Life In America

[SheLikesME?]

Doug, Let her be her. Unless she makes some major social snafu, let her be her and stop worrying. Just accept her the way she is, she will find her way. And, if she needs help, you can guide her. But, don't try to correct or change her.

 

 

Just my very humble opinion.

Hahahaha, thanks Dennis. Believe me I have backed off and let others tell her. I am mostly just relating what I observed. I worry over her true. Try to change her? Hahahaha. I am not laughing at you. There is so much I have had to tell her about her and I getting along that unless it affects life or my business I kinda let it happen.

 

Funny story was the 4 bags of dumplings she bought to have the lady who gives out samples of food at the grocery store cook it for our lunch. Manager got wind of it before it happened and stopped her. It was a typical Chinese (appeared heated at first) discussion that ended with smiling and me getting a refund and we went down a few doors to a Hot-Pot cafe. Randy's wife happened to be in that store at the time and I didn't know it. Wonder if she saw all of this unfold. Somehow I was not embarressed. I just waited for the roof to cave in and it did. She is learning.

[david_dawei]

Somehow I was not embarressed. I just waited for the roof to cave in and it did. She is learning.

I think the important issue is, whether the 'caving in' is your observation or hers? If yours and not hers, than this is projected; If hers and not yours, this is perceptive; if yours and hers then this is perfect.

[SheLikesME?]

Somehow I was not embarressed. I just waited for the roof to cave in and it did. She is learning.

I think the important issue is, whether the 'caving in' is your observation or hers? If yours and not hers, than this is projected; If hers and not yours, this is perceptive; if yours and hers then this is perfect.

 

OK OK

 

David, this is exactly right and we discussed the situation after we left. My wife was thinking boy if she had just got away with it before that manager came up. Heck I am dang glad it never got started. Then what?

 

Toward the end it was much easier for me to tell her that if she does so-and-so it will cause.....what ever reaction is typical of an American. She seem to accept my statements.

 

Maybe I am not the best writer. Maybe some folks don't care for my observations and or don't trust them. I kind of figured you would be the most interested in this or something, out of anyone here. That 6 week visit was a real adventure. I was not going to mention this and many other things until I read Paula's thread on needing help. I really see from the other ladies that some "adjustment" or what ever word you want to use that is a better description, took place for them. Bottom line it is not so easy for them to accept or get used to America, in all casses. Neither my wife nor myself realized this. After a year on CFL I never picked up on it either, just felt it way back when I first married my wife in 2005 and told her it would be better to raise a family in China. Or I knew things would be easier for us, because I had been there working before I met her and loved it, and disliked a lot of things in America myself. Wife is the one who insisted on America in the end. I hate to say it, but now she is experiencing what I could not help her understand verbally.

[david_dawei]

Somehow I was not embarressed. I just waited for the roof to cave in and it did. She is learning.

I think the important issue is, whether the 'caving in' is your observation or hers? If yours and not hers, than this is projected; If hers and not yours, this is perceptive; if yours and hers then this is perfect.

 

OK OK

 

David, this is exactly right and we discussed the situation after we left. My wife was thinking boy if she had just got away with it before that manager came up. Heck I am dang glad it never got started. Then what?

 

Toward the end it was much easier for me to tell her that if she does so-and-so it will cause.....what ever reaction is typical of an American. She seem to accept my statements.

 

Maybe I am not the best writer. Maybe some folks don't care for my observations and or don't trust them. I kind of figured you would be the most interested in this or something, out of anyone here. That 6 week visit was a real adventure. I was not going to mention this and many other things until I read Paula's thread on needing help. I really see from the other ladies that some "adjustment" or what ever word you want to use that is a better description, took place for them. Bottom line it is not so easy for them to accept or get used to America, in all casses. Neither my wife nor myself realized this. After a year on CFL I never picked up on it either, just felt it way back when I first married my wife in 2005 and told her it would be better to raise a family in China. Or I knew things would be easier for us, because I had been there working before I met her and loved it, and disliked a lot of things in America myself. Wife is the one who insisted on America in the end. I hate to say it, but now she is experiencing what I could not help her understand verbally.

Although I am not a hugh fan of Buddhist doctrine... I think that their view about the reason people 'suffer' (have a hard time, etc) is the gap between expectation (what one expects) and experience (what one experiences).

 

I tend to think this is more at work as a core issue since it is what explains our difficulty in living in china, for example... I undersatnd that some call it adjustment or adapting or whatever... but if this gap exists, they will be some internal conflict.

 

And I tend to think that most people feel the way to 'fix' this is to change to the system; "americanize" one... I'm not convinced that is right.. I think what has to happen is that the faulty thinking which induces the gap needs to change.

 

Thus, your not trying to change how a person lives but help them to see how they perceive life or perceive their own paradigm.

 

ok.. I'm rambling.. but I did like what you shared in the other thread and this one.. good stuff.

[SheLikesME?]

Thanks David. Your dead on correct about the "internal conflict". My wife would think about what she saw, and other times defy the way things are done here on purpose. I tend to not get in her way, but sometimes it just does not work, especially when it is with things I have to do and she is trying to change me.

 

So my wife comes here and tries not to be Chinese, then gets shocked and shuts down, then tries to function, then by way of a trip to Houston China Town accepts her own Chinese ways and relaxes a little, then gave up on some of her ambitious goals after seeing none of us are enjoying anything and it is all hard work in the daily American life - which caused her decision to stop going to college and go on the road with me while I work out of hotels and we get the books from the teacher and she teaches our daughter when I am working and then we swim and eat out and have some good ol FUN! All the while exploding from time to time in rants about the way I have done things.

 

Now those explosive (sounds like a marraige argument) was quite the learning experience for me, and her. I figured out what she needs and she saw how I react to her rantings. I can't take it as well as another Chinese person. To generalize there is a little more kitten glove treatment needed, but then I have toughened up as well, knowing she is there and we are committed. Admitted, once she was ready to catch an early flight back over some stupids things I said. I did my best to make up for it which is exactly what she needed and wanted me to do. We love each other. And it isn't just the heavenly stary eyed floating like it was at first. This is the better daily life thing that really sticks in your crawl. It is amazing how much nicer we are over the phone to each other, now that she is back in China.

 

Ok enough rambling. I kinda got off subject here, or did I?

[SheLikesME?]

On a side note. Dave I LOVED being in China and wanted more than anything for her and I to make our life there. I feel more at home and happier in China than I ever am here. It is heaven to me.

 

We chose the American path, though. Good opportunity has come our way to make that happen. So I am not looking back. Just have a lot of work to do now. It is just not easy in the USA. Now maybe that pisses some folks off as if I am anti American. I am not. Would never give up my citizenship. I would just love to have the chance to live in China until I see all the faults and come home. Unfortunatly before I ever have that chance China will be perfectly spoiled like we Americans are. There is no perfect way, as my wife says. Hey I am happier than I have ever been in my life, and told her so just moments ago over the phone.

[Joanne]

My Lao Po bends over backwards to fit in.

 

She is very perceptive and frequently asks me how should one behave in a given situation. This is not to say that she won't complain privately to me when she thinks the American norm, or some behavior she has observed, is inappropriate.

 

I think for someone who has been here about 9 months she has adjusted very well.

 

Perceptiveness is important, I think, to help adjusting quickly to the culture.

 

I was very similiar to Jim's wife when I first came to US, and was able to adjust to the culture quickly. However, after having moved back and forth between the two cultures, I got tired of adjusting backandforth. Or maybe because I got older and become more sure of myself, I don't pay nearly as much attention to my surroundings as before. I feel that I fit in relatively well with both cultures but not to a high compliance to either cultural norms.

[warpedbored]

Interesting perception Joanne. My ex-wife is from Japan. She has told me many times that although she is very americanized at this point she really doesn't completely fit in with either culture. She is too americanized to fit in with Japan's cultural norm for women and is still Japanese enough to not completely fit in here. She is content and has few issues about it but there is always that feeling of being apart.

[Joanne]

Doug, Let her be her. Unless she makes some major social snafu, let her be her and stop worrying. Just accept her the way she is, she will find her way. And, if she needs help, you can guide her. But, don't try to correct or change her.

 

 

Just my very humble opinion.

 

Well said, Dennis.

[SirLancelot]

Interesting perception Joanne. My ex-wife is from Japan. She has told me many times that although she is very americanized at this point she really doesn't completely fit in with either culture. She is too americanized to fit in with Japan's cultural norm for women and is still Japanese enough to not completely fit in here. She is content and has few issues about it but there is always that feeling of being apart.

 

This type of feeling your ex-wife experiences is felt by anyone who has lived abroad for some period of time. I felt this way after coming back from China, after having lived their for a combined period of 2 years. I know most foreigners having spent some time living in China feels that way once they return to their home countries. Basically, it boils down to the fact that NO culture is perfect. There are always pros and cons with each culture. I wish the Chinese were more like Americans in some ways and other times I wish Americans were more like the Chinese.

 

When I'm in China, I'm wishing to be back in the US because we have it so comfy here, but when I'm back in the US, I sometimes wish I was back in China because the average US person is so decadent and wasteful compared to the Chinese. There's also this massive sense of entitlement that USCs generally hold which the Chinese don't. But common courtsey to strangers and general politeness is very lacking in China. So there's this constant mixed feeling inside. I think SLM knows this feeling very well.

[Feathers268]

When at the store does your wife/husband notice where others are around them? Does she park her shopping cart in a way so others can get by???

Having just gotten back from Costco, this is not a Chinese trait. There are just as many rude Americans who don't pay attention to others around them.

[SheLikesME?]

When at the store does your wife/husband notice where others are around them? Does she park her shopping cart in a way so others can get by???

Having just gotten back from Costco, this is not a Chinese trait. There are just as many rude Americans who don't pay attention to others around them.

Yes and my ex is one of them. I guess it made me even more jumpy when my wife started it. But in her case she seemed to not notice. My ex didn't care.

[kangjie]

I am not sure why everybody says Chinese are more rude than Americans. I never felt like I was in danger of getting shot while in China. I did feel like people knew when I walked in a room though.

 

I didn't run into near as many sullen dead-eyed, kind of lazy service workers in China.But then again I give a lot of credit for speed and efficency. If someone can cut my hair well in 10 minutes I consider her better than someone who makes chit chat but takes 20 minutes. So maybe it is just me.

 

I did see they are more stuborn when it came to things like rules and paperwork.They seemed like one large Italian faimly to me. Loud and proud at times but not much real threat or just for no reason. The way the coexist with such large numbers is kind of amazing. Same scenario in America would yield bloodshed

[kenshin77]

Agreed thats the right perspective~

[SheLikesME?]

I am not sure why everybody says Chinese are more rude than Americans. I never felt like I was in danger of getting shot while in China. I did feel like people knew when I walked in a room though.

 

I didn't run into near as many sullen dead-eyed, kind of lazy service workers in China.But then again I give a lot of credit for speed and efficency. If someone can cut my hair well in 10 minutes I consider her better than someone who makes chit chat but takes 20 minutes. So maybe it is just me.

 

I did see they are more stuborn when it came to things like rules and paperwork.They seemed like one large Italian faimly to me. Loud and proud at times but not much real threat or just for no reason. The way the coexist with such large numbers is kind of amazing. Same scenario in America would yield bloodshed

Hey I thought the Chinese treated each other better and warmer in China than we do each other here in the USA. We have a lot of walls between us. It is just a few little observations I notice when my wife is in America in a store or something that her buying bargaining hat goes on and LOOK OUT. Hahaha But at home she treats my Mom and Son with a great deal of kindness and respect they have never had before. Even if my wife complains to me about some of the things my son does and she is mad at him, he is totally unaware of it. She treats him very well.

 

I wouild rather live with her in CHina, but too late for that now. It is USA all the way now.

Edited March 4, 2007 by SheLikesME? (see edit history)