Why do they go for so long?

[Dan R]

.......Trigg:

I have a special numerical equation that is only known to I. At this time I cannot divulge this information. For a price I might be willing to bend my principles.

Ken

226470[/snapback]

Oh sure Ken--but are you using the new math??? My calculating goes something like this--

 

Actual time needed for wifey to say hello to all her family=2 weeks

 

Time needed for me to enjoy Vegas=1 week

 

Time needed for me to recover from vegas=1 week

 

Time needed to find 4 person house cleaning crew=1 week

 

Time needed for crew to shovel out most of my mess=1 week

 

Total vacation time for wife=6 weeks

 

Total time for me to heal after she sees house and depleted checkbook=LONG LONG TIME

 

So you see that not only is 6 weeks not too long, It is essential!!

226473[/snapback]

Trigg: I will reassess my calculations and consult with my mentor Professor Irwin Corey and then report back to you.

 

Ken

226474[/snapback]

Ken Trigg is just trying to sway you with Triglogic. Don't give in. Keep your system and market it. If you go with Triglogic you will find a consulting bill in your email I'm sure. Read the post again, Trigg needs any means possible to raise money and avoid a mop slap that will make history.

226477[/snapback]

Trigg:

 

Because of the unusual circumstances of this matter I will be forced to bring in another specialist in this field. The one and only Soupy Sales.

 

Ken

226478[/snapback]

Not the one and only SOUPY!!!!

[Dan R]

.......Trigg:

I have a special numerical equation that is only known to I. At this time I cannot divulge this information. For a price I might be willing to bend my principles.

Ken

226470[/snapback]

Oh sure Ken--but are you using the new math??? My calculating goes something like this--

 

Actual time needed for wifey to say hello to all her family=2 weeks

 

Time needed for me to enjoy Vegas=1 week

 

Time needed for me to recover from vegas=1 week

 

Time needed to find 4 person house cleaning crew=1 week

 

Time needed for crew to shovel out most of my mess=1 week

 

Total vacation time for wife=6 weeks

 

Total time for me to heal after she sees house and depleted checkbook=LONG LONG TIME

 

So you see that not only is 6 weeks not too long, It is essential!!

226473[/snapback]

Trigg: I will reassess my calculations and consult with my mentor Professor Irwin Corey and then report back to you.

 

Ken

226474[/snapback]

Ken Trigg is just trying to sway you with Triglogic. Don't give in. Keep your system and market it. If you go with Triglogic you will find a consulting bill in your email I'm sure. Read the post again, Trigg needs any means possible to raise money and avoid a mop slap that will make history.

226477[/snapback]

Well DUH Dan!! Of course I'm trying to cover my oversize hiney. Oh, did I mention that wifey flies into LA on the 11th too late to catch a flight home. I told her i booked her a nice suit at the hotel Dan and I hired her a chauffeur to pick her up at the airport ant carry her half ton bags via Danny's skycap and goat skinning services??????

226479[/snapback]

No problem Trigg. In true Chinese fashion we always have room to put up a friend or two over night. (I hope the carpet doesn't make too soft a bed).

[Trigg]

.......Trigg:

I have a special numerical equation that is only known to I. At this time I cannot divulge this information. For a price I might be willing to bend my principles.

Ken

226470[/snapback]

Oh sure Ken--but are you using the new math??? My calculating goes something like this--

 

Actual time needed for wifey to say hello to all her family=2 weeks

 

Time needed for me to enjoy Vegas=1 week

 

Time needed for me to recover from vegas=1 week

 

Time needed to find 4 person house cleaning crew=1 week

 

Time needed for crew to shovel out most of my mess=1 week

 

Total vacation time for wife=6 weeks

 

Total time for me to heal after she sees house and depleted checkbook=LONG LONG TIME

 

So you see that not only is 6 weeks not too long, It is essential!!

226473[/snapback]

Trigg: I will reassess my calculations and consult with my mentor Professor Irwin Corey and then report back to you.

 

Ken

226474[/snapback]

Ken Trigg is just trying to sway you with Triglogic. Don't give in. Keep your system and market it. If you go with Triglogic you will find a consulting bill in your email I'm sure. Read the post again, Trigg needs any means possible to raise money and avoid a mop slap that will make history.

226477[/snapback]

Well DUH Dan!! Of course I'm trying to cover my oversize hiney. Oh, did I mention that wifey flies into LA on the 11th too late to catch a flight home. I told her i booked her a nice suit at the hotel Dan and I hired her a chauffeur to pick her up at the airport ant carry her half ton bags via Danny's skycap and goat skinning services??????

226479[/snapback]

No problem Trigg. In true Chinese fashion we always have room to put up a friend or two over night. (I hope the carpet doesn't make too soft a bed).

226482[/snapback]

Cool!! She'll have the mortgage book with her too. i'm sure you will take care of it for me.

 

Dayum, my first day posting again and I've already managed to hijack a thread and piss off the mod squad!! WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I'M BACK!!!

[Dan R]

.......Trigg:

I have a special numerical equation that is only known to I. At this time I cannot divulge this information. For a price I might be willing to bend my principles.

Ken

226470[/snapback]

Oh sure Ken--but are you using the new math??? My calculating goes something like this--

 

Actual time needed for wifey to say hello to all her family=2 weeks

 

Time needed for me to enjoy Vegas=1 week

 

Time needed for me to recover from vegas=1 week

 

Time needed to find 4 person house cleaning crew=1 week

 

Time needed for crew to shovel out most of my mess=1 week

 

Total vacation time for wife=6 weeks

 

Total time for me to heal after she sees house and depleted checkbook=LONG LONG TIME

 

So you see that not only is 6 weeks not too long, It is essential!!

226473[/snapback]

Trigg: I will reassess my calculations and consult with my mentor Professor Irwin Corey and then report back to you.

 

Ken

226474[/snapback]

Ken Trigg is just trying to sway you with Triglogic. Don't give in. Keep your system and market it. If you go with Triglogic you will find a consulting bill in your email I'm sure. Read the post again, Trigg needs any means possible to raise money and avoid a mop slap that will make history.

226477[/snapback]

Well DUH Dan!! Of course I'm trying to cover my oversize hiney. Oh, did I mention that wifey flies into LA on the 11th too late to catch a flight home. I told her i booked her a nice suit at the hotel Dan and I hired her a chauffeur to pick her up at the airport ant carry her half ton bags via Danny's skycap and goat skinning services??????

226479[/snapback]

No problem Trigg. In true Chinese fashion we always have room to put up a friend or two over night. (I hope the carpet doesn't make too soft a bed).

226482[/snapback]

Cool!! She'll have the mortgage book with her too. i'm sure you will take care of it for me.

 

Dayum, my first day posting again and I've already managed to hijack a thread and piss off the mod squad!! WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I'M BACK!!!

226487[/snapback]

[david_dawei]

Our egos aside, does anyone honestly feel months of seperation is appropriate.

226444[/snapback]

This seems to turn the topic to a more ethical issue... that's where I see it taking a wrong turn.

 

If the lady is comfortable with it and the man is not, then maybe the man needs to evaluate himself to figure out why... seems a personal issue (possibly ego) cannot let go of something or maybe dependent on something...

[egolessvegan]

Our egos aside, does anyone honestly feel months of seperation is appropriate.

226444[/snapback]

This seems to turn the topic to a more ethical issue... that's where I see it taking a wrong turn.

 

If the lady is comfortable with it and the man is not, then maybe the man needs to evaluate himself to figure out why... seems a personal issue (possibly ego) cannot let go of something or maybe dependent on something...

226494[/snapback]

David:

It all depends if we are taking the ME approach or the WE approach.

Ken

[A Mafan]

Our egos aside, does anyone honestly feel months of seperation is appropriate.

226444[/snapback]

This seems to turn the topic to a more ethical issue... that's where I see it taking a wrong turn.

 

If the lady is comfortable with it and the man is not, then maybe the man needs to evaluate himself to figure out why... seems a personal issue (possibly ego) cannot let go of something or maybe dependent on something...

226494[/snapback]

David:

It all depends if we are taking the ME approach or the WE approach.

Ken

226531[/snapback]

Which also applies to the decision of "how long is long enough". Is that decision ME or WE?

[LeeFisher3]

Our egos aside, does anyone honestly feel months of seperation is appropriate.

226444[/snapback]

This seems to turn the topic to a more ethical issue... that's where I see it taking a wrong turn.

 

If the lady is comfortable with it and the man is not, then maybe the man needs to evaluate himself to figure out why... seems a personal issue (possibly ego) cannot let go of something or maybe dependent on something...

226494[/snapback]

David:

It all depends if we are taking the ME approach or the WE approach.

Ken

226531[/snapback]

Which also applies to the decision of "how long is long enough". Is that decision ME or WE?

226532[/snapback]

[Dan R]

I don't think it is a me or we question. It is strictly a matter of practicality and the needs of the visit.

 

Many are away from home for the longest they have ever been. There are things that must be taken care of in addition to the family/friend obligations.

 

I see no reason to consider this abandoning the marriage by being away so long. That would center on intent. Perhaps this whole discussion should center on the intent for being away so long. Anyway what is long?

 

All of this is relative and differs case by case. Some must take care of property or business. Then there is the family and friends. Some may feel more comfortable (relieved at not paying U.S. medical costs) visiting family doctors and dentists. There are many familiar things to be done and in a familiar language where they can feel in control again.

 

The time frame is irrelevant! It is what you and your spouse feel comfortable with. Discuss it together and arrive at what you both can deal with.

 

In an international intercultural marriage you can't just fit things nicely into a single faith, culture, nationality marriage where each holiday you must decide whose parents to be with.

[SheLikesME?]

I don't have this problem yet, but I have a great concern. My wife more or less left her family behind with higher education and moving to Beijing so she did not have to join the party or bribe an employer for a job. Yet of course she dearly loves her family. I can say frankly that for the holidays she feels the pressure to attend her family reunions as much as the pleasure of it. Yet there are other pressures (namely parent support, when they don't need it) she wanted to dismiss and now has my ways as an excuse to do so. She now feels free to focus on building a family with me and not worrying about all her family and friends left behind. They are doing well enough she says.

 

I see her not going back for years, depending on her job, if she gets one. I am the one who worried about her missing family, friends, country, food, & etc., too much at first but see it is not that important in her disciplined ways.

 

My only concern will come if she has career oportunities that would require us living in different cities. Her parents did it. This is one of the areas of gentle persuasion and working hard now so she feels little need for her own career as a necesity.

 

So I guess I see both sides of the discussion here and apreciate both sides.

[Dennis143]

I hate it when I post something and think that it sounds like self-aggrandizement (self-endorsement or importance). So, please pardon me. But, when I hear groans of your loved one returning to her family, for even a month or two provokes much thought within me. I know that we all take and make these choices as very personal to us. Here's my personal reasoning...

 

From the first time I met my wife and I learned how her first husband died suddenly and she was left to fend for a life of her own here in the US and how it had been 5 years since she left China, I made it my goal to send her back home this year.

 

We are hopeful that we will receive her Green Card soon and I will then book a flight for her to return for one month. She is reluctant to be away from me for such a long time. But, I know that any time shorter than a month will be a disservice to her and her family. Her mother is 86 years old. Leiqin may never see her mother again. Yes, I will miss her while she is gone, but knowing the joy that this will bring her and her family makes me realize and know that my loss is insignificant to what she and her family have endured and how much happiness her visit will bring them.

 

And, truly, her and her families happiness are what is most important to me.

 

 

 

 

(Again, please pardon me, if I'm sounding like some saint. But, this is truly how I feel about this subject.)

Edited June 27, 2006 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[SheLikesME?]

Dennis I would not feel self-aggrandizement, as most of us would probably do the same it seems. I argued with her that she will miss China very much and will want to visit. She started off talking like she will not return for years. (Somehow the above did not post, or something like it)

 

Anyway because of the pressure of not having a house paid for in the USA, and I almost did a few years ago, she feels she must have a career beside mine. She hopes to have a job with trips to China, or have to live there periodically. Instead I am making the moves I need to to get us in a better situation. Even my ex out of the blue wants to give me her house I bought for her just before the divorce. Go figure that one. So maybe I can relieve her mind about all of this. The bottom line is to make your wife comfortable.

 

But, I tell you I have to play this both ways because I travel for a living, which is not always the best situation, and if she travels, well I may ask her to change jobs if it gets in the way of family things, especially her daughter. She just can't farm kids out in the USA like they do over there. Hopefully she will not feel she must work when she gets here. Then it is up to her when she visits, within reason and for good reasons. I just don't want to get stuck in a situation my wife's parents were in where they had to work in separate cities for years. Her brother and his wife do this now. She has her daughter at her sister’s house while she is doing the MBA thingy. I know this is a bit of a different subject but that is what applies to me and I have to step in and voice some objection in order to keep the family together on a regular basis. Her upbringing allowed for a lot of separation and I have expressed a desire to keep us together on a more regular basis. Even she expresses a desire to learn my ways in this respect.

 

So we all have different situations to deal with, thus I respect some of what the self-labeled opposition has to say. Overall I am with you on what you just posted and hey my wife will probably not get a job that takes her to china a lot, if at all, and she will be here for years without a return visit, she has remarked. So if that is the reality I may have to kick her out of the house to go visit China. Of course I will want to go too, for part of the trip anyway.

Edited June 27, 2006 by SheLikesME (see edit history)

[Guest pushbrk]

I hate it when I post something and think that it sounds like self-aggrandizement (self-endorsement or importance).  So, please pardon me.  But, when I hear groans of your loved one returning to her family, for even a month or two provokes much thought within me.  I know that we all take and make these choices as very personal to us.  Here's my personal reasoning...

 

From the first time I met my wife and I learned how her first husband died suddenly and she was left to fend for a life of her own here in the US and how it had been 5 years since she left China, I made it my goal to send her back home this year.

 

We are hopeful that we will receive her Green Card soon and I will then book a flight for her to return for one month.  She is reluctant to be away from me for such a long time.  But, I know that any time shorter than a month will be a disservice to her and her family.  Her mother is 86 years old.  Leiqin may never see her mother again.  Yes, I will miss her while she is gone, but knowing the joy that this will bring her and her family makes me realize and know that my loss is insignificant to what she and her family have endured and how much happiness her visit will bring them.

 

And, truly, her and her families happiness are what is most important to me.

 

 

 

 

(Again, please pardon me, if I'm sounding like some saint.  But, this is truly how I feel about this subject.)

226941[/snapback]

Every situation is different, Dennis. IMO, you're not "being a saint". You're being a "MAN" and a "HUSBAND".

[Joanne]

It is a good topic, Dennis.

 

I still remember the first time my husband and I being away from each other for more than a couple of weeks, being married for 6 years. That was when I was offered an opportunity to teach in Macau for 9 months (one academic year). I went because it would be a good resume building experience and it would pay well. We managed to arrange a few visits during the 9 months. Looking back, it seems to be nothing now, but at the time, it was a difficult decision.

 

Now to think of the question, the appropriate length of seperation time, I don't have an answer. It depends on a lot of various factors. However, in general, it is more common in China that married couples don't live in the same city for years at a time. Even when I graduated from university in mid 80s, our jobs were assigned. We get to list the top three favorite city/towns we would like to work in, but the final decision is all done by the school officials. Only in the recent ten year or so, young people get the opportunities (or bear the burden) of finding their own jobs. My point is that Chinese people might be a little less sensitive about the length of seperation.

 

From my own experience, I feel that 4 months would be close to my upper limit.

Edited June 28, 2006 by Joanne (see edit history)