Making up

[aclassic]

My SO is still in China, but I was thinking about when we have our first difference or first little spat. Can I expect the silent treatment? I can be pretty stubborn sometimes. Do flowers work or maybey chocolates or maybe crawling on hands and knees?

[LeeFisher3]

My experience has been that responding with anger when you feel you have been slapped at is not a good thing, whether in a marriage or any other type of relationship including work.

 

One of the easiest things to learn how to say is "I don't understand" and then be willing to take the time to listen and discuss things with an open mind.

 

There are times my wife will say something that in a former life would have greatly offended me, but by taking the time to understand what is trying to be said we usually find out that the choice of words used was not what was trying to be said. My wife does the same thing with me, instead of taking offense we try to get clarification of what was said.

 

Often we end up laughing at the situation because the words used did not have the meaning we were trying to convey.

 

Now that is not to say we don't occasionally tick each other off either, but we know this will happen and don't try to lash out at the other to get even. We're together for many reasons and beating each other up is not one of them.

[Colorado]

My SO is still in China, but I was thinking about when we have our first difference or first little spat. Can I expect the silent treatment? I can be pretty stubborn sometimes. B) Do flowers work or maybey chocolates or maybe crawling on hands and knees?

 

My Juan and I had a couple already, but it was just because of our misunderstandings of each other and our cultural difference. I think that (from my experience) you can expect her to say what's on her mind. The term "brutally honest" means just that, she'll tell you what she thinks first and then give you silent treatment. You just have to keep a cool head and talk sense, but make it so that she understands that the tift is just about misunderstandings and that you both have to look at it from the other's point of view. Just be willing to discuss whatever it is. From what I have understood, in China the man would make a decision and that would be that. If you let her know that you are willing to discuss her point of view as well, she will know that you are treating her as an equal. Something not acceptable in China, although it is beginning to change somewhat. After all our SOs are also looking for better treatment here also among other things, like your love for her. Your willingness to understand what she wishes will go a long way to preventing MUs. Oh, and flowers don't hurt either, but skip the chocolates. Most Chinese don't like sweets that much. Groveling only makes you look weak in their eyes.

[Dennis143]

Although just two responses, both are very good answers. I wish I had read them two week ago, because a week ago Monday I come home, Leiqin is cranky.

 

She isn't in her normal running, lao gong, lao gong self. PMS maybe? PMS undoubtably. Anyway, she seldom complains. But, that night she's doesn't like this and doesn't like that. I offer to bring the laundry in and I set the basket on the kitchen table and she goes off on me. I am tired of hearing all these complaints and tell her so and, in the midst of my telling her to stop complaining, I see THAT look on her face. I know THAT look now. It means she's going to go into the silent mode for a while and there will be little I can do to change it. I will just have to wait it out. Although very seldom, when this does happen, I am always the one to come to her say I am sorry and try to get her to melt a bit. Well, this time I am just going to wait it out. She will see how it feels to have someone who won't talk to her. I will teach her a lesson. My ex would use this passive-aggressive technique on me by withholding affection as punishment, so I am keenly aware of what she is doing and I will prove that this method won't work.

 

Two days, three days, four days and counting. Neither seems to be budging. I have decided that I would rather live alone than with a crabby woman.

 

But, then I do a gut check and realize that she is all I want, all I need in life. That, with our language barrier, she is as frustrated as I am. I have got to put an end to this, NOW! She's at work. I call her and tell her that we must stop this. That I need her back in my life and that I am sorry for whatever I did to make her feel this way. I drive to her work to bring her home. I get out of the car and wait, wondering how she will be. When she sees me she starts running to me with outstretched arms, doing her little side-to-side dance saying "lao gong, lao gong" and I know I have my wife back.

 

You cannot have growth, without conflict. And, with each quarral we have, we learn a little bit more about each other. We both know that we can both pout, put on the silent treatment, be cranky, say something wrong or not speak at all and we still will be married. We will still be a couple. We'll still continue to love each other no matter what. That is what I call commitment.

 

Even after four days apart, angry and pouting, we will pick up and continue on, without scars and without hurt, as if nothing ever happened...

[chilton747]

I once asked my SO why she was angry with me. She told that if she wasn't ever angry then how would I know what was in her heart? That is true intimacy.

[aclassic]

Dennis 143 That was a great post and more inline with what I was looking for when I posted the question. I stated that I tend to be stubborn and hold my position. Differences in culture is a big factor, and I think that what you did in order to get you wife back is a great think.

Although just two responses, both are very good answers. I wish I had read them two week ago, because a week ago Monday I come home, Leiqin is cranky.

 

She isn't in her normal running, lao gong, lao gong self. PMS maybe? PMS undoubtably. Anyway, she seldom complains. But, that night she's doesn't like this and doesn't like that. I offer to bring the laundry in and I set the basket on the kitchen table and she goes off on me. I am tired of hearing all these complaints and tell her so and, in the midst of my telling her to stop complaining, I see THAT look on her face. I know THAT look now. It means she's going to go into the silent mode for a while and there will be little I can do to change it. I will just have to wait it out. Although very seldom, when this does happen, I am always the one to come to her say I am sorry and try to get her to melt a bit. Well, this time I am just going to wait it out. She will see how it feels to have someone who won't talk to her. I will teach her a lesson. My ex would use this passive-aggressive technique on me by withholding affection as punishment, so I am keenly aware of what she is doing and I will prove that this method won't work.

 

Two days, three days, four days and counting. Neither seems to be budging. I have decided that I would rather live alone than with a crabby woman.

 

But, then I do a gut check and realize that she is all I want, all I need in life. That, with our language barrier, she is as frustrated as I am. I have got to put an end to this, NOW! She's at work. I call her and tell her that we must stop this. That I need her back in my life and that I am sorry for whatever I did to make her feel this way. I drive to her work to bring her home. I get out of the car and wait, wondering how she will be. When she sees me she starts running to me with outstretched arms, doing her little side-to-side dance saying "lao gong, lao gong" and I know I have my wife back.

 

You cannot have growth, without conflict. And, with each quarral we have, we learn a little bit more about each other. We both know that we can both pout, put on the silent treatment, be cranky, say something wrong or not speak at all and we still will be married. We will still be a couple. We'll still continue to love each other no matter what. That is what I call commitment.

 

Even after four days apart, angry and pouting, we will pick up and continue on, without scars and without hurt, as if nothing ever happened...

[izus]

very well said Dennis, as usual.

 

doing her little side-to-side dance saying "lao gong, lao gong" and I know I have my wife back.

 

i know that dance your talking about, ive seen that before.

Edited January 31, 2007 by izus (see edit history)

[Urkidding]

You have heard that ¡°Long Distance Romances Don¡¯t Work.¡± Well, here is a site that proves that statement wrong. Although one of the most difficult parts of your relationship will be the waiting and getting to know each other prior to her arrival, there will be a lot of conflicts and ¡°misunderstandings¡± during this period. Its called the ¡°SOFT ZONE¡±, because both of you are still in your own environments and feel comfortable no matter what is said.

 

Even after she gets here you will have a lot of misunderstandings and conflicts. The one thing to remember is that when she is here, she is by herself (no relatives in the USA) and sometimes she will be defending her own actions because she has no idea how to do things here like she did in China.

 

Let¡¯s keep things in perspective, we may not like what the other person does (actions) but we still love the other person in our hearts ¨C no matter what. Right?

 

With that all said and done, my experience in the beginnings with my wife was also a lot of ¡°misunderstandings¡±, mostly not understanding each other, i.e. language barrier, mood swings, etc.. It wasn¡¯t like I would say one thing and she would say another. No, No, No, that was in my previous life with my ex when I would say HOT and she would say COLD. What I mean is your wife/girlfriend may not understand each other. You both are in ¡°training¡± trying to learn each other¡¯s culture, lives, experiences, food, etc., etc..

 

Like Lee said in his post, it¡¯s easier to say ¡°I don¡¯t understand¡± than to not talk at all.

 

Which reminds me of the old saying ¡°You can catch a lot more flies with sugar water than you can vinegar¡±. ¨C Try it!

[shimaore]

well you can expect : objects flying in the air , shouting , etc... like any other women - but I guess only you know her.

[toy_rn65]

You have heard that ¡°Long Distance Romances Don¡¯t Work.¡± Well, here is a site that proves that statement wrong. Although one of the most difficult parts of your relationship will be the waiting and getting to know each other prior to her arrival, there will be a lot of conflicts and ¡°misunderstandings¡± during this period. Its called the ¡°SOFT ZONE¡±, because both of you are still in your own environments and feel comfortable no matter what is said.

 

Even after she gets here you will have a lot of misunderstandings and conflicts. The one thing to remember is that when she is here, she is by herself (no relatives in the USA) and sometimes she will be defending her own actions because she has no idea how to do things here like she did in China.

 

Let¡¯s keep things in perspective, we may not like what the other person does (actions) but we still love the other person in our hearts ¨C no matter what. Right?

 

With that all said and done, my experience in the beginnings with my wife was also a lot of ¡°misunderstandings¡±, mostly not understanding each other, i.e. language barrier, mood swings, etc.. It wasn¡¯t like I would say one thing and she would say another. No, No, No, that was in my previous life with my ex when I would say HOT and she would say COLD. What I mean is your wife/girlfriend may not understand each other. You both are in ¡°training¡± trying to learn each other¡¯s culture, lives, experiences, food, etc., etc..

 

Like Lee said in his post, it¡¯s easier to say ¡°I don¡¯t understand¡± than to not talk at all.

 

Which reminds me of the old saying ¡°You can catch a lot more flies with sugar water than you can vinegar¡±. ¨C Try it!

 

 

 

You are right. I agree with everything you said except the flies part. I think "crap" does a lot better job in attracting flies!

 

 

 

Just kidding.

[Patrick & Li]

Crawling on my hands and knees works for me most of the time. If that doesnt work then I have to put my head on her shoulders and beg her forgiveness and then slowly work my way back into her good graces.

But trust me, The rewards at the end is sooooo much more than what I gave to get them.

Edited January 31, 2007 by Patrick & Li (see edit history)

[SmilingAsia]

Do flowers work or maybey chocolates or maybe crawling on hands and knees?

I believe all of them work Everyone's SO is different. Young beautiful girls may be more demanding sometimes.

[david_dawei]

The 'good old silent' treatment... means you didn't read her mind correctly (so your actions were incorrect, because if you read her mind correctly, the actions would be correct) and your words now prove it the incorrectness

 

As Eunice said, it can be so varied as to the treatment you will get or expect... but I'll make some unfair generalizations instead:

- The man is expected to put up a little bit of the woman's emotional response and pouting... NOT to respond in a dualing fashion

- She wants to know that your actions will be different next time.. but you have to rely on words to state that; but she's watching for next time !

- Something showing you don't understand to understand is best; keeps the communication open (althought she might ask why you don't know it)

 

In the end, when a person on a boat falls overboard, if your reaction is anything other than to throw them a rope.. then your thinking of yourself too much; This is only half the rescue; the other half requires you to pull the rope in... movement to close the gap will occur when you put some effort in it

[PapaBear]

cranky

 

PMS maybe? PMS undoubtably. THAT look on her face. I know THAT look now. It means she's going to go into the silent mode for a while and there will be little I can do to change it. I will just have to wait it out. Although very seldom, when this does happen, I am always the one to come to her say I am sorry and try to get her to melt a bit.

 

Your post was a good one Dennis. I have had similiar experiences with my Peipei. Two reasons behind our spats, usually, misunderstanding (communication) or that emotionial response I get, caused IMO by PMS. That stone cold look on her face tells it all. By this point I must give her her own space and not dwell on her mood. It will take time for her to come around to a point where we can talk.

 

To me, I want to take care of any misunderstandings or communication problems right away. But for her, she has to go through some period of thinking the situation over in her own head which takes time. Then I will have the window of opportunity to approach her.

 

On almost all occasions I am the one who breaks the ice for reconcilation. You must understand the Chinese way......always save face! This doesn't mean she has never said "sorry" but those times are few and far inbetween.

 

We have been married 3 years, and living together with each other for nearly 2 years. It's work......but a labor of love. True love!!

 

PapaBear

[esun41]

To answer the original posters question... Flowers? not for my wife as it is a waste of money to buy something that dies.

Chocolates? No again because she does not want to be fat.

Beauty products? Perfume? Clothes?

None of these has ever worked for me so my advice is to not be a jerk and always be wrong even if your right!

 

Get my point?