The Truth about Chinese Women.

[Danax]

I think a lot of us went into our international relationships without much first-hand experience with Chinese women. So, if we continue with the relationship, we go from the ideas in our heads to what really is. Forgive my attempting to pigeon-hole Chinese ladies, but I'd like to express my current ideas on this subject and hear what you all think.

 

The common traits I'm getting from CFL are;

 

1) Clean freaks. I like cleanliness too but am not a stickler about it. I envision my house eventually being like a Zen temple; orderly, pure, no clutter, few possessions, beautiful, giving off a feeling of peace. Really, this is what I love and am striving for. Slippers would be great too. In the meantime though, it is a long way from that. I've got fire ants nesting in my bathroom walls spilling dirt and themselves into the shower (ow!) and I often have a mouse roaming around at night because I find droppings. I can deal with these issues calmly and will take care of them for her sake, but I hope she can have a little patience because they are part of life in an antique house. Which leads me to #2.

 

2) Hot tempered. While cleanliness and order lead to a feeling of serenity, yelling and anger destroy the same. How can I tell ahead of time if I've picked a mop slapper?

 

3) Dominant personalities. Still not sure if this is a common trait or not. I guess my original idea was of a peaceful Asian woman drinking tea with me as my loyal partner able to calmly handle life's challenges together.

 

4) Loyal. I don't want all of this to sound negative, so I still have the notion that these ladies believe in fidelity and loyalty as ideals, not just a practical ideas based on security.

 

5) Practical. Not into flowery ideas of what could be, but rather interested in dealing with the here and now.

 

Anyone else want to add to this? Again, I don't want to offend anyone and obviously we're dealing with individuals but culture and upbringing are definite factors in what makes us us. I'm just looking for more data.

Edited October 15, 2006 by Danax (see edit history)

[Robert S.]

Danax, sorry your post is not getting any traction. Gosh, it is just so broad, and kind of a think piece. You admitted you are attempting to pigeonhole, which of course can't be done.

 

My wife is not a neat freak but she loves cleanliness. She hates ants. She is not hot tempered. She is cooperative, not dominating. Loyal, yes. And practical, for example she climbs the ladder and trims the tree limbs that need it.

 

But I can't make any generalizations.

[Danax]

Danax, sorry your post is not getting any traction. Gosh, it is just so broad, and kind of a think piece. You admitted you are attempting to pigeonhole, which of course can't be done.

I know. I sort of cringed after posting it because I know they're all different, but I doubt that I'm the only one who's had these thoughts in the early stages.

 

Oh, I forgot thriftiness. I like that one.

 

Thanks for sharing that Robert. I'm also getting that these ladies don't tend to be high-maintenence types that want a walk-in closet just for their shoes and don't do windows, so to speak. Pruning trees is a good sign. I love that blend of practicality and thriftiness.

[Cerberus]

Danax, sorry your post is not getting any traction. Gosh, it is just so broad, and kind of a think piece. You admitted you are attempting to pigeonhole, which of course can't be done.

I know. I sort of cringed after posting it because I know they're all different, but I doubt that I'm the only one who's had these thoughts in the early stages.

 

Oh, I forgot thriftiness. I like that one.

 

Thanks for sharing that Robert. I'm also getting that these ladies don't tend to be high-maintenence types that want a walk-in closet just for their shoes and don't do windows, so to speak. Pruning trees is a good sign. I love that blend of practicality and thriftiness.

Danax,

 

May suggest the same as Robert? More focus. However, I personally like #1. What are your thoughts? Such as from item #1;

 

1) What is the definition of a clean freak?

2) What are the values shared by US and Chinese clean freaks?

3) What happems if I a, braoadsided by a Chinese clean freak?

4) What do I do she begins cleaning the room and then me?

 

Details man! Damnint! The forum needs details!

 

LOL

 

You have the idea my young friend! I just stopped by, to poke you in the ribs! Well, maybe in the butt too!

 

Dave

[tonado]

My opinion of Chinese women (just like any woman) is that they have very independent minds and you can't change them.

[Dennis143]

I have had the luxury of being able to compare my wife, Leiqin, to many Chinese women friends.

 

When they come to our home, they ALL comment on how clean our home is. And, Leiqin is always cleaning. Of course, being a stay-at-home wife, gives her plenty of time to clean. It's in her blood. This is how she was raised. And, not all Chinese women are clean freaks, believe me. There are many who just hate to clean. Now, as far as the FREAK thing goes, she never follows behind cleaning up after me. There is a scourging pad in our bathtub for me to use, if I should step in and leave mark. But, overall, she never complains. I suppose that's because I am fairly tidy myself.

 

Hot tempered? Leiqin is far from hot tempered. She is very even keeled and calm, mostly. Unless, I deserve her silent treatment. We have Chinese lady friends who are or can be hot tempered, however. Leiqin is the calmest and most patient woman I have been with. Where ex's were all very impatient, Leiqin will sit patiently without comment if she is ready to go and I need to finish playing my video game etc. Believe me, this is a welcome relief from the nagging, complaining.....nevermind....

 

Passive..."I follow you. You like, I like." She knows what she wants and has no fear of going after it, if need be. Again, she was raised to believe that a wife is to stay at home and care for the home. Period. She tells me that it is improper for her to leave to go visit girlfriends during the day, as that would take her away from her duties at home. I am changing this behavior and encourage her to get out and she does about once a week now.

 

Undieing loyalty. She would follow me to hell, if I wanted to go. I could do almost ANYTHING and she'd still be there by my side. I truly believe this. I will never test this, but it is the feeling and faith that I have in her that is important. Chinese women are not flirtatious and are very loyal, sometimes to a fault. Well, except for those who still have husbands in China and are keeping that a secret while they seek an American husband.

 

Very pratical. Most Chinese woman are.

 

I still believe that southern girls make the best wives and have the type of traditional values that are still taught. Things and times are changing quickly though. This is why I wanted a Guanxi woman in her 40's. I wasn't wrong.

 

Obviously, I got lucky.

[finenn]

I have had the luxury of being able to compare my wife, Leiqin, to many Chinese women friends.

 

When they come to our home, they ALL comment on how clean our home is. And, Leiqin is always cleaning. Of course, being a stay-at-home wife, gives her plenty of time to clean. It's in her blood. This is how she was raised. And, not all Chinese women are clean freaks, believe me. There are many who just hate to clean. Now, as far as the FREAK thing goes, she never follows behind cleaning up after me. There is a scourging pad in our bathtub for me to use, if I should step in and leave mark. But, overall, she never complains. I suppose that's because I am fairly tidy myself.

 

Hot tempered? Leiqin is far from hot tempered. She is very even keeled and calm, mostly. Unless, I deserve her silent treatment. We have Chinese lady friends who are or can be hot tempered, however. Leiqin is the calmest and most patient woman I have been with. Where ex's were all very impatient, Leiqin will sit patiently without comment if she is ready to go and I need to finish playing my video game etc. Believe me, this is a welcome relief from the nagging, complaining.....nevermind....

 

Passive..."I follow you. You like, I like." She knows what she wants and has no fear of going after it, if need be. Again, she was raised to believe that a wife is to stay at home and care for the home. Period. She tells me that it is improper for her to leave to go visit girlfriends during the day, as that would take her away from her duties at home. I am changing this behavior and encourage her to get out and she does about once a week now.

 

Undieing loyalty. She would follow me to hell, if I wanted to go. I could do almost ANYTHING and she'd still be there by my side. I truly believe this. I will never test this, but it is the feeling and faith that I have in her that is important. Chinese women are not flirtatious and are very loyal, sometimes to a fault. Well, except for those who still have husbands in China and are keeping that a secret while they seek an American husband.

 

Very pratical. Most Chinese woman are.

 

I still believe that southern girls make the best wives and have the type of traditional values that are still taught. Things and times are changing quickly though. This is why I wanted a Guanxi woman in her 40's. I wasn't wrong.

 

Obviously, I got lucky.

 

 

Well la de freakin da.

[Dennis143]

I have had the luxury of being able to compare my wife, Leiqin, to many Chinese women friends.

 

When they come to our home, they ALL comment on how clean our home is. And, Leiqin is always cleaning. Of course, being a stay-at-home wife, gives her plenty of time to clean. It's in her blood. This is how she was raised. And, not all Chinese women are clean freaks, believe me. There are many who just hate to clean. Now, as far as the FREAK thing goes, she never follows behind cleaning up after me. There is a scourging pad in our bathtub for me to use, if I should step in and leave mark. But, overall, she never complains. I suppose that's because I am fairly tidy myself.

 

Hot tempered? Leiqin is far from hot tempered. She is very even keeled and calm, mostly. Unless, I deserve her silent treatment. We have Chinese lady friends who are or can be hot tempered, however. Leiqin is the calmest and most patient woman I have been with. Where ex's were all very impatient, Leiqin will sit patiently without comment if she is ready to go and I need to finish playing my video game etc. Believe me, this is a welcome relief from the nagging, complaining.....nevermind....

 

Passive..."I follow you. You like, I like." She knows what she wants and has no fear of going after it, if need be. Again, she was raised to believe that a wife is to stay at home and care for the home. Period. She tells me that it is improper for her to leave to go visit girlfriends during the day, as that would take her away from her duties at home. I am changing this behavior and encourage her to get out and she does about once a week now.

 

Undieing loyalty. She would follow me to hell, if I wanted to go. I could do almost ANYTHING and she'd still be there by my side. I truly believe this. I will never test this, but it is the feeling and faith that I have in her that is important. Chinese women are not flirtatious and are very loyal, sometimes to a fault. Well, except for those who still have husbands in China and are keeping that a secret while they seek an American husband.

 

Very pratical. Most Chinese woman are.

 

I still believe that southern girls make the best wives and have the type of traditional values that are still taught. Things and times are changing quickly though. This is why I wanted a Guanxi woman in her 40's. I wasn't wrong.

 

Obviously, I got lucky.

 

 

Well la de freakin da.

I still like you anyway.

[finenn]

And I still dont care.

[david_dawei]

I think that some perceptions of the east are filtered through west eyes.. so I see some of your examples as in the right direction but a little westernize stereotyped...

 

1. Clean freaks. The only chinese lady clean freak I've head of is Tony's wife... based on how he describes her distain for the dirty...

 

To assign them as 'clean freaks' is to judge it from western standards.. they take cleanliness on a more holistic level (like most everything), so it can be both home and hygiene. But to be clean about some matters is par for the course in the east.. but one must not loose sight of the dirty environment they live amidst at times. Here's my take: They clean what they can control.. although they litter, they know someone else controls this cleanup...

 

2. Hot tempered. umm.. One has to to distinguish between anger and simply emotional expression; I would argue that they are good at showing an emotion when it surfaces and then it quickly goes away... nothing personal involved.. SO I think hot tempered is maybe not really fair.

 

3. dominate personality. Interesting that you swing from permissive to dominate.. did we at CFL do that ! I do think that a swing away from permissive is correct but dominate is also not correct. I tend to think of this issue as more to 'sure minded and confident'... they know what they want and they don't waver from it easily. As Tony said...

 

4. Loyalty. I do think their sense of loyalty to their spouse is [typically] very deep and not just security related (but from a holitistic perspective, we should throw that one part of the puzzle out). There's a deep tradition of harmony and family well being, and the fallout of losing face. I think if one is loyal to you, you don't need to question the motives of that loyalty.

 

5. Practical. I think this is their hallmark... I do think they are well centered in the 'now' but usually with a focus on some desired attainable future goal; the operative word is attainable, otherwise it would be flowery or wishful... Do what you can do now; take care if it now; finish it now.

 

----

 

A few to add:

 

modesty: A issue noted by most anyone who visits china, probably as far back as visitors have gone. Even in Japan, self-assertion was at one time almost unthinkable and considered a vice. Covering their mouth when they laugh; covering their hand when they use a toothpick, etc.

 

sexuality: My guess is that they are less consumed with sexual issues than in the west.. seems to tie to modesty on some level. And there are fewer hangups over same-sex friends; friends are friends. Not as many hangups about their own body; no problem telling each other they look fat...

 

 

I think there are others, but which maybe really are common to most in china.. desire for harmony, reverence/care for elders, family traditions...

 

I know some feel that women are women.. and I understand the point of that, but do believe they are cultural factors which do make them the way they are...

 

reminds me of the daoist saying which I think applies to the chinese in general:

 

"When the higher type hears of the dao, they diligently practice it; when the average type hears of the dao, they half believe it; when the lower type hear of the dao, they heartily laugh at it. If they did not laugh at it, it would not be the dao".

[SheLikesME?]

I think the simplist way to descrie them is more like your MOm or life back in the 50's or I think much earlier than that in America.

 

I wonder about the diferences in ladies higher educated and higher paying job vs those who don't. I see some patterns between my wife and isuz and one other I can't rememebr the name right now. At least the issues I deal with seem similar. Those whos wife is learning english have similar issues. I havn't got too deep into that but I see it.

 

Temper. Hmm Well my wife can sit so much and not have an opinion about things like Dennis said. Also she does not like to get bored and wants to learn and do. Our only struggle has been the fact my house is not paid for. It is not an issue to break up over, but this issue has urgency with it. I posted already.

 

Clean about certain things yes. I was wondering why she doesnt make me rake the skin off my unit, like I must do with my back? There that long green scratch pad she got me for my back hung on the shower head today and I wondered. I use it maybe once a week. When in China I see her scrub herself and how she can tell if it is clean or not by feel surprises me. She makes me make red marks on her back scrubing so hard. Yet her skin is beautiful later.

 

When the house gets about the same messy that might bother me she gets all fowled up and wants it done now. I really don't think her house cleaning methods are all that great but it makes the place look nice and she just can't stand it otherwise.

 

At night something in the kitchen or bathroom stinks to high heaven. Can't do anything about it, so she has no worry.

 

Later gotta go

[Danax]

Thank you all for the data. The qualities mentioned sound like good ones to me. Modesty, loyalty....I'm right there. The others I say to myself that I like, but have yet to actually take to heart myself, like thrift, cleanliness, doing as opposed to planning, being practical...........I guess this is where the training comes in

[SheLikesME?]

I don't know about the others but I would say a daily big thing is the energy level of our ladies. Men too probably. They start early and end late. I get so wore out I guess it keeps me tame at night.

 

I have a feeling that there may be some real adjustments because of this. However if we go shoping we seem to tire about the same time. That was good to know. But she needs less sleep than I do. Also the push to achieve things. If you keep that in mind on a lot of the posts, then maybe that will help.

 

When I go over on business I get wore out. Maybe get 5 hours of sleep. So the wife and 7 hours is much better.

[tonado]

Chinese women love to open windows even when temperature is below 40 degrees. They need fresh air.

[david_dawei]

actually the comment I forget to mention was that the original post had the word "truth" and "chinese" in the same sentence.. even Dan should hopefully back me up on this.. this could be a oxymoronic phrase at best.

 

Truth is a relative issue with the chinese, like ethics... Almost like the joke we would tell while playing a sport on the playground, "no blood, no foul"... in their case, "no ethic, no wrong".... At times it seems ethics are nonsensical and it's just the daily grind one is doing...

 

---

 

I'll add to the list a general idea of "role play" that each individual is engaged in, whether they realize it or not.. so women have their role.

 

I think that a strong sense of harmony is paramount to chinese culture and while this is general to all, the woman will certainly do their gender role in support of this concept...