Dowry money

[tonado]

I don't treat it as dowry or money to buying the bride. It is gift money for the parents. The parents do exchange gifts back to the groom. In most cases, the parents will give back the money back to the daughter. It is more customary in Guangdong and Fujian provinces. Talk to your fiancee to see if the gift is necessary to save face. Just do it if the price is not outrageous.

[DMikeS4321]

I had no clue and let Bini handle everything. I was asked for 10,000 rmb and received it back the day after the wedding (probably the very same bills I gave Ma and Ba).

 

Bini's family is from the countryside and they are Hakka, so I just go with the flow. The chance of me ever truly understanding their culture is pretty remote; just too much to learn and I trust in the native goodness of these people. I would do anything for them anyway.

[chilton747]

I had no clue and let Bini handle everything. I was asked for 10,000 rmb and received it back the day after the wedding (probably the very same bills I gave Ma and Ba).

 

Bini's family is from the countryside and they are Hakka, so I just go with the flow. The chance of me ever truly understanding their culture is pretty remote; just too much to learn and I trust in the native goodness of these people. I would do anything for them anyway.

And there you have it!

[yaya44]

Lance has the right of it. It is mostly a rural vs urban thing. There is also the fact that there are 56 officially recognized ethnic groups in China. All with their own language and customs. Your sweet heart will tell you what is expected. Don't be shocked if it is a large amount. Often you will get all of it back if not more in wedding gifts.

 

 

This is somewhat misleading. I did not even come close to recuperating neither the dower, nor the wedding costs associated with it when I had our ceremonial wedding in China.

[Zachary And Lychee]

It depends on the local culture in China again yaya. In Fujianese culture at the wedding... all the close friends and relatives give you solid gold necklaces and bracelets.

 

http://www.kaidllc.com/chineseinput/wedding2_smaller.jpg

 

Usually after the wedding most of these are sold off for cash except their favorite select pieces (I can only imagine prying it all away from the lady - joke haha). This, plus all the red envelops from the guests help repay for the wedding/dowry.

[SirLancelot]

My dilemma is not that I have a problem with this custom, it is that I just do not have $30,000 liquid. I respect my fiancee's family very much. They did a wonderful job raising a wonderful girl into a woman. However, I cannot afford to give them $30,000 dollars even if I am 99% sure to get it back. I was asking about the amounts because I wanted to know if it was seen as insulting if I gave them a token amount.

 

$30,000USD? Am I reading this correctly? Not 30,000RMB?

 

That's an outrageous number. That's about 225,000RMB. This is not normal. The ONLY exception when it would be normal is if the parents are really asking that you purchase a house in China for either your SO or themselves. The house purchase is not that unusual, but to ask for a bride price of 225,000RMB is very unusual. I'm not saying completely unheard of, but quite unusual. I can see 30,000RMB, but not $30,000USD.

 

 

SinoJim said:

This all seems a little one sided here with the money issue. If we really are into the customs here, why doesn't the groom get a dowry as Lance outlined? It seems no one here pushes that side of the issue if we really are dealing with Chinese marriage customs.

 

Jim, I'd like to clarify that China didn't really have dowry giving as a custom. There might have been some isolated region or certain minority groups who gave dowry to the groom families but as a whole, it was not really practiced. India did practice that--and may still do--but China mostly practiced Bride Price giving.

 

In my previous post in this thread, I was trying to clarify the two terms used: bride price and dowry. I wasn't trying to claim that China practiced both offerings.

[SinoTexas]

My dilemma is not that I have a problem with this custom, it is that I just do not have $30,000 liquid. I respect my fiancee's family very much. They did a wonderful job raising a wonderful girl into a woman. However, I cannot afford to give them $30,000 dollars even if I am 99% sure to get it back. I was asking about the amounts because I wanted to know if it was seen as insulting if I gave them a token amount.

 

$30,000USD? Am I reading this correctly? Not 30,000RMB?

 

That's an outrageous number. That's about 225,000RMB. This is not normal. The ONLY exception when it would be normal is if the parents are really asking that you purchase a house in China for either your SO or themselves. The house purchase is not that unusual, but to ask for a bride price of 225,000RMB is very unusual. I'm not saying completely unheard of, but quite unusual. I can see 30,000RMB, but not $30,000USD.

 

 

SinoJim said:

This all seems a little one sided here with the money issue. If we really are into the customs here, why doesn't the groom get a dowry as Lance outlined? It seems no one here pushes that side of the issue if we really are dealing with Chinese marriage customs.

 

Jim, I'd like to clarify that China didn't really have dowry giving as a custom. There might have been some isolated region or certain minority groups who gave dowry to the groom families but as a whole, it was not really practiced. India did practice that--and may still do--but China mostly practiced Bride Price giving.

 

In my previous post in this thread, I was trying to clarify the two terms used: bride price and dowry. I wasn't trying to claim that China practiced both offerings.

Thanks for the clarification. We attended a rural wedding about a year and a half ago and I know the bride's family did give a dowry of a lot of cigarettes, liquor and cash. Of course all this was being explained to me, as I did not have a clue what was going on. At one point, it seemed to be a disagreement in that the brides family did not provide enough cigarettes or liquor. I'm not sure how or if it was sorted out.

 

My fiancee and I talked about this. She said that since we were not getting married in China, there was no need for any monetary gifts. She asked if it was done in the US and I said no. She then said since we will be a cross cultural relationship, that she wanted to do it the American way and that we not have to give out money to anyone.

 

My advice to all, sort it out between you and your fiance(e). It is a cross cultural relationship, so figure out the best blend for ya'll.

 

Damn, I just realized that I forgot to tell her, that it is the brides family that pays for the wedding here in the West. Maybe I can hold off and see if the Dollar Store will have the dollar weddings again.

 

As aye,

 

Jim

[michaelt]

My dilemma is not that I have a problem with this custom, it is that I just do not have $30,000 liquid. I respect my fiancee's family very much. They did a wonderful job raising a wonderful girl into a woman. However, I cannot afford to give them $30,000 dollars even if I am 99% sure to get it back. I was asking about the amounts because I wanted to know if it was seen as insulting if I gave them a token amount.

 

$30,000USD? Am I reading this correctly? Not 30,000RMB?

 

That's an outrageous number. That's about 225,000RMB. This is not normal. The ONLY exception when it would be normal is if the parents are really asking that you purchase a house in China for either your SO or themselves. The house purchase is not that unusual, but to ask for a bride price of 225,000RMB is very unusual. I'm not saying completely unheard of, but quite unusual. I can see 30,000RMB, but not $30,000USD.

 

 

SinoJim said:

This all seems a little one sided here with the money issue. If we really are into the customs here, why doesn't the groom get a dowry as Lance outlined? It seems no one here pushes that side of the issue if we really are dealing with Chinese marriage customs.

 

Jim, I'd like to clarify that China didn't really have dowry giving as a custom. There might have been some isolated region or certain minority groups who gave dowry to the groom families but as a whole, it was not really practiced. India did practice that--and may still do--but China mostly practiced Bride Price giving.

 

In my previous post in this thread, I was trying to clarify the two terms used: bride price and dowry. I wasn't trying to claim that China practiced both offerings.

Thanks for the clarification. We attended a rural wedding about a year and a half ago and I know the bride's family did give a dowry of a lot of cigarettes, liquor and cash. Of course all this was being explained to me, as I did not have a clue what was going on. At one point, it seemed to be a disagreement in that the brides family did not provide enough cigarettes or liquor. I'm not sure how or if it was sorted out.

 

My fiancee and I talked about this. She said that since we were not getting married in China, there was no need for any monetary gifts. She asked if it was done in the US and I said no. She then said since we will be a cross cultural relationship, that she wanted to do it the American way and that we not have to give out money to anyone.

 

My advice to all, sort it out between you and your fiance(e). It is a cross cultural relationship, so figure out the best blend for ya'll.

 

Damn, I just realized that I forgot to tell her, that it is the brides family that pays for the wedding here in the West. Maybe I can hold off and see if the Dollar Store will have the dollar weddings again.

 

As aye,

 

Jim

We were just going to get married on the beach, but now I'm thinking "Ritz Carlton"...thanks for the "West" reminder! : )

[Joshua + Wang Zhuo]

My dilemma is not that I have a problem with this custom, it is that I just do not have $30,000 liquid. I respect my fiancee's family very much. They did a wonderful job raising a wonderful girl into a woman. However, I cannot afford to give them $30,000 dollars even if I am 99% sure to get it back. I was asking about the amounts because I wanted to know if it was seen as insulting if I gave them a token amount.

 

$30,000USD? Am I reading this correctly? Not 30,000RMB?

 

That's an outrageous number. That's about 225,000RMB. This is not normal. The ONLY exception when it would be normal is if the parents are really asking that you purchase a house in China for either your SO or themselves. The house purchase is not that unusual, but to ask for a bride price of 225,000RMB is very unusual. I'm not saying completely unheard of, but quite unusual. I can see 30,000RMB, but not $30,000USD.

 

 

SinoJim said:

This all seems a little one sided here with the money issue. If we really are into the customs here, why doesn't the groom get a dowry as Lance outlined? It seems no one here pushes that side of the issue if we really are dealing with Chinese marriage customs.

 

Jim, I'd like to clarify that China didn't really have dowry giving as a custom. There might have been some isolated region or certain minority groups who gave dowry to the groom families but as a whole, it was not really practiced. India did practice that--and may still do--but China mostly practiced Bride Price giving.

 

In my previous post in this thread, I was trying to clarify the two terms used: bride price and dowry. I wasn't trying to claim that China practiced both offerings.

 

Haha, yeah you read it correctly and that was my reaction too . Like I said earlier, sometimes I think my fiancee does not understand money so well. Remember, neither she nor her family ever asked for this. I was the one that brought the topic up. I am not sure if she said that amount to see my response, or if she just does not have a concept of the difference between the American dollar and the RMB.

 

Joshua

[SirLancelot]

Damn, I just realized that I forgot to tell her, that it is the brides family that pays for the wedding here in the West. Maybe I can hold off and see if the Dollar Store will have the dollar weddings again.

 

As aye,

 

Jim

 

You bring up a very good point. The US version and China's version of the wedding banquet--with regards to who pays for it--are diametrically opposed. In China, it is the groom's side who generally pays for the wedding banquet. In the US, traditionally it has been the bride's side. Of course that's changing now a days--many couples with decent income are paying for the event themselves--in both China and the US.

 

Also, keep in mind that in the past in China, the groom did not give the bride an engagement ring. So the money an American saves from buying his fiancee an engagement ring can ostensibly be used towards paying a bride price if need be.

Edited October 11, 2007 by SirLancelot (see edit history)

[SirLancelot]

I am not really worried about all of this, it is just something that I though would be interesting to learn a little more about. I wanted to show my Financees family that I care enough about her to take into consideration her culture and customs. I am taking away their only child (she was born after 78) and moving her to the other side of the world so I want them to feel as good about this as possible.

 

Joshua

 

I just discussed this with my wife over pizza and she said $30,000USD is insane. 30,000RMB would be quite adequate to show them respect for their culture and custom. Of course, if you want to give $30,000USD, that's entirely up to you.

[tonado]

I am not really worried about all of this, it is just something that I though would be interesting to learn a little more about. I wanted to show my Financees family that I care enough about her to take into consideration her culture and customs. I am taking away their only child (she was born after 78) and moving her to the other side of the world so I want them to feel as good about this as possible.

 

Joshua

 

I just discussed this with my wife over pizza and she said $30,000USD is insane. 30,000RMB would be quite adequate to show them respect for their culture and custom. Of course, if you want to give $30,000USD, that's entirely up to you.

 

One of my friend bought a house in China for the parents of the bride prior to the wedding. He is Chinese and has money.

[SirLancelot]

One of my friend bought a house in China for the parents of the bride prior to the wedding. He is Chinese and has money.

 

Yes Tony, you're right. I specifically made mention of this back in post #36 of this thread. http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?...st&p=342536

 

If the money is really a request to purchase a house, then it's more common. But $30,000USD used specifically as a bride price is not common.

[tonado]

One of my friend bought a house in China for the parents of the bride prior to the wedding. He is Chinese and has money.

 

Yes Tony, you're right. I specifically made mention of this back in post #36 of this thread. http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?...st&p=342536

 

If the money is really a request to purchase a house, then it's more common. But $30,000USD used specifically as a bride price is not common.

 

I think my friend just bought them the house as a token for taking the daughter. The parents didn't request it.

[SinoTexas]

You guys are making me feel really bad about this bride's price. A house huh? Ok, I'm breaking down and getting my in-laws to be a gift certificate for a two night stay at Super 8 Motel. Now I feel better.

 

As aye,

 

Jim