Chinese ideas of the good wife

[SheLikesME?]

What I can see in her actions is looking for a level of safety. I hope this does't come accross the wrong way, but if the older generations have this structure set up and is what she is used to, to have more say in the relationship could be frightening not knowing exactly what is to be expected being on an equal footing. Being submissive would allow you to make the hard decisions leaving her to safely follow.

In my case, Jen never really knew this type of lifestyle so she just addapted into the relationship we have now. The only guidance I see her seeking from me, is the result in feeling her way though western society. Shoot, we even had a conversation about why she has 2 rings and me only one. She still wonders on engagement, why the man also does't get a ring from the woman.

I agree to some extent, but there seems to be more to it than that. She loves to here me talk with someone at work. Sometimes I think she wants me to operate the same with her. Sometimes I feel she is treating me like she is still a manager at her work and I am a suborinate. I have to make an issue about this to get her to stop. Arguing her point she is trying to make is no good, I have to address her method of delivery. I have tols her countless times that if she is a manager again in America everyone will probably quit.

 

Don't know how much Trigg is setting his foot down over in his blogg, but I find a much more cooperative wife if I do the same. So yes some of her older generation coming out I suppose.

 

Where it gets dificult is when she switches from old to new. She seems to vasilate. She is in her late 30s and in college during that revolutionary time in the late 80s early 90s. Strong will, yet a foot in the past. She reads a lot, to learn. She is well educated and smart. She has traveled to europe. I have been with her or on the phone with her in long conversations where she has decided to give up a few traditions, like sending money to her parents, or siblings (because she makes the most). There are a few others I have heard the decision and so she has been analyzing a lot and drastically changing herself. Maybe too drastic, so she needs security from me and strength. What woman doesn't? At this point it has to do with the way I talk with her and how the visa process is handled and what I am doing to make a good income for her safety in coming here, since we are still seperated.

 

I forget sometimes that she is Chinese I suppose because she knows so much and speaks so well. Her new thinking and english and knowledge really fool me...or I forget. But I cannot keep my head in China (preferred) and do all I need to in the USA. It was easier when we first started and I had to talk slow and listen real hard to her accent. Her phrases throw me off as to the meaning sometimes too.

 

Ah, sorry I am making this about me. Let me do something else::::::::

[SheLikesME?]

1, Budgeting for trips to China was too expensive and I should have not allowed Jen to travel to China.

 

2, I should take more charge of our marriage dictating every part of what Jen does.

 

3, It is not a good idea to allow Jen to meet and become friends with other Chinese here as it would lead to her not learning English and assimilating into America.

 

4, Reguardless of expense, I should demand that we have a baby right away as this will change Jen's attitudes about many things.

 

5, Taking care of me when I am sick or injured should not be looked at as her caring for me out of love but is rather her duty as a wife.

 

6, Jen should be my subordinate not my partner.

 

7, We would have a much better chance of making it by starting our own business in China rather than staying in the United States.

 

My response was to agree with him by politley nodding my head rather than arguing about the differences in an American marriage. Will Jen and I make any changes? Naw, we seem fine as is.

Just to comment on our situation, as I see it, sorta.

1) Don't have much comment yet

2) This is what she seems to be asking for, or at least se wants more envolvement from me this way. She wants direction and maybe just plain getting scared to come to America. 3) She refuses to move to a certain neighborhood or apply for work at a Chinese company here in America. So she agrees with this 100%, unless by accident. (I think she will get homesick and need Chinese friends, but what do I know)

4) I have been thinking of this and we desired it 10 months ago. If I read between the lines, I think she wants me to do this, regardless of her career.

5) Man this is very strong with her. But it spills into a lot of duties not just sick.

6) Again she wants to now step into this role a bit. This feels like a real change to me. (Probably just needs time in USA, green card, SS#, Drivers License, car..........)

7) Nope all USA with her, but retaire in China, maybe.

 

 

Another situation for me: She fears what her classmates, back in China, will think of her if she does not land a good job here. I little bit of being acceptable to the Jone's, not necissarily competing.

[Feathers268]

SLM,

Don't worry about making a post that seems to be about you. Some of the best posts are about individuals since that is the topic they are best at, myself included. I'm sure she willfind a balance once here. It might take some time but it will happen. I actually started a thread in the Our Stories about Jen's changes over the first year here. Not everyone will be the same, but I think people don't give our ladies credit sometimes when it come to adapting and even liking their new environment.

I think it interesting about how many people talk about thier training once the wifey shows up and with the values supposed to be with the older generations it would seem the older folks would not be experiencing this.

Perhaps in most cases, Chinese women are stronger than most people give them credit for and Chinese men try to control them out of fear. I think you both will be suprised exactly how much she will actually come into her own once exposed to our American way of hinking.

[SirLancelot]

Perhaps in most cases, Chinese women are stronger than most people give them credit for and Chinese men try to control them out of fear. I think you both will be suprised exactly how much she will actually come into her own once exposed to our American way of hinking.

 

And the divorce rate is so high in the US because? You don't think American women think their American men try to control them too much? Are the divorces here because too many nice guys being too nice to women, and that's why the ladies file for divorce? Lots of generalizations spread about Chinese men on here. If the Chinese were to extrapolate from one woman married to an American wife-beater from rural Kentucky, does that mean the Chinese should assume most Americans are wife beaters?

 

I have met plenty of Chinese men who don't think in the way Jen's cousin's husband. I've seen my share of American men who actually think the way of Jen's cousin's husband.

 

Here's what Americans have to say about violence against women:

http://www.ndvh.org/press/article.php?id=96

Violence Against Women Perceived as an Increasing Problem: Six out of

ten (59%) Americans feel violence against women is worse today than it

was ten years ago. Sixty-one percent personally know a woman who has

been the victim of violence.

 

The issue of male control and dominance is plenty alive and kicking in the US. Attention need not be deflected and refocused upon Chinese men. Yes, Chinese men want control, but no more so then any men of any country.

 

Go ask a 20 year old Chinese man what he thinks about marriage and relationship. I don't think it'll be too different from an American 20 year old.

 

Go ask a 80 year old Chinese man what he thinks about marriage and relationship. I don't think it'll be so different from an 80 year old American man.

[SheLikesME?]

SLM,

Don't worry about making a post that seems to be about you. Some of the best posts are about individuals since that is the topic they are best at, myself included. I'm sure she willfind a balance once here. It might take some time but it will happen. I actually started a thread in the Our Stories about Jen's changes over the first year here. Not everyone will be the same, but I think people don't give our ladies credit sometimes when it come to adapting and even liking their new environment.

I think it interesting about how many people talk about thier training once the wifey shows up and with the values supposed to be with the older generations it would seem the older folks would not be experiencing this.

Perhaps in most cases, Chinese women are stronger than most people give them credit for and Chinese men try to control them out of fear. I think you both will be suprised exactly how much she will actually come into her own once exposed to our American way of hinking.

I have noooo doubt she will adapt and adjust and take over the world from the USA!

 

The balance will hopefully be here like it was on my visits. In the past I had a long distance girld friend in the USA. I HATED the phone conversations. In person, none of those problems there. Anyway, I am hoping for that. Both her and I are in double duty with her job and school, and my added territory. So the feel we had is not as spiritual as it was. Yet we gained a lot of understanding. In some ways it is sweeter to talk with her now.

[SheLikesME?]

Are the divorces here because too many nice guys being too nice to women, and that's why the ladies file for divorce?

 

Violence Against Women Perceived as an Increasing Problem: Six out of

ten (59%) Americans feel violence against women is worse today than it

was ten years ago. Sixty-one percent personally know a woman who has

been the victim of violence.

 

Go ask a 20 year old Chinese man what he thinks about marriage and relationship. I don't think it'll be too different from an American 20 year old.

 

Go ask a 80 year old Chinese man what he thinks about marriage and relationship. I don't think it'll be so different from an 80 year old American man.

Maybe I need to go look at your post in the other thread that started this one. I wanted to comment to something interesting. But here is my thoughts on this:::::::::

 

I think if we took a CFL poll most of us were NICE GUYS! This one was.

 

Yes as I said somewhere, men/boys have contributed greatly to women loosing their womanhood. Treat them worse than beatings.

 

Also, I was asked by MANY women in China if I beat my wife. This was the number one question. Of course spanking a child is called beating too over there.

 

I agree and so does my wife about how young people, in China, are changing to a more worldly way. But certainly it is not as bad as USA, IMHO. Depends on the individual.

Edited November 15, 2006 by SheLikesME (see edit history)

[Feathers268]

Perhaps in most cases, Chinese women are stronger than most people give them credit for and Chinese men try to control them out of fear. I think you both will be suprised exactly how much she will actually come into her own once exposed to our American way of hinking.

 

And the divorce rate is so high in the US because? You don't think American women think their American men try to control them too much? Are the divorces here because too many nice guys being too nice to women, and that's why the ladies file for divorce? Lots of generalizations spread about Chinese men on here. If the Chinese were to extrapolate from one woman married to an American wife-beater from rural Kentucky, does that mean the Chinese should assume most Americans are wife beaters?

 

I have met plenty of Chinese men who don't think in the way Jen's cousin's husband. I've seen my share of American men who actually think the way of Jen's cousin's husband.

 

Here's what Americans have to say about violence against women:

http://www.ndvh.org/press/article.php?id=96

Violence Against Women Perceived as an Increasing Problem: Six out of

ten (59%) Americans feel violence against women is worse today than it

was ten years ago. Sixty-one percent personally know a woman who has

been the victim of violence.

 

The issue of male control and dominance is plenty alive and kicking in the US. Attention need not be deflected and refocused upon Chinese men. Yes, Chinese men want control, but no more so then any men of any country.

 

Go ask a 20 year old Chinese man what he thinks about marriage and relationship. I don't think it'll be too different from an American 20 year old.

 

Go ask a 80 year old Chinese man what he thinks about marriage and relationship. I don't think it'll be so different from an 80 year old American man.

Perception and reality are two different things. If something is talked about more, people will think it is more prevalent than it is. When I had this conversation there was not a lot of "I feel" injected into his words but rather a lot of "Chinese women" and "Chinese marriage" used. Do I look at this as a blanket statement for all. Of course not but it does seem to be enough that these perseptions can exist. I don't ever remember my grandmother walking several steps behind my grandfather in public nor have I heard of hugging or kissing in public being frouned upon in public but I have heard about it here. He believed in it enough to talk to me about it, not because he is a bad person but he thinks of me as a good man and was afraid that I would loose control of Jen if I didn't take a more "Chinese" aproach. I would be willing to believe the 20 year old might be more similar but not same, but not the 80 year old.

All I know about marriage is from Jen and I. I've seen the younger generations here and the growing attitude is that if a marriage has any trouble, I'm gone. I can look to my own brother who's wife wouldn't be caught anywhere near the kitchen and if my brother was sick, he could look forward to little sympathy if any at all. These are attitudes Jen doesn't even understand. Don't get me wrong. That is not what I expect from her but she chooses to help me in those ways she can to make our household better.

Other than an attraction to Asian women, I did not actively seek out someone in China. I responded to a personals add on line that was on of very few that didn't come across as shallow but more mature and was only after that her cousin introduced me to Jen.

The feminist of the 70's have made "family" and "father" bad words in America. Again this does not speak for everyone, but enough that men in increasing numbers have looked over seas for companionship. The same feminist say it's to look for a slave and again they miss the truth of what is happening. Commitment to family is what is important and in all of my searching, I finally found it 6000 miles away.