Culture and children - need advice

[BuffaloPaul]

We've talked alot about the culture issues that your SO faces here. Not sure I've seen much on children.

 

I have some children from a previous and a new step-daughter. They are all about the same age. Anybody have any experience integrating families? Our first weekend together did not go so well

[Stone]

We've talked alot about the culture issues that your SO faces here. Not sure I've seen much on children.

 

I have some children from a previous and a new step-daughter.  They are all about the same age. Anybody have any experience integrating families?  Our first weekend together did not go so well

156916[/snapback]

If your stepdaughter from China is very young (elementary school age), I bet she will learn English and adapt to American culture VERY FAST. I wouldn't worry about that. Since you have children from two marriages, you need to make sure you treat them equally and give them the same amount of LOVE. Also talk to your wife about your feeling, and let your wife show her love toward your children from the prior marriage. I think she will understand that and will cooperate with you. Overall, you need to pay more attention to your stepdaughter, as she is new to the country and needs sometime for adjustment in the new family environment. Good luck!

[warpedbored]

This sounds like it is right up Trigg's alley but let me give a shot at it. You didn't give any details as to why it didn't go so well. If I had to guess I would say birth daughter is maybe jealous of step daughter and feels you might replace her or like the step daughter better. It might just be a more of a family dynamics issue than cultural.

[frank1538]

My 8, soon to be 9 year old son, has not been a happy camper. Like a typical kid, his tastes in food run the gamut from McDonald's to Burger King. I made a deal with him. Every time Jingwen eats American food, he'll eat Chinese food. Believe me, this was more of a concession on Jingwen's part than his, but he's starting to come around.

 

He also has not adjusted well to having three new family members, but finding common ground with them, for example, video games, has helped. Now that the family is speaking a little better English, he is actually communicating with them. Also, a little more one on one time, like with Little League and Cub Scouts, seems to be helping him understand that he is just as important now as he was before Jingwen and the kids arrived.

[skibum]

Having married a woman with a son almost the same age as mine, I saw all the things that can go wrong. So, in my rules of dating I suggested that you marry a woman with no kids. The just complicate a relationship and our relationships are complex enough as it is.

 

Good luck and I hope you have a better experience than I did.

[Trigg]

No time to go into detail now but things will go much smoother if you give the American kids ownership in assimilating the chinese one. Make them feel that you need their help making the adjustment period easier for the Chinese child. They will lose the jelousy thing and take pride in her becomneing one of the family.

 

More later--gotta go

[BuffaloPaul]

My kids do not seem to be upset or jealous. Its my SO and daughter that are upset. I think she had the idea that somehow my kids would magically make friends with her daughter.

Some issues:

- my kids like watching movies and playing video games but step daughter is not interested in the later and can't understand movies yet

- mother and daughter talk to each other in Chinese

 

The two groups are basically isolated from each other and misinterpreting each others actions or tones (you know how harsh Chinese can sound)

[Stone]

My kids do not seem to be upset or jealous. Its my SO and daughter that are upset.  I think she had the idea that somehow my kids would magically make friends with her daughter.

Some issues:

- my kids like watching movies and playing video games but step daughter is not interested in the later and can't understand movies yet

- mother and daughter talk to each other in Chinese

 

The two groups are basically isolated from each other and misinterpreting each others actions or tones (you know how harsh Chinese can sound)

156941[/snapback]

-- Put yourself in their shoes: Imagine you and your children emigrate to China. It would be a miracle if you and your American-born children could talk in Chinese soon after you arrive there. Do not feel "left-out" when your wife and stepdaughter talk in Chinese, because that is the only language they can speak at the moment! You stepdaughter will learn English fast, at much faster pace than her mom. In a few years, she would rather speak English than Chinese. Also your American-born children might want to learn some Chinese, it is always good to be mutil-lingual.

-- Your stepdaughter needs a little time to make friends with her American brothers/sisters. Remember she grew up in a different environment. She will like watching movies and playing video games just as her brothers/sisters do and will be fully adapted to American culture before you realize. You have shown your patience when you brought them over. Why would you show your patience, understanding and support to your beloved ones again?

[warpedbored]

How old are the children in question?

[BuffaloPaul]

How old are the children in question?

157058[/snapback]

Step -daughter is 12, my daughter is 13, and my boys are 14, 15. Part of the problem is my kids are teenagers and getting very independent, have their own friends and lots of established activiities.

[sylinchinastill]

I agree with Trigg- if you ask your 13 year old daughter to help out with your 12 year old step-daughter's english, then she will feel like she can help. I think it will be a period of adjustment for your kids though.

[philb]

Just a thought:

 

I took my 17 year old daughter and 19 year old son over to meet the family - including 17 year old LiJing (boy), 19 year old Zhang (nephew), 15 year old Tiantian (niece) and Eric's two children - Lulu and Jack.

 

I think that being literally at the mercy and dependence of this family for a couple of weeks and seeing their culture will help all of us when we can all be together. I gave them the stand-by hand translator and turned them loose. Yes, they hit the computer outlets and drank some beers together...etc.

 

The outcome: my son decided to sign up for a 5 unit class in reading writing and speaking CHINESE at ASU. My SO and future stepson continue taking english lessons in NanNing along with other family members. My son and daughter both took turns teaching at this school in Nanning on several occasions.

 

So - communications will play a role. It is my opinion that when your step daughter (quickly) grasps english....and maybe your children go after a little chinese, things will get better. I agree with Trigg in offering your daughter a role of leadership and praise her for it. Remember to try and carve out a little time alone with each child and reinforce how important they are to you.

 

I (attempted) blending a family in past years. It is not an easy thing to do. Keep in mind that none of these children had much of a vote in you and your SO's coming together. I think that the key word after communication is love.

 

Best of luck,

 

Phil

[Darlene2005]

I had a 12-year-old girl too. My Peter got along very well with her. They are good friends. I think communications are very important between step kids and parents.

 

Good luck!!!

[tywy_99]

My kids do not seem to be upset or jealous. Its my SO and daughter that are upset.  I think she had the idea that somehow my kids would magically make friends with her daughter.

Some issues:

- my kids like watching movies and playing video games but step daughter is not interested in the later and can't understand movies yet

- mother and daughter talk to each other in Chinese

 

The two groups are basically isolated from each other and misinterpreting each others actions or tones (you know how harsh Chinese can sound)

156941[/snapback]

Hi Paul,

 

We're both facing a dilemma with teenage adolecence. I don't have much to say since I'm just learning about it myself.

My wife and her daughter also speak to each other in their native tongue. I see it as their bond, the one thing they have in common with each other in a strange land, so it doesn't bother me.

Don't have much to offer you but I'm starting to understand it. All I can say is Keep the faith and hang in there. I'll do the same.

 

-good luck

[natrigon]

My kids do not seem to be upset or jealous. Its my SO and daughter that are upset.  I think she had the idea that somehow my kids would magically make friends with her daughter.

Some issues:

- my kids like watching movies and playing video games but step daughter is not interested in the later and can't understand movies yet

- mother and daughter talk to each other in Chinese

 

The two groups are basically isolated from each other and misinterpreting each others actions or tones (you know how harsh Chinese can sound)

156941[/snapback]

My seven year old american son has the following advice in getting along with his 18 year old chinese sister and chinese mother....

 

My son suggests that they learn to skateboard together, he watches chinese cartoons with her and he helps her English.

 

Also on Wed night the whole family must speak Enghlish at dinner time. Other nights anything goes.

 

Good Luck