Advice please

[Goku]

I would appreciate some guidance here.  I met my wife in 2002 in China, she was my student at first and then after she no longer was we dated.  We had lived together in China the 14 months leading up to her K-1 visa and are now in the USA (for 6 months). I am concerened as she tells no one we are married, outside of those necessary for her green card (she is now in conditional status).  She receives emails from friend's in China asking what's new; no mention of being married or being in the USA.  She used to claim it was because she was embarassed being with her former teacher, not a valid excuse to me as most of these emails from friends are pre or post college so they have no idea about our former status as teacher/student.  I have asked her about this repeatedly but receive no valid answer, if one at all.  Any idea what is going on here?  Thank you

226055[/snapback]

Understand exactly what you mean.Not so hard to undertstand

some one don't go around saying I/m married, thats not a bad

thing when it comes to thier same gender, or maybe something

to do with culture.(that though just can't see).Don't know if you

have this problem to with the male friends, in real life or the ones

on the internet.In a way this is whats said.

 

If I tell them they will leave me a mile away.

Maybe your even told yes maybe I did tell

one or two I am married and the next thing

she says.I was asked if I would leave them all now?

 

Don't know if you have had this same thing.

But would love to know why this is so.

If it's realy a culture thing, just can't see that.

Not from real husbands point of view.

Whats it matter the country you come from?

[Tom & Jen]

I hope I can help more than hurt. But here goes. I'm mostly Chinese by blood, born and raised in Thailand until I was 11, lived here since then (I'm 44). So I do feel that I have lived and understand both cultures. In Thailand, a husband and wife will virtually never say "I love you". The phrase actually sounds very awkward to hear and say in Thai. Also in Thailand people refer to everyone else as uncle, aunt, older sibling (brothers and sisters are commonly referred to by their age relationship to you rather than their sex), grandma, etc. A common name for a wife to use when she calls her husband is older sibling (usually the husband is older).

 

About 10 years ago, I was in a serious relationship with a woman from Hong Kong (we're about the same age, she came here when she was 18). We almost got married. The main thing that ate at our relationship was she would virtually show no affection toward me when we are in public in our town. She would treat me like a "friend". But she would be so affectionate if we are on travel or alone. Many of times she would start to say something to me like "Hone.." and caught herself before she finished the "y" and immediately look to see if her daughter or parents or other people around heard her say "Honey". We talked about how this "two lives" hurts me and how I can't and don't want to live this two lives. She always tells me that she is so deeply ashamed of her divorce. She went to an all girl Catholic school in Hong Kong, goes to Catholic Church every Sunday, her parents have been married forever. Divorce is just an unheard of thing. She asked me to give her time. I had thought I could, and toward the end of our 3 year relationship, she was starting to get better. But the problem ate away at our relationship and we went our separate ways. Maybe I was weak, but regardless, I felt in my heart I could not continue to live that relationship for the rest of my life. I know she truly loved me and I truly loved her. Again, maybe I was too weak to handle the problem. So the root of our problem (maybe only MY problem) was she was so ashame of her divorce. I think that there is a root to your problem.

 

My advice to you is look into your heart and ask yourself is this something you can live with for the rest of your life. You will need to weigh everything else in your relationship of course. If she will not talk to you about it, I think that is a problem. Fundamentally, I don't think she can change much, or it will take a long time to change. The problem may be a cultural belief that you and/or her don't truly understand why it is a problem for the other person. You really need to ask yourself if this problem hurts you enough that it eats away at your feelings for her and cause you to resent her.

 

I wish you two the best!

[SheLikesME?]

I like some of the comments here. I cannot relate much to this but realize I did have a few things similar.

 

My wife had some things she kept so totaly secret, because they bothered her real bad. One was an investment with her ex that went down, there are some others. I was patient but persistent in finding out what these huge dark terrible things were, when the time was right and she knew me better. Once out, and it was dificult at first, she felt better she discovered. Now she tends to tell me things ahead of time that she thinks I may be uncomfortable with, or she is. She says she wants to be able to tell me anything. So OK. And now the investment is back and she got all her money back.

 

At work there are people that don't even know she got a divorce years ago. No one at her job knows about me, but then she worked on military things and had a classification. She might lose her job if they knew about me. Around her office building is where she will not even walk by my side.

[A Mafan]

I like some of the comments here.  I cannot relate much to this but realize I did have a few things similar.

 

My wife had some things she kept so totaly secret, because they bothered her real bad.  One was an investment with her ex that went down, there are some others.  I was patient but persistent in finding out what these huge dark terrible things were, when the time was right and she knew me better.  Once out, and it was dificult at first, she felt better she discovered.  Now she tends to tell me things ahead of time that she thinks I may be uncomfortable with, or she is.  She says she wants to be able to tell me anything.  So OK.  And now the investment is back and she got all her money back.

 

At work there are people that don't even know she got a divorce years ago.  No one at her job knows about me, but then she worked on military things and had a classification.  She might lose her job if they knew about me.  Around her office building is where she will not even walk by my side.

226915[/snapback]

Holy crap!

Mind if I have a little chat with her after she arrives in the U.S. of A.?

[SheLikesME?]

I like some of the comments here.  I cannot relate much to this but realize I did have a few things similar.

 

My wife had some things she kept so totaly secret, because they bothered her real bad.  One was an investment with her ex that went down, there are some others.  I was patient but persistent in finding out what these huge dark terrible things were, when the time was right and she knew me better.  Once out, and it was dificult at first, she felt better she discovered.  Now she tends to tell me things ahead of time that she thinks I may be uncomfortable with, or she is.  She says she wants to be able to tell me anything.  So OK.  And now the investment is back and she got all her money back.

 

At work there are people that don't even know she got a divorce years ago.  No one at her job knows about me, but then she worked on military things and had a classification.  She might lose her job if they knew about me.  Around her office building is where she will not even walk by my side.

226915[/snapback]

Holy crap!

Mind if I have a little chat with her after she arrives in the U.S. of A.?

226939[/snapback]

Huh? What about?

[howaboutasuit]

A lot of Chinese will look down on a Chinese girl who marries a Laowai and runs off to the US. It can possibly be construed as a major loss of face, almost a sort of prostitution. That's because typically no Chinese man and few Chinese women would ever understand why a Chinese girl would pick a foreigner other than for his money and the chance to leave China.

[Jeikun]

I like some of the comments here.?I cannot relate much to this but realize I did have a few things similar.

 

My wife had some things she kept so totaly secret, because they bothered her real bad.?One was an investment with her ex that went down, there are some others.?I was patient but persistent in finding out what these huge dark terrible things were, when the time was right and she knew me better.?Once out, and it was dificult at first, she felt better she discovered.?Now she tends to tell me things ahead of time that she thinks I may be uncomfortable with, or she is.?She says she wants to be able to tell me anything.?So OK.?And now the investment is back and she got all her money back.

 

At work there are people that don't even know she got a divorce years ago.?No one at her job knows about me, but then she worked on military things and had a classification.?She might lose her job if they knew about me.?Around her office building is where she will not even walk by my side.

226915[/snapback]

Holy crap!

Mind if I have a little chat with her after she arrives in the U.S. of A.?

226939[/snapback]

Huh? What about?

226965[/snapback]

I'll wager he wants to ask her a few questions, being a "capatalist spy" and all... lol don't bring work in here A Mafan

[SheLikesME?]

We both laugh about it. Neither of us will have a clasification again I suppose. She loves China but not the government or the party. She managed to go up the ladder without joining the party.

 

Lately she wants to go ahead and get a ring. I think she is losening up. I think there a few close friends at her work that know about me now. People seem to not ask about certain things. Who knows maybe she gets a little concerned about having lunch with me and her colleagues see us because she is concerned about her reputation. I don't think so though.