What is the expectations of a Step Father

[Thomas Promise]

Over the past year I have talked to my SO and have heard some stories on what is expected of a Step Dad by a Chinese Wife. My SO has told me that I am her Sons Father now and I explained that I could never be his real Father but I could become one his best friends. According to Li her Ex had a serious gambling problem, got into alot of fights with people, a womanizer and really never showed any interest in their Son and would always seem to push their Son away from him.

Her son is a smart kid, single, handsome, 23 years old and currently living in China and is student in Dalian. He will graduate this year from his college and he plans on staying in China and building his life there.

I know that Chinese Children stay closer to the nest a lot longer then most American Children do. In many cases Chinese culture dictates that Grand Parents help the grand children out when they are entering young adulthood such as college expenses and the expense of purchasing a home for them to get started in life.

I wish to avoid or lessen another "Culture Clash" with my SO on this one. Any light on this or recomendations.

[Mick]

I am at work right now, and really don't have time to reply to this thread. Also, I am a father, not a step-father. But I did just want to say that I think this is an excellent topic, especially considering the fact that quite a few of our members have been placed in the role of step father.

 

Thanks for opening up this subject Thomas. I look forward to seeing folks' responses. I'll write more, from a father's perspective, when I have some time. Most of my writing at work is just that....WORK!

[LeeFisher3]

Soon our son will be coming to the US, officially he is my step-son, but I can't see any difference between being a step-father and being a father. He is 9 years old.

 

While I desire for him to know his father, I feel that the only way I can be involved with him is to be a father to him. Now that is not to mean I demand or expect him to treat me as his father, but that is a choice he will make over time. I can only do my part to love him and see that he grows to become a good man.

 

Calling me dad is completely optional and if one day he decides that is who I am it will probably be the proudest moment in my life.

[jemmyell]

Hello,

 

My step daughter will be truly my second daughter. She no longer has a father to turn to. She lost hers when she was about 9 or 10. I have accepted responsibility for her (she is 16) and I expect she will live with us much longer than my daughter since she appears to be definitely college bound.

 

ANOTHER project for me now is to get the transfer research and credit certification arranged so it can be started as soon as the visa is granted.

 

Since my SO is a property owner she will not just get on a plane when we get the visa, but take some time after quitting her job before coming here with her daughter.

 

This is a very good topic, I hope to see a lot of insight. I was a trainee parent when my wife died, she did not believe the man should be involved in raising the Children. I have learned a lot over the last two years, but I still have a long way to go.

 

-James

[esun41]

There is a old saying that I used to have pinned in my workshop. It said, "any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad"

 

I strive very hard to be involved in "ALL" my children's lives. I think being a dad means you have to love unconditionally.

 

Being a dad to someone you do not have blood ties with is a blessing in itself. My dad is really my mom's 4th husband and not my birth father. You know what made me love him is he would stay up till the wee hours pounding Geometry into my head. How he loved my mother after years of heartbreak that woman endured. I think of how he still... to this day... calls me on the phone to tell me how he misses the times we would watch the Godfather and eat ice cream.

 

I only wish to be half the dad he is to me...

 

That... my friends... is what being a dad is all about to me and that is how I am with my children... birth, step or grandchildren... no difference!

[tgas]

Soon our son will be coming to the US, officially he is my step-son, but I can't see any difference between being a step-father and being a father. He is 9 years old.

 

While I desire for him to know his father, I feel that the only way I can be involved with him is to be a father to him. Now that is not to mean I demand or expect him to treat me as his father, but that is a choice he will make over time. I can only do my part to love him and see that he grows to become a good man.

 

Calling me dad is completely optional and if one day he decides that is who I am it will probably be the proudest moment in my life.

212905[/snapback]

Lee an outstanding post. A good analogy of parenthood, I think of every parents' envision, biological or adoptive, that they children grow to be good women and good men, moral and productive citizens, in society.

 

K1 TIMELINE

 

22 Dec 04, First introduced

26 Mar 05 - 3 Apr 05, First visit

14 Jun 05 - 14 Jul 05, Second visit

31 Aug 05, I-129F filed

25 Nov 05, NOA 2

24 Dec 05 - 2 Jan 06, Third visit

3 Apr 05, P3 received

8 Apr 05, P3 sent to GUZ

Pending, P4

Edited May 5, 2006 by tgas (see edit history)

[philb]

I have birth children; step children and will shortly have a Chinese step son.

18 years old. Little english. Quiet. Needing schooling to complete HS. Terrified of leaving all his friends. He has not had a Father figure per se for 9 years. The women of the Family seem to "ride his ass". Some of it seemingly warranted.

He had no choice in this development and refuses to be separated from his Mother. I want him to come along with his Mother; no hesitancy.

 

My children, 18 & 20( in Phoenix), have met him in Nanning and they all get along quite well.

I know that he is going to need all of the encouragement and help when he gets here. His lack of having a Father will also be challenging when he is suddenly faced with me. Not that I am a bad guy; but other than Mom, he has had little to lean on or depend on. This cuts both ways, also having little to reign him in.

I look forward to it. I have two wonderful children now. My three stepchildren were very instrumental in guaranteeing a divorce from my second wife. We are not close; unless they get in a jam and call upon me(once in a blue moon)

LiJing will certainly be a project. Getting him into school; pointing him in the right direction for friends and activities. Not being able to drive. Teaching him the ins and outs of California lifestyle ( it is definitely fast lane). Balancing time with him and his Mother. All good thoughts.

I do not have all the answers...

 

Phil

[jim_julian]

This is a complex issue for me also. My three children from my first marriage have not accepted the divorce very well. Their current attitudes, two years after I asked for divorce, range from hostile to "dissapointed". My ex swears she doesn't encourage this; I have my doubts.

 

The ex says openly that I divorced "the family" and denies that I have a right to be happy in marriage. She also refers openly to my "Chinese daughter" and how Er Mei will "replace" my other daughter who is close in age.

 

I have known Er Mei for almost two years now. She is 17 and we are planning a K2 follow to join when she finishes high school a year from now. In the last ten years she has not had a close relationship with her birth father. Initially she was quite cautious with me and our relationship built slowly. When her birth father demanded a large bribe to agree to her emmigration it killed any feelings she had left for him.

 

Because of her age, but with knowledge that Chinese children are often less socially mature than American counterparts, I have let her determine the pace and closeness of our relationship. As most of you know, in a second marriage in China it is not the norm for a Chinese father to accept a child from the first marriage as "his own". Er Mei knows I essentially have done that. She still calls me "uncle" but I think that will change after Lao Po and I marry.

 

The follow to join will give Lao Po and I almost a year to get settled in the US and, of course, visit China and report Lao Po's impressions of life in America. Our thoughts at this time is that Er Mei will live with us in the US and attend a California Junior College but also, as permitted, work (it may have to be volunteer initially) to establish that this is not a "free ride". Whether she stays in the US long term or goes on to a UC for a four year degree remains to be determined.

 

I believe that her mother must always take a leading role in the family relationship. This doesn't mean I won't exhibit the strength that gives confindence and security. It does mean that I will consult, perhaps privately, with Lao Po before taking any positions.

 

I worry a lot about Er Mei's interaction with my other three children. I would like this to be a good relationship, but only time will tell. It is important to retain the perspective that this relationship should be about what is good for all the children, not what I want.

 

The entire step father relationship will be a challenge I am sure. I hope to gain insight from this thread ... excellent topic Thomas!

[Guest pushbrk]

Over the past year I have talked to my SO and have heard some stories on what is expected of a Step Dad by a Chinese Wife. My SO has told me that I am her Sons Father now and I explained that I could never be his real Father but I could become one his best friends. According to Li her Ex had a serious gambling problem, got into alot of fights with people, a womanizer and really never showed any interest in their Son and would always seem to push their Son away from him.

Her son is a smart kid, single, handsome, 23 years old and currently living in China and is student in Dalian. He will graduate this year from his college and he plans on staying in China and building his life there.

I know that Chinese Children stay closer to the nest a lot longer then most American Children do. In many cases Chinese culture dictates that Grand Parents help the grand children out when they are entering young adulthood such as college expenses and the expense of purchasing a home for them to get started in life.

I wish to avoid or lessen another "Culture Clash" with my SO on this one. Any light on this or recomendations.

212900[/snapback]

My circumstances are cloer to Jim's than Thomas' in that my step-daughter will be coming to the USA with her mother, near the time she turns 18. She does not have a relationship with her father but does with her paternal Grandmother.

 

I leave it entirely up to her what she calls me and where our relationship goes, with the exception that I requested she not call me by the same title as she calls her father. (out of respect for him...My daughters had two step-fathers and for a while I had three step-children.) She chose to bestow the role of father on me, so I suggested she call me "Dad" like my daughters do. I love her dearly and tell her so.

 

As for Thomas' situation...it is unlikely he will develop a really close relationship with a 23 year old (technical) step-son, so the initial question will probably be either nothing at all really or one of financial support, if needed. Perhaps he won't need any. As such, I would be prepared to support your wife in her own agenda with her son. The limitation I would put on it is that I would be unwilling to provide financial support beyond what I did or would do with my own children. My daughters worked for and arranged for their own education after high school. Their Mother and I arranged for a modest used car, so they could get to and from a job and college.

 

I would expect a single man of 23 to be on his own. If nothing has come up to indicate he has needs he expects parents to provide, he probably doesn't. As such, I would probably treat him the same as I would treat a younger brother in-law, like "family" not like "offspring".

 

Other than perhaps some very general concepts I might learn, I wouldn't pay much attention to "what Chinese Women" expect of step-fathers.

Edited May 6, 2006 by pushbrk (see edit history)

[SinoTexas]

Soon our son will be coming to the US, officially he is my step-son, but I can't see any difference between being a step-father and being a father. He is 9 years old.

 

While I desire for him to know his father, I feel that the only way I can be involved with him is to be a father to him. Now that is not to mean I demand or expect him to treat me as his father, but that is a choice he will make over time. I can only do my part to love him and see that he grows to become a good man.

 

Calling me dad is completely optional and if one day he decides that is who I am it will probably be the proudest moment in my life.

212905[/snapback]

Lee,

 

I’m sure your son will be calling you “dad” in his heart within a few hours of being with you. Sooner than you realize, he will calling you dad in all kinds of situations. You might wanna get your season Kansas City baseball and football tickets for those special times with your son. Being a dad is the greatest and most difficult, most rewarding and trying job in the world. You can read all the books and watch hours of Dr. Phil and none of that will prepare you and teach you to be a dad. Blood and genetics DOES NOT make a dad….unconditional love, understanding and support make a dad. I wish I could be there to see your reaction to your first Father’s Day card. You have what it takes to be a great dad Lee. Good luck to you and all the dads on this site.

 

As aye,

 

Jim

 

On second thought maybe you can’t teach him everything. After all, you are an old kinda guy. If your son wants to learn how to rope calves, bronc riding or bull riding, send him down here to “Uncle Jim” for a few weeks. I’ll have him on his way to get’n a rodeo scholarship, just like his Uncle Jim! Just don't tell his mom...

[LeeFisher3]

Soon our son will be coming to the US, officially he is my step-son, but I can't see any difference between being a step-father and being a father. He is 9 years old.

 

While I desire for him to know his father, I feel that the only way I can be involved with him is to be a father to him. Now that is not to mean I demand or expect him to treat me as his father, but that is a choice he will make over time. I can only do my part to love him and see that he grows to become a good man.

 

Calling me dad is completely optional and if one day he decides that is who I am it will probably be the proudest moment in my life.

212905[/snapback]

Lee,

 

I’m sure your son will be calling you “dad” in his heart within a few hours of being with you. Sooner than you realize, he will calling you dad in all kinds of situations. You might wanna get your season Kansas City baseball and football tickets for those special times with your son. Being a dad is the greatest and most difficult, most rewarding and trying job in the world. You can read all the books and watch hours of Dr. Phil and none of that will prepare you and teach you to be a dad. Blood and genetics DOES NOT make a dad….unconditional love, understanding and support make a dad. I wish I could be there to see your reaction to your first Father’s Day card. You have what it takes to be a great dad Lee. Good luck to you and all the dads on this site.

 

As aye,

 

Jim

 

On second thought maybe you can’t teach him everything. After all, you are an old kinda guy. If your son wants to learn how to rope calves, bronc riding or bull riding, send him down here to “Uncle Jim” for a few weeks. I’ll have him on his way to get’n a rodeo scholarship, just like his Uncle Jim! Just don't tell his mom...

212977[/snapback]

Too late Jim, she just read your post and now you are in BIG Trouble.

[Thomas Promise]

Soon our son will be coming to the US, officially he is my step-son, but I can't see any difference between being a step-father and being a father. He is 9 years old.

 

While I desire for him to know his father, I feel that the only way I can be involved with him is to be a father to him. Now that is not to mean I demand or expect him to treat me as his father, but that is a choice he will make over time. I can only do my part to love him and see that he grows to become a good man.

 

Calling me dad is completely optional and if one day he decides that is who I am it will probably be the proudest moment in my life.

212905[/snapback]

Lee,

 

I’m sure your son will be calling you “dad” in his heart within a few hours of being with you. Sooner than you realize, he will calling you dad in all kinds of situations. You might wanna get your season Kansas City baseball and football tickets for those special times with your son. Being a dad is the greatest and most difficult, most rewarding and trying job in the world. You can read all the books and watch hours of Dr. Phil and none of that will prepare you and teach you to be a dad. Blood and genetics DOES NOT make a dad….unconditional love, understanding and support make a dad. I wish I could be there to see your reaction to your first Father’s Day card. You have what it takes to be a great dad Lee. Good luck to you and all the dads on this site.

 

As aye,

 

Jim

 

On second thought maybe you can’t teach him everything. After all, you are an old kinda guy. If your son wants to learn how to rope calves, bronc riding or bull riding, send him down here to “Uncle Jim” for a few weeks. I’ll have him on his way to get’n a rodeo scholarship, just like his Uncle Jim! Just don't tell his mom...

212977[/snapback]

Jim don't forget that your children will give you the greatest highs and the greatest lows

[egolessvegan]

................I have 2 Chinese step children aged 11 and 17.

It is not very complicated. I give them every ounce of my love, every minute of every day. Things eem to be working out quite well.

Ken

[hlguan]

I too think this an excellent post. Maybe it has strayed from the original question. Culturaly, how do the Chinese step children percieve us? Are they as willing to accept an American step father as "father"?

[Guest pushbrk]

I too think this an excellent post. Maybe it has strayed from the original question. Culturaly, how do the Chinese step children percieve us? Are they as willing to accept an American step father as "father"?

213070[/snapback]

The answer will most likely be both circumstantial and personal. Children are actually individual people who make their own choices and are affected by their circumstances and personalities, whether they were born in China, the USA or anywhere else.