Do I keep quiet or do I spill the beans?

[IllinoisDave]

Wow Dennis, you really are caught between a rock and a hard place. I feel for you.

 

How well do you know Al? Do you chat often? Enough to casually bring up a "hypothetical" friend of a friend who happens to be in the same situation?

 

You could lay out the story gradually and judge his reaction to each part. Emphasize the bits about how common it is for "translators" to do the bidding for women who are too shy or not confident enough in their communication skills to speak directly to the guy. Emphasize how culturally acceptable this is in China and that your hypothetical friend of a friend will be happy either way. Emphasize how the Chinese don't really consider it to be deceptive since all things will be better in the end. And by all means emphasize what a hottie the "other girl" is.

 

Seriously though, you're well enough versed in Chinese culture to lay it all out in such a way as to make it look attractive if he's at all up for it. You'll just have to judge his reaction and comments as you tell him the story. If he seems like someone who wouldn't be too upset by this scenario, consider going with the "Al Doe...this is your life!" moment. If he reacts negatively to the whole thing, you're kinda back to square one I guess.

 

Just an idea. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Edited January 17, 2009 by IllinoisDave (see edit history)

[SheLikesME?]

Wow Dennis, you really are caught between a rock and a hard place. I feel for you.

Well to change the subject a little...and discuss poor ol Dennis' delima...although I think he can handle it all just fine, no biggie here for him.

 

You remember Trigg and the Christmas present, do or don't? Now think about poor ol Adam. Eve is about to get kicked out. They didn't have any kids at this point, after all they were innocent running around naked and didn't know it. So now Adam will lose his woman. So what does he do, disobey God or follow his wife?

 

Why do they drag us through hell to give us a little bit of heaven?

 

Why do we have the strong urge to take care of them regardless?

 

Women will ALWAYS put a man in an impossible situation one time or another. (and no I am not thinking about anything about my own situation )

 

Poor things. Poor Dennis.

[The Jeff]

I just read the first page of this post and all I can say is that the situation is majorly F'd UP! You have to tell that guy that the girl he is going to see is already married. WTF!

[mao mao so]

Everybody needn't worry! Maybe you have worried too much. It just one of the things, can you tell everyone about the things is true or not? Let AL go to China. Maybe there is a surprise happen for him. I think even though no surprise lady waiting but have a big country make him surprise. If you tell him the truth, maybe he don't want to go China any more. It is not good to him. Maybe he will cost more money to go to China, but he can go to visit many good places. It is worth! If Jie is a good lady match him, he will be a lucky man! If no, he still is a lucky man too. Because he will be in a pretty and big country. He can see many good things and learn many people and see if they are good or bad for himself. Don't take away his chance!

 

Jeff's Jie

[hakkamike]

My wife¡¯s 22yo niece, Jin, in Nanning, has been corresponding with two American men (Al and Kurt) through the help of her mother, my wife¡¯s sister, Yue.

 

Yue is the one who corresponds with these men, (through a translator service) not only for her daughter but for many Nanning women by pretending to be the woman whom these men think they are writing to, (sometimes using the woman¡¯s words, sometimes her own). Got it?

 

OK, Kurt visited Jin last year. Jin and Kurt fell in love and got married and their immigration application is in process today.

 

The other man, Al, doesn¡¯t know that Jin is married and he recently wrote to me saying that his flight to Nanning is all set for March 1st. Al¡¯s very excited about finally meeting Jin B) and wanted to know if I had any tips or information that I could give him about his visit and/or about China, as this is his first trip ever outside the US and, of course, he¡¯s a bit scared.

 

I tell my wife about the email from Al and ask her what the heck is going on? She tells me not to worry and not to say anything to Al. They (her sister and Jin) plan to introduce Al to Jin¡¯s cousin, Jie. Leiqin tells me that Jie is very beautiful and will make Al a much better wife than Jin, as Jie is more traditional and mature in taking care of the home. Jie (not Jin) will be meeting Al at the airport.

 

Anyway, Leiqin (my wife) says that they¡¯re not about to throw this catch back (my words) when there are so many women very eager to marry him. And, all¡¯s fair in love and war, and especially love (my interpretation).

 

Still, I don¡¯t like the dishonesty. It¡¯s not fair to Al or any man to be deceived like this. Yet, I can¡¯t seem to get that point through to my wife and her sister. The bigger picture is the end result of the common good (for both Al and Jie) is what¡¯s important, more important than any deception.

 

Personally, I believe my wife, and I think that Al will be getting the better of this deal even though he probably won¡¯t agree, initially. If my wife says that Jie is more beautiful and would make a better wife then I believe her (for whatever that¡¯s worth B) ). If it were me, knowing what I know now, I¡¯d be one excited man.

 

Yet, I wonder how this will go down with Al. Maybe, he¡¯ll be disappointed that he was set-up after getting his heart set on Jin. I suppose it will boil down to whether there¡¯s an attraction between he and Jie. If there isn¡¯t an attraction, he¡¯s probably going to be upset for being duped.

 

So, what should I do? One thought was to wait and spill the beans a day before his flight. Another is to just stay quiet and let the chips fall¡­

 

This still puts me in a delicate dilemma¡­my loyalty to my wife and her family vs. being honest and trying to explain all I know to Al.

 

How say you all?

I might as well as put my two cents in, like it really matters. I pretty much think that your sister inlaw is about as low as they come in the match making game, spill the beans or not Dennis I have no respect for her at all and those involved no matter what country they are from. Go ahead and justity the not telling him lol lol, she is better looking and this and that BS, what he hell does that have to do with it anyway.. Ok, the one You were gone to meat is married but now I have one that is not married and is better looking lol lol, sounds like a sick game to me on all parties involved.

[sweattrl1]

sounds to me that al may be coming out of this as a winner,i think the trip will give him a a new outlook on the world, i say let the man go meet jie ,but do give him a lot of positive views and encouragement, seems to me things is in his favor,but this is CFL views are like A------S,

everybody have one,

[griz326]

My first discussion would be with my wife. I would let her know that she put me in a situation that damages my integrity. I would suggest she instruct the conspirators to come clean with the patsy by xx/xx/xx date or that I would have discussion with the patsy to set the record straight.

 

The collateral damage could be trust within my own marriage. Fortunately, I don't believe in magical love ... at least not at my age. Love develops over time because it is dependent on trust.

 

My gal was talking to at least two other guys even after our engagement. I do not know if they came to visit her and don't care. I know she decided to pick me. All I can do is to make our relationship as warm and caring as I can in the hopes that a dozen years from now both of us look back and can say with authority that we fell in love.

[Jeikun]

I feel bad for Al, and I don't agree with the deception. But I also see the side that you don't want to cause a big turbulence in your family situation either.

 

If it sits wrong with you, I would say you should say you will not be a party to it anymore, and to leave you out of it. After all it's your wife's sister, so it's not like you can control her actions. Just say you won't be a part of it in the future.

 

As for Al, it sucks but he's collateral damage. Play stupid and hope it works out for him.

 

It's funny how some suggest it's Chinese culture, but every Chinese woman who posted here was very against it. Just goes further to show Chinese culture isn't as homogeneous as many like to think. Also remember the guy who is caught up in it isn't Chinese, so Chinese culture or not, his feelings are just as important.

[rogerluli]

 

It's funny how some suggest it's Chinese culture, but every Chinese woman who posted here was very against it. Just goes further to show Chinese culture isn't as homogeneous as many like to think.

 

The size of our sample of Chinese womne who posted is so small that it doesn't mean anything IMHO... I know for sure my wife would think it was just fine... B)

[hankster]

 

The size of our sample of Chinese womne who posted is so small that it doesn't mean anything IMHO... I know for sure my wife would think it was just fine...

 

So does mine..........I just asked her.

[ameriken]

So, let me see.....

 

Al's been talking to one person who is 'pretending' to be another, and the one she is pretending to be is already now married, and he is spending thousands of dollars to fly to China to meet a girl he never talked to who he doesn't know is already married, only to find out after a 12 hour flight in an airport terminal that it was all a big lie, but here is her more beautiful cousin, and they will all live happily ever after, because that is what everyone (except him) decided?

 

Sounds to me like dishonesty and deception is a perfect foundation for a honest and loving relationship. And the proof that this will work out perfectly is in the 'problems and partings' forums. I'm sure there's not one guy who had his heart ripped out or who ended up in nasty, dirty, brokenhearted divorce or situation where an American guy was scammed, defrauded, and deceived. Not one. In fact, lies are the foundation of any great relationship. Besides, everyone else but Al decided that this is ok and will work out perfectly because they think Jie is more beautiful than Jin, so it really doesn't matter how Al feels about it.

 

Makes perfect sense to me.

 

 

Dennis, you already know in your heart what is the right thing to do and what you should or shouldnt do, I know in the past you have talked about your involvement with your church, and if you have those beliefs, I am sure you've probably consider how those beliefs affect your decision.

 

Whatever happens in the future, and no matter what happens to Al, be it a long wonderful relationship, or a serious emotional blow, I hope you will one day be able to look back at this decision and have peace in your heart that you did the right thing.... and I mean that sincerely.

Edited January 18, 2009 by ameriken (see edit history)

[Dennis143]

So, let me see.....

 

Al's been talking to one person who is 'pretending' to be another, and the one she is pretending to be is already now married, and he is spending thousands of dollars to fly to China to meet a girl he never talked to who he doesn't know is already married, only to find out after a 12 hour flight in an airport terminal that it was all a big lie, but here is her more beautiful cousin, and they will all live happily ever after, because that is what everyone (except him) decided?

 

Sounds to me like dishonesty and deception is a perfect foundation for a honest and loving relationship. And the proof that this will work out perfectly is in the 'problems and partings' forums. I'm sure there's not one guy who had his heart ripped out or who ended up in nasty, dirty, brokenhearted divorce or situation where an American guy was scammed, defrauded, and deceived. Not one. In fact, lies are the foundation of any great relationship. Besides, everyone else but Al decided that this is ok and will work out perfectly because they think Jie is more beautiful than Jin, so it really doesn't matter how Al feels about it.

 

Makes perfect sense to me.

 

 

Dennis, you already know in your heart what is the right thing to do and what you should or shouldnt do, I know in the past you have talked about your involvement with your church, and if you have those beliefs, I am sure you've probably consider how those beliefs affect your decision.

 

Whatever happens in the future, and no matter what happens to Al, be it a long wonderful relationship, or a serious emotional blow, I hope you will one day be able to look back at this decision and have peace in your heart that you did the right thing.... and I mean that sincerely.

Wow, this keeps enticing more old timers out from the woodwork to post... ...and Ken even resorts to using Christian guilt in his plee.

 

Someone want to draft me a letter that gently explains all to Al and will let him down easy? I haven't a clue how to tell him in any way that isn't subtle.

[ameriken]

Wow, this keeps enticing more old timers out from the woodwork to post... ...and Ken even resorts to using Christian guilt in his plee.

 

Someone want to draft me a letter that gently explains all to Al and will let him down easy? I haven't a clue how to tell him in any way that isn't subtle.

I can't make you feel guilty or not guilty about it, thats your choice. I always thought more highly of you, and my guess is you already have thought about it from a spiritual standpoint anyway.

Edited January 18, 2009 by ameriken (see edit history)

[ameriken]

 

come on Dennis she has never even spoke to or seen him or visa versa do them both a favor.

Rob, Jin (not your Jin) doesn't speak any English either. Al doesn't seem to think that is an issue. Little does he know, but that's another subject.

Dennis, I like your idea that Jie/Jin should tell him. This is really their responsibility. However if that fails and it ends up being in your lap, the issue of English may be a good way to approach the subject. Afterall, the fact is that he has not even been talking to her directly, he's been talking to a totally different woman who has been 'pretending' to be his girl. You can explain that this is very common and caused much confusion in relationships. With some examples of other folks, you can slowly let on what has been going on with him. At least maybe he won't feel as bad knowing this is not just something that happened only to him, but that it it happens more than not in China.

[SheLikesME?]

And I was going to send you a PM to see if your still breathing. Good to see you back.

 

 

 

 

Now on to the subject:

Edited January 19, 2009 by SheLikesME? (see edit history)