Culture, Custom or What?

[Guest Rob & Jin]

My SO attends English classes 3-4 times per week plus works 8-5:30 at a clinic. She is a worker for sure. She asked if I could help her out in this fashion she would always be indebted to me. I do not wish for her to be indebted to me for anything. All I wish for is to have her and our love grow to full blossom and to have her for my very best friend in the whole world.

After we finished chatting today she sent me an e-mail telling me how much she enjoys having me in her life and loves me and misses me. She did not mention anything we talked about in our conversation today.

A yard is not alot of money as we know but it all adds up.

Embarking on an International relationship is a long tedious process and expensive as we are fully aware of.

It maybe a thing that her friends are saying to her. Gee my Zhang Fu sends me money to me why is yours so cheap. I don't know if it is peer pressure or something like this.

 

 

I dont know your timeline, so have no idea how long you have known eachother or if you have met and spent time together. But my feeling is you are concerned and if you have a bad feelind about sending money then dont.

I recall when when I first looking on AFF,I chatted to a woman from Shanghai, on our third conversation, she said" ok i will be your gf if you send me money every month" After picking my self off the floor and controlling my laughter I politly said bye, bye.

Sure a extreme example, but China is one of the worse for visa fraud, so i understand your concerns.

As said by others go with head, heart and gut. If you both are in love and serious about this a compromise can easily be reached.

Good luck to you.

 

PS any chance of you posting your timeline

[PhoenixRising]

My SO attends English classes 3-4 times per week plus works 8-5:30 at a clinic. She is a worker for sure. She asked if I could help her out in this fashion she would always be indebted to me. I do not wish for her to be indebted to me for anything. All I wish for is to have her and our love grow to full blossom and to have her for my very best friend in the whole world.

After we finished chatting today she sent me an e-mail telling me how much she enjoys having me in her life and loves me and misses me. She did not mention anything we talked about in our conversation today.

A yard is not alot of money as we know but it all adds up.

Embarking on an International relationship is a long tedious process and expensive as we are fully aware of.

It maybe a thing that her friends are saying to her. Gee my Zhang Fu sends me money to me why is yours so cheap. I don't know if it is peer pressure or something like this.

 

 

 

I recall when when I first looking on AFF,I chatted to a woman from Shanghai, on our third conversation, she said" ok i will be your gf if you send me money every month" After picking my self off the floor and controlling my laughter I politly said bye, bye.

 

I think we both chatted with the same lady from Shanghai.

[lostinblue]

I dated 2 chinese women , Both would not accept any money ever. This said they both made better than average chinese. I think the big kicker is how far along you are in this relationship. Once you get past sending in the 129-f you are almost married Many exspenses will roll her way. Flight to GUZ,hotels ect. Paperwork needed for p-3. She may be doing alright now but this is an added exspense. One big thing is how the relationship went while in china. Was she thrifty. Worried about you spending money on her. Did you take the bus in her city or most of the time a taxi?. Yan just said 100/month would meet her living exspense apart from her apartment if not in a large city. Yan said $100.00 is not big money in china. (yan's opinion now )If she made decent money in china $100.00 is not a big deal..If she struggled all her life then it is a big thing for her.....money will always be a concern.....even after you are married....

[PhoenixRising]

I dated 2 chinese women , Both would not accept any money ever. This said they both made better than average chinese. I think the big kicker is how far along you are in this relationship. Once you get past sending in the 129-f you are almost married Many exspenses will roll her way. Flight to GUZ,hotels ect. Paperwork needed for p-3. She may be doing alright now but this is an added exspense. One big thing is how the relationship went while in china. Was she thrifty. Worried about you spending money on her. Did you take the bus in her city or most of the time a taxi?. Yan just said 100/month would meet her living exspense apart from her apartment if not in a large city. Yan said $100.00 is not big money in china. (yan's opinion now )If she made decent money in china $100.00 is not a big deal..If she struggled all her life then it is a big thing for her.....money will always be a concern.....even after you are married....

I am going to return to China maybe the end of September for National Day if I can tie up some loose ends here at home by the end of this week. I have already agreed to provide the necessary funds for her trip to Guangzhou and of course here to the USA when her Visa is approved. We also talked of her going to school here in the USA to gain accreditdation for an American Nurses Certificate. We have not explored this area to much.

Her lifestyle is middle class Chinese. She owns her own motor scooter and has a nice conservative wardrobe. She owns her computer and writes all her e-mails to me and we use the web cam also in our correspondence with each other. Her English is improving every day and she is no longer afraid to speak to my children or friends on the phone when I call her. She is not involved in one of those Dating Services that preys on unsuspecting woman and their suitors. She is a nurse and says she earns about 1,550 RMB per month and has no debt. Her Father and Mother are retired now and they where both educators. Her brothers are professional type men and are very sharp. She owns a BS degree herself and has had her diploma translated into English now. Her Daughter is in college now in her Sophmore year. Both her and her ex-husband help their daughter out through college. Her ex-husband is a doctor. She has been divorced now for nearly a decade. She claims to have made it on her own with very little help from her family.

I don't know maybe the financial pressure of helping her daughter out is the financial burden she is refering to.

[Steve and Aiwen]

I dated 2 chinese women , Both would not accept any money ever. This said they both made better than average chinese. I think the big kicker is how far along you are in this relationship. Once you get past sending in the 129-f you are almost married Many exspenses will roll her way. Flight to GUZ,hotels ect. Paperwork needed for p-3. She may be doing alright now but this is an added exspense. One big thing is how the relationship went while in china. Was she thrifty. Worried about you spending money on her. Did you take the bus in her city or most of the time a taxi?. Yan just said 100/month would meet her living exspense apart from her apartment if not in a large city. Yan said $100.00 is not big money in china. (yan's opinion now )If she made decent money in china $100.00 is not a big deal..If she struggled all her life then it is a big thing for her.....money will always be a concern.....even after you are married....

I am going to return to China maybe the end of September for National Day if I can tie up some loose ends here at home by the end of this week. I have already agreed to provide the necessary funds for her trip to Guangzhou and of course here to the USA when her Visa is approved. We also talked of her going to school here in the USA to gain accreditdation for an American Nurses Certificate. We have not explored this area to much.

Her lifestyle is middle class Chinese. She owns her own motor scooter and has a nice conservative wardrobe. She owns her computer and writes all her e-mails to me and we use the web cam also in our correspondence with each other. Her English is improving every day and she is no longer afraid to speak to my children or friends on the phone when I call her. She is not involved in one of those Dating Services that preys on unsuspecting woman and their suitors. She is a nurse and says she earns about 1,550 RMB per month and has no debt. Her Father and Mother are retired now and they where both educators. Her brothers are professional type men and are very sharp. She owns a BS degree herself and has had her diploma translated into English now. Her Daughter is in college now in her Sophmore year. Both her and her ex-husband help their daughter out through college. Her ex-husband is a doctor. She has been divorced now for nearly a decade. She claims to have made it on her own with very little help from her family.

I don't know maybe the financial pressure of helping her daughter out is the financial burden she is refering to.

 

 

You've got some great advice here...the best thing you can do is talk about this between yourselves and work it out. Think of this as just a small practice session for your upcoming marriage...you will talk about finances a lot, expecially with a Chinese woman.

 

Let me give you my experience:

 

I covered all our expenses during my visits, and picked up the tab for dinners with family and friends....I bought her an electronic translator of her own(she was using a friend's)....I also sent her money, usually $150 every now and then, to pay for English tutoring, and help with her telephone expenses...since we were talking often, this helped her quite a bit....in the last 8 months, I only sent her about $450 for expenses....I covered the visa costs, pictures, engagement/wedding dinner, wedding clothes, and her airfare from Nanning to GUZ in May....it kept her from having to endure a 14 hour train ride to meet me in GUZ, since we were headed to Zhaoqing to stay for this visit....her hometown.

 

All of these things showed my willingness to take good care of her, ESPECIALLY IN THE EYES OF THE FAMILY!!! They see very clearly that I am taking good care of their special daughter, and that I will be a good husband and provider. It is very hard for the family to see her move so far away....family is EVERYTHING in China....but they see that she is doing the right thing, for both of us. I am VERY well-thought-of by her family....and she comes from a fairly affluent family, she's one of 5 children, the middle child. I think a lot of this comes from the Aisian concept of "face"....so I guess I could say I have "good face" with the family. My SO is tight with the money.....she had a pretty good job, maybe 2500 yuan per month....she's a teacher in primary school, has a Bachelors degree, and is VERY intelligent....well, maybe except for picking me, ha,ha...I"M the lucky one, I think....

 

What I am trying to say, is Chinese folks think different from us, and place different prioities on future security, and the appearances of sincerity. The $100 your SO is asking for is most likely more of a "face" issue with her peers and family....I think you'll find it money well-spent, but you have to decide for yourself. Be non-confronational, and talk about it with your gal.....I think you'll find this small amount will buy more than you can ever imagine...and I don't mean material things. For me, my offers of support and helping my SO with expenses has been fun, and makes me feel good, too. Shoot, Aiwen always says"Husband, I no waste your money!"....I'll probably be a millionaire in 5 years, ha,ha....

 

 

Steve

[Guest Rob & Jin]

I dated 2 chinese women , Both would not accept any money ever. This said they both made better than average chinese. I think the big kicker is how far along you are in this relationship. Once you get past sending in the 129-f you are almost married Many exspenses will roll her way. Flight to GUZ,hotels ect. Paperwork needed for p-3. She may be doing alright now but this is an added exspense. One big thing is how the relationship went while in china. Was she thrifty. Worried about you spending money on her. Did you take the bus in her city or most of the time a taxi?. Yan just said 100/month would meet her living exspense apart from her apartment if not in a large city. Yan said $100.00 is not big money in china. (yan's opinion now )If she made decent money in china $100.00 is not a big deal..If she struggled all her life then it is a big thing for her.....money will always be a concern.....even after you are married....

I am going to return to China maybe the end of September for National Day if I can tie up some loose ends here at home by the end of this week. I have already agreed to provide the necessary funds for her trip to Guangzhou and of course here to the USA when her Visa is approved. We also talked of her going to school here in the USA to gain accreditdation for an American Nurses Certificate. We have not explored this area to much.

Her lifestyle is middle class Chinese. She owns her own motor scooter and has a nice conservative wardrobe. She owns her computer and writes all her e-mails to me and we use the web cam also in our correspondence with each other. Her English is improving every day and she is no longer afraid to speak to my children or friends on the phone when I call her. She is not involved in one of those Dating Services that preys on unsuspecting woman and their suitors. She is a nurse and says she earns about 1,550 RMB per month and has no debt. Her Father and Mother are retired now and they where both educators. Her brothers are professional type men and are very sharp. She owns a BS degree herself and has had her diploma translated into English now. Her Daughter is in college now in her Sophmore year. Both her and her ex-husband help their daughter out through college. Her ex-husband is a doctor. She has been divorced now for nearly a decade. She claims to have made it on her own with very little help from her family.

I don't know maybe the financial pressure of helping her daughter out is the financial burden she is refering to.

 

OFF topic (forgive me Mods) to get her RN in USA, she will have to sit the NYCLEX exam, she/you should also get her degree in nursing transcribed , notarised and sent to you ,this needs to include a breakdown of her studies, ie anatomy, physiology, pharmacology, etc , hours/ credits in each subjuct, plus clinical hours in different areas, ie ICU, ED, etc. If you want more info PM me and i will explain it all

[toolman]

i agree with gordon..when in china i paid for everything except her taxi fare home at night,,she refused that,,after i was back to u.s i did not hear from her for couple days,,,she finallt got message to me her purse was stolen on bus lost money also...i offer to send mony she would not let me,,said she have some saved,,if need help would ask me..stella lives in guangzhou,,just my input on this..

[jim_julian]

Lee, to me your post is "unpopular", at least with me, because of content, not because of the author, whom I respect.

 

It is your opinion, and therefore I would be remiss in saying it is wrong. You are entitled to your opinion.

 

I did not send my Lao Po money. She paid for everything in China. In fact she has contributed quite a bit to buying our new home in California and buying her new car. That said, I believe that many Chinese ladies need, or at least could benefit from, some financial help and that it is perfectly acceptable for them to ask at the point in the relationship where the couple is committed.

 

I will briefly restate, but not belabor, points I have made before:

 

- Compared to the "average American", in my opinion, Chinese ladies are more concerned with long term financial stability.

 

- Chinese ladies tend to put family responsibilities and long term financial stability ahead of personal considerations such as love.

 

- The voluntary uprooting of a Chinese lady will, inter alia, cause additional stress worrying about the well being of the family members she leaves behind

 

Simply said there is a cultural weighting of the hierarchy of needs. In Maslow's terminology many of our ladies are fixed on "safety" and also give a stronger weight to "esteem" than in western culture.

 

I believe that it is in our best interests to facilitate the satisfaction of these levels to enable progression to "love and belonging" which my experience tells me is above esteem for many Chinese ladies.

 

I would not "feel used" or "cut all ties" if my intended bride asked for a little financial help. Helping someone you love should be a manifestation of self actualization ... in my opinion.

[Guest Rob & Jin]

Depending on the perspective of the reader, this will either be a characteristically unpopular post because of its author, or perhaps it will be unpopular because I might be taking a surprising position on this issue.

 

Most everyone probably knows that I have a romantic view of life. Some might justifiably say that I have an overly romantic view of life. You might be surprised to know that I also have a very hard-nosed approach to life.

 

I have been on my own since I was fifteen, and in many respects, I have been on my own since I was ten. I am not unsympathetic to people who are in need. I feel for them. Sometimes I even worry about them, especially if they are family members. I also expect them to pick themselves up by their bootstraps and find their own way in life. I have always had to do that, and I think I am a better person for it.

 

To me this is not a cultural issue. If any woman, of any nationality, ever asked me to help her in this way, I might help her, but I would also cut all ties to her. If she discussed her living circumstances with me and I made the decision to help her, so be it. Then we are both happy. I am not saying that you should do this, or that it is the right thing to do. I am just saying that this is what I would do.

 

I have lived by these same standards even with my own mother and other members of my family. It is not that I don't care about them. I am very generous. I just don't want to feel used. My mother, by the way, has never asked for anything. She doesn't need to ask. I take care of things because I care about her well being.

 

I have been fortunate because Ping has not only never asked me for anything, but she has given and given and given to me. To my considerable embarrassment, she has taken care of almost every expense we have incurred in China (except for our hotel, for which I was able to use my AmExp card.). She has repeatedly told me that whatever she has belongs to me. Then she has proved it.

 

She has earned my trust and my faith, and consequently, in preparation for my trip to Guangzhou next week, I wire transferred funds to her (our) bank account without even telling her about it or about how much it would be. She was shocked when the bank notified her about what had been deposited in her account. She assumed that they had made a mistake, or that they were giving her the amount in rmb.

 

We each have to make a decision under the circumstance you have described based on our own personal knowledge about and view of the facts, and our belief in the person. I have no knowledge of any of these things. I would just take off the rose colored glasses and proceed cautiously if I were you.

 

good for you, you are good people follow you heart

[Tony_onrock]

DUMP¡¡HER!!

Any woman that ask for money is bad, pure and simple.

I broke up with all those that start asking for money. Once married, it is different. If she has financial difficulties, it is a different matter. But because others are getting money, she should get some as well, it is time to end it.

[shaffej7070]

DUMP¡¡HER!!

Any woman that ask for money is bad, pure and simple.

I broke up with all those that start asking for money. Once married, it is different. If she has financial difficulties, it is a different matter. But because others are getting money, she should get some as well, it is time to end it.

 

 

OnRock, I have to bite my tongue on this one, but you have a lot to learn about Chinese women, my friend, or women in general. This kind of pessimistic attitude is destined for failure in terms of Sino-American relationships. When a woman is placing her future in your hands, and you are committed, it is your duty to provide security financially and emotionally.

 

Jim's comments of the Chinese woman's POV concerning marriage is precise.

 

Sorry, Lee. We all know how you seem to overly-romanticize your approach to life, and I commend your positive attitude, but simply put, the Chinese woman does not view romance the same way Western cultures do. Jim's comments of the Chinese woman's POV is precise. Security and well-being is of utmost importance, and well-being equates to possessing the means to provide these essentials. We all know you won't have a problem providing for Ping and her daughter, I just hope you will be able to cope with the possibility of your partner not being as romantically inclined as you are. I lived with Asian women all my life, so I am speaking from observation and experience.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

Money between any couple is a highly personal subject. If you haven't already learned, life in China is difficult for most people, as many just don't have the conveniences we take for granted here in the US. If you love and trust her and can spare the money, simply send it. If it causes you heartburn and resentment, you may want to look more carefully at your own motivations in the relationship than hers.

 

Seems a bit drastic to dump someone you're thinking of marrying because they ask you for financial assistance. Partners are supposed to share these kinds of burdens with one another. In my opinion trusting someone until they give you a reason not to do so, is by far preferrable than not trusting them. $100 of American money can help make her life a whole lot better in China. She can do more with it for herself and family than you could keeping it here.

Edited September 12, 2007 by ShaQuaNew (see edit history)

[paula]

I asked my husband send me money after we got married in China. Honestly I didnt need money at that time. I had good job, working in a famous univeristy, slary is upper middle. But I think I am married, no matter where the husband is, he should take responsibilty for thr marriage. Also it is good way to see if your man is serious to the marriage and good provider. My husband was in debt at that time because of his divorce, but he still tried to wire me money $ 100 or $200 per month. When he got bonus, he sent me more. He also paid for interview cost. He called me everyday, and sent me money every month during 2 years waitting for visa. From it, my all family members know my husband is pretty good guy, and he will treat me and my son well in the US. Like other guy said above, it did make family feel much relief. When I got to the US, I took $2100 Cash, that was money my husband sent me and I saved. He was suprised. Now we are living together for 9 months in the US, he knows I am good at finance. I deal with all my family money now.

 

Can I ask one question here? Why ameircan men dont like hear " the other men do it ,or my friends husband do it" . For you guys ,it is crap, but for women, we wondered why other husband can do it for their wifes, why my husband cant???

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

Can I ask one question here? Why ameircan men dont like hear " the other men do it ,or my friends husband do it" . For you guys ,it is crap, but for women, we wondered why other husband can do it for their wifes, why my husband cant???

 

Paula, finances and issues with money are very private with most Americans. It's quite common for many American's best friends to never know their annual salary, or how much they paid for their house. Quite frankly, I would never post personal information about finances or the goings on at my home on this site, but that's just for me. Some members choose to do so, and that's okay.

 

It's a tough one also to generalize by including all American men, or Chinese women into the same category by thinking, saying, or writing that all Americans or Chinese do things exactly the same as another. Everyone is different, and just about everyone on this board has had very similar, and dissimiliar experiences. Some agree, and some disagree. I don't see anything wrong with that until one of those members launches a disrespectful attack against another member, either by aggressive responses, or those of the passive agressive type. Everyone should be allowed to voice their opinions here.

Edited September 12, 2007 by ShaQuaNew (see edit history)

[shaffej7070]

I asked my husband send me money after we got married in China. Honestly I didnt need money at that time. I had good job, working in a famous univeristy, slary is upper middle. But I think I am married, no matter where the husband is, he should take responsibilty for thr marriage. Also it is good way to see if your man is serious to the marriage and good provider. My husband was in debt at that time because of his divorce, but he still tried to wire me money $ 100 or $200 per month. When he got bonus, he sent me more. He also paid for interview cost. He called me everyday, and sent me money every month during 2 years waitting for visa. From it, my all family members know my husband is pretty good guy, and he will treat me and my son well in the US. Like other guy said above, it did make family feel much relief. When I got to the US, I took $2100 Cash, that was money my husband sent me and I saved. He was suprised. Now we are living together for 9 months in the US, he knows I am good at finance. I deal with all my family money now.

 

Can I ask one question here? Why ameircan men dont like hear " the other men do it ,or my friends husband do it" . For you guys ,it is crap, but for women, we wondered why other husband can do it for their wifes, why my husband cant???

 

 

Some men are unsure of themselveves, and their insecurities prevent them from understanding cultural differences or the feeling of being used. They feel that there is an ulterior motive when a woman moves fast toward marriage or ask for money. That may be the case for some, but I honestly believe most Chinese women just want security in the fact that they can possibly have a better life for their children and family members. Is a 100 bucks a month worth jeapordizing a chance to lead a happy life?

And Paula is right, it is the responsibility for the husband to take care of his family in that it shows he is committed and serious about marriage.

 

I am happy to send my mother-in-law money each month for expenses, because she treats me like a true son; even I had to get a second job to support her. It is the responsible and loving thing to do as a husband. The Chinese woman, in turn, will show you repsect, love and devotion.