Chinese lessons learned

[Dennis143]

This last week was such an education for me. Spending 24 hours each day with this woman taught me so much more about China, their customs, their attitudes, their value systems, their beliefs, their desires¡K.

 

My first thought is the fallacy that Chinese woman are submissive and controllable, this is so laughable to me now. These women know what they want. They have a very strong will. And, whoever believes that to go to China to find a wife whom they can control had better think again. While on the same subject, these women can be so very dedicated and loving, they also have a very keen idea of what a man should be and how stability is paramount to them. The open expressiveness of west men are so different to them. Where Chinese men are taught to be stoic and suppress feelings of sorrow, laughter, excitement, and love, western men are free to openly show these emotions. And, by displaying these, we can be seen as unstable. Yet, at the same time, Chinese woman are so intrigued by our unabashed enthusiasm for life.

 

My second lesson is how society can be so harsh in their judgment of Chinese women. No matter how good they are in their jobs and careers, even the slightest bit of innocent impropriety can cause gossip and smear someone¡¦s good name. To maintain a good face amongst constant public scrutiny is an ongoing challenge to these women. To maintain a good face is more important than showing good work. They must constantly follow a code of etiquette. And, pity some woman who is exuberant in life, as it can create a reputation for her that can never be cleared nor changed.

 

And, lastly, Chinese men do not like western men. They see us as a nuisance and men who only want to come to their country to change the attitudes of their women. So often did I endure the sneers and looks of disgust from men on the streets of Guangzhou, while arm in arm with my FeiFei. And, one time a man walked up to her and yelled ¡§Gi¡¨ into her ear as we were walking along the sidewalk. Yet, at the same time, showing her strength and fortitude to brush aside these remarks and continue to persevere....God, how these women are so strong...

Edited November 14, 2005 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[mercator]

I saw the need for propriety and public face in my wife. It took me a couple of days to get used to. When she was in her home town (which is small) or when she was at home, she had this different posture, outward manner, and etiquette. She had a less structured, but still obvious manner when we were about town with the translator (who travelled with us most of the time I was there). When we were alone together, the real 'her' came out. I look forward to her relaxing that public face when she is here, and sees that we here in the US, and especially in my little neck o' the woods are far less formal.

 

I also saw and continue to hear about how weiguoren are perceived by her fellow workers and even her family. Her brother is a bit of an alcholic and has apparently disgraced himself a few times by getting blottoed and telling my SO how he feels about her marrying a weiguoren. Her father has passed, so her mother is the family head, and she likes me, so I'm good (hehe).

 

She deals with regular gossip at work, because weiguoren are part enigma and part legend I guess. I sent her flowers the other day, and that seems to have mellowed a bit, because they can see that I love her, and not just hear her words.

 

On the streets, I had to deal with constant stares, "ch ch ch" from older people when we walked down the street hand in hand, and even marriage document checks at the hotels to verify I hadn't 'hired' her services for the night!

 

That all said, my SO is a very strong, very industrious woman who is and will always be my equal. She is no doting little housewife who will come running when I snap my fingers. You know what? That's fine with me!

[awch]

And, lastly, Chinese men do not like western men.?They see us as a nuisance and men who only want to come to their country to change the attitudes of their women.?

168540[/snapback]

My husband and just about every other Chinese man I knew when I lived in China have no problem with Western men.

 

How many lessons can you thoroughly learn about a huge country like China in just a week? I don't know how many I learned in two years.

Edited November 14, 2005 by awch (see edit history)

[Dennis143]

And, lastly, Chinese men do not like western men.?They see us as a nuisance and men who only want to come to their country to change the attitudes of their women.?

168540[/snapback]

My husband and just about every other Chinese man I knew when I lived in China have no problem with Western men.

 

How many lessons can you thoroughly learn about a huge country like China in just a week? I don't know how many I learned in two years.

168605[/snapback]

Amber, I realized after I wrote my post that I was being very generalisitic about Chinese men; however, I doubt in your lifetime will you ever have an American man walk up to you in the street and yell "whore" in your ear, because you are with Xiaoming.

[Joanne]

But, Dennis, I haven't ever heard this being said to me when I walked together with my husband. Nor heard this kind of story from my other lady friends who married to foreigners.

[awch]

And, lastly, Chinese men do not like western men.?They see us as a nuisance and men who only want to come to their country to change the attitudes of their women.?

168540[/snapback]

My husband and just about every other Chinese man I knew when I lived in China have no problem with Western men.

 

How many lessons can you thoroughly learn about a huge country like China in just a week? I don't know how many I learned in two years.

168605[/snapback]

Amber, I realized after I wrote my post that I was being very generalisitic about Chinese men; however, I doubt in your lifetime will you ever have an American man walk up to you in the street and yell "whore" in your ear, because you are with Xiaoming.

168619[/snapback]

Actually, Dennis, this has happened- more than once. But actually it's "Russian whore" instead of just plain whore. But it was by Chinese people (not just men), not Americans.

 

I'm in agreement with you that this is a part of Chinese culture that really stresses me out. It's one reason I don't want to live in China again.

Edited November 14, 2005 by awch (see edit history)

[Dennis143]

Amber, my apologies for my ignorant and general statement re Chinese men. Let me rephrase it to "a few Chinese men" and not ALL Chinese men.

 

Joanne, believe me that I do not make up stories for the sake of shock value. It is wonderful that you nor your friends have never endured this treatment. My Guangzhou woman is a mature, educated, and sophisticated woman who is a university professor. She certainly does not look like a 'Gi'. I never experienced treatment as this while in Nanning, Guilin, BaiHai, nor Beijing when I walked those streets with other Chinese women. However, when we walked the streets of Guangzhou at night, we were often greeted with jeers, cat-calls and sneers from men who were usually in groups. And, I am still pissed about it.

Edited November 14, 2005 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[Joanne]

Guangzhou seems not a pleasant place to be.

[skibum]

Dennis, your second point is very true. When my wife got here she said she liked it so much because she felt free. Not politicaly free but free from the gossip and stuff.

 

From reading the posts here for the past few years, I think that GZ and maybe all of that area is mostly factory workers and farmers. I think that they are more apt to discriminate than city people. Like here, it was usually the poor people who discriminated because they worried abouit their jobs.

 

I still don't understand why the large majority of guys here go looking for a wife in that area. You should check out the women in the cities also. It is nice to have a wife who could speak English, use a western toilet, and not worry too much about what her parents think about her relationship. We have never had cultural differences because we feel the same way about most things. I think that most things that are labeled cultural are actually just the way one family does things.

[david_dawei]

dennis, glad to hear of your trip and observations...

 

In my wife's city in the northeast, Baoding, you don't see the men behave as you describe... I would almost describe that city as one built on ethics relative to the other areas I have been to... behavior, particularly to foreigners (or at least my experience) was very good.

 

In my three trips I was able to visit Yunnan province in the southwest as well as the south, Guangzhou and Shenzhen. I would say that life (and people) differed in more ways than one...

[Trigg]

I've spent about 2 1/2 total months in china--mostly in Zhanjiang with about 2 weeks in GZ. I have never been treated rudely while there. In fact, I found the people to be genuine and very friendly towards me as well as my SO.

[MoonCarolCafe]

My first thought is the fallacy that Chinese woman are submissive and controllable, this is so laughable to me now.

 

Wait, you mean you actually thought that?

 

[Dennis143]

My first thought is the fallacy that Chinese woman are submissive and controllable, this is so laughable to me now.

 

Wait, you mean you actually thought that?

 

168693[/snapback]

Well....maybe, one time, a long long time ago....it might of crossed my mind...

[MoonCarolCafe]

Guangzhou seems not a pleasant place to be.

168632[/snapback]

GZ is a VERY nice place to be. Aside from the humidity it's a very very nice city. My only bad experiences were related to things that went on inside the consulate. (My near assault of an innocent man did not occur in GZ)

[Dennis143]

Guangzhou seems not a pleasant place to be.

168632[/snapback]

GZ is a VERY nice place to be. Aside from the humidity it's a very very nice city. My only bad experiences were related to things that went on inside the consulate. (My near assault of an innocent man did not occur in GZ)

168698[/snapback]

I think Skibum said it best and my GZ woman also pointed this out to me; that GZ is an industrial city. It is inhabited by a very large multi-racial immigrant Asian population. I opted to stay in 3 and 4 star hotels for the first half of my visit. These hotels were in areas that were super crowded with people and traffic, the likes that I have never seen anywhere else in my limited travels in China. Possibly, these areas were more apt to have a less tolerant group of people....I really don't know the answer. I decided to spend the second half of my week at the 5-Star Garden Hotel and the rest of my trip was very pleasant.

Edited November 14, 2005 by Dennis143 (see edit history)