And I Do Mean Twisted

[Dennis143]

EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT FARTS, BUT WERE TOO AFRAID TO ASK .

 

What makes farts stink?

 

The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur.

Nitrogen-rich compounds such as skatole and indole also add to the stench of farts. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.

 

 

Why are stinky farts generally warmer and quieter than regular farts?

 

Most fart gas comes from swallowed air and consists largely of nitrogen and carbon dioxide, the oxygen having been absorbed by the time it reaches the anal opening. These gases are odorless, although they often pick up other (and more odiferous) components on the way through the bowel.

They emerge from the anus in fairly large bubbles at body temperature.

A person can often achieve a good sound with these voluminous farts, but they are commonly (but not always!) mundane with respect to odor, and don't feel particularly warm. Another major source of fart gas is bacterial action.

Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a byproduct as well as various pungent gases.

The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot, and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. These emerge as the notorious, warm, SBD (Silent-But-Deadly), often in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.

 

 

How much gas does a normal person pass per day?

 

On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day,

distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts.

Whereas, it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart count. You might try this as a science fair project. Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your farts. You might make a note of the potency of their odor as well.

See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they smell.

 

 

How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else's nose?

 

Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the fart particles, and the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.

 

 

Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between farting and the time it starts to smell?

 

Actually, the fart stinks immediately upon emergence, but it takes several seconds for the odor to travel to the farter's nostrils. If farts could travel at the speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly, at the same time we hear them.

 

 

Is it true that some people never fart?

 

No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death.

 

 

Do men enjoy farts more?

 

Yes, most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender. I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart than men do.

 

 

Do men's farts smell worse than women's farts?

 

Based on what I have experienced of women's farts, all I can say is that I hope not.

 

 

At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?

 

A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

 

 

Why are beans so notorious for making people fart?

 

Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other notorious fart-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog's digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog's bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.

 

 

What things other than diet can make a person fart more than usual?

 

People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who don't.

This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence.

And going up in an airplane or other low-pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.

 

 

Is a fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?

 

No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition from a fart. Farts have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.

 

 

Is it harmful to hold in farts?

 

There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health.

Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for people's health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining farts. Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in farts. Farts will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distention of the bowel could result if a person holds in farts too much.

 

 

How long would it be possible to not fart?

 

As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people who refrain from farting during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and transpacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do fart voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from farting as long as you can stay awake!

 

 

Do all people fart in their sleep?

 

I have not made a scientific study of this, but I don't think all people fart in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to fart when they're awake do so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumulates in the night and they vent it upon awakening.

 

 

Where do farts go when you hold them in?

 

How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart has disappeared when you are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the fart goes.

Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it? The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is reassuring to know that such farts aren't really lost, just delayed.

 

 

How can one cover up a fart?

 

There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to absorb the odor of farts. If you should be caught without your Fartypants, another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill. As for the sound... if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the fart. If you are with one other person, you can act as if nothing happened, and the other person may believe he was mistaken in thinking he heard a fart. CJT addresses the problem of farting loudly in a public restroom as follows:

"My solution: use a handful of loose toilet paper, cover your butthole and it will muffle the farting; my friends and I call it the 'Buff'. Depending upon the company, another strategy is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the fart as your own grand accomplishment and to issue a challenge to the others to outdo that one if they think they can.

 

 

Is it really possible to ignite farts?

 

The answer to that is YES! (Armageddon, Armageddon!) However, you should be aware that people get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is no

more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice.

However, if you want to try it, and you don't have a friend to light your fart for you, you might find it easier to accomplish the job using the Fartlighter. There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.

 

 

Why is possible to burn farts?

 

Farts burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill fated Hindenburg dirigible.) Farts tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.

 

 

 

SO, NOW YOU KNOW ... THE REST OF THE FART STORY!

[Mick]

Ah, a wonderful dissertation indeed. Informative, riveting and to the point.

 

I am certain, although I have never counted, that I blast more than 14 a day. Now, where did I put that stroke counter I used to carry when I played golf?

 

I smell a poll coming. How many times per day do you cut the cheese?

[obxtrainman]

Are farts lumpy

[Dennis143]

Are farts lumpy    

184667[/snapback]

Unfortunately, yes. And, unfortunately, squishy too.

[esun41]

You all have way to much time on your hands

 

BTW,

 

Mick's story reminds me of the first Austin Powers movie and the bathroom scene with Tom Arnold.

 

"Hang on there buddy, we're going to get through this"

 

"Hold on, bite your lip and give that turd hell"

 

"Hey, that sounds pretty bad. How bout' a courtesy flush"

 

"My God... what did you eat?"

[ameriken]

Great posts Mick and Dennis!

 

Once I got wind of these I am glad I didnt pass them, though I am a little pooped from reading.

 

What a gas......true works of fart !

Edited January 21, 2006 by ameriken (see edit history)

[Randy W]

Sorry, but the graphic image had to go.

184703[/snapback]

 

 

I understand!

[Guest pushbrk]

Sorry, but the graphic image had to go.

184703[/snapback]

Does this call for a pooper party?

[Randy W]

Sorry, but the graphic image had to go.

184703[/snapback]

Does this call for a pooper party?

184726[/snapback]

 

 

He means - - - No Flaming!

[chef4u]

Mick and Dennis....Chefy is speechless......becuz he can not stop laughing!!!!

[chef4u]

Dennis, I have a philosophical question to ask. If one passes the gas and there is no one around to smell the after effects, is there still a smell?

[Trigg]

Dennis, I have a philosophical question to ask.  If one passes the gas and there is no one around to smell the after effects, is there still a smell?

185016[/snapback]

Not if you burn your drawers. Always remember that after age 50 NEVER assume it is just a fart!!!!

[chef4u]

Dennis, I have a philosophical question to ask.  If one passes the gas and there is no one around to smell the after effects, is there still a smell?

185016[/snapback]

Not if you burn your drawers. Always remember that after age 50 NEVER assume it is just a fart!!!!

185020[/snapback]

yeah...roger that!! One thing I learned from my visits to China is to keep those little tissue packs close by

[Trigg]

Dennis, I have a philosophical question to ask.  If one passes the gas and there is no one around to smell the after effects, is there still a smell?

185016[/snapback]

Not if you burn your drawers. Always remember that after age 50 NEVER assume it is just a fart!!!!

185020[/snapback]

yeah...roger that!! One thing I learned from my visits to China is to keep those little tissue packs close by

185021[/snapback]

The real key to it is buy dark colored undies. It doesn't reduce the mess but covers it well when wifey hand washes!!

[Dennis143]

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/fartingpreacher.html