I am facing a dilemma

[chinchillax]

It was pretty obvious she wasn't ready for marriage. Plus, pressure from me, her parents, and relatives all made it worse. I am not sure what to say or anymore. I pretty much just given up hope on this girl. I put so much time, money, and energy with her for this to become the way it did. It would be a miracle to see her come back to me and give it another chance, but I don't see that happening as she said she isn't interested anymore in coming to the US or leaving her family.

 

I haven't seen her online these past 3 days either.

[dnoblett]

I know what your are feeling, I dated several girls on line, and even traveled to China to meet one before finding true love. I felt the pain when that first girl left me, twice after my visit to China she stopped writing emails for a week at a time, and when she did write, she told me that she was out of town on business and could not get email, I knew if she could not have the kindness of telling me before leaving town that she would be away and unable to write, I knew it was over. I moved on and considered anyone else very carefully, and decided to exchange emails for a much longer period before making the move of a visit again. My current SO and I exchanged letters casually for 4 months, then started chatting, and talking online, then did that for 4 more months, by that time we knew that we had true love and decided on a visit, sure enough when we did meet we were like long lost best friends, and had a wonderful time together.

 

What I am saying is take your time, and get to know the girl very well before making the commitment and travel to see her next time, or let your current one make the next move.

[Joanne]

It seems to me, it would really take a lot of affection and persistance to make her happy. Only you know how much you want to give in future.

[bosco]

I know what your are feeling, I dated several girls on line, and even traveled to China to meet one before finding true love. I felt the pain when that first girl left me, twice after my visit to China she stopped writing emails for a week at a time, and when she did write, she told me that she was out of town on business and could not get email, I knew if she could not have the kindness of telling me before leaving town that she would be away and unable to write, I knew it was over. I moved on and considered anyone else very carefully, and decided to exchange emails for a much longer period before making the move of a visit again. My current SO and I exchanged letters casually for 4 months, then started chatting, and talking online, then did that for 4 more months, by that time we knew that we had true love and decided on a visit, sure enough when we did meet we were like long lost best friends, and had a wonderful time together.

 

What I am saying is take your time, and get to know the girl very well before making the commitment and travel to see her next time, or let your current one make the next move.

 

 

Ditto!

[SheLikesME?]

I generally stay out of topics like this, but I'd like to offer a general observation over the last 5 ~ 6 years or so.

 

It always amazed me at how quickly a Chinese woman would 'decide' to marry one of us US gringos. Once the decision is made, it is written in stone. Don't matter how long they have known you, or if they have even met you yet. When they decide, it is done.

 

Of course there are exceptions, but I've found this to be a rule of thumb. Some very hasty engagements/marriages have turned out quite well.

 

What I'd really look for is committment. If it's there, it will probably last.

Reassuring words, Don.

[chinchillax]

I sent her in the mail a sealed tin filled with Marshall Field's Frangos! She loves chocolates and perfumes, but I just sent the frangos for now and I also sent her a letter in there I am thinking about her.

 

Is that okay to win her back?

[Dennis143]

I sent her in the mail a sealed tin filled with Marshall Field's Frangos! She loves chocolates and perfumes, but I just sent the frangos for now and I also sent her a letter in there I am thinking about her.

 

Is that okay to win her back?

I hope so, Chris.

 

I believe her fear of the unknown my be greater than her desire to venture away from her comfort zone. If you still feel that she truly is the woman for you, you somehow need to convince her with more than just simple chocolates...yet, I hope that those gestures are enough for her to understand, appreciate and then want to accept your love.

 

If she doesn't respond, are you ready to let her go?

[ameriken]

I sent her in the mail a sealed tin filled with Marshall Field's Frangos! She loves chocolates and perfumes, but I just sent the frangos for now and I also sent her a letter in there I am thinking about her.

 

Is that okay to win her back?

As I said in another post......you mention having many great qualities that you can offer her (or any woman for that matter). This is a logical reason for a woman to be with you.

 

But there is another reason that someone mentioned earlier......and that is the emotion, or chemistry.

 

If she feels the chemistry.......nothing will keep her away from you. Chemistry surpasses logic. When someone is interested in another person, nothing will stop her from being with you.

 

But if there is not chemistry, then all the logic and reasons in the world wont keep her with you. There could be logical reasons why any woman should be with you, but without that chemistry, it aint happening....or even if it does, it wont be a happy relationship.

 

My guess is that chemistry is not there......she wanted to split up, she said its over, and she is offline.

 

The chemistry is not something you can garner or create.......its either there or it aint. If the chemistry is there, then the gift may have an affect. But if the chemistry is not there, I think it can drive her further away.

 

Like Dennis said, if it doesnt bring her back, are you ready to move on and find someone where the chemistry is there, and she has an interest in you to the point of not leaving you?

[chinchillax]

I feel like calling her dad, tell him about what I've been thinking these past few days. However, I think he is still upset and frustrated over what happened. I just hope he doesn't give her too much pressure again. I still have emotions for her.

 

How long should I wait to call again? I was thinking calling this weekend or should I give more time for her to think more over.

 

After all we've gone through, why give up so easily like this? She even thought we had some chemistry together, although some lack of understanding and pressure I think made her think about this a lot and give up. After all her dad did tell me she wait for me to take her (marry and bring to the US) for over a year and a half.

 

There still has to be at least some emotional feeling within her about me.

Edited April 6, 2007 by chinchillax (see edit history)

[Joanne]

Now, it sounds like it is the stress of visa journey caused part of the problem. She might doubt whether you are serious on this.

[david_dawei]

I feel like calling her dad, tell him about what I've been thinking these past few days. However, I think he is still upset and frustrated over what happened. I just hope he doesn't give her too much pressure again. I still have emotions for her.

 

How long should I wait to call again? I was thinking calling this weekend or should I give more time for her to think more over.

 

After all we've gone through, why give up so easily like this? She even thought we had some chemistry together, although some lack of understanding and pressure I think made her think about this a lot and give up. After all her dad did tell me she wait for me to take her (marry and bring to the US) for over a year and a half.

 

There still has to be at least some emotional feeling within her about me.

I just think you underestimating the importance of being together.. she is waiting alone.. without you by her side. IMO, there are some who cannot take this very well and it distances their resolve and commitment and belief in the other person's commitment.

 

Clearly she has insecurity about the future unknown and leaving what is known... that's not going to go away easily, and particularly while apart. If she is immature at heart, or whatever... her security is in china; that's what she knows, sees, and feels every day.

 

That's why I recommend you go visit her and stay if possible till it's over... or part ways if she doesn't want to continue.

 

I can tell you this: If my wife were reading this, she would say, "why does he only talk and not go to china"...

Edited April 6, 2007 by DavidZixuan (see edit history)

[chinchillax]

She knows I am serious about it, but is she serious about it...that I don't know.

 

I think she just worries too much about many things such as adapting, whether i would love her or only care about making money, her future here in the US. She knows I am a Christian, and she told me before she is also a Christian, but her faith wasn't as strong as mines and had a few doubts. She supposely understood things such as unconditional love and loyalty...

 

But then again like I said, recently a lot of pressure from parents, friends, and family may have made her think more that she doesn't wanna come. Before she really wanted to come to be with me, but it was just this past month that she gave this a lot of thought.

 

Marriage is a risk, same goes with stocks, health, and opening small business. Take things slowly and learn more about each other is the best way to go. I don't have a problem speaking chinese since I am one, but sometimes I wonder whether or not she listens to what I say, since she is shy and to herself a lot.

[dnoblett]

I just think you underestimating the importance of being together.. she is waiting alone.. without you by her side. IMO, there are some who cannot take this very well and it distances their resolve and commitment and belief in the other person's commitment.

 

Clearly she has insecurity about the future unknown and leaving what is known... that's not going to go away easily, and particularly while apart. If she is immature at heart, or whatever... her security is in china; that's what she knows, sees, and feels every day.

 

That's why I recommend you go visit her and stay if possible till it's over... or part ways if she doesn't want to continue.

 

I can tell you this: If my wife were reading this, she would say, "why does he only talk and not go to china"...

David always has the best advise! If I were your age, I would be thinking about teaching English in China for a year or so, most of the schools there, will feed, and house you, so the pay even though not great by American standards, tend to go a long way.

 

Many times during the past few years I dreamed of packing and going to China for a few years to teach English, in fact my father told me that it sounded like an interesting adventure.

 

You could then truly get to know your girl, and she would feel more secure about a future with you.

Edited April 6, 2007 by dnoblett (see edit history)

[chinchillax]

I feel like calling her dad, tell him about what I've been thinking these past few days. However, I think he is still upset and frustrated over what happened. I just hope he doesn't give her too much pressure again. I still have emotions for her.

 

How long should I wait to call again? I was thinking calling this weekend or should I give more time for her to think more over.

 

After all we've gone through, why give up so easily like this? She even thought we had some chemistry together, although some lack of understanding and pressure I think made her think about this a lot and give up. After all her dad did tell me she wait for me to take her (marry and bring to the US) for over a year and a half.

 

There still has to be at least some emotional feeling within her about me.

I just think you underestimating the importance of being together.. she is waiting alone.. without you by her side. IMO, there are some who cannot take this very well and it distances their resolve and commitment and belief in the other person's commitment.

 

Clearly she has insecurity about the future unknown and leaving what is known... that's not going to go away easily, and particularly while apart. If she is immature at heart, or whatever... her security is in china; that's what she knows, sees, and feels every day.

 

That's why I recommend you go visit her and stay if possible till it's over... or part ways if she doesn't want to continue.

 

I can tell you this: If my wife were reading this, she would say, "why does he only talk and not go to china"...

 

I did already go there back in January. I don't have the time to go again right now since I have work. Though I wish I could go see her soon and console.

[SheLikesME?]

Yeah taking a huge pay cut to be a teacher should remove any dobt about loyalty, but would it backfire in money matters? Money and savings are such a big deal!

 

Does it really help to call her father? It is something I would not do. But then I don't know your culture or the way you have done this. Seems odd to me.