Expectations list

[griz326]

After ice fishing yesterday, my friend an I had toddy and a chat. He suggested that my gal & I make lists of what we expect from each other. It sounds like a smart thing to do, if only to highlight our misunderstanding of each other's cultural beliefs.

 

Your thoughts?

[Shenzhen K-1]

After ice fishing yesterday, my friend an I had toddy and a chat. He suggested that my gal & I make lists of what we expect from each other. It sounds like a smart thing to do, if only to highlight our misunderstanding of each other's cultural beliefs.

 

Your thoughts?

 

Griz it is a good thought for sure. Feng and I have not made formal lists, but have done something close to that!

 

1. Where to get married, church or court house?

2. Dress at wedding, red or white?

3. Where will daughter go to high school and what about university?

4. Children issues!

5. ESL school, for both Mom and daughter.

6. US transportation, or lack there of and her driving.

7. Daily life here vs there?

8. My job and her future one?

9. Money, never a dull subject. Still not understand cost of things here until here!

10. Home and where we will live later on, she wants to feel warmth not cold!

 

I have wrote to her about all of my sons activities, work, home, and what a "normal" week is like to try and give her a sense of my life.

 

The funniest reply I ever got was about me finishing the basement. She asked me why no build a second story with price of land?

I teach automechanics for a living, no claw hammers!!

[jim_julian]

Steve ... writing a list is a good idea as long as it doesn't lead to the conclusion that each person has the same understanding of the meaning conveyed by the words. Sometimes having it in black and white can lead you down that path.

 

You'll still have to work very hard to make sure you understand each other.

[warpedbored]

Hmmm, here's my list

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[SinoTexas]

flexible and adaptable

 

As aye,

 

Jim

[MikeandRong]

Steve ... writing a list is a good idea as long as it doesn't lead to the conclusion that each person has the same understanding of the meaning conveyed by the words. Sometimes having it in black and white can lead you down that path.

 

You'll still have to work very hard to make sure you understand each other.

 

Agreed!

 

2 years from now the list will have changed as both of your understanding on each others language increases.

 

Keep an open mind down the road.

[Cerberus]

After ice fishing yesterday, my friend an I had toddy and a chat. He suggested that my gal & I make lists of what we expect from each other. It sounds like a smart thing to do, if only to highlight our misunderstanding of each other's cultural beliefs.

 

Your thoughts?

Griz,

 

Good luck! I agree with Carl (warpedbored). My list from Yin is endless and dynamic. I always finding amended portions.

 

To make an analogy of compiling a list; what is the life span of a rat?

 

IMHO, talking is the very best, using free association. A list to me, is only a guide, to keep a conversation on a logical track.

 

Dave

[warpedbored]

You bring up a good point. Preconcieved notions about life in America. Let's up the ante a bit. What about other American's preconcieved notions about your wife? Feel free to expand on these.

 

Life in America

 

Everyone is rich

It's easy to make a lot of money here.

Everyone has a gun

Crime is out of control

 

 

 

 

Notions about your wife

 

Chinese women are docile and obedient

Asians are all the same culture

She was desparate to leave the oppression of a comunist country

She married you just to get a green card.

[Aussie in love]

Jane writes me a list of jobs to do every day.

 

My only advise is to never cross them off as you do them, as she will know where your up to.

[griz326]

Thanks guys...

 

We are working on a list of discussion topics rather than expectations. I am hoping the discussion will reveal the expectations.

 

The idea about expectations of the US is a great idea. My grandmother came here thinking the streets were paved with gold - literally. ...and she was an English speaker (Irish speaker really )

 

And unlike most of you, I have the additional concern of her reaction to living in a remote part of the country that is far too populated for me...but probably deserted with her frame of reference. (3675 sq mile/20k people in the county, about 6k in my community when the summer residents return)

[lostinblue]

Have her get in touch with a few wives on candle that are living in the US. They will fill her in on things she will need to know.

[Shenzhen K-1]

Thanks guys...

 

We are working on a list of discussion topics rather than expectations. I am hoping the discussion will reveal the expectations.

 

The idea about expectations of the US is a great idea. My grandmother came here thinking the streets were paved with gold - literally. ...and she was an English speaker (Irish speaker really )

 

And unlike most of you, I have the additional concern of her reaction to living in a remote part of the country that is far too populated for me...but probably deserted with her frame of reference. (3675 sq mile/20k people in the county, about 6k in my community when the summer residents return)

 

That is some of the things I think of myself Griz. My town is 15k with DeKalb next door at 25k or so. Then Chicago is about 45-50 minutes away, a big change for my feng will be the lack of public transportation!

[SheLikesME?]

Hmmm, some well said things here. I guess it comes down to the preperation.

 

If I had to do all over?

 

1st I would put IN WRITING exactly what I owe. This can just be total debt, with a break down, as needed,--- along with savings, retirement, SS, and income (maybe net). We had 3 major discussions on money before I met my wife in person. With my wifes good english and her repeating to me what I said before we met, HA HA... Like Don said, they have no frame of refernce for America. Wife equated $100K with $20K, not believeing 100K in mortgage was possible at my age even with 2 divorces behind me. OK we are over that now, but you have no idea the trauma this caused her after my 2nd visit to China and on return I realized she never got it. Some things you then feel you need to keep to yourself, but... they will find out sooner or later so...

 

2nd I would make friends with other Chinese somewhere before she arrives so she has to get to know them, if like my wife and is stuborn, or move where they are. I realize the OP may not be able to do this. There will probably be a time when homesickness sets in. Looks like it will pass for my wife, but... And maybe these other Chinese in america can help the new arrival with the rough spots, what ever they may be.

 

If not for something truly deep and special between us, we just would not have made it. I'm not out of the woods yet, but finally she has noticed other Americans using too much toilet paper, as an example. Hey with her thinking money trouble, toilet paper use is important. Hope you catch my drift. PS: as in she finally sees that I am not the only one doing things the way I do them, but I am trying my best to compromise with her, so she is trying to change some of her thinking.

 

Just love her and work your rearend off and have a bottomless depth of patience in any situation on arrival.

Edited January 7, 2008 by SheLikesME? (see edit history)