loves you and that's who she wants. When you try to be romantic, you're not being you. Stop trying and just be romantic, by being what you feel is romantic. Example: I once bought a book called "1001 Ways To Be Romantic", I used many of the ideas in the book, but only some of it worked. Most of what I tried to do wasn't me and it came off as phony. I was much more romantic when I was spontaeneous, following my impulse to do something. There are 2 other factors at work here too. One of the hardest things to do in life is to appreciate everything, to see through the illusion and find the wonder in life. Life can be mundane or it can be a magical journey. It usually falls somewhere in between. (Finding the magic of life when you're taking out the kitty litter is one of my favorites). You said it's hard to be romantic within your day to day life, re-think that one. The other factor, and this trumps everything else, she's pregnant. Imagine if a doctor gave you a bag full of different kinds of pills and said take these at random for the next 9 months. Some are uppers, some are downers, some might even be hallucinagenic, some will put you to sleep, others will make you wide awake, and others don't do anything at all. You won't know which are which, but it doesn't matter, you must take them. That's what her body is doing to her. There's only one thing you can do about it. Love her. Be patient with her, make her comfortable, do the best you can to meet her needs, be understanding, but always do it out of love. So, there's my $80 worth of advice, be love and you will do love, simple as that. Simple, not always easy. Link to comment
Bobby Posted January 13, 2004 Report Share Posted January 13, 2004 I'm going with pretty much what Mark said.. and se_lang.. with women, who knows? I keep having to remind myself that you can't lump all women together and that their tastes and desires change with fractal irregularity. I can't tell you what JM thinks is romantic (esp. as she's pregnant). I can tell you what I think is romantic: the little things. It doesn't have to be a trip to the Canadian rockies, or a long walk on the beach. It could be as simple as a look or a small kiss. I think the key to romance and a good relationship overall is empathy. Be sensitive to how she feels and what she wants. Keep in mind that there are times to be romantic, and times when she just won't be in the mood. Bottom-line, I think the answer to this question is inside of yourself. She fell in love with you for a reason. You might not (and probably won't ever) know what that reason is, but she knows (and will never tell you ). Relax, be yourself, and let your heart be your guide. You never know, that sudden urge you might have to re-hang a painting or fix a faucet might be just what she's looking for. Save the expensive trips and extravagant ideas for later when you know you'll both need a break (say, in about 13 months). Link to comment
tonyontherock Posted January 13, 2004 Report Share Posted January 13, 2004 Well, wait for 20 years and nothing is romantic any more. Link to comment
tonyontherock Posted January 13, 2004 Report Share Posted January 13, 2004 One question: Do people tend to do the same romantic things and go back to the same old spots that they took their ex to? I find that really interesting. I was in Las Vegas recently and stood their watching the water fountain with some one. It was so romantic, but things just slip back to night when I was there two years ago with some one else. I go back to the same restaurants that I have been to in NYC. Despite how the other people feel, I just could not feel romantic for fear of getting the girl's name mixed up. Woman are really smart. I asked a few that I dated before how they would handle the name thing. At least two would just say that they just call every one "Honey" even when making love. That way, no slip. Are they smart? Link to comment
whoever Posted January 13, 2004 Report Share Posted January 13, 2004 Dave, I remember I said I will not have kids for at least 10 years before. I am not sure who disagreed with me.But I think, kids really can take away the "romance". I will have "romance" first. Then when my wife and I both feel "ready" to have kids, then we will give up "romance". I know that many would say, "of course you can have romance with kids." But I would rather have "romance" without kids. It's much easier. Woman is very moody when pregnent. Also, woman loves to say one thing, but meant totally the opposite. When she said, "it will die soon. She meant, I love it, do it more often, because they die fast." When she said, "you are not romantic." She really meant, "I want more from you." One thing for sure, she is madly in love with you. Link to comment
kimnjake Posted January 13, 2004 Report Share Posted January 13, 2004 whoever, i will have to chime in with you. i am not saying that when you have kids you can't be romantic or having them around is not romantic, but i do have to say that i do not want kids for quite some time...at least 5 years! i want as much time with just me and my love as possible! some people dont have the luxury of the option and therefore have to make that transition from the very beginning or immediately there after, anyway, you can still make it! the love is still there and it is still strong! being a woman, i can say, love her with all that you have and all that you are, i know we women can be difficult to figure out, or impossible, but we make sense to ourselves, haha, anyway, just make sure she knows it, feels secure and just surprise her!! one of the most important things is to let her know you are thinking of her even when you two are not together. bring her something or say something to her that lets her know she is always on your mind and in your heart!!! be encouraged!! Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Please sign in to comment
You will be able to leave a comment after signing in
Sign In Now