Reflections

[PJ]

All,

 

I have unpinned the topics about my ex-fiancee now and will let them sink. I realize that people may respond to them as they see fit, and please feel free to do so. However, as for me, I have spoken my piece already, and will not post on those threads anymore.

 

Please understand, I never wanted to bring such negativity into a place with so many wondeful people as Candle. I have always believed in love, trust, and the goodness in human beings.

 

So many times in my life I have witnessed people helping others out of no obligation, but out of kindness. I have seen people stop by the side of I-4 here in Tampa to help a mother and young child whose tire went flat. Not too long ago I read about a basketball player on the University of South Florida team save several people from a drowning car.

 

I have always been very grateful for my life and the opportunites given to me, and have always strove to make the most of them.

 

All my life, whenever I looked in a mirror, I just saw me. I was content. I have always accepted myself, my flaws, and trusted that God and that others will accept me for who I am.

 

Early this morning I woke up and looked closely in the mirror. I truly believe that eyes are a window to the soul. What I saw staring back at me frightened me. I saw anger. I saw a distrust of people. This is not what I wish to become, nor is it what I wish to be.

 

I spent the rest of the morning doing a lot of soul searching. I realized that for now, yes I am angry. Yes, I am carrying around a lot of distrust. There are no words that can describe the amount of suffering I have felt in my heart. Every moment I kept thinking that this was some sort of horrible nightmare, or alternate universe, and any second, just any second now, it would be gone and I would be back to my reality.

 

My reality for so long was being in the waiting process, and I had dreamed at night of when my fiancee and I might be together, so I just kept hoping that maybe this betrayal was a bad dream, and I would wake up back to the mundane reality of waiting for a namecheck. It all seemed surreal, like my mind could not process it as having actually happened. You know, I have read stories and recollections about people who try to describe a tramautic situation and their feelings, but when it happens to you, you soon discover that words are inadequate to capture feelings.

 

But I also have hope. I know that I am angry and distrustful now, but I know that these feelings will fade in time. I realize that I have wonderful parents and relatives that love me, a very strong circle of personal friends, and a close-knit community here on Candle. For now, I hurt, but I know that soon when I look in the mirror, I will not see anger or distrust, I will see my old self again.

 

I do not wish to discuss my religious beliefs here, so to keep it general ... every disappointment I have ever suffered in my life has been for a greater good, a blessing in disguise. My sophomore year of college, I spent the whole year applying for summer internships. Early in the spring, the first few students began receiving internship offers. I heard nothing. Then the majority of students who applied began receiving their offer letters. I received a few kind rejection notes, but still no offers. Finally, as the summer vacation approached, some students received a few last minute offers trickling in, but most of the students had already accepted something so they had to decline. Still, I received nothing.

 

I felt absolutely miserable, like a complete failure. Even worse, the whole time, I listened to my excited friends talk about working at IBM, Microsoft, and other companies, talk about starting their careers. I was happy for them, but it was difficult for me not to feel an acute sense of disappointment and failure.

 

AFTER summer vacation started, I received a call and an offer from GTE. They apologized, said the program was running behind, and they were concerned it would be impossible to find any students, as most everyone already accepted offers.

 

I was overjoyed. I would have accepted even if the internship was in Antartica, but coincidentally, it was in Tampa, exactly 30 minutes from my parents' house. I worked there that summer. At the end of the summer I was offered a position for the school year, so I took the year off from my college, enrolled in University of South Florida part-time, and spent a lot of time with my family. I had an opportunity to watch my younger sister grow up, teach her how to play chess, and kick the soccer ball with her in the backyard. I made many friends at GTE, studied hard at school, and most importantly, spent time with my family and little sister. This was one of the best years of my life.

 

Had I received an internship elsewhere, I never would have had this wonderful experience. But all the rejections, all the disappointment turned out to be for the best in the end.

 

That is how I choose to view disappointments and hardships. I know that this, too, must have happened for a reason.

 

A request ... could those of you who might be willing to talk with me in person or by email please send your contact information to ptenn@tampabay.rr.com? I realize that the days ahead may be difficult, and I am hoping to make sure to have a support network in place. I may not respond to your emails quickly these days, but please know that I read everything and am truly grateful to you all.

 

Also, I ask that this be copied over to 001. I feel that the first post that I asked to be copied over there was filled with pain and sorrow, devoid of any hope. Although there is still pain and sorrow in this letter, I feel that these words do also contain hope.

 

I hope that, like my summer internship story, there is a reason for this chapter in my life. I hope that even if this chapter did not end on a happy note, that it is setting up the whole story for happier and more joyful chapters to come.

 

To everyone here at Candle, thank you for all your support through good times and bad. I wish you love, happiness, and many joyful chapters in your lives.

 

Sincerely yours,

 

P.J.

[Guest R2D2]

Thanks, PJ. Like I said earlier, welcome back.

[Stats]

PJ,

 

You have my deepest condolences. I am going to send you an email.

 

After reading about your experience, I got nervous about my finacee. I decided to check the website where we met and look for her profile. In early December, we decided that we would both hide our profiles after a few months of emails. I did check to see that hers was hidden. I verified this before I went to visit her in Shenzhen on January 22.

 

Her profile is now active and she has logged on twice in 2 days. The problem: I have talked to her on the phone a few times at her parent’s home. She is at her parent’s home in Guizhou province since 02/12/03 and has no access to a computer. Seems a bit strange that she (or someone else) logged on her her profile on 02/19/03 and 02/21/03. The website shows the last login date on the profile. Supposedly she is in Guizhou getting a passport and other documents

 

I am not a happy camper and I have sent an email asking for an explanation. I don’t think this is a Russian style scam for money, as she has refused my offers to help her with translation costs. What worries me is that there is a possibility that they will do anything for a Green Card and after 2 years, bye-bye. That may be the situation in your case.

 

There is a lot of information available about Russian scams for money. I wonder if there is Green Card issue happening here.

 

I just needed to vent as I am not in a good mood right now.

[Ana]

this is a little worrisome. but after all, people lift passwords all the time, so it may not necessarily mean anything. but if she is using you, i dont see why she wouldnt lie about computer access too. my husband lives in the countryside and to foreign eyes, there is no way in hell to get on the internet. but in a very small nearby town, there are at least 3 internet bars.

 

definitely talk to her before jumping to conclusions. i dont know what your history is, but you might want to live together for awhile before you make any big decisions about marriage.

[Mick]

Thanks for sharing your inner thoughts and feelings PJ. I was deeply moved and admire your ability to see the spiritual aspects of things, even when they are veiled by anger. Keep the faith!

[Guest Riverguide]

[Joseph-1]

P.J. I have seen some of this behaviour that you described. The ring she never took off. I know Ive seen such. I have thought in my mind,that such a thing was possible. But Id just thought that I was being jealous. There are different circumstances but what you wrote has made me aware. I think that your openess may save someone else a lot of pain.

 

It is however a Visa Topic Question.

 

How does a woman/man elude the unmarried certificate requirement?

 

Open Question!

[Mick]

P.J. I have seen some of this behaviour that you described. The ring she never took off. I know Ive seen such. I have thought in my mind,that such a thing was possible. But Id just thought that I was being jealous. There are different circumstances but what you wrote has made me aware. I think that your openess may save someone else a lot of pain.

 

It is however a Visa Topic Question.

 

How does a woman/man elude the unmarried certificate requirement?

 

Open Question!

Trust me on this one Joseph. Over here, if one pays the right "fee", they can obtain just about anything. Depends on who you know and how much you pay. I personally have never engaged in any of this nefarious business, but I see it done everyday. That's why my wife's family can't understand why I just don't go over to GZ, pay someone, and get the visa. In their eyes, based on their experience, it should be easy.

[AZwolfman]

It is however a Visa Topic Question.

 

How does a woman/man elude the unmarried certificate requirement?

 

Open Question!

Do you really think it wise to post the answer to this question here - in a place where potential guests who read it may be actually a future scamming immigrant?

[Mick]

It is however a Visa Topic Question.

 

How does a woman/man elude the unmarried certificate requirement?

 

Open Question!

Do you really think it wise to post the answer to this question here - in a place where potential guests who read it may be actually a future scamming immigrant?

Good point AZ, but believe me, the folks over here already know the answer much better than we do.

[AZwolfman]

It can be done here and costs nothing.

[SBS]

Thank you P.J after reading your letter i am glad to see you can think that way and share your deepest feeling and thoughts with us. your letter makes me not worry as much last night now. and glad you had a rest.

your words encourage me too here. Candle is really the place filled with love. and let me realize there are still the true love and faithful people with us.

You can read a lot unfaithful storys between hushand and wife in china. and it is worse in South. as a chinese i really can;t understand why people here is changing this fast. You can smell money in this whole country and what people want is just MONEY . it is really rare to see people will get marry only because they love each other. even when i wonderd why my freinds have BF but dont want to marry. they told me that becuase their boyfreinds dont have money . ..

only on candle and 001 you can see how sad we can be here when we miss our loved one. and how hard we try for our loved one. This is a family of love. I apprecaite you and other people here warm my heart and let me release my sadness and frustration here.

I am happy for everyone who get visa...

i really believe there is a GOD outthere. maybe he wont do anyting now but bad people will have a nightmare always with them in their life.

[Guest Riverguide]

 

Hi everyone : )

 

I have never posted before here.....and to tell the true have spent little

Time on this web site....Howevery my wife in China told me the Story

of PJ and my heart goes out to him.

 

A long time ago I was Married...Large house...two kids.....good job...

my world was nice......and then I found out my wife was cheating on

me....

 

6 years later I am still not over it.......the pain runs deep....and the untrust

of others is not far from my thoughts...........

 

Somtimes bad things happen to good people....it is just life...............

 

The pain will take awhile to go away PJ and for awhile you are going to

have to fight each and every day just to get out of bed.........................

 

I wish I could push a button and fast foreward your life ahead 2 years for you ........

 

You are a Good Guy PJ....this site proves it.....one of the hardest things in the world is to learn how to love another person...to understand and accept true love is a gift....not as easy as it sounds.....

 

By reading the post on this site.....I have come to understand that you

have this Gift.......

 

My advice to you is to take your gift and put it aside for awhile......and as time passes take it out and use it again......Life is for the living my wife Ling has shown me that.....

 

You truly have shined a light into many folks lives by creating this site...where there was darkness you had the vison to bring light.

 

I owe you PJ... for helping me and my wife out as we wait out this paperwork game...........

 

If you are ever in need of anything.......just ask...and we will be there..

like you were there for my wife.

 

 

Jim & Ling

Davis, Ca

[JonInDenver]

pj,

 

i would say feel free to share your thoughts and findings HERE. while that is not what the site was created for, the site has evolved into something very different.

 

in regards to Stats' posting... this is a very valid concern. i was duped many years ago by a girl in dalian. after i sent in the INS paperwork, she married someone else (a chinese man), then tried to come here on my visa without telling me she was coming. luckily her younger brother ratted her out, and some of my old government connections helped me to stop her from getting the visa.

 

my current fiancé's friend tends to "play the numbers." but i understand it to a point. many, probably most of the american men who talk to chinese women over the net, have no real intentions to 1.) fork out the money and travel to china, 2.) wade through up to 2 years of government CRAP to get her here.

 

our friend tends to talk to several men at once, hoping that ONE of them will make that commitment. it sounds crazy, but whoever will go the distance for her will have a REALLY great woman for a wife! she would stick with them, and i think it would have as much chance as any other marriage of working out.

 

my fiancé's parents say that this girl take's it too far, and they don't approve. and she has been "caught" by men who were smart enough to log onto the website and write to her under different names (or have friends write to her). and that has actually blown one of the best opportunities she has had. i personally don't approve, and i don't understand it entirely. but i know what it is like to be growing older, and to be painfully lonely (she's 46).

 

we all knew that there was risk involved in marrying a foreigner. we knew that it would take a long time to clear the paperwork, and once together, there would be new-greater hurdles along the way.

 

i don't think anyone thought the hurdles would be "booby-trapped" though. and starting out with someone who is so cold and manipulative is unfathomable.

 

yah, do your homework. become close with her family. and KNOW she is the one. it was REAL hard for me to trust after i started talking with my current fiancé. and when PJs incident occurred... those horrible memories and feelings came flooding back to me.

 

but this is all about hope. and sometimes that means taking a chance. my girl has shown me her heart over and over again. her family have accepted me far more than i ever could have hoped for. if i had any doubts, i wouldn't be fighting as hard for her as i am.

[Joseph-1]

It is however a Visa Topic Question.

 

How does a woman/man elude the unmarried certificate requirement?

 

Open Question!

Do you really think it wise to post the answer to this question here - in a place where potential guests who read it may be actually a future scamming immigrant?

#1 We have private messengers on this site. I am researching,and I am naturally cautious.

#2 Yes Paranoid. However If kept in its place. It serves a protective role.