Prenup's

[Guest pushbrk]

You guys have more information and have been so willing to help.?I feel like I am high maintenance.?Especially to you--David.?I have talked to the SO after taking all the advice on numerous subjects and things are great.

 

This prenup thing is kind of an interesting deal.?My attorney is a Chinese man and before he took my case he strongly suggested that I do one.?I am not rich by any means but have some investments and property.?Also I live in a community property state.?Any thoughts on this??I am kind of uncomfortable about it.?I really trust my SO that much.

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Another two cents........

 

Bill, I can certainly sympathize with you. It seems as though you have had some bad experiences in the past with divorce settlements, your father. Perhaps you also felt "extorted" by your SO's family for a dowry although this is Chinese custom to some degree. Our actions are sometimes predicated on our past experiences. Only you know your SO and the situation at hand so you must make this choice.

 

Many excellent points were made previously such as your financial responsibilities required by the Affidavit of Support. It is also true that the "meter only starts running" after you are married when it comes to division of property.

 

But I would agree with most others in advising that you must have a good understanding with your SO about this before you go any further down the Visa road. I know that my SO does not like surprises and she would be very angry and hurt to have this put on her after she arrives. Open and honest communication is the foundation of a good marriage and even though we struggle sometimes with our SOs because of the language and cultural differences, we should always go the extra mile with each other to make our thoughts and feelings be understood. Good Luck!

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Gman,

 

Thank you for that post. My affidavit of support does not come into play I don't think. About when "the meter starts running" ---that is where I am confused. If you are right a prenup is probably still wise for me but I will not even go there. I will inherit a significant amount of money and some that is in trust right now. I am willing to lay all of that on the line and it is more than I currently have.

 

In my situation, it was best not to disclose my situation or assets to China. My SO is my first true love, although I have loved many. I have never married and had never truly loved someone. My SO is going to be in a wonderful situation with or without a prenup. My family loves and trusts her and they also have agreed and are shocked at everything I have done to make all of this happen. In no way do they believe that I should discuss this with her before she gets here. I have very strong reasons and all of you would agree with me. Even if it means that all think I should not ask for a prenup.

 

I got what I needed here. One day I will share more. No prenupt is in order for me. I may regret it but I don't think it will matter.

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Refraining from disclosing potential inheritances or all the details of assets beyond what is required to assure her that she will be well taken care of, is neither unethical or otherwise inadviseable, IMO.

 

A prenup sprung on her AFTER a proposal (rendering it conditional) is an entirely different story.

 

Pleasant surprises are usually good things.

 

For instance, I haven't got a clue what my wife might inherit at some point and that goes both ways.

[david_dawei]

Bill,

 

once again. Welcome to CFL... glad your here.

 

[rogerluli]

Bill, I have no knowledge of Georgia divorce law. What you state may be totally correct. But almost everyone here, whatever their personal feelings about prenups, has said the same thing...Your SO has to know and understand this BEFORE she comes. I am afraid you would just be opening yourself up to a world of hurt to spring it on her AFTER she is here even if, as you say, it would be optional for her to sign.

[bill23]

It is an interesting topic. Hubby and me have talked about this a lot on the phone. I'm glad we always have the same thoughts. We are really one!

If my husband asked me sign this agreement before we got married, I would sign without any hesitation. But this would hurt my pride. and I would't share my assets with him either. I don't think this is a good beginning of a new life.

I believe it is better to tell your SO before she leaving china. If you think she is your missing half and want to share the rest of your life with her,why don't you ask for her opinion about this issue?

Bobby's wife Emma

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Sleepless,

 

Thank you for that story. It does really help.

 

David,

 

I am glad to be here.

 

 

I am absorbing all of this. I unfortunately do not have the ability to guarantee myself that my SO and I can communicate effectively in discussing this. I cannot do that to her. When I decided this, I also decided the prenup was not a condition to our marriage. I could never explain the complexities of my financial situation unless she were here. Her family contributed to her "losing face" with me. As much as it hurt me--it also hurt her. She is terrified at the thought of me not trusting her again. It was a huge blow to us. To this day she has never explained it, but she pleaded with me and has since shown me by ACTIONS that no one will interfere or pressure her again.

 

Family is a very powerful thing. I think discussing this accurately with her is impossible as long as she is in china. The act of her signing it I don't see being a problem for her. This would scar her right now while she is in China. Damn this is all hard to explain. And absolutely none of the troubles that I have had concerning her have to with this prenup.

 

Like I said, I got the answers that I was looking to get. The absolute last thing I want is to hurt her. What I learned is that all the females would be offended at this at the last minute, under all circumstances. My Chinese friend did the K-3 and I have talked at length about this with his family. They are very traditional Chinese. They do not see a problem but they also do not see my SO as most of you do. Quite frankly, I have learned more here. I will tell the attorney that I am not doing it. I don't feel comfortable either way. I definitely don't feel comfortable discussing this through an interpreter when we have not seen each other in 6 months. It will only open an old wound.

[Kalli and Greg Oveson]

It is an interesting topic. Hubby and me have talked about this a lot on the phone. I'm glad we always have the same thoughts. We are really one!

If my husband asked me sign this agreement before we got married, I would sign without any hesitation. But this would hurt my pride. and I would't share my assets with him either. I don't think this is a good beginning of a new life.

I believe it is better to tell your SO before she leaving china. If you think she is your missing half and want to share the rest of your life with her,why don't you ask for her opinion about this issue?

Bobby's wife Emma

232559[/snapback]

Sleepless,

 

Thank you for that story. It does really help.

 

David,

 

I am glad to be here.

 

 

I am absorbing all of this. I unfortunately do not have the ability to guarantee myself that my SO and I can communicate effectively in discussing this. I cannot do that to her. When I decided this, I also decided the prenup was not a condition to our marriage. I could never explain the complexities of my financial situation unless she were here. Her family contributed to her "losing face" with me. As much as it hurt me--it also hurt her. She is terrified at the thought of me not trusting her again. It was a huge blow to us. To this day she has never explained it, but she pleaded with me and has since shown me by ACTIONS that no one will interfere or pressure her again.

 

Family is a very powerful thing. I think discussing this accurately with her is impossible as long as she is in china. The act of her signing it I don't see being a problem for her. This would scar her right now while she is in China. Damn this is all hard to explain. And absolutely none of the troubles that I have had concerning her have to with this prenup.

 

Like I said, I got the answers that I was looking to get. The absolute last thing I want is to hurt her. What I learned is that all the females would be offended at this at the last minute, under all circumstances. My Chinese friend did the K-3 and I have talked at length about this with his family. They are very traditional Chinese. They do not see a problem but they also do not see my SO as most of you do. Quite frankly, I have learned more here. I will tell the attorney that I am not doing it. I don't feel comfortable either way. I definitely don't feel comfortable discussing this through an interpreter when we have not seen each other in 6 months. It will only open an old wound.

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One of the better feelings one can have (other than that other one), is knowing they have found the solution to a problem and that they like the solution they found.

[bill23]

"One of the better feelings one can have (other than that other one), is knowing they have found the solution to a problem and that they like the solution they found. "

 

HaHaHa! I found my solution and I accept it. I can't say I am in love with it yet. Let's just hope my journey bears fruit and I don't endure one of those horror stories that I have read about. I could just assume my belief that my relationship will be near perfect. I am relieved that I made a decision and I do have much faith in my SO.

[david_dawei]

"One of the better feelings one can have (other than that other one), is knowing they have found the solution to a problem and that they like the solution they found. "

 

HaHaHa!  I found my solution and I accept it.  I can't say I am in love with it yet.  Let's just hope my journey bears fruit and I don't endure one of those horror stories that I have read about.  I could just assume my belief that my relationship will be near perfect.  I am relieved that I made a decision and I do have much faith in my SO.

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honestly... you don't owe us a decision nor an answer.

 

This is a personal matter... I would advise you to just think on it for a while. There's many perspectives and we only know what you tell us.

 

Also, there's ways to show your SO that you plan to take care of her monetarily, so that security on some level is felt for the rest of her life...

 

My wife and I went to a fanancial planner to discuss savings, investments, life insurance, etc... This was a real eye opener to my wife in terms of long term security.

 

Although a pre-nup is a form of distributing assets [for her monetary security] in a contractual way, the other mentioned items are as well but done with more control by both parties.

[bill23]

David,

 

I will mull it over. I think my SO will be financially responsible. Ultimately she will be pleased no matter what I decide to do. That is what our secret is. She really wants to make me happy and my mission in life is to make her happy. It is easy to say when you don't live together everyday. I have been preached to by married guys for a long time about the realities of marriage. My plan is for it to be a little different.

[skibum]

Bill,

 

I have never worried about a prenup as I make it a habit to always live in a state with fair divorce laws. I have been divorced twice - once in Tx and once in Co. In both cases the assets that we aquired while married were divided up evenly which I think is the fairest way. As a matter of fact, in both cases we both used the same lawyer!

After my present wife and I were married, I put everything as joint owner with her. This will not affect anything in case of divorce but will assure us both that she will be able to survive if I should die.

She has told me of her assets in China and her father has said he would give their condo to me! Means nothing except that he likes me - it is in her parents name and her name. They kind of over see her money there and raise he-- when she wants to buy more stock. But everyone is happy and that is what counts in the long run.

I do think that you should discuss it with her before she commits to come here if you decide you want one. Good luck.

 

P.S. You will never catch me living in Ca.

[jim_julian]

I really, really hate to see a thread on prenups - even if this one hasn't spun out of control just yet.

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Don ... I was resonating with you 100% until I got to your last line. This puzzles me.

 

I guess I don't understand why a reasoned discussion on this issue would upset you. I think the thread, thus far, has been pretty reasonable and non-judgemental. In my view that's a good thing.

 

I am a little bit surprised that I seem to be the only one to 'fess up that he has a pre-nup.

 

It's your board ... you are a great guy and we are forever in your debt for the very positive things that happen because you care enough to keep CFL rolling ... if you don't want us to discuss this just let us know.

[egolessvegan]

................Why would anyone who claims to be in love insist on a prenup? Whether we are rich or poor or somewhere in between, it sends out the same message. I DO NOT TRUST YOU!

 

KEN

[david_dawei]

I really, really hate to see a thread on prenups - even if this one hasn't spun out of control just yet.

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Don ... I was resonating with you 100% until I got to your last line. This puzzles me.

 

I guess I don't understand why a reasoned discussion on this issue would upset you. I think the thread, thus far, has been pretty reasonable and non-judgemental. In my view that's a good thing.

 

I am a little bit surprised that I seem to be the only one to 'fess up that he has a pre-nup.

 

It's your board ... you are a great guy and we are forever in your debt for the very positive things that happen because you care enough to keep CFL rolling ... if you don't want us to discuss this just let us know.

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Pre-nup discussion (or debate) can easily get to heated sides... like a political or religious topic... I think the message is that this one has been fairly calm [so far].. as you say, reasoned discussed has been the rule for the most part.

 

I'm also surprised your the only other voice for it... but maybe more will speak up or they already feel outnumbered

[david_dawei]

................Why would anyone who claims to be in love insist on a prenup? Whether we are rich or poor or somewhere in between, it sends out the same message. I DO NOT TRUST YOU!

 

KEN

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you forgot to add: THIS IS MY OPINION

[egolessvegan]

................Why would anyone who claims to be in love insist on a prenup? Whether we are rich or poor or somewhere in between, it sends out the same message. I DO NOT TRUST YOU!

 

KEN

232682[/snapback]

you forgot to add: THIS IS MY OPINION

232690[/snapback]

David:

 

Let me add this is only my humble opinion and not based on facts. Thanks for covering my back.

 

Ken

[bill23]

One of the reasons that this thread has been reasonable is because I am not looking to hear what I want to hear. I am fighting no one. Prenup's are not always solely around trust. Do you think a lot of people get married and not trust their SO's? I am 37 years old and never married. It is not because I am different but it is because I never loved anyone enough. As I have gotten older I have changed.

 

I am not in delusions that I have spent approx. 3 weeks with my fiance although we have been together for a long long time. The prenupt does not have anything to do with trust. I totally understand the repurcussions of deciding to do something unique like this. I am not just marrying someone. I am marrying a culture.

 

My SO is leaving her country and family and I have so much respect for that. In any circumstance, I want her to have a life HERE. I have my reasons and they are justified. A prenupt can be positive instead of negative. That may sound crazy but if you truly love someone and yourself and family it is true. Each of our situations is very different. Only I know how much I love my SO. I can do everything I can to make my marriage work---it does not change all of the possibilities. The prenupt I was considering protects me somewhat. It also shows her how much I am committed to her and her family.