Her parents

[kevins]

So I called up my girlfriend today. Usually he gets on QQ (Chinese chat program) when she wakes up and we chat. I didn't hear from her so I called her up through Skype. She, her father, and mother were at IKEA looking to buy a mattress for me the next time I come to China.

 

To me this is an amazing gesture of kindness. I don't speak enough Mandarin to communicate with them but ever since I met them they have treated me with warm hospitality. Southern hospitality has nothing on Chinese hospitality.

 

My problem is that her parents do not have a lot of money. I was able to convince my girlfriend that I don't mind staying in their small apartment and using the squat toilet (horrible and embarrassing experience my first time, hehe). They were going to rent a new apartment with a sit down toilet for the next time I visited them in December/January. My girlfriend knows I sleep on an American style mattress, large and soft. I complained too much about my back from my hotel room. That bed consisted of a 1 cm thick of foam over plywood. The hotel room bed was softer than my girlfriend's bed at home which is a sheet over plywood. So they are at IKEA right now buying a mattress.

 

Has anyone had problems with your in-laws buying you too many things? On my way to China I was expecting to be inspected thoroughly and treated more like a potential playboy. Instead I was treated like a son. I dated a Chinese girl before and her mother would not even look at me when I met her. So this caught completely off guard.

 

Maybe it was that I could keep up drinking with her father and her 2 uncles and showed my gratitude by giving the whole family small gifts for Mid-autumn festival. Maybe they could see how genuinely in love I am with their daughter and she with me.

 

So if anyone has any advise how to show your in-laws in a polite and respectful way that they don't have to pay for expensive food, alcohol, and other items for me.

 

Before I leave this post. Her parents gave me one last shocker before I left. I was already teary eyed leaving my girlfriend and didn't want to leave China. First her father called me up while I was waiting for my plane in Shenzhen and "talked" to me on the phone. He spoke in Mandarin and I could not understand most of it, but my girlfriend told me he said he was sorry he could not see me off and that he liked me a lot. When I landed in Beijing and turned on my China mobile, I received text messages from her mother. "妈妈爱你妈妈想..." (mama love you, mama miss you...). I tell you it was hard to leave China.

Edited October 25, 2009 by kevins (see edit history)

[Michael]

Hi,

Well sometimes that is how they are. When I was there they would not let me spend one dime. I know how you feel. I am doing a CR 1. We did end getting married in China. I was the only American at our wedding. But let me tell you it was awesome. Her family treats me very well. So just do the best you can. On google you can translate English to Chinese. Works both ways. So you can also use that tool.

Good Luck,

Michael

[kevins]

Hi,

Well sometimes that is how they are. When I was there they would not let me spend one dime. I know how you feel. I am doing a CR 1. We did end getting married in China. I was the only American at our wedding. But let me tell you it was awesome. Her family treats me very well. So just do the best you can. On google you can translate English to Chinese. Works both ways. So you can also use that tool.

Good Luck,

Michael

 

Thanks for the advise I deeply humbled with their kindness and respect. After I came back to America I was sad I did not have my big Chinese family to eat with and to say "gambei" to.

 

I don't want her family to overspend on my part. I am a simple guy. Never been materialistic, but I think they are starting to understand that about me.

[warpedbored]

Your sweet heart will guide you as to what is appropriate. The last thing you want to do is cause her parents to lose face by seeming not to appreciate their gifts. You can give them gifts too. a few crisp hundred dollar bills in a red envelope never seems to go wrong in Chinese culture. Toss in a bottle of Jack Daniels for Baba and some American Ginseng for Mama for good measure.

[Kyle]

Your sweet heart will guide you as to what is appropriate. The last thing you want to do is cause her parents to lose face by seeming not to appreciate their gifts. You can give them gifts too. a few crisp hundred dollar bills in a red envelope never seems to go wrong in Chinese culture. Toss in a bottle of Jack Daniels for Baba and some American Ginseng for Mama for good measure.

 

I agree with this. My wife's parents did the same thing. Not wanting to take their face, I relayed my feelings (similar to yours) to my wife. She handled it in a tactful way so that everyone actually gained face rather than losing it.

 

Chinese people in general are accustomed to giving/receiving gifts. Here's a thread that gives more ideas.

 

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?...570&hl=gift

[Batmaniac]

Sounds familiar. What Warpedbored said - leave some money. We usually try and hide it so they can't turn it down.

 

Congratulations on the warm, loving and accepting family!

[Guest Tony n Terrific]

My Father in Law wants Marlboro Cigarettes. Mama wants American Ginseng. My wife wants American Ginseng, Vitamin E body lotion and vitamins.

[amberjack1234]

My mother in law would get up a 5AM and go across town to get fresh range eggs for me every morning until I found out what she was doing. I had my wife stop her from that and just buy the eggs at the closest free market. That market was about a mile from her apartment and she would get up every morning and walk down to it to buy fresh vegetables for me. She did many more things like this most of which I got my wife to scale her efforts back but just could not stop her completely. She would only let us take them out to restaurant once and we bought take out about 3 times in a period of 30 days.

 

I just wanted them to live just as they did every day that I was not there nothing special.

 

Larry

[Mike and Yan]

My Father in Law wants Marlboro Cigarettes. Mama wants American Ginseng. My wife wants American Ginseng, Vitamin E body lotion and vitamins.

 

As we were shopping, my wife was saying the ginseng was really good, but I could not figure out why.

 

What is so great about "American" Ginseng?

[Scott@Hong]

 

What is so great about "American" Ginseng?

 

How about what is it used for other then in energy drinks?

[Kyle]

http://www.umm.edu/altmed/articles/america...seng-000248.htm

[Mike and Yan]

http://www.umm.edu/altmed/articles/america...seng-000248.htm

interesting article

 

American ginseng may have less stimulants but otherwise they are about the same except in color.

[david_dawei]

To me this is an amazing gesture of kindness. I don't speak enough Mandarin to communicate with them but ever since I met them they have treated me with warm hospitality. Southern hospitality has nothing on Chinese hospitality.

It is actually a very simple act; a very simple decision.

 

Try this: wake up each and with one general thought:

 

WHAT SHOULD I DO TODAY?

 

Then DO it.

 

If you can truly understand this, then you'll realize they don't care about your mandarin or your hospitality. What you DO is what matters.