Money for ma ma

[Henry and Mei]

Now that I successfully completed the visa process, I have been helping several friends with advice here and in China....

One that is stumping me is that one fiancee is telling my friend that it is Chinese tradition/custom to send the mother money due to marrying her daughter.

She suggests for $3,000 for ma ma and another $2,000 for her before she comes here (basically play money for her).

My thought is that this stinks. What should I be thinking/tell him?

I am at a loss here and do not even know what to say or suggest to him.

[dnoblett]

It is a culture thing.

 

In my case $500 to mum as a gift, I gave her 5 $100 bills, in a red envelope.

 

My Yu drew out her savings and got nice gifts for her sister and other friends.

[Sam and Fen]

Now that I successfully completed the visa process, I have been helping several friends with advice here and in China....

 

One that is stumping me is that one fiancee is telling my friend that it is Chinese tradition/custom to send the mother money due to marrying her daughter.

 

She suggests for $3,000 for ma ma and another $2,000 for her before she comes here (basically play money for her).

 

My thought is that this stinks. What should I be thinking/tell him?

 

I am at a loss here and do not even know what to say or suggest to him.

 

It is a Chinese tradition to give parents of the bride some money and it differs from region to region.

 

5K is kind of milking it no matter how you look at it and just blows my mind. My personal opinion, if you give the money now there will be more asked later.

 

In my case every time I ask my fiancee if she needs money the answer is a firm NO.

[Mike and Yan]

 

She suggests for $3,000 for ma ma and another $2,000 for her before she comes here (basically play money for her).

 

My wife told me similar while we were in China. I indicated that I could not pay money to receive any human being. I would not be able to face my parents. As an American Citizen the idea of paying money to parents in exchange for their child is unacceptable. TOTALLY.

 

I also said that I didn¡¯t mind giving a small gift of money; in keeping with the Chinese tradition. So a polite gift is possible at least in my mind.

 

BUT it can not be of great $$$ value. I felt that 100 RMB was OK.

 

She promptly left the room. Five minutes later she returned and I received a huge kiss. And I mean really huge. No words, no explanation, just an end to the discussion. I never asked what happened.

 

Additionally, I ensured the parents were well fed and received at great wedding banquet.

[Henry and Mei]

 

She suggests for $3,000 for ma ma and another $2,000 for her before she comes here (basically play money for her).

 

My wife told me similar while we were in China. I indicated that I could not pay money to receive any human being. I would not be able to face my parents. As an American Citizen the idea of paying money to parents in exchange for their child is unacceptable. TOTALLY.

 

I also said that I didn¡¯t mind giving a small gift of money; in keeping with the Chinese tradition. So a polite gift is possible at least in my mind.

 

BUT it can not be of great $$$ value. I felt that 100 RMB was OK.

 

She promptly left the room. Five minutes later she returned and I received a huge kiss. And I mean really huge. No words, no explanation, just an end to the discussion. I never asked what happened.

 

Additionally, I ensured the parents were well fed and received at great wedding banquet.

 

My thoughts exactly......

 

One friend gave his fiancee Ma Ma a $100 bill. He said that she was happy.

 

Of course, my fiancee knows my friend and his fiancee and talk almost daily.

 

I later asked my fiancee about this and she said that since he pay so little that her family would look low on him for not giving more...

 

This is definitely not an American thing, so I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. And I agree about not paying parents for a daughter. Seems like business to me but culture to them. So far I have dodged this bullet, but I am thinking of giving her mother something once we settle in and even possibly having her stay with us for a year as a visitor especially if we have children.

 

I am appreciating the thoughts for me and for him...THANKS

[david_dawei]

Now that I successfully completed the visa process, I have been helping several friends with advice here and in China....

 

One that is stumping me is that one fiancee is telling my friend that it is Chinese tradition/custom to send the mother money due to marrying her daughter.

 

She suggests for $3,000 for ma ma and another $2,000 for her before she comes here (basically play money for her).

 

My thought is that this stinks. What should I be thinking/tell him?

 

I am at a loss here and do not even know what to say or suggest to him.

it's not all that uncommon...

 

and it's not all that uncommon to find out too late you've found the wrong girl

 

Too bad they didn't discuss this early... now that they are 'fiancee' and all

 

what city / province is she from? I always like to hear where the ladies are from concerning this and a few other issues.

[Batmaniac]

My wife claims the further out in the country, the bigger the payment that is expected. We do know a guy who paid his future in-laws around 10K.

[squirty]

You rarely get this kinda stuff with the city gals. Instead, they just ask for Gucci, Prada, LV, Burberry....

 

And don't forget Birkenstock, Manolos, Marc Jacobs, Armani, Guess.

 

Of course, there's also Calvin Klein, Guess, Ferragamo....

 

 

Trust me, you're better off paying the $5,000.

[squirty]

My wife claims the further out in the country, the bigger the payment that is expected. We do know a guy who paid his future in-laws around 10K.

 

 

Scammed...sorry, did I say that out loud?

 

Seriously, I don't believe in putting a price on love.

Edited October 5, 2009 by squirty (see edit history)

[Henry and Mei]

Now that I successfully completed the visa process, I have been helping several friends with advice here and in China....

 

One that is stumping me is that one fiancee is telling my friend that it is Chinese tradition/custom to send the mother money due to marrying her daughter.

 

She suggests for $3,000 for ma ma and another $2,000 for her before she comes here (basically play money for her).

 

My thought is that this stinks. What should I be thinking/tell him?

 

I am at a loss here and do not even know what to say or suggest to him.

it's not all that uncommon...

 

and it's not all that uncommon to find out too late you've found the wrong girl

 

Too bad they didn't discuss this early... now that they are 'fiancee' and all

 

what city / province is she from? I always like to hear where the ladies are from concerning this and a few other issues.

 

 

His fiancee is from Kaifeng/Hehan and mine Yinde/Guangdong.

 

Like Larry (amberjack) states this process is expensive -- more than most USCs may initially expect.

 

This is an 'extra" cost that also many may not be aware of. My fiancee has been very ambitious to be so successful in business, so money has been obviously mentioned. But my experience is when people confuse money for love the real problems begin...

 

I have just been exposed to too much greed and the ill that it brings. So while I am still thinking of how much to give my laopo's mother, I hope I can help my friend. A gift (even money) does not sound evil to me, but $3K sounds like a lot...

[Henry and Mei]

My wife claims the further out in the country, the bigger the payment that is expected. We do know a guy who paid his future in-laws around 10K.

 

 

Scammed...sorry, did I say that out loud?

 

Seriously, I don't believe in putting in price on love.

 

My initial run in with finding a Chinese woman and extra end costs was my friends before me having to deal with "agencies."

 

My first friend was engaged, filed for the K-1 and all that expense, when the agency raised it's ugly head threatening his fiancee for money. Coming to her work and public embarrassing her. Then on his final trip trailing her to find him and then publicly in the lobby of the hotel demanding an extra $10K.

 

I met a couple really nice Chinese women online that actually wrote their own emails through an agency although they would not admit to being tied to an agency and I had to walk away. Simply for not being honest with me. Since I personally with friends experienced so much of this, it became easy to recognize, but a pain to have to discover....

[squirty]

My wife claims the further out in the country, the bigger the payment that is expected. We do know a guy who paid his future in-laws around 10K.

 

 

Scammed...sorry, did I say that out loud?

 

Seriously, I don't believe in putting in price on love.

 

My initial run in with finding a Chinese woman and extra end costs was my friends before me having to deal with "agencies."

 

My first friend was engaged, filed for the K-1 and all that expense, when the agency raised it's ugly head threatening his fiancee for money. Coming to her work and public embarrassing her. Then on his final trip trailing her to find him and then publicly in the lobby of the hotel demanding an extra $10K.

 

I met a couple really nice Chinese women online that actually wrote their own emails through an agency although they would not admit to being tied to an agency and I had to walk away. Simply for not being honest with me. Since I personally with friends experienced so much of this, it became easy to recognize, but a pain to have to discover....

 

Unfortunately, this is the ugly side of China.

[maxsalvo]

I guess my relationship must be the exception to the rule. Good luck to anyone who is expected to fork over their cash to their wife/girlfriends family.

 

I married a girl from Hunan. I was never once asked, nor was it suggested I give cash to anyone. I did buy a few gifts for her parents but they were very simple and were really no more then what they gave to me and sent for my family in the states.

 

I would also like to add that my wife NEVER asks me for money and I have a hard time getting her to accept any.

 

I think the old phrase "Buyer Beware" is appropriate in the situation described in the original post. Too bad there is no warranty or guarantee that comes along with the purchase, it would probably be needed.

Edited October 5, 2009 by maxsalvo (see edit history)

[Sam and Fen]

I guess my relationship must be the exception to the rule. Good luck to anyone who is expected to fork over their cash to their wife/girlfriends family.

 

I married a girl from Hunan. I was never once asked, nor was it suggested I give cash to anyone. I did buy a few gifts for her parents but they were very simple and were really no more then what they gave to me and sent for my family in the states.

 

I would also like to add that my wife NEVER asks me for money and I have a hard time getting her to accept any.

 

I think the old phrase "Buyer Beware" is appropriate in the situation described in the original post. Too bad there is no warranty or guarantee that comes along with the purchase, it would probably be needed.

 

 

I could not agree more. Thankfully my SO is the same way.

There is no Lemon Law that applies here

[Batmaniac]

I guess my relationship must be the exception to the rule. Good luck to anyone who is expected to fork over their cash to their wife/girlfriends family.

 

I married a girl from Hunan. I was never once asked, nor was it suggested I give cash to anyone. I did buy a few gifts for her parents but they were very simple and were really no more then what they gave to me and sent for my family in the states.

 

I would also like to add that my wife NEVER asks me for money and I have a hard time getting her to accept any.

 

I think the old phrase "Buyer Beware" is appropriate in the situation described in the original post. Too bad there is no warranty or guarantee that comes along with the purchase, it would probably be needed.

 

Same experience. Ying's parents were trying to give us money before the wedding! We let them pay for a bit of the wedding and buy jewelry but I told Ying NOT to allow them to dip into their savings and give us a bunch of cash that they can't afford. They (including Ying) already gave quite a bit to her brother when he married.

 

Now we have left a little money "hidden" for them when we have visited because we know they wouldn't accept it otherwise. I don't mind helping when we can. I'm sure we will send something for New Years.