Is English so easy?

[Thomas Promise]

So You Think English Is Easy?

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> I HOPE YOUR UP TO THIS---

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> You Think English is Easy???

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> Read to the end . . . a new twist to an oldie

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> Can you read these right the first time?

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> 1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

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> 2) The farm was used to produce produce.

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> 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

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> 4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

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> 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

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> 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

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> 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

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> 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

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> 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

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> 10) I did not object to the object.

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> 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

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> 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

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> 13) They were too close to the door to close it.

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> 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

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> 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

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> 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

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> 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

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> 18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

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> 19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

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> 20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

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> Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither fromGuinea nor is it a pig.

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> And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

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> If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

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> How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

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> English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

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> PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

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> You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

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> There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

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> It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

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> We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

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> And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

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> We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. I f you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

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> When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP

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> When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP

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> One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so............ it is time to shut UP ....!

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> Oh . . . one more thing:

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> What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

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[toy_rn65]

Man Tom, this write UP must have taken UP a lot of your time to look UP!

 

If I were to saw this write UP in my ESL class 23 years ago, I would have given UP on learning English and said "UP yours"!!!

 

I like that last one too!

 

Edited December 15, 2006 by toy_rn65 (see edit history)

[chrisnhong]

English is easy to speak - badly. Even in the US, just listen to the people around you. Very few people speak it even close to perfectly. It's beauty is that it's fairly easy to speak badly and still have people understand you. It's a long slow learning curve. There are many many exceptions, yes.

 

I just love when I see a native chinese speaker being stumbling over how to write a character and I'm sure they get the same kick out of native English speakers making their own mistakes.

[Mick]

Yes, it is crazy, indeed.

 

We drive on parkways and park on driveways...

[Dennis143]

We drive a car and ride a bike? Anyway, engineers love that one.

 

Thomas' post has been circulating the internet for a while now. I've been tempted to use it on my ESL students, but figure there's no need to mess with their heads like that.

 

From what I understand, Cantonese is much like English, in that it is also filled with many expressions that are unique to it only. Expressions are so engrained in our speach that we often don't even realize it.

 

Just think of all the expressions that have our body parts in them:

He's got a big head.

She's nosey.

Lend me a hand.

Rubs me the wrong way.

Don't rub it in.

Stick your neck out.

Gave me the cold shoulder.

I got the brush off.

I'm all ears.

Bend over backwards.

 

and on and on it goes.

 

Even though our friend Mary speaks English, I will often have to explain to her what an expression means when I use it.

[papa bear]

Why do we call hot water heaters hot waterheaters hot water doesn't need to be heated.

We park in the driveway and drive on the parkway.

Radar spelt backwards is still radaR.

If Yoko Ono was married to Sonny Bono would she be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Sean Penn had 4 kids would he name them Felt Tip, Ball Point, Safety, Straight.

[phantom1949]

Cute, OK I'm smiling!!!!!

[bosco]

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

 

Sentimental?

[Carl]

When we try to teach our loved ones English it is best to remember that the English language is the result of Norman men-at-arms (who spoke mostly French) trying to make dates with Anglo-Saxon barmaids (who spoke Angles) and usually ended up getting their face slapped in the process.

 

The result was a hodgepodge of different words that somehow made sense to the both of them. English is also a language that is not above stealing words or phrases from other languages and adding them to the lexicon (hari-kari & gung ho) or create words to describe something (walkie-talkie & walkman) unlike the French who would sooner die than destroy their pure language.

 

Just imagine what we would be stuck with if the Norman men-at-arms tried to make dates with Chinese barmaids, but then again we might just be able to understand what they are talking about.

 

If you really want to confuse your SO, have her read Chaucer.

[Tony_onrock]

Here is another oldie:

 

People in other countries sometimes go out of their

way to communicate with

their English-speaking tourists.

 

Cocktail lounge in Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

 

At a Budapest zoo:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY

SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

 

Doctor's office in Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

 

Hotel in Acapulco:

THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER

SERVED HERE.

 

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner in Japan:

COOLES AND HEATES. IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF

WARM AIR IN OUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

 

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:

WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM

MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

 

Dry cleaner's in Bangkok:

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

 

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:

TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.

 

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

 

On the grounds of a private school:

NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

 

On an Athi River highway:

TAKE NOTICE - WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

 

On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

 

 

In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

 

One of the Mathare buildings:

MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

 

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:

DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WETHANDS.

 

In a Pumwani maternity ward:

NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

 

In a cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

 

 

Sign in Japanese public bath:

FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

 

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

 

Hotel notice in Tokyo:

IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO

SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTICE.

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

 

In a Tokyo bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

 

In a Bangkok temple:

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

 

 

Hotel room notice in Chiang-Mai, Thailand:

PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

 

Hotel brochure in Italy:

THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE.

IN FACT,CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

 

Hotel lobby in Bucharest:

THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT

YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

 

Hotel elevator in Paris:

PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

 

Hotel in Yugoslavia:

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB

OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

Hotel in Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian

orthodox monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET

COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

 

Hotel catering to skiers in Austria:

NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF

REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

 

Taken from a menu in Poland:

SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH

CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

 

Supermarket in Hong Kong:

FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS,

EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

 

From the "Soviet Weekly":

THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000

SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

 

In an East African newspaper:

A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

 

Hotel in Vienna:

IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

 

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING

SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

Hotel in Zurich:

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF

THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

 

A laundry in Rome:

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

 

Tourist agency in Czechoslovakia:

TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

 

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

 

In the window on a Swedish furrier:

FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.

 

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

 

In a Swiss mountain inn:

SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

 

Airline ticket office in Copenhagen:

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

[izus]

After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number