Laowei not welcome

[weiaijiayou]

I've experienced some similar things in China and at first really took them to heart. But aside from showing the teacher that you have an interest in your son's education, would it have mattered if you were there or would your wife pretty much have just explained what was said, similar to what ended up happening?

[2mike&jin]

Perhaps the Chinese aren't so dumb. If I had been allowed on the school grounds, when I found out his grades for this half-term, I would have killed him. We have some work to do, hire tutors, more studying...lots more studying!

 

Chinese Language = B

Math (Algebra)= F

English = D

Science (Physics)= D

 

His evening basketball games are over. Computer games are over. Playing with his friends on any day except one day a week is over. He can have Sundays off, but the other six days a week, his nose will be glued to a book, he will have Math and Science tutors and I will be hammering him on English the five evenings a week I am home. I cannot allow my son to continue the spiral of poverty that has gripped his family for generations. Time for tough love!

 

 

Chengdu4me;

 

You have always shown wisdom, maturity, and well thought out approaches to life....you are to respected for that. Think long and hard about how you deal with the "several issues" you have been confronted with....

 

 

Just a view from the "Cheap Seats"....

 

1. You must move the "boy" to a private school, where you can be seen as part of the "Triad" for success. (Teachers, Parents, Child)

2. You cannot accept the "discrimination" of being a foreigner and not participating in what is a third of the "success model" for educating children. What message does this teach the boy!

3. Why would you give him Sunday's off - has he "improved", has he shown remorse for his poor - achievement, is he showing drive, determination, respect, and tenacity in studying to correct this poor behavior...Forget Sunday's until his "behavior/outcomes" change. If you give rewards before change, change might not occur - just a thought.

4. This is not "tough love", this is love and concern for his well being and future.

 

I know you will work it out, but don't forget...the problem wasn't caused in "one day" and won't be "fixed" in one day.

 

My best to you...

Hawaii Mike

[Stepbrow]

Or you could,

 

1. You could invite the teacher to dinner.

2. Tell him/her you support them.

3. Tell them what your plan is (which is good).

4. Ask them for their advice for further help.

 

If that fails, you can go the private school route. If it works you have gained much face.

[lostinblue]

Yan also had her son attend summer school for several years. Right now he is in a boarding school near chengDu. They are pretty strict there.

[chengdu4me]

Thank you all for your input. Being the "Dad" of a teenager is a new experience for me. My sole concern is not for myself or his teachers. My sole concern is for his future. I do know that I have to put together a "team" to ensure his success. That must include his mother, myself, my son, and his teachers. Everyone must do their job for this to have a positive outcome. But, the big job is his. He must take his education seriously and soak up what myself , his teachers, his tutors try to teach him. And, he must ask questions, throw up a flag...something!... if he doesn't understand.

 

His mother cannot help him much other than to talk to him. She only has a 9th grade education herself. Teaching him English, Science, Algebra are beyond her educational capabilities. I can work with him on his English. I will hire tutors to help him with his Science and Algebra. These subjects are going to require discussions in the mother tongue, so I am useless in that area. We have five universities/colleges in our neighborhood. I ought to be able to find plenty of help. I'll go to see my friend at the University today. He is the Dean of one of the schools there. He can point me in the right direction to find tutors.

 

Giving him Sunday off is a conscious decision. In my work at the middle school in Xinjin, I see these same grade kids not getting enough exercise. They are unruly and way over-amped in class. I firmly believe that the cause of this is not enough exercise. Chinese children, as a group don't get nearly enough exercise. I want to give him one day a week to go out and burn off his week. Putting him in "prison" will not accomplish anything. Kids can't see beyond their next meal, so if he think his life is completely over, he will give up. Depression and apathy will not solve this problem. He will need a balance of many things. Exercise is one of them.

 

He has lost his allowance..no need for money..he ain't going anywhere to spend it. He has lost his computer games...time to play? ...time to study! He has lost his nightly outing with his friends...I ask him if his friends would pay his bills when he is an adult...he agreed that while friends are important, education is more important.

 

Now, boys and girls...I am not stupid! I know that he thinks this will blow over and that he thinks that as long as he tells me what I want to hear that everything will calm down and life will go back to what he wants it to be. But...it won't. It will take him awhile to realize this and to really understand his options. The truth is this..his options are get a good education and succeed in life or become a street sweeper. His options are accomplish what I set out for him to accomplish or suffer.

 

I am not a Chinese parent. I will treat him exactly the way my father treated me and my brother and sister. All money stops the day his education stops. As long as he is in school, he is welcome to live with us and I will fully support him and the cost of his schooling. When he gets money from me, he better be saving some of it. I have told him this. If he didn't take that message to heart, that is his problem.

 

I will hire tutors for him for the remainder of this term. If his grades don't improve, then it will be obvious that he just doesn't care enough to bother. If that is the case, I stop the tutoring and let him fail on his own. No sense in throwing money at a problem if it can't solve it. If his grades do improve, then we will continue the tutors and give back "some", but not all of the privileges.

Edited November 30, 2009 by chengdu4me (see edit history)

[Stone]

Can I offer my perspectives from a different angle? Just my 2 cents.

 

Chengdu is close to a politically sensitive area (you know what I mean). Is it possible that the security guard at the school, possibly at the direction of some school officials, is told not to allow foreigners, because they are afraid that some foreign journalists might sneak in and take unwanted pictures of the school and put those photos in Western media drawing unneeded attention? I can imagine the school officials must take full the responsibility if their school is exposed in a derogatory manner. Yes, you showed the guard your marriage certificate, but could the guard still be suspicious of a foreign journalist? My guess you might be able to avoid this scenario in a big and more open city like Shanghai? Also, I have the guess that if you dress in an expensive suit and have an interpreter go with you, that the guard might let you in, because he may think you are a foreign official who has some business with the school principal?

Edited December 1, 2009 by Stone (see edit history)

[chengdu4me]

That is an interesting take on it, but nope. I asked around. Only the parents are allowed on school grounds anywhere in China. "Foreign Parents by Marriage" (Foreign Step-parents) not included in this rule.

 

As the thread continued, Stone, the focus has changed from the schools attitude towards foreigners to one of my sons performance at school. That is now the bigger issue.

[Tony_onrock]

There is a rule and there is a way. If you really, really want to get to talk to the teacher on the school ground, it can be done.

[chengdu4me]

I know this much. Teachers in China are underpaid and overwhelmed. The average work day for a teachers is 13 hours.

 

When my son started this school year, we had a talk. I told him that he must get good grades and that if he was having any trouble that he should come to me and I would get him the help he needs. He said he would do that. He said he understood completely. He didn't do that. I don't care about their culture of never asking for help or asking questions. He failed to do what he promised to do. It is as simple as that. Now, he gets my help. He gets it in the form of tutors and myself, every evening for three hours. Every Saturday for four hours and then he will study and do practice exams the rest of the day.

 

Students at my school in Xinjin go to classes from 8 am until 9 pm. He is about to find out what that is like. If he can't bring his grades up by the end of this semester (Spring Break), I will enroll him at my school in Xinjin and he can join the ranks of the 13 hour a day/6 day a week students. The bottom line is that I and he will do whatever it takes, regardless of the pain, suffering, and cost to ensure he gets a good education. What he does with that education is up to him, but he will have it as a foundation for his future...or he will die trying....

 

A few of you know me. I am an education fanatic. I have four Masters Degrees and I spend 29 years at university study. I doubt anyone could ever lecture me on the importance of a good education. Failure is not an option! Death before D's!!!

[b.c]

Good for you Larry. One day, perhaps many years from now, he will be sincerely grateful for you and your efforts.

[chengdu4me]

That's the hard thing, isn't it? It's not gratitude I am seeking. It is his independence and success at whatever he does. The paradox of parenting is that you must put them in prison to be able to set them free.

 

I will be a total hard-ass and completely unfair just to ensure that he never wonders about anything. I want him to have the knowledge and the confidence to dive into anything and know that it will turn out as he planned...just because of what we do here this year and the remaining years of his education. When I see that he gets it, when I see that he can take on the world without fear, then I know he will be alright and I can relax. It all starts with education. It all starts with learning how to learn. It all starts with knowing that you have conquered whatever you have tried, so the future is not scary.

Edited December 1, 2009 by chengdu4me (see edit history)

[NewDay2006]

Thank you all for your input. Being the "Dad" of a teenager is a new experience for me. My sole concern is not for myself or his teachers. My sole concern is for his future. I do know that I have to put together a "team" to ensure his success. That must include his mother, myself, my son, and his teachers. Everyone must do their job for this to have a positive outcome. But, the big job is his. He must take his education seriously and soak up what myself , his teachers, his tutors try to teach him. And, he must ask questions, throw up a flag...something!... if he doesn't understand.

 

His mother cannot help him much other than to talk to him. She only has a 9th grade education herself. Teaching him English, Science, Algebra are beyond her educational capabilities. I can work with him on his English. I will hire tutors to help him with his Science and Algebra. These subjects are going to require discussions in the mother tongue, so I am useless in that area. We have five universities/colleges in our neighborhood. I ought to be able to find plenty of help. I'll go to see my friend at the University today. He is the Dean of one of the schools there. He can point me in the right direction to find tutors.

 

Giving him Sunday off is a conscious decision. In my work at the middle school in Xinjin, I see these same grade kids not getting enough exercise. They are unruly and way over-amped in class. I firmly believe that the cause of this is not enough exercise. Chinese children, as a group don't get nearly enough exercise. I want to give him one day a week to go out and burn off his week. Putting him in "prison" will not accomplish anything. Kids can't see beyond their next meal, so if he think his life is completely over, he will give up. Depression and apathy will not solve this problem. He will need a balance of many things. Exercise is one of them.

 

He has lost his allowance..no need for money..he ain't going anywhere to spend it. He has lost his computer games...time to play? ...time to study! He has lost his nightly outing with his friends...I ask him if his friends would pay his bills when he is an adult...he agreed that while friends are important, education is more important.

 

Now, boys and girls...I am not stupid! I know that he thinks this will blow over and that he thinks that as long as he tells me what I want to hear that everything will calm down and life will go back to what he wants it to be. But...it won't. It will take him awhile to realize this and to really understand his options. The truth is this..his options are get a good education and succeed in life or become a street sweeper. His options are accomplish what I set out for him to accomplish or suffer.

 

I am not a Chinese parent. I will treat him exactly the way my father treated me and my brother and sister. All money stops the day his education stops. As long as he is in school, he is welcome to live with us and I will fully support him and the cost of his schooling. When he gets money from me, he better be saving some of it. I have told him this. If he didn't take that message to heart, that is his problem.

 

I will hire tutors for him for the remainder of this term. If his grades don't improve, then it will be obvious that he just doesn't care enough to bother. If that is the case, I stop the tutoring and let him fail on his own. No sense in throwing money at a problem if it can't solve it. If his grades do improve, then we will continue the tutors and give back "some", but not all of the privileges.

I feel you, totally!! I'm there right now. My thought and only my thought is that while I understand yor feelings about not having access to school, the bigger is his lack of study and success in school. I also see that you understand this.

 

When Peipei's teachers in china knew he was coming to the US, they gave him A's in everything.... Me and his mom knew better. When we took him to be evaluated to enter HS last year, they evaluator kept saying Asian kids generally do very well on the math portion.... needless to say my wife and I knew what the results would be.

 

I've told my story with my son Peipei many times here. Peipei does not have good study habits. I have stressed a lot over this in the past year trying many things. I have backed up a bit lately. I can't have a heart attack over a child that is almost 18 years old. As his mother says, it is his life. While I don't tottally agree with that statement, if he doesn't want it.... You can take a horse to the water but....

 

There were some Korean kids over my house for Thanksgiving and they are good friends of Peipei's ... they get A's and have the same time in America in as Peipei.

 

Nothing more to say on Peipei, but if you plan to come stateside with your son... push him as hard as possible now... I guess even if you won't come statside just the same. Good Luck.

[Yuanyang]

I know this much. Teachers in China are underpaid and overwhelmed. The average work day for a teachers is 13 hours.

 

When my son started this school year, we had a talk. I told him that he must get good grades and that if he was having any trouble that he should come to me and I would get him the help he needs. He said he would do that. He said he understood completely. He didn't do that. I don't care about their culture of never asking for help or asking questions. He failed to do what he promised to do. It is as simple as that. Now, he gets my help. He gets it in the form of tutors and myself, every evening for three hours. Every Saturday for four hours and then he will study and do practice exams the rest of the day.

 

Students at my school in Xinjin go to classes from 8 am until 9 pm. He is about to find out what that is like. If he can't bring his grades up by the end of this semester (Spring Break), I will enroll him at my school in Xinjin and he can join the ranks of the 13 hour a day/6 day a week students. The bottom line is that I and he will do whatever it takes, regardless of the pain, suffering, and cost to ensure he gets a good education. What he does with that education is up to him, but he will have it as a foundation for his future...or he will die trying....

 

A few of you know me. I am an education fanatic. I have four Masters Degrees and I spend 29 years at university study. I doubt anyone could ever lecture me on the importance of a good education. Failure is not an option! Death before D's!!!

A "Thank You" gesture to his teachers may well be in order along with a message that you and his mother are taking actions to correct his behavior. It is not inappropriate to make that "Thank You" with cash.

[Yuanyang]

Another thought ...

I grew up in a small town with the grandparents on the farm just 6 miles outside of town. My grandfather (like Chairman Mao) thought alike when it came to getting the generations in touch with the agricultural class. Every Summer and every weekend I got to learn the "opportunities" that awaited me if I didn't make the effort to study. Believe me, you don't want to be cutting, raking, baling, & hauling hay in Texas Summers for the rest of your life!

Edited December 1, 2009 by Yuanyang (see edit history)

[knloregon]

my parenting experience supports your policy that Sunday should be something different. And that there is room for a carrot. Some reward activity for progress. I found that if I hold firm, the reward can be quite small---a half hour TV program, for instance, but the effort to receive it can be significant, and for my girls, the challenge makes the learning process more interesting.

 

Giving money to a public school teacher is a bad idea, in my opinion. Its illegal for the teacher to accept, and if he or she does, there is an implied expectation, which puts the teacher in a very problematic place. Since the expectation isn't specific (like tutoring after school) the teacher's dilemma going forward is the worry that if he or she doesn't perform, in some vague way (grade enhancement?) that the bribe will be revealed, and she will be fired.

 

She also has to worry about the reaction of other parents (since she has no assurances they won't find out)---which would lead to a very short teaching career.

 

In any case, it compromises her high status in the community.