Observations.......

[egolessvegan]

1)Couples with large age differences seem to have more breakups than those who are say within 5 years of eachother.

 

2)Couples who live in highly populated areas where there are Asian restaurants, markets, and people seem to be thriving better than those in remote areas.

 

3)Couples who have Chinese children living under the same roof seem to have less incidence of marital problems.

 

4)Couples seem to have varying levels of uncertainty during the first year together in the US and then things appear to even out.

 

5)Men that expect their relationship to be the same in the US as had been their experience in China during visitations seem to have a high failure rate with their SO.

[rogerluli]

1)Couples with large age differences seem to have more breakups than those who are say within 5 years of eachother.

 

 

218982[/snapback]

My own experience, and those of others with large age differences here that I know refutes this. I think these men treat their wives very, very well and are in fact more protective and caring because of the age difference. These men are older and have been through the marital wars before and as a result have learned how to do it right and how to really treasure this much younger woman who shares their life...

Edited May 28, 2006 by rogerluli (see edit history)

[jim_julian]

I'll second that Roger!

[rogerluli]

2)Couples who live in highly populated areas where there are Asian restaurants, markets, and people seem to be thriving better than those in remote areas.

 

218982[/snapback]

I don't think that any other people are so passionate about food as Chinese. In China there are the 8 famous cuisines. In the US there are the 8 big fast food chains. But are you likely to end up divorced because there is no nearby authentic Chinese restaurant or market??? I don't think so. We live in a little town of 22,000 souls and have 4 terrible Chinese restaurants and no asian market. But in Madison (44 miles away) there is a very good Asian market and in the Milwaukee area (50 miles away) there are some good Chinese restaurants which we rarely visit anyway because laopo is a great cook and we prefer to save the money for our China house. As for other Chinese people, laopo spends hours every day chatting on the phone with her Chinese girlfriends both here and in China on our italkBB VOIP line for free...

[rogerluli]

3)Couples who have Chinese children living under the same roof seem to have less incidence of marital problems.

 

218982[/snapback]

I suppost this one may be true but not for a very good reason. Chinese mothers will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for their children. So will they put up with a much higher degree of personal unhappiness to secure their child's future??? a...yup...

[rogerluli]

1)Couples with large age differences seem to have more breakups than those who are say within 5 years of eachother.

 

 

218982[/snapback]

My own experience, and those of others with large age differences here that I know refutes this. I think these men treat their wives very, very well and are in fact more protective and caring because of the age difference. These men are older and have been through the marital wars before and as a result have learned how to do it right and how to really treasure this much younger woman who shares their life...

218989[/snapback]

Okay I'll reply to myself then...

 

Actually I can think of a 'type' of man who this does apply to. But I do not know anyone on Candle like this although there may be... This is a guy in his 40s or 50s who has never been married before. He suddenly decides he should "get a wife" but he needs one that he can completely control because that is the way he needs his life to be. He discovers women from Asia, or Russia, or South America...such a deal. He is rich...they are poor. They are young, inexperienced and UNUSED and will just sit quietly in the corner while attending to his every need...

I only wish that this 'type' gets everything he deserves...

[Yuanyang]

1)Couples with large age differences seem to have more breakups than those who are say within 5 years of eachother.

 

 

218982[/snapback]

My own experience, and those of others with large age differences here that I know refutes this. I think these men treat their wives very, very well and are in fact more protective and caring because of the age difference. These men are older and have been through the marital wars before and as a result have learned how to do it right and how to really treasure this much younger woman who shares their life...

218989[/snapback]

Okay I'll reply to myself then...

 

Actually I can think of a 'type' of man who this does apply to. But I do not know anyone on Candle like this although there may be... This is a guy in his 40s or 50s who has never been married before. He suddenly decides he should "get a wife" but he needs one that he can completely control because that is the way he needs his life to be. He discovers women from Asia, or Russia, or South America...such a deal. He is rich...they are poor. They are young, inexperienced and UNUSED and will just sit quietly in the corner while attending to his every need...

I only wish that this 'type' gets everything he deserves...

219015[/snapback]

I 2nd both of those Roger.

[Dennis143]

1)Couples with large age differences seem to have more breakups than those who are say within 5 years of eachother.

 

2)Couples who live in highly populated areas where there are Asian restaurants, markets, and people seem to be thriving better than those in remote areas.

 

3)Couples who have Chinese children living under the same roof seem to have less incidence of marital problems.

 

4)Couples seem to have varying levels of uncertainty during the first year together in the US and then things appear to even out.

 

5)Men that expect their relationship to be the same in the US as had been their experience in China during visitations seem to have a high failure rate with their SO.

218982[/snapback]

Just curious, what basis did you use to reach these observations? Are these observations from just a few posts by just a few or just from a gut feeling, or maybe just your own personal belief? Can you provide any evidence to support these observations?

[whutthapho]

5)Men that expect their relationship to be the same in the US as had been their experience in China during visitations seem to have a high failure rate with their SO.

218982[/snapback]

I believe a cultural and gender difference exists between U.S. and China regarding marriage, relationship, and love. My guess is that any failure rate is because it takes time to learn just how compatible the couple is. If both are not flexible and willing to sacrafice for the relationship...the marriage can fail.

 

Marriage is only the beginning (second stage) of the relationship. This is why sometimes a Chinese woman is willing to marry someone after knowing him and developing a "good feeling" about him, because her expectation is that the relationship will continually blossom and love will grow. They do not expect the relationship to be the same as during the China visits. After marriage, you live with each other 24/7 and really get to know each other.

 

Some U.S. men expect to know everything up front, believe that their "work is done" because they've asked all the right questions and received the answers they want to hear. Then as time passes and his wife's personality and influence increases, his world is shattered and we begin to read posts about how "she's changed", etc.

 

It's not realistic (especially prior to marriage) to believe you can know everything about your spouse or for the two of you to be exactly the same. The most important ingredient is to share a commitment to the relationship...and continually "fall in love" each day.

Edited May 28, 2006 by whutthapho (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

If both are not flexible and willing to sacrafice for the relationship...the marriage can fail.

219092[/snapback]

This captures my thoughts as well... I agree with your 'second stage' idea.. and might extend it that love is sometimes a 'third stage' in this scenario...

 

There could be any number of statements put forth which would show some who fail and some who succeed...

 

I do think that the cultural differences contribute the most.. and so #5 is one that would be an issue of someone not being flexible or adapting to their relationship to understand the other.

 

But I think that it depends on what each person's inner desires are.. I think this overcomes a multitude of sins (both personal and relationship). If your desires are to be together, adapt and be flexible and compromise, then I think obstacles can be overcome and eventually a non-issue.

 

For those who believe that you never need to change, nor change the other, I think this misses the mark.. Fundamentally, everything changes; nothing stays the same. And going to china for a bride is the biggest change you made in life...

[Guest pushbrk]

5)Men that expect their relationship to be the same in the US as had been their experience in China during visitations seem to have a high failure rate with their SO.

218982[/snapback]

I believe a cultural and gender difference exists between U.S. and China regarding marriage, relationship, and love. My guess is that any failure rate is because it takes time to learn just how compatible the couple is. If both are not flexible and willing to sacrafice for the relationship...the marriage can fail.

 

Marriage is only the beginning (second stage) of the relationship. This is why sometimes a Chinese woman is willing to marry someone after knowing him and developing a "good feeling" about him, because her expectation is that the relationship will continually blossom and love will grow. They do not expect the relationship to be the same as during the China visits. After marriage, you live with each other 24/7 and really get to know each other.

 

Some U.S. men expect to know everything up front, believe that their "work is done" because they've asked all the right questions and received the answers they want to hear. Then as time passes and his wife's personality and influence increases, his world is shattered and we begin to read posts about how "she's changed", etc.

 

It's not realistic (especially prior to marriage) to believe you can know everything about your spouse or for the two of you to be exactly the same. The most important ingredient is to share a commitment to the relationship...and continually "fall in love" each day.

219092[/snapback]

Now THIS is a classic post full of wisdom.

 

Committment, flexibility and sacrifice are the precursers of "true love" in a successful marriage, IMO.

[Guest pushbrk]

1)Couples with large age differences seem to have more breakups than those who are say within 5 years of eachother.

 

2)Couples who live in highly populated areas where there are Asian restaurants, markets, and people seem to be thriving better than those in remote areas.

 

3)Couples who have Chinese children living under the same roof seem to have less incidence of marital problems.

 

4)Couples seem to have varying levels of uncertainty during the first year together in the US and then things appear to even out.

 

5)Men that expect their relationship to be the same in the US as had been their experience in China during visitations seem to have a high failure rate with their SO.

218982[/snapback]

Just curious, what basis did you use to reach these observations? Are these observations from just a few posts by just a few or just from a gut feeling, or maybe just your own personal belief? Can you provide any evidence to support these observations?

219090[/snapback]

Even if the observations come from a large statistical sample, the statistics do not show a cause and effect relationship between the various A precedes B factoids. Such statistics only address probability, not cause and effect.

[Mick]

I suspect there are many reasons couples break up and I agree with what someone said about the first year being critical.

 

As for the reasons posted in the original post in the thread, I don't know. Li and I are more than five years apart in age. And we live in a rural area with little access to Chinese cultural contacts. And we have now been together for nine years. five in China and going on four in the States.

 

I believe each situation has its own variables, but this is a great topic for discussion in that general "trends" may be discovered.

[Dennis143]

1)Couples with large age differences seem to have more breakups than those who are say within 5 years of eachother.

 

2)Couples who live in highly populated areas where there are Asian restaurants, markets, and people seem to be thriving better than those in remote areas.

 

3)Couples who have Chinese children living under the same roof seem to have less incidence of marital problems.

 

4)Couples seem to have varying levels of uncertainty during the first year together in the US and then things appear to even out.

 

5)Men that expect their relationship to be the same in the US as had been their experience in China during visitations seem to have a high failure rate with their SO.

218982[/snapback]

Just curious, what basis did you use to reach these observations? Are these observations from just a few posts by just a few or just from a gut feeling, or maybe just your own personal belief? Can you provide any evidence to support these observations?

219090[/snapback]

Even if the observations come from a large statistical sample, the statistics do not show a cause and effect relationship between the various A precedes B factoids. Such statistics only address probability, not cause and effect.

219111[/snapback]

Who is asking for a statistic sampling? All of us have our own biases. To simply state them without metaphorical nor empirical evidence to support your bias leaves the reader wondering whereupon those biases are derived.

[ameriken]

1)Couples with large age differences seem to have more breakups than those who are say within 5 years of eachother.

 

 

218982[/snapback]

My own experience, and those of others with large age differences here that I know refutes this. I think these men treat their wives very, very well and are in fact more protective and caring because of the age difference. These men are older and have been through the marital wars before and as a result have learned how to do it right and how to really treasure this much younger woman who shares their life...

218989[/snapback]

Roger, I never ever thought in my life I would say this in response to one of your posts, but......

 

............I agree with you 100% and you could not have written that better ! !