How to resolve disagreement with your SO?

[Stone]

I am asking this seemingly 'simple' but actually difficult question.

 

When you and your SO have different opinions from time to time (you can't be in harmony 100% of the time, right?), I understand communications are critical for a successful relationship. But think you and your SO grew up in different environment with different personalities, you might still have different opinions after 'serious discussions', especially for couples separated in a long distance relationship. The things that you could differ from one another could be as simple as how much salt in the cooking, as complicated as whether to buy a house now, where to live, whether or not to provide long term-financial support for your SO' family, etc.

 

Then how do you resolve the disagreement to ensure a long-lasting relationship? Do you give in most of the time or does she give in most of time, or almost 50/50? Some members say 'treat her like a boss'. Do you really listen to her all the time and do what ever to make her happy? The toughest question is when you think your SO is making the wrong decision for the family, then you just say 'OK'? Just trust your SO's intuition?

 

I am a little inclined to the position of 'listening to her needs and being careful not to start an argument'. Then what next?

 

Edited for punctuations only.

Edited March 10, 2006 by Stone (see edit history)

[chef4u]

Sorry...If you are truly listening to the person needs....why would you consider the start of an argument?

[Stone]

Can the moderator move this thread to 'twisted candle'?

 

Thanks!

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

Can the moderator move this thread to 'twisted candle'?

 

Thanks!

197362[/snapback]

Sorry...If you are truly listening to the person needs....why would you consider the start of an argument?

ain't twisted yet, but it was a good question.....

Edited March 10, 2006 by ShaQuaNew (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

yes.. it's too good a question for TC... it will get butchered there !!

 

What I see in my wife is that she doesn't tell me something for my approval or opinion most of the time; just to tell me (aka listen up).

 

Because I believe chinese live the ethic life of "what should I do", they want to do and not talk too much.

 

As for disagreements, I think this starts because the first principle to listen doesn't happen.. and then one thinks their position is better or must be listened to in response (double breaking of the first principle).

 

I find in most cases, whether one talks in detail or not, disagrees or whatever, that the final action is still that she has already decided what to do in many cases and any discussion makes some things worse.

 

If I realize we are disagreeing, I stop to think what the issue really is and if there is anything to really have input on.

 

I find the best approach to listen, nod and say 'sounds good'... if my opinion is wanted, she'll ask for it... If I give it, it needs to be short and to the point...

[Joanne]

What's the need of moving it to the Twisted Candle?

 

I would say, don't give in all the time.

 

My dad always gave in because he doesn't like any kind of conflict. After many years, the only thing he could do is letting my mom boss him around and she is not happy about that either.

 

For example, it would be great if you could provide whatever your SO wanted. However, with limited resources, you couldn't simple say "yes". If you invite her to work out a plan together, she might set a realistic objective herself.

 

I hope other wives understand that my comment above is not solely for the benefit of their husbands. My mom is very lonely at home. My dad, my sister and I tried very hard to make her happy, but we couldn't. According to her, if we listen to her, she would be happy. However, we could not satisfy her continuous desires (even though they are mostly good advices to us), so she is utimately unhappy.

[Stone]

As for disagreements, I think this starts because the first principle to listen doesn't happen.. and then one thinks their position is better or must be listened to in response (double breaking of the first principle).

Agree!

 

I find in most cases, whether one talks in detail or not, disagrees or whatever, that the final action is still that she has already decided what to do in many cases and any discussion makes some things worse.

Disagree: I was successful in persuading my wife in a few major life-changing decisions after serious debate. Maybe I am a good talker? But I do not want to be 'spoiled' by that. Do not take your wife as granted! As time passes, I am becoming more 'mature' and listening to her more and more.....

 

I would still like this to be moved to 'twisted candle'. Moderator, are you there?

Edited March 10, 2006 by Stone (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

As for disagreements, I think this starts because the first principle to listen doesn't happen.. and then one thinks their position is better or must be listened to in response (double breaking of the first principle).

Agree!

 

I find in most cases, whether one talks in detail or not, disagrees or whatever, that the final action is still that she has already decided what to do in many cases and any discussion makes some things worse.

Disagree: I was successful in persuading my wife in a few major life-changing decisions after serious debate. Maybe I am a good talker? But I do not want to be 'spoiled' by that. Do not take your wife as granted! As time passes, I am becoming more 'mature' and listening to her more and more.....

 

I would still like this to be moved to 'twisted candle'. Moderator, are you there?

197380[/snapback]

if it's life changing discussion, then I would agree that more input would be forthcoming...

 

We are often talking about her 'work' aspirations... this does not come with the pre-held thought that she already knows what to do... so we discuss this much more exchange.

 

I guess the issue should really boil down to: What if she's really set in her way and the other really sees this as wrong... what to do?

 

To a degree, I would offer advice and maybe try persuasion... but ultimately, I don't have any problem with someone finding out for themselves they were wrong...

[jim_julian]

You can't, in my opinion, build a strong foundation for a relationship by avoiding the discussion of issues. On the other hand you need to be considerate of cultural norms and be absolutely sure that you understand each other.

 

We have had what appeared to be disagreements but all have eventually been resolved by calm, careful discussion. In the beginning of our relationship I had a tendency to run roughshod over her in a verbal sense. This got the silent withdrawal reaction -- which is not good. I have learned and no longer do this.

 

In many areas we defer to each other based on culture ... if the issue is a Chinese matter or concerns her family then I may provide advice but in the end I defer. If the issue concerns our future life in America or other related topics then she generally defers to me.

 

One excellent pattern we've adopted, which I've mentioned before, is when the discussion is complete and we've reached a conclusion then Lao Po will always say "it's over" ... and we never discuss it again, we just live with what was decided and it doesn't become a festering issue.

[Mick]

Li and I are entering our ninth year together and our relationship is stronger and our love deeper than ever. With that said, I can say that our first year was somewhat stressful, with more that a few disagreements. I think these conflicts stemmed from several sources. First, I was living in an alien country and didn't have a clue as to the language, a major stressor in and of itself. Second, there were the normal cultural differences about love, marriage, trust, etc. Third, we are both Taurus and stubborn as mules (well, considering the recent thread on mules, maybe that is not the right term ). Still, we made it through that period I think because we were both willing to go the extra mile and we love each other and were committed.

 

We faced additional stress from Li's friends and family, who were not thrilled about her taking up with a foreign devil. Still, with much patience, we got through that as well.

 

The 19 month hassle of the visa process was no picnic either.

 

Three years ago we came to America, Li got pregnant, now there are three of us. More stress.

 

Yet through all of this, since the first year, our disagreements have been few and far between. Whenever we do have an argument, it is rarely over a big issue. More often than not one of us is just over-tired from either work or the demands of raising a toddler. Usually, if things get a little heated, and they rarely do, we just back off and maybe go for a walk or go to separate rooms to chill out. Better that than escalate.

 

About the only sage advice I can offer is as follows: I have learned that more often than not, it is more important to be kind than it is to be right.

[Stone]

I guess the issue should really boil down to: What if she's really set in her way and the other really sees this as wrong... what to do?

This is the tough part.

 

My approach is this:

* First try persuasion as best you can.

* If persuasion does not work, just let things go the wrong way as you look, because (1) things might not be wrong in her way (we are actually wrong!); (2) it might worth the price to prove her wrong than starting an argument. Someone has to pay the tuition.

 

Remember it is love that bound us together. If the 'fundamentals' in a relationship are solid and unquestionable, then just let love to overcome the small differences.

[jemmyell]

Hi,

 

In the case of my relationship with Loving Candle, I just discovered last night that one of my assumptions about what she knew about something (my / our online business) was just dead wrong. She had never looked at the website or shopping cart so she had a different set of concepts that what I thought. You ALWAYS need to be sure of the assumptions that you are working with. This is the first key to successful discussions I think, understand the same things in order to discuss them.

 

-James

[LeeFisher3]

We have found that there are a number of things we do not understand about each other's thinking, but nothing that ever came close to an argument.

 

Early in our relationship we talked about not always agreeing with each other and that it did not make either of us right or wrong. While there are things she wishes to do a certain way that I don't agree with we will talk about it and her decision is up to her and I will stand by it 100%. She does the same with me.

 

We have also had a few times when one of us made a decision that turned out to be 100% wrong and neither of us attacked the other over it. We would just admit things didn't go the way intended and then it would usually it turned into a joke.

 

After all the waiting and heartache it took for us to be together, nothing else is really all that important, because we are together now.

[SheLikesME?]

I guess the issue should really boil down to: What if she's really set in her way and the other really sees this as wrong... what to do?

This is the tough part.

 

My approach is this:

* First try persuasion as best you can.

* If persuasion does not work, just let things go the wrong way as you look, because (1) things might not be wrong in her way (we are actually wrong!); (2) it might worth the price to prove her wrong than starting an argument. Someone has to pay the tuition.

 

Remember it is love that bound us together. If the 'fundamentals' in a relationship are solid and unquestionable, then just let love to overcome the small differences.

197397[/snapback]

Stone, I almost hate to ask but is this concerning tuition or going to school, as you just wrote or were you using it as a figure of speach?

 

Generally I would agree with what Jim said. If it is a China problem, like her daughter or things she is doing in China while she is there, then I have found that her wisdom is the best to follow. And in some of those casses I would never have done it her way.

 

The other biggie was her misunderstanding of things I told her about myself or tried to tell her before we met and she would not listen, or did not understand half of the information. Sometimes though, I don't listen to her exact question.

Edited March 11, 2006 by SheLikesME (see edit history)

[Stone]

Li and I are entering our ninth year together and our relationship is stronger and our love deeper than ever. With that said, I can say that our first year was somewhat stressful, with more that a few disagreements. I think these conflicts stemmed from several sources. First, I was living in an alien country and didn't have a clue as to the language, a major stressor in and of itself. Second, there were the normal cultural differences about love, marriage, trust, etc. Third, we are both Taurus and stubborn as mules (well, considering the recent thread on mules, maybe that is not the right term  ). Still, we made it through that period I think because we were both willing to go the extra mile and we love each other and were committed.

 

We faced additional stress from Li's friends and family, who were not thrilled about her taking up with a foreign devil. Still, with much patience, we got through that as well.

 

The 19 month hassle of the visa process was no picnic either.

 

Three years ago we came to America, Li got pregnant, now there are three of us. More stress.

 

Yet through all of this, since the first year, our disagreements have been few and far between.  Whenever we do have an argument, it is rarely over a big issue. More often than not one of us is just over-tired from either work or the demands of raising a toddler. Usually, if things get a little heated, and they rarely do, we just back off and maybe go for a walk or go to separate rooms to chill out. Better that than escalate.

 

About the only sage advice I can offer is as follows: I have learned that more often than not, it is more important to be kind than it is to be right.

197395[/snapback]

Mick:

 

You story has been inspirational to me that I had to 'borrow' your advice and put it into my signature. What do you generally write as a 'writer'?