Insight in how Chinese Families work/money

[amberjack1234]

For the newer people here this is a letter written by a Chinese girl about her relationship with her family, money issues, how she feels about herself and her position in life. From this one can understand how they feel about being obligated to the family concerning money matters. I already knew this but I enjoyed reading it from a well educated young Chinese girl.

 

http://www.zonaeuropa.com/200908b.brief.htm

 

Go down to article # 009 A letter from a Chinese.

 

Larry

Edited September 21, 2009 by amberjack1234 (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

nice post...

 

I would say that chinese ladies have a way of expressing their core emotions and feelings in a clear, unambiguous way at times. This is not only seen in the present but for many thousands of years. Particular note can be taken in regards to chinese poetry... male vs female poetry is vastly different.

 

Many books can be found, but two I recommend are:

The Red Brush

 

Women Writers of Traditional China

[Smitty]

While concern for family is very high in asian cultures, I think this young lady is stuck more in a bad situation than anything else.

[chengdu4me]

This is the part of culture and tradition that can leave you feeling like a wrung-out mop. I feel for her. She is caught between a rock and a hard place. There really isn't any way out of these situations without burning a bridge...

[amberjack1234]

This Asian Loyalty does run higher in some families more than others. I am sure that it is not to this extent in every family The thing that I was trying to get the new people here to realize that Asian families are more dependent on each other than is customary in America. If the American husband is not financially able to help or is not willing to help, as all Americans are view as much more wealthy than Asian husbands whether it is true or not, it will cause the Asian wife much loss of face in the family.

 

If I may I would like to share a personal scenario with you. This past year my wife's mother had a nephew that had a type of cancer that was 99% fatal even here in the US that was the statistics. The hospital wanted $40,000 US dollars for the treatment paid in advance before they would treat him. The wife's mother called us for the money. The wife and I discussed it and we made the decision to not send the money. More my wife's decision than mine. After all even here in the US he would have only had a 1% chance of survival rate. My wife's mother blessed her out and ask what good was she for if she could not be counted on in a time of need. Told her that she was nothing but a sorry ass housewife. She would not speak to her daughter for 7 months because she would not send the money.

 

My wife's mother forked over the $40,000 for the treatment. He did not live for one week. $40,000 gone. Keep in mind now that my wife's mother is a surgeon.

 

It has to do with you helping even if the outcome is already known and is going to be disastrous. Just doing nothing is unacceptable.

 

Another one. This one is going on right now. Brother has a son, gives son to parents to raise after birth, divorces wife, marries another woman with a 15 year old daughter but will not take his son and raise him, calls us up and wants us to take the daughter bring her here to America and educate her through college, 8 years later (right now) wants $1,000,000 US dollars from his parents for a new apartment for himself, wife and daughter, money refused, son takes his son away from his parents, trying to force parents to give him the money, takes son back to his home town puts him in a strange school with no friends. Son calls parents drunk about 3-4 times a week and beats son and makes parents listen on the phone trying to extort the money out of parents.

 

I wish I was man enough I would go over there and kick the living shit our of him. Seeing as how he is 42 years old and is 6 foot 7 inches tall and I am 5 foot 8 inches tall and 61 years old that is not going to happen. What is the solution????? SOB's are not just confined to America.

 

So if help is ask for and is not give you may have it extorted out of you. I just told the wife tonight that her parents may have to give up the money if this continues but only if we get custody of the boy and bring him to America so that this bastard can not get his hands on him again. I love the boy (KIKI) to death by the way and he loves me too. He has to sing me a song ever weekend for the last 5 years, that was when he was at his grandparents home. He has been taking english lessens that we pay for and he is doing great up until now. Now his teachers say that he is like an old man in school, just not interested in anything. How can he be any other way with his father beating the hell out of him almost every night for nothing. Whan he was with his grandparents he was a wonderful kid full of energy, well mannered and his grades were 99-100.

 

Charles when are you going back to China again?

 

I'll have gotten this thing off my chest some by telling you guys about ir but I do hope my wife does not read this as you all know this kind of thing must be kept in the family in China at all cost.

 

Larry

Edited September 27, 2009 by amberjack1234 (see edit history)

[chengdu4me]

The wrung-out mop...that now applies to you. This is a situation that if you are getting the straight story is intolerable. Feeling helpless is the worst feeling, especially when it come to kids welfare.

 

I have it pretty easy when it comes to her side of the family. They ask for nothing. My wife, along with the other four daughters all give their Mom 100 Yuan each every month. That pays her rent and utilities. Moms pension is pretty good and provides her with all the income she needs and with our combined help, she saves some every month. "Mom" is the Sam Walton of Chengdu. She has money socked away, but you'd never know it. She lives in welfare housing with no electricity or running water and she is quite content. She is a devote Buddhist and sees no reason to have anything you don't absolutely need. We have tried to get her to move into a decent home, but she will not hear of it. She is two blocks from the Buddhist temple and that is where she spends her days. As I said, I have it pretty easy. All the daughters husbands work and then can support their families in at least a decent lifestyle. No one has asked anything of me since I arrived. Maybe that will change, maybe not...I'm not stingy, but I am not giving anyone our safety net. I have a bottom line for savings that I will not go below no matter what the circumstance. That money is for emergencies that involve my son, my wife, and me.

 

I kinda of made it very clear to my wife that when I came here that my priority would be her and our son. Everybody else gets in line and if/when I can afford to help, I'll let them know. Apparently she passed the word along to the family because no one has come by to hit up the rich American.

[fineart]

Around Mid-Autumn day which is a family reunion day, this topic makes me think of much.

 

To me, my parents are where my spirit goes. I will never give up my parents. I could give all I have to help them and save them if they are in serious situation, eg. very ill.

 

I protect my family to any length. I could give up anything just to make my parents' life fulfilled. Of course, they have told me many times that, only if they know I am living in my dreamed life, their life is fulfilled. It is mutually unconditionally devoted between two generations and the truly deep affection can not be bought by money. There is a tradition that some family members are so close and considerate to each other that often they only choose good news to share so as to make every family member happy and they try not to tell bad news so that family members will not worry.

 

All through my life I could never pay off what my parents have devoted to me. When I recall so many details during my grow-up, I could not be more grateful. Every child could have rebelious part in him/her. I was not exceptional though in a general I was an obedient child. My parents were very strict with me for the family education when I was young. One of the many things they did to me was that they forced me to recite poems from Tang and Song Dynasties which annoyed me very much. But, I could write very long whenever I want, as is the bounty given by my parents which I didn't realize before I grow up. I was taught to be courteous which helped me gain a very warm, smooth and nice outside growing environment that all the seniors liked me, favored me and tried to help me. Up to now, when I saw those seniors, I could still clearly address them as when I was young, and the so humanly close feelings are so precious to my life.

 

After I graduated from college and worked for 4.5 years, I decided to buy a brand new appartment so that I could see my parents more frequently and conveniently. I paid off at one time a 3-bedroom appartment 6 minutes walking distance to where I was working. Everybody was surprised for my purchasing this property because they all had their own appartments to live comfortably and this appartment was not very necessary. Myself lived with my ex bf in a property that his parents owned and they would give it to us. The appartment was decorated according to what my dad and my mom liked mainly. Each work-day, I walked to my appartment and spent time with my parents, very convenient. It is Heaven to reward my sincere heart to my parents that this appartment was very cheap when I bought it since the real estate was not so hot at that time in that area but it has been appreciated all the time except recent period of time. Merely measured by this appartment, I am never a poor woman according to Common Chinese standard. Isn't that my parents have been blessing me all my life? Especially comparing to that later I lost much money in stock market, this property purchase was really a blessed decision.

 

If my lover doesn't love my family, I will harden my heart and change him. There are so many people in the world, I can definitely find a person who has the same value towards life as mine, including I love his family and he loves mine. Only when he loves my family, he willl become my priority and the most significant man in the world to me. Otherwise, he is nothing to me.

 

I am always generous to spend money on my family. My beloved ones' happiness is my happiness. They are same generous to me too.

[amberjack1234]

Around Mid-Autumn day which is a family reunion day, this topic makes me think of much.

 

To me, my parents are where my spirit goes. I will never give up my parents. I could give all I have to help them and save them if they are in serious situation, eg. very ill.

 

I protect my family to any length. I could give up anything just to make my parents' life fulfilled. Of course, they have told me many times that, only if they know I am living in my dreamed life, their life is fulfilled. It is mutually unconditionally devoted between two generations and the truly deep affection can not be bought by money. There is a tradition that some family members are so close and considerate to each other that often they only choose good news to share so as to make every family member happy and they try not to tell bad news so that family members will not worry.

 

All through my life I could never pay off what my parents have devoted to me. When I recall so many details during my grow-up, I could not be more grateful. Every child could have rebelious part in him/her. I was not exceptional though in a general I was an obedient child. My parents were very strict with me for the family education when I was young. One of the many things they did to me was that they forced me to recite poems from Tang and Song Dynasties which annoyed me very much. But, I could write very long whenever I want, as is the bounty given by my parents which I didn't realize before I grow up. I was taught to be courteous which helped me gain a very warm, smooth and nice outside growing environment that all the seniors liked me, favored me and tried to help me. Up to now, when I saw those seniors, I could still clearly address them as when I was young, and the so humanly close feelings are so precious to my life.

 

After I graduated from college and worked for 4.5 years, I decided to buy a brand new appartment so that I could see my parents more frequently and conveniently. I paid off at one time a 3-bedroom appartment 6 minutes walking distance to where I was working. Everybody was surprised for my purchasing this property because they all had their own appartments to live comfortably and this appartment was not very necessary. Myself lived with my ex bf in a property that his parents owned and they would give it to us. The appartment was decorated according to what my dad and my mom liked mainly. Each work-day, I walked to my appartment and spent time with my parents, very convenient. It is Heaven to reward my sincere heart to my parents that this appartment was very cheap when I bought it since the real estate was not so hot at that time in that area but it has been appreciated all the time except recent period of time. Merely measured by this appartment, I am never a poor woman according to Common Chinese standard. Isn't that my parents have been blessing me all my life? Especially comparing to that later I lost much money in stock market, this property purchase was really a blessed decision.

 

If my lover doesn't love my family, I will harden my heart and change him. There are so many people in the world, I can definitely find a person who has the same value towards life as mine, including I love his family and he loves mine. Only when he loves my family, he willl become my priority and the most significant man in the world to me. Otherwise, he is nothing to me.

 

I am always generous to spend money on my family. My beloved ones' happiness is my happiness. They are same generous to me too.

Very admirable and very well written Fineart. Thank you for your time.

 

Larry

[chengdu4me]

It is an interesting contrast. FineArt speaks of the virtues and the blessings in sharing with the family and being able to help.

 

The writer of the article in the OP speaks of the hardships and frustration and fear of exactly the same thing.

 

Wanting to help family is an admirable quality. Too often, and sometimes unknown to the generous child/helper, there are others in the family that feel it is OK to take advantage of that generosity. Take the writers situation...giving and not knowing how such generosity will affect their future because they do not know if they will be repaided. Now the writer is in fear of their own future security.

 

FineArt does not mentions siblings. Do you have brothers and /or sisters? Does this generosity extend to them as it does to your parents?

 

It is a stark contrast between American and Chinese culture that this extension of generosity does not apply in such pronounced terms. In America, parents want their children to be successful and happy, and in many cases, that means that they forget the burdens of their family and go out and seek their own fortune. The children that are able sometimes help out their parents, but many do not.

[Stepbrow]

Everyone has lessons to learn in life. Fortunately for Fine Art, she came from a loving home with good parents. However, the unfortunate young woman in the article did not have the same good fortune.

 

She came from a dysfunctional family. Her domineering mother cared little for her feelings and needs. She thought only of exerting her power, through guilt, to dominate the daughter. Yes, the parents helped her through college, but she succeeded because of her efforts. Why should she be obligated to help the lazy brother to buy an apartment. Better to offer to send him to college. Don't give him a fish, teach him to fish. The lazy leach didn't deserve any help at all. The mother should have been kicking him in the @ss so that he could make something of himself.

 

I hope that the young woman can find the strength to stand up to the ill treatment she has received from her dysfunctional family. I hope that she will gain the insight and understanding to realize that her family is a bunch of selfish manipulators. She will never be happy as long as she allows them to guilt trip her into their schemes.

[fineart]

Sure, I do have an older sister. She is extremely beautiful. Her skin is as smooth as silk. Everywhere of her just looks perfectly beautiful. She was the first child born in the family, so she was extremely loved and cherished by my grandparents. She was raised by my grandparents and sent back to my parents' side during school age. But she had been looking at herself in the mirror crying since she missed grandparents too much. There was hardly a day, she didnt cry. Meanwhile, my grandma cried a lot knowing my sister was so sad too. It was just so heart-broken apartness for my grandparents and my sister so my sister was sent back to my grandparents' side again. My sister does love my parents, but she also loves grandparents. She has been around grandparents' side most of the time. I was the one molded by my parents mainly. But my sister does fulfill my parents' life in one way that they want to show love and care to their own older generations too, and their older generations want nothing but having my sister at their side and their wish is fulfilled. My grandparents could not live on without seeing my sister, which I am not exaggerating a little bit.

 

Though our family only have girls, my parents never admire other families for they have sons. However, my parents have been admired by other parents. Many times, there were ladies telling my mom that, they didn't admire any other things of my parents, but they admired very much of my parents' having great daughters. The only thing I ever made my parents disappointed was that, they didn't allow me to sleep with any male before I got married, but I did it anyway. My ex bf had been asking sex with me many times but I always said, "No. I can not do this". His young buddies had been helping him plotting about how to get me to bed(Later he told me they helped each other analyzing each other's gf and by what way they could got their gf body and soul completely) and he eventually succeeded. That day, he was too tender, romantic, yet domineering...there was no way I could escape from the beforehand-prepared environment and I finally lost my last defence...I dared not tell my parents for a long time. However, later when my parents knew about this and my ex bf made them know clearly it was me who refused to get married, my parents acquiesced our cohabitation.

 

I do love money. But I take money as a servant to serve me, not make it my GOD. With money, we can buy our beloved ones qualitied things, help others, fulfill some of our own desires. In my China family, money never becomes an issue. Every family member wants to devote to others. We value each other more than we value money indeed.