How do you really adjust?

[bob23]

I am in Gainesville at the moment, but I really want to head out west or the northeast. Gainesville is just a really crap town even though there are tons of chinese students. We have been talking a lot about making a plan as to what we will do and when but it is just so hard to make her come up with one that doesn't involve moving back to china in the next year or so. I have already told her I am willing to move there for 20+ years if the d visa ever becomes an option (d visa is almost impossible I know, so it isn't too big of a concern for me.. z will work if it is with an honest company) and or I am able to find a non English teaching job. My plan would be to live in the u.s. for 10 years and then live in china for 10 years ect... I don't want to destroy her Chinese culture... or my own that I seemed to have gained the last 4-5 years. I do have a lot of hope that we can work something out. Thanks for the idea to visit SF, she did seem a little happy to know she can eat some good sichuan food... at least while we are there that week lol.

 

 

Ha I got my masters at UF. Lived there for 2 years. Moved back to Oklahoma in May of 09. Bad timing. If it was now, I had several foreign chinese friends. I could have introduced your wife to them and maybe she would have been more comfortable. I only know one that still lives there and she is not typical chinese. She really likes to go out and party, get high, drink etc. She is working on her phd. She really doesnt like to hang out with chinese people because she says they are boring. So I cant really help you there. Just a couple of years too late.

 

 

 

Seriously? I moved from Oklahoma to Florida a few years ago (then went on a crazy trip around the world lol), although I still consider Oklahoma my home it just wouldn't work out too well with her lol. You a sooner fan?

[Turbo SS1414]

I am in Gainesville at the moment, but I really want to head out west or the northeast. Gainesville is just a really crap town even though there are tons of chinese students. We have been talking a lot about making a plan as to what we will do and when but it is just so hard to make her come up with one that doesn't involve moving back to china in the next year or so. I have already told her I am willing to move there for 20+ years if the d visa ever becomes an option (d visa is almost impossible I know, so it isn't too big of a concern for me.. z will work if it is with an honest company) and or I am able to find a non English teaching job. My plan would be to live in the u.s. for 10 years and then live in china for 10 years ect... I don't want to destroy her Chinese culture... or my own that I seemed to have gained the last 4-5 years. I do have a lot of hope that we can work something out. Thanks for the idea to visit SF, she did seem a little happy to know she can eat some good sichuan food... at least while we are there that week lol.

 

 

Ha I got my masters at UF. Lived there for 2 years. Moved back to Oklahoma in May of 09. Bad timing. If it was now, I had several foreign chinese friends. I could have introduced your wife to them and maybe she would have been more comfortable. I only know one that still lives there and she is not typical chinese. She really likes to go out and party, get high, drink etc. She is working on her phd. She really doesnt like to hang out with chinese people because she says they are boring. So I cant really help you there. Just a couple of years too late.

 

 

 

Seriously? I moved from Oklahoma to Florida a few years ago (then went on a crazy trip around the world lol), although I still consider Oklahoma my home it just wouldn't work out too well with her lol. You a sooner fan?

 

 

Wow thats crazy. I actually went to Ok State so I am a cowboy fan. But anytime OU isnt playing OSU or Florida I root for them. Where in Oklahoma are you from? I am from Tulsa and thats where I live now.

[david_dawei]

you said 3-4 months in the US she was already starting to not like it; and has been here 18 months but is in a journalism school now.

1. Has she returned to china since arriving in the US?

2. How far is she into the journalism school? And you in your school?

3. Is she serious about the study? It seems this school has further colored her opinion?

4. Does journalism still seem what she wants to pursue?

5. Does she have friends? Of those she has, mostly chinese?

 

Over the last 18 months, would you say her negativity is a steady increase or certain points can be seen where it clearly jumps up? As you are well aware, education is quite different between the two cultures. I wonder how much this experience is pushing her towards the negative view of things.

 

It is probably a combination of homesickness, 'chinese way is better' and the fact that some of what she relates is really true about american students and culture. One can imagine an american in china facing this feeling (or dare we say hardship) and they would probably high tail it back to the US. She has the advantage of talking in english and probably understanding some of the cultural aspects but it doesn't seem to create a real positive experience.

 

I would not worry so much about the food or TV issue; that is such small stuff. Many chinese come over and are that way... and honestly, as was said, our food generally sucks and TV is a mindless brainwash anyways. She may as well have a few things which really bring her some emotional or psychological comfort.

 

A trip back to china could go either way; it could give her the needed breath she is often looking for or it could make her more slanted about her feelings. To not disrupt school, a trip during a normal break seems most reasonable.

[danb]

Bob. This is an interesting topic. As it has been pointed out perhaps a litle different then many of us on this board because of the age difference. But almost all of us have some difficulies and changelleges we all have to meet and overcome. Exactly where is your wife in her studies? Did she have to go ESL school or is she is a bachelor or master program? How is she adjusting to school? Is she being challenged or is she bored or is she having difficulties? I wonder how much different schooling for journalism in China compares to the US. It may be very different.

When you talked to you wife what was she expecting to find when she came to the USA? Probably what an 18 y.o versus a 22 yo versus a 45 year old's expectations will differ a lot. Have those expectation changed in the last 4 years? What is she doing to change her outlook on life in the USA? I wish you all the best of luck.

 

Danb

 

PS, What sort of thing have you done to introduce her into the "American" way of life? Does she work? Does she have many friends? What things does she like about the "American" way of life? Is it art, muscic, culture, the beach, clothing,sports, shopping or ??? There must be a lot of fun and interesting things to do near the University and in Florida. Or perhaps a job at the local paper or at the school newspaper or a local publishing house will allow to her to see things differently. Sorry about all the question but perhaps asking the right ones will help you find a solution.

[bob23]

I am going to try and answer everyone's questions so bear with me I am originally from Ponca City.

1. We went back to China for 4 months since coming to the u.s. so she has really only been "here" for 14.

2. She is a junior but has enough hours to be a senior (just how everything worked out.. who know universities...)

3. I would say that she is somewhat serious, she doesn't feel like this is her "call" but she is serious enough to work hard and get good grades. I am not too sure if it has

changed her opinion a lot, it very well could have. I went to a few of her classes and at times they can really push some insane points of view... so I am guessing it has some

but it can't account for everything.

5. She has some "so so" friends I guess, she doesn't have any true friends like in china and I can really understand how that feels. I would say that its mostly Chinese but

not all... but she really doesn't have many friends and like I said no "true" or "close" friends which is a serious problem I am trying to fix.

 

I would say it has been increasing over time with a few major bumps along the road Interestingly enough she believes Americans are way to optimistic and should be more negative.

 

After we got back from our 4 month stay in china should started complaining about China ect ect and was so so about going back to the u.s. We also lived in Europe and while she

never displayed this extreme form of hate, she didn't like Europe and was ready to move to the u.s. (we moved from Europe to America).

 

She took a ton of English classes in China because she was heading to a European university at the time but none in the u.s. I would have to say some of her classes are fairly

easy but others are very hard. If you mess up one comma you lose 5 points, misspell a name you fail the paper so it is really stressful.

 

I am not 100% sure what she was expecting, I think because she was younger she expected my family to really help fill the void that was being formed by leaving her family.

Unfortunately though my mom works all the time because of the nature of her work (recovery nurse.. so on call all the time) and doesn't have much time to do things like her mom

does. My sister just went on this crazy streak and really really showed my wife how slutty and messed up American girls can be. I honestly hate her for that...

 

I think everyone's expectations change as time goes along. If they had changed before we moved to America it was only that the western world isn't as perfect as so many girls

think it is. But she found that out living in Europe... long before we moved to the u.s.

 

I am trying to get her in some clubs to let her meet more Chinese students... but she resists soo much. I think she just wants to give up and scrap the idea of living in the u.s.

but I am really trying hard to push her into society.. at least parts that she can relate to.

 

She doesn't work but wants to find a part time job.

 

I think the main things to work on are: 1. friends 2. family 3. get her more into society 4. really try hard to make her have an open mind so she can try to adjust.

 

Any advice is warmly welcomed.

Edited October 31, 2010 by bob23 (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

This may sound like a lot of 'duh' stuff, but I'll say it anyways.

1. Her age probably makes some of this more difficult. An older lady may be willing to put aside some issues in exchange for knowing she wants to stay here. Her youth and ambitions are just budding; she probably sees the world as something she can do whatever she wants and her travels maybe reinforce some of this. She's drawing judgments which in her mind are very clear cut. As a chinese, she would often just need to decide what to "do" and do it; in this case, she cannot apply such practical approaches. This will normally create frustration as she feels she has no control over some aspects of her life. This is a very common issue for most chinese that come here.

2. I think the difference in education and maybe student seriousness at the university level plays a role but it may be hard to quantize or really change that; it's a fact of the school and students and curriculum. I would not try to do too much about this other than listen to her and simply understand her feelings about it. Although there may be study group opportunities but she may rebuff them.

3. Gainsville. She already went to Europe and it was not much better. What will another city do? It could go either way. I would not pursue another city unless there is a really compelling reason. And complaining isn't enough since she may only want to be heard, and not asking for another city. The challenge to all the issues is when to "do" something vs just listening since for chinese, typically action is what they want. This will be the biggest challenge in my opinion. But you may find some discrete opportunities to just do something and I would stay aware of those times and seize them. Don't ask her 'should I do this or that'; if it comes to your mind, however small, "do it". Even small, fun distractions (ie: if she likes a certain ice cream, bring some home).

4. Accept these issues as both of your issues, not hers. If she falls into such talk like, " 'your' not listening to 'me' ", she is feeling a separation like this is 'her' issue only. You are her primary (maybe only) support; don't let distance develop. Don't let this eat you up. You are bound to feel like she may be unreasonable at times; just realize she may be thinking the same thing about your responses to her. Accept that her point of view and way of even making judgments are very real to her; your not likely to rationalize her out of that. So be careful of getting caught up in trying to rationalize.

5. The items you listed are going to be hard to achieve because this is your list. What list would you create if you were inside her head? Looking at your items in reverse: I would drop the last item; you cannot change another person, they can only change themself and if you appear to be trying to change her that might make it worse. Let her nature lead her. Which means #3 is also tough but find things you both get involved in. Family takes time and may not really be in her heart. I think as a chinese, she will expect the family to reach out to her, otherwise there is not much you can really accomplish inside her. Friends; that is always a good start but she's resistant. Just be careful of forcing issues.

6. What can you do? That will reveal itself but you need to remain open to sensing it. If you feel there is something, however small, to do, just do it. Does she prefer hot water or tea? Brew it without her asking. Maybe she says she only likes that in the morning; so do it in the morning. She prefers Chinese TV? Watch a show with her. She likes some fruit? Walk to the shop together and buy some. I know these are so insignificant on some level but you should show her that you "know" how to take care of the things she likes in life; that you do them without anyone telling you; You want to do them. Let these add up and overtake the "issues" that may be developing between you.

[danb]

Bob, I was thinking about the Chinese food issue. Two possible soultions are to go to a large Chinese buffet that has a large selction and perhaps there your wife might be able to find some things that she likes and won't complain about. The other idea is don't go to any Chinese restauarant but instead go to ethnic restauarants like Indian, Spanish, Cuban, Japanese, etc. In thoses restaurant she will probably not know what the "really" food is suppose to taste like. She may be less apt to complain, hopefully.

 

I had a question about your wife's family. Is she an only child? Family can be very important and she may miss the attention.

 

Danb

 

PS, did your wife study journalism in Beijing?

[carl.hops]

All I can say is, I just went through what shes going through now, and I got past it. First you are excited about the new country and culture, then it starts to bother you, and then you either leave or learn to adjust and deal with it and if you do stay all the bad things that you were seeing before are easily dismissed. I'm loving China now, I found my balance between American culture and Chinese culture.

 

The way I stay sane is by staying away from the things that bother me, that being Traffic, I try and not ride my bike too much or go out during rush hour times which has brought down most of my complaints and unhappiness. I found some other locals around my age to hang out with and relate to, and a local American cafe that I can relax in every once in a while.

 

The only real good advice I can give to you is, don't expect her to eat "western" food. No matter where you are I'm sure you two will be perfectly capable of cooking and eating Chinese food, a change in diet can change an attitude greatly, that along with culture shock makes things far worse. Give her a daily dose of Chinese culture, some CCTV, speak Chinese more with her, buy her a wok and a gas burner etc... All of that will go a long way. After that all you can do is wait and be supportive, not everyone adjusts at the same pace. When I first arrived in China I enjoyed life and was excited and curious for about a year, then that started to wear off and I became frustrated, that lasted about 7 months, then I got over all the small things, and then I finally accepted them and started enjoying my life again.

[Minister]

Secret Chinese misconception #1: America is just like China only everyone is super rich.

 

Secret Chinese misconception #2: "Rich" means no debt plus tons of money in the bank. People with credit card debt or a mortgage are crazy and stupid. (Note: A Chinese woman will look down on Americans for our debt lifestyle even though their friends and neighbors back home in China all now have mortgages and car loans. There is a double standard applied to Americans because of Misconception #1)

 

Secret Chinese misconception #3: I've had KFC, McDonalds, etc. etc. in China. I like those foods in China. That must be what American food tastes like because those are American restaurants. I will be fine in America. Surely they will have paprika-covered squid cakes at McDonalds in America.

 

Secret Chinese misconception #4: The Chinese way of doing everything is right.

 

Most Chinese expect to come here and find the mythical land of streets paved with gold flowing with milk and honey. This is supported by their media. All Chinese movies that take place in America take place in Las Vegas, Hollywood, or Manhattan. When they find out that we're all 40 pounds overweight, we all work 60 hours a week, and we all live paycheck to paycheck, their illusions are shattered and they tend to react bitterly.

 

This may lead to quarrels as we don't respond well to their disappointment (i.e. "I'll be darned if I'm going to let my home be belittled by a no good commie who grew up tending a coal fire and shitting in a hole in the ground. 14.5 trillion dollar GDP IN YOUR FACE). It then becomes a sticking point in the relationship and becomes more important than it should. Maybe you should give Chinese life a try? You may be better off considering the economy.

Edited January 13, 2011 by Minister (see edit history)

[NewDay2006]

 

Wow thats crazy. I actually went to Ok State so I am a cowboy fan. But anytime OU isnt playing OSU or Florida I root for them. Where in Oklahoma are you from? I am from Tulsa and thats where I live now.

 

I lived in Broken Arrow for 1 year in my early 30's... I moved from NYC.... I didn't adjust very well... I moved to Atlanta and have been here ever since for 20 years.

[griz326]

Picking up on david_dawei's point... I was a radio, television and print journalist for more than 20 years. The work poisons the soul of decent human beings; that's why I quit. "Those things you dwell upon the most will surely come upon you" and journalists dwell on the negative by design.

 

Moving on.....

 

During the Carter administration, I was in Japan. Before we made port, the old time seaman were telling the new guys how the Japanese girls would be hanging all over us USC's - even the fat and ugly ones! Once in port we learned the adaptability of the female of the species. Back then Japan was kicking USA ass, so the beautiful girls were on the arms of the now wealthy Japanese men. America was no longer the land of gumdrops and lollipops for them.

 

In this current economy, China still thrives while the USA is mired in the muck of bad habits. I sincerely doubt that this is lost on the women in China considering marriage to a USC.

 

China has a great deal more to offer today than it had just 10 years ago. Quite honestly, aside from my annual hunting trips and packin' heat, I could probably move to and be happy in China. ...if I could acquire a taste for Chinese hooch...

 

Unless the USA wises up (and this is not an Obama bash), this country will soon become a washed up, has been nation on the trash heap of history. That's our fault...not the politician's fault because collectively, we never shouldered our responsibilities as citizens.

Edited February 22, 2011 by griz326 (see edit history)