What Americans don't realize are signs of love

[Scott@Hong]

Many of the things you do to show love are not noticed or realized by an American

 

I pulled this from another thread in the Our Stories forum and brought it here so I did not derail that important thread. A Mafan was giving that OP some great advice and this line I quoted above really got me thinking.

A brief summary of my situation:

My SO is still in Chongqing as the VISA process continues, I have been there 5 times now in the last 9 months and we have even had a Wedding ceremony in China with all her family and I had my 2 adult children travel to China to meet her and her family and attend the wedding. Not legal ceremony, K1 visa.

 

I personally feel we have a great relationship, love each other very much and we both want to be together the rest of our lives. My greatest fear is the adjustment to life here in the USA for my SO. I have told her flat out that after she comes here, if after 2 years she is not happy with USA life and culture we will pack up and I will move to China, I am very committed to that promise.

I want her to be happy here, so back to the original quote I would love some examples of things that are missed as signs of love in a American/Chinese relationship? I just feel anything I can do to ease her transition will help her be happy here.

[Highlander]

Hi Scott, I was in Chongqing in April for 3 weeks, so I got to know more about my SO, after almost a year on talking. We too have a great relationship. The little things she did for me like make breakfast, and always thinking of what I may want to eat or drink while I was there. We were on the go everyday, to see as much as possible, and to meet family, and friends. A good relationship is all about compromise and adapt. I am trying to find as much information for ease of transition, like where to buy Chinese vegetables, have her hair done, what type of cloths she likes. So best of luck, Scott & Hong

[Kyle]

That's such a hard question to answer because everyone doesn't speak the same dialect of love.

 

What may be a missed sign for me, may not be one for you and vice-versa. The key isn't taking our own personal experience and applying our mistakes to your life, but to know your wife's personality intimately (deeply), so that you know what makes her feel like she's the most spectacular thing to you, since sliced bread.

 

For example:

 

My wife loves gifts. They don't have to be big gifts, small ones, have the same effect. So, every-now-and-then, I'll buy her a lily, or something else that I know she'd like. By doing this, she feels loved.

 

I could just as easily wash the dishes, and she will appreciate me doing so, but that particular action won't hit her as strongly, it won't profess my love for her, as buying her a lily would.

 

Everyone is different. Some people, need to hear "I love you" several times every day, others, rather than hearing it, need to be shown, through acts of love.

 

For me, I don't particularly get much out of being told "I love you". Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike hearing it, it just doesn't fill my particular need for closeness.

 

For me, I like spending time with my wife, whether is it watching a moving or just hanging out. That makes me feel appreciated and needed.

 

Everyone is different, so it's going to be hard to give advice on your particular situation, considering we really don't know you, nor your spouse.

 

Only you know what gets your wife going. If you find that she's particularly receptive to something you've said or done, take note of it, and focus on doing more.

 

There's a decent book written by a guy named Gary Chapman <<The Five Love Languages>> which break down the love-relationship psychology in a lot more detail than I have done. Yes, he is a Christian, but even if you're not one, there is a whole lot of applicable information, that everyone can find useful.

 

I have a hard time believing, if you are truly trying to serve and love your wife (note the word serve), and if she's trying to do the same for you, your relationship cannot help but grow closer with a more intimate bond.

Edited October 2, 2009 by KJJ (see edit history)

[Guest Pommey]

I have told her flat out that after she comes here, if after 2 years she is not happy with USA life and culture we will pack up and I will move to China, I am very committed to that promise.

 

 

Hope you are, you will be held to that promise

 

Adjustment and expressions of love..........ummmm, my guess that varies greatly from couple to couple, person to person. Really all any of us here can do is speak of our own marriage with any real certainty/detail.

 

But as a general guide, and its very general is "actions speak louder than words" many Chinese women (cant speak for all, if any) will stick with it as long as they believe you put them first and your focus is on the "harmony" of your marriage.

 

As for signs of love, gosh complex and varied but I suppose one that's easily misunderstood is "sa jiao" (spelt wrong I'm sure) I started a thread on that a year or so ago and I think Amafan did too, check them out.

Also I would add another "touching" seems to me, and maybe just me, that Chinese are pretty reserved in this, petting is reserved for only those you love.

Selflessness is a very big sign too, in other words the desire, thought and action to please the other before yourself.

 

Any way that's just a few that spring to mind.

 

{Fix Broken Quote Tags}

Edited October 2, 2009 by dnoblett (see edit history)

[Scott@Hong]

KJJ and Highlander both good posts, but let me clarify a little more what I am after. I am looking more for the little things that we let slip by without a acknowledgement or a thank you. Little things that can build into big things.

 

Now that I am thinking about this, let me give a few examples that I just thought of that I let slip by.

Last trip there, I hate the traditional Chinese bed, hard as a rock. This last trip she had padded the side of bed I sleep on making it more comfortable for me.

Another example, I am a avid Mountain Dew drinker which until recently was not even available in China. This time when I showed up, sure enough there was Mountain Dew in the frig.

 

My point being, what other little things am I missing? Highlander brought up type of food we like to eat etc.

 

If we lived together full time I am sure I will pick up on more things, but 2 weeks at a time every few months, its hard to pick up a lot of the little things that will come up once she is here.

[A Mafan]

KJJ and Highlander both good posts, but let me clarify a little more what I am after. I am looking more for the little things that we let slip by without a acknowledgement or a thank you. Little things that can build into big things.

 

Now that I am thinking about this, let me give a few examples that I just thought of that I let slip by.

Last trip there, I hate the traditional Chinese bed, hard as a rock. This last trip she had padded the side of bed I sleep on making it more comfortable for me.

Another example, I am a avid Mountain Dew drinker which until recently was not even available in China. This time when I showed up, sure enough there was Mountain Dew in the frig.

 

My point being, what other little things am I missing? Highlander brought up type of food we like to eat etc.

 

If we lived together full time I am sure I will pick up on more things, but 2 weeks at a time every few months, its hard to pick up a lot of the little things that will come up once she is here.

If you've noticed those two things, you are already doing well!

 

Here's two more examples (or maybe just possibilities):

When she spends lots of time picking out gifts for your adult children, you may think she is just trying to develop a good relationship with them. In her mind, she is probably thinking that, sure, it will help develop a good relationship with them, but even *more* important is that she is showing respect and effort for the people most important to you.

By unconditionally loving the people you love without knowing them very well (or in some cases, without having ever met them), that is something Chinese consider an expression of love.

 

The 2nd:

To many Chinese, saying "thank you" is actually distancing. They consider family too close to need politeness. Chinese usually only say thank you to superiors at work, or strangers, or something. So if she does little things for you, the best way to express thanks is to do little things for her, rather than *saying* thank you (which would make her feel like you are depending on officialness/manners to interact with her instead of love and familiarity).

 

That's one of the reasons Chinese women don't learn to control their temper: why be false among family?

 

Which leads to why security is so important to Chinese women: they want to be accepted and loved even though they overreact and fly off the handle.

 

So, as I understand it: acknowledgement, yes; thank you, no. I think this fades the longer the Chinese individual is in the US and sees that "please" and "thank you" don't have to be distancing.

 

Another example:

I mentioned I liked the little bamboo squares that they put on chairs, because they were cooler than the upholstery on my couch back when I was in Hawaii. So Yatou's mom went to 3 different stores until she found one the size of my couch. And it weighed a good 20 pounds, and she carried it back herself.

I didn't know she worked that hard to do that for me. And she had only met me once. But I was going to be her daughter's husband, so she spared no effort to do a little nice thing for me.

 

I hope that helps.

Edited October 2, 2009 by A Mafan (see edit history)

[Guest jin979]

#1 i dont agree agree with completly.yes she will try but if disrespected or made to lose face by them will soon change mind and effort.

#2 and others yes

[Scott@Hong]

Appreciate the input, I didn't know about the Thankyou being distancing I will definitly work on that when I am with her and around her family. I do try to do little things for her as often as I can and for her family especially her brother in law who is the sole person left obejcting to our relationship. Everyone else in her family is sold on me.

 

Funny you bring up the gifts for my kids, that scenario played out exactly as you described it when I took them to China to meet her and her family. My kids brought her well thought out gifts and I know Hong spent a lot of time picking what gifts she would give them. My kids were huge hit with the family, so much so they were trying to set up my son (he is 26) with another relative.

[Highlander]

My SO is always thanking me for every photo, email, and call, so I do the same with her. I have not found many Chinese vegetables here, so I bought seeds to grow Chinese vegetables in my garden. My SO also sent seeds to me to try. Most of the seeds did very well. Met a very nice Chinese lady here that works at the nearby college. She has a support group meeting once a month for the few Chinese people here, and invited my SO and myself to join any time. She had alot of information of where my SO can shop and find places and things my SO may be interested in. I hope to find other CFL members near enough to meet for a lunch or dinner. A week-end get away would be nice for her, and to meet other Chinese women that are going though a similar situation.

[david_dawei]

The first six months (to a year for some) are probably the hardest months; The adjustment and shock level has so many factors that yours are not the same once you know that your the only person in the world who is there for her to trust and depend on (besides herself; but she has little experience in the ways of the culture, so confidence may not be what it normal is in china).

 

1. Expect nothing from her and do all you can for her.

2. Don't just listen but anticipate the needs. If your not good at this, you may not feel a strong cultural 'way' she is accustomed to.

3. Don't ask what she needs as much as prepare some of the things she needs. If you ask her constantly what she needs, it could confuse her since she is unaware at time what she needs; she knows this: She needs you to know what she needs in the beginning. Yes, this is an overlap to #2 which shows how important this is.

4. Have a plan for how to get her needs meet; The plan could be very spontaneous but it just means you need to be good at acting quickly upon understanding. If she wants to to take ESL, just find a place and then show her or take her to see it. If she wants to buy chinese food, tell her you know where to go (you need to figure out some things ahead of time... like where to get the food she likes).

5. Remember, little things matter as much as big things.

6. Do things for her which are meant for her well-being and care and health. If your asking her what she needs, then your already lost; do for her small needs. If she likes hot water or tea, brew some each morning without announcement; server a cup without fanfare, etc.

 

The list is endless but only makes sense is based on the two of you as a couple and how well you understand her...

[Mike62356]

My wife and kids were in China for two months this year and that was when I realized that, that little cup of tea she always had sitting on the end table at the end of my day was one of her little ways of telling me she loves me.

I do little things around the house for her with out her asking or my telling her I did it, but I know when she notices it, she'll walk by and touch my neck and smile at me, and I know.

Edited October 9, 2009 by Mike62356 (see edit history)

[dcwfn]

That's the way it ought to be!

 

And like Forrest Gump said; "That's all I have to say aboput that".

[dcwfn]

That's the way it ought to be!

 

And like Forrest Gump said; "That's all I have to say aboput that".

 

All of the posts on this thread give some very good educational information! It'd seem to me that it's just as important for our wives, sons, daughters and/or husbands to learn the same type of things as they apply to American culture as well. It's supposed to be a team effort all the way around. I gave it away right there...lol The sports mentality I still have says that the way to spell "FAMILY" is;

T E A M.

Edited October 10, 2009 by dcwfn (see edit history)