BIG problems with Little Chinese Wife

[Drew]

I just sent her my final text message.

 

I leave EVERYTHING to YOU. I will do NOTHING more and say nothing until you tell me what?? Can only say I Love You!!

 

I will write her a letter as my father suggested and list the things I have done to date.

 

Perhaps my text message sucks... but with little words to work with, the numerous other text messages sent to date.... I think this is enough.

 

I have made not threats. Just told her I will not bother her anymore.

 

Just need to work on my letter now, have it translated, and send to her via mail.

 

Perhaps my friend will talk with her and perhaps she will not answer?? Do not know......

 

I agree though.... I will not be a banker... it is what it is... I have done my part... provided her with what is sufficient... and if it's not god enough, what more can I do??

 

Thank you for the all the feedback.

[IllinoisDave]

I just sent her my final text message.

 

I leave EVERYTHING to YOU. I will do NOTHING more and say nothing until you tell me what?? Can only say I Love You!!

 

I will write her a letter as my father suggested and list the things I have done to date.

 

Perhaps my text message sucks... but with little words to work with, the numerous other text messages sent to date.... I think this is enough.

 

I have made not threats. Just told her I will not bother her anymore.

 

Just need to work on my letter now, have it translated, and send to her via mail.

 

Perhaps my friend will talk with her and perhaps she will not answer?? Do not know......

 

I agree though.... I will not be a banker... it is what it is... I have done my part... provided her with what is sufficient... and if it's not god enough, what more can I do??

 

Thank you for the all the feedback.

 

Good luck.

[chilton747]

I just sent her my final text message.

 

I leave EVERYTHING to YOU. I will do NOTHING more and say nothing until you tell me what?? Can only say I Love You!!

 

I will write her a letter as my father suggested and list the things I have done to date.

 

Perhaps my text message sucks... but with little words to work with, the numerous other text messages sent to date.... I think this is enough.

 

I have made not threats. Just told her I will not bother her anymore.

 

Just need to work on my letter now, have it translated, and send to her via mail.

 

Perhaps my friend will talk with her and perhaps she will not answer?? Do not know......

 

I agree though.... I will not be a banker... it is what it is... I have done my part... provided her with what is sufficient... and if it's not god enough, what more can I do??

 

Thank you for the all the feedback.

Sometimes the meaning of "I Love You" is not the same as others take it, especially one of another culture. Good luck Drew.

[Jay & Ping]

I just sent her my final text message.

 

I leave EVERYTHING to YOU. I will do NOTHING more and say nothing until you tell me what?? Can only say I Love You!!

 

I will write her a letter as my father suggested and list the things I have done to date.

 

Perhaps my text message sucks... but with little words to work with, the numerous other text messages sent to date.... I think this is enough.

 

I have made not threats. Just told her I will not bother her anymore.

 

Just need to work on my letter now, have it translated, and send to her via mail.

 

Perhaps my friend will talk with her and perhaps she will not answer?? Do not know......

 

I agree though.... I will not be a banker... it is what it is... I have done my part... provided her with what is sufficient... and if it's not god enough, what more can I do??

 

Thank you for the all the feedback.

Hold strong and good luck.

[Cathy]

I see your issue resulting from the generation difference. It can be worked out depending on whether you are committed to this marriage and how much effort you want to put into it.

 

Thinking about her generation. She is 24 and has no job living with her mother. This generation mostly is spoiled and takes things for granted. It is a generation centered by parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Even kids from some difficulty families learn to be self-centered because other kids around them living like that, so they think that is how life is supposed to be. At the age of 24, she should have finished her college education and find a job and work. If a person doesnt work and make money to take care of herself, she would just dream about her life and would not appreciate anything provided for her because she doesnt know how much effort needed to be put in to bring the money home.

 

There is a Chinese saying "ren bi ren qi si ren", which means you could pass out if you compare yourself to others. Your wife needs to know she is living in her life and her friend is having hers too. They two are having their own husband and of course life should be different. Let her know what you post here about the life difference between the two families.

 

About the $200 is enough or not. You lived in China before. And from your planning of your finance and the future life, I should congratulate you that you learned well from your ex Chinese wife. With your income and work capability and wisdom in finance, your wife should reach her dream when she comes to the States. But you need let her know that she needs listen to you because she has no idea of the American life and what needs to be taken care of here. With current currency exchange rate, I would say $200 can cover monthly basic needs. From your description, she doesnt or doesnt know to bargain (which is unusual for a working class girl). She might be tight in getting some clothes. You know, girl's wardrobe is never enough.

 

I always think sending money is not so necessary when apart (we went with the K1) because the USC needs money to prepare things on this end. I talked with my hubby once about this issue. He said that was because not everyone could have a comfortable life and did not need go to an English class. The USC wanted their fiancee or wife living better. So I guess the amount of money would be decided on what kind of life you want her to have over there. 200 for a basic one and 350 for a comfortable one. China is like America, the life style depends on the income. You also could communicate her that since you two are married now, she need think more of 'we', not 'I'. Every Yuan she saves over there would benefit her life here because you are saving to make it better for her. And now you need her to get involved and her effort.

 

Even now she doesnt talk on the phone, keep trying reaching out to her. Keep emailing her or sending messages. She can read and she will read. Then she will think. Give her some time and space to think and figure things out. She is not playing a game. She just doesnt understand the life, the hardship, and how to reach the dream. You need work for the dream. The dream will not just simply falls on your head. She marries you. She is not playing. As for the future, if you are committed into this marriage, you need to be patient and help her grow. She is too young to know what life is about.

 

As to the wedding photo shooting, you should not be upset. That is a common trick the studio plays everywhere, esp. the good ones. When you go there to make an appointment and pick out the program. you think you understand all the details. When you see the pictures and talk about what to put into the album, the problem surfaces. Some studio doesnt give you the negatives, which you always want to own them yourself and think you would need them when making more printouts. Here comes the price for the negatives. When you want to put more pictures in the album, here comes extra cost. When you want to use a better print paper for your big picture, here comes extra cost. There are many ways to take money out of your pocket. Usually when you see the beautiful pictures, you forget about the cost issue. I guess she paid for the 400 basic program price and you paid the 800 for the extra part. Shooting the wedding pictures is a very important part for a Chinese girl. She will show the album to any one who asks about her husband. It is just like having the wedding ceremony is for the bride in the States. How many groom are happy about the process? They just understand that is done for the bride because it is her big day.

 

Hope this helps.

[Joanne]

 

Though, age 24, she has a $25,000 Hyundai Coupe and seemed to think nothing of money.

 

But they live in what I call a dive. Here in the U.S., her living conditions are the equivalent of "slumming" here.

 

/

 

I don't quite understand. She does not work, live with her family unding a poor living condition, yet she has a car to drive around? Something is missing.

[ameriken]

 

Though, age 24, she has a $25,000 Hyundai Coupe and seemed to think nothing of money.

 

But they live in what I call a dive. Here in the U.S., her living conditions are the equivalent of "slumming" here.

 

/

 

I don't quite understand. She does not work, live with her family unding a poor living condition, yet she has a car to drive around? Something is missing.

Yeah...about $800/month B)

[hongrose1230]

just wondering 24 years old in China,lives with family without any job?? come on, most young people work, HeNan near ZhenZhou I think 200$ is very much enough, she does not pay any rent, food and nothing, because she lives with parents, the money you send to her, almost same like amount month salary for new graduate in China in her areas

 

 

I think she just loves money not you and not relationships, she has so much expectation on you for sending money

 

why she just stay in home not working???????????????? B)

 

oh by the way, how you guys meet???

[Guest Tony n Terrific]

She is 24 and wants you to give, give and give? Where is your return on your emotional and financial investment? ROI.

A loving realtionship consists of trust, caring and sharing by both parties. No trust no relationship. All over the world they have honered and named streets after people who are just users and takers they are called One Way.

[bokiwen]

Hopefully the final text message will provide some response..

 

I still don't understand why the ATM card does not work. Been over there in multiple cities and my ATM worked 99% of the machines. Machines are usually in Chinese or English, and accept international (4-digit pincodes) or domestic (6-digit pincodes)....

 

As for the $200, it looks like you made the decision that this is what you can afford. If it was explained to her that this is what you can afford, and this was not acceptable to her, then I would question it.

 

I want to know how she affords the lifestyle she has now. My wife and her family (her mother and father) all work, and they don't own a car.. It sounds to me like she is certainly a little spoiled, and while you cannot teach this lesson overnight, you are making your wife decide what to do. I think after long reflection only Drew knows what's right for Drew, and I hope you have the best of luck with her response.

[Shenzhen K-1]

just wondering 24 years old in China,lives with family without any job?? come on, most young people work, HeNan near ZhenZhou I think 200$ is very much enough, she does not pay any rent, food and nothing, because she lives with parents, the money you send to her, almost same like amount month salary for new graduate in China in her areas

 

 

I think she just loves money not you and not relationships, she has so much expectation on you for sending money

 

why she just stay in home not working???????????????? B)

 

oh by the way, how you guys meet???

 

Great question about how they met and so on??

 

$200 in that area is rent and food for 1/2 a month or better??

[SheLikesME?]

TAX

 

Yes Drew you are married and you claim her as your wife like any other wife starting in the year you married her, and you can calim her for the whole year. You must file the form (W7) with your regular tax return which will assign her a tax ID number.

http://www.irs.gov/formspubs/lists/0,,id=97817,00.html

W7

It does not matter if you divorce or have intention to divorce. Claim her every year you are married and get the dough.

 

I waited and filed 1040X to amend my 2005 and 2006 after wife got here and got her SS#. Heck if I know whay I waited.

 

Sorry for your trouble. I know of at least one other who married a young lady who had some high expectations and seemed to have a nightmare relationship, but he worked it out it seems so far. You MIGHT be able to work this through but it will take a lot of patience and firmness I guess. I wish you the best what ever you decide. I have found that their perception of things and life experience does not always prepare them for America. They may not comprehend your words as well as you would expect. David Z and AMafan seem to have a pretty good handle on this, but you have to decide, of course, what you can live with and tolerate. I find my wife likes it when I sit my foot down. It puts her in a decision making mode for herself. Of course when I decide something it may cause her to decide what I don't like. What a dance.

 

I am not saying I disagree with the others here. They have excellent observations and comments from your posts. Just wanted to throw out some other ideas. Sounds like your Dad is a good help to you as well.

 

Oh and yes, change your habbit on women. I had to.

Edited January 28, 2008 by SheLikesME? (see edit history)

[Mick]

If there is no misunderstanding from your side, you better run.

 

I know this is hard. You need some one who not only share your success but also can go through life's obstacles with you! Good luck!

I agree Joanne. Very well said.

[A Mafan]

So did you discuss before you married how you would share finances after the wedding?

Or was the marriage not real to you before you live together?

 

Because by tradition and law, she has some claim to your income after you marry, unless you have some other pre-existing agreement.

 

IF you love her enough to classify this as a miscommunication, and classify her breaking off comms as a cultural clash regarding inappropriate negotiation techniques, you have a much better chance of getting through the tough times and back to happiness and trust.

 

Attitude and empathy is key.

 

Then again, if she IS just concerned about the cash, you clearly made a mistake.

Your dilemma: it will be more costly in emotional pain if you give up too early, to both you and her; but it will be more costly in actual cash dollars if you give up too late.

 

Let me make one point:

If this IS just a misunderstanding, and you dump her over it, you betray her love and trust, devastate her, and leave her as significantly damaged goods for any future marriage in China.

 

So step carefully.

[MikeandRong]

This is Drews second. The first was 22 and turned down the visa after getting the 601 waiver approved in 12/2006. Now he married another who is 24 just 8 months later.

 

Nothing wrong with young, but if you don't really know them, expect some drama.