Great culture challenge when you marry her

[Stone]

Well, as I have lived in both China and USA for an extended period of time, I feel kind of obliged to offer my knowledge about Chinese culture and what you might encounter when you marry a Chinese woman. I guess all you guys want is a long lasting relationship as you have invested so much, so getting to know the Chinese culture might help her transition period once she arrives. Please note that the views offered here are general, as everyone's situation is individualized and different.

 

Some of the culture differences that you and she might encounter are:

(1) Food: If your SO is very young (in 20's), she might adapt herself to the American food. But if she is a little older and more deeply rooted in the Chinese way of living, it would be very difficult for her to swallow the Western style food. Many Chinese cook their vegetables (not salad) and use a lot of cooking oil. You might say, you like Chinese food. But can you eat Chinese food for 90% of your meals?

(2) Entertainment: When she gets here, do you expect her to enjoy the soap operas or American baseball games? For younger Chinese woman, they might. But I guess most would rather watch Chinese movies and TV series.

(3) Living: Modern Chinese society has changed, as Chinese women are playing more dominate roles in society and especially in family. A lot of Chinese husbands share the bulk of the housework and are expert cook. So your SO may expect you the same as their "would-be Chinese husbands". Also do not yell loud in your house, because that is considered very negative in Chinese culture.

(4) Finance: Chinese have a very high savings rate. Some Chinese woman cannot understand why Americans have such high credit card debt. They expect you to be a husband with good budget in mind.

(4) Communications: Deep and mutual understanding of each other's feeling is much more than the language itself. For instance, Chinese are more detail-oriented and subtle in their relationship. A seemingly tiny event/thing could hurt her feelings even though she may not tell you.

 

Young Chinese girls have very high expectations of their American life. They may not understand the high costs of living here. You may want to lower her expectation before she comes. For older Chinese women, letting them adapt fully to American cultures remains a challenge. You may find that your SO would rather talk to a Chinese here in America to communicate.

 

With all that said, I think the love will overcome any obstacles in your relationship. Knowing what you can expect from her, trying to educate her about American life as much as you can and a little research from both of you would definitely help in the long run. My two cents. May God bless your marriage!

[skibum]

Well, I really like cooked lettuce. The rest of the stuff we think the same about. I have not noticed any changes that affected her. Well adapted.

[Guest Gene]

Nice bits of information......Thanks

[BuffaloPaul]

lot of cultural differences in children as well. I am starting to see them now between my children and step daughter. Even young Chinese are all about saving face. Hope they can adjust to each other.

[Thomas Promise]

lot of cultural differences in children as well. I am starting to see them now between my children and step daughter. Even young Chinese are all about saving face.  Hope they can adjust to each other.

156908[/snapback]

Thanks for the info. A very good post!

[MoonCarolCafe]

Be sure he/she understands that TV programs from the USA do NOT accurately portray life in America any more than Chinese dramas accurately portray everyday life in China.

[The Jeff]

Be sure he/she understands that TV programs from the USA do NOT accurately portray life in America any more than Chinese dramas accurately portray everyday life in China.

156945[/snapback]

They don't?

[Tom]

Great points! I see all these traits in my wife.

 

(1) Food: My wife eats 90% Chinese food. Of that, she prepares almost all of it herself (she doesn't like the food in our 'Chinese' restaurants). I eatChinese food for 90% of my meals (and that's ok - she's a great cook).

 

(2) Entertainment: She ONLY watches Chinese movies and TV series.

 

(3) Living: "A lot of Chinese husbands share the bulk of the housework and are expert cook." - I'm in trouble here

 

(4) Finance: "cannot understand why Americans have such high credit card debt." - In trouble here too

 

(4) Communications: "Deep and mutual understanding of each other's feeling is much more than the language itself" - Great point!

 

I'd like to stress "getting to know the Chinese culture might help her transition period once she arrives". This isn't a one way street - it's not just your SO assimilating to your culture. To understand her, you've got to understand his/her culture.

 

If you respect your SO, have a respect and understanding for his/her culture and be open to accepting new ideas and new ways of looking at things and doing things.

[Jeikun]

I would say Jun eats about 50% Chinese food that she cooks herself. Every one in a while she will go on a cooking rampage and make 6 dishes and fill up the fridge, then we eat Chinese food all week (I'm NOT complaining) so far I like all of her cooking except for "drunk chicken" (of course when I told her that she couldn't be happier because she loves it and can keep it all to herself.) I cook some of the time usually western food, which she calls "fat food" (but likes anyway) though I've occasionally shocked her by making congee or a noodle dish. My Japanese-style curry is her favorite.

 

Restaurants - she hates Chinese, but loves Korean, Japanese, and Thai. It's funny how they remain more authentic. Jun thinks the food there tastes more like Chinese food than the Chinese restaurants. Though she enjoys a lot of the western restaurants too - Just not mexican food (she doesn't like corn tortillas, chili powder, or salsa which pretty much covers your typical menu here).

 

Music - 95% Chinese. I bought her an ipod last Christmas, and it is the most used gift I have ever bought anyone. We even have it set to broadcast to the car stereo when we are driving somewhere.

 

Movies - almost never watches movies or TV. Prefers western shows/movies, but would rather have Chinese subtitles - and will refuse to watch if it isn't at least closed captioned in English. Pretty much kills going to the theater (been to see Kung-fu hustle, and forced her to see Revenge of the Sith). She LOVES South Park, though. And yes, it has influenced her English.

 

Living - She used to do 99% of the housework (not including cooking), but now that she's working part time, I do more (not as much as she would like, I think) but at least I clean up after myself... usually... I do a lot of the cooking though.

 

Finance - It's a struggle. Jun was very well off in China. Here it ain't so. She's not used to having to worry about money, budget, etc. Debt is frightening to her (hell, and me too). This has been one of the hardest things for her to get used to, but we're both working on the situation, and we'll rise above it together.

 

Communications - It's been a bit of a struggle for me learning how to deal with the way she communicates, and vice versa. Further details are too private (or maybe I just don't want to get caught divulging them) but we're making slow progress.

[Dan R]

Be sure he/she understands that TV programs from the USA do NOT accurately portray life in America any more than Chinese dramas accurately portray everyday life in China.

156945[/snapback]

They don't?

157116[/snapback]

By the Avatar are you implying Star Trek may not be a factual documentary?

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

This is good information. I was beginning to think that a period of adjustment was determined by the swing of a mop....

[Stone]

Glad to see that Tom's family and Jeikun's family are all happy. Remember you have an internatonal family and all of you will learn/enjoy the virtues of other cultures. Chinese ladies like to be "pampered". You guys keep up good work and will be happy for the rest of your life!

[Mick]

Well, I really like cooked lettuce.  The rest of the stuff we think the same about. I have not noticed any changes that affected her. Well adapted.

156698[/snapback]

I really like the cooked lettuce also, Ski. Used to eat it quite often when I lived in China. Down south, they served it in oyster sauce. Fantastic!

[tonado]

The biggest problem for my wife is her phobia of bacteria and cleaness. She wants to put a water filter system on the kitchen sink even though we already use a Brita container to filter the water. She also wants to put a shower head that filters contaminants. When I used Clorox to clean the kitchen or bathroom sinks, she worried the stuff will make her sick. And I was trying to help. When I hold her hand, she would ask if my hand is clean. When I go to the bathroom, she would say that I should take longer in washing my hands or shower. Furthermore, she wants me to buy a new washing machine because it has been used by the former house owner.

[ndjarrett]

I am an expert at cookin on the grill. Thats it. She knew it coming in. LOL. I am (usually) quite willing to jump in and help her prepare...but really dont care to now how to be an expert cook. I love her Chinese cooking so that is not a problem. And, I still get pizza every now and then...usually MY home cooked pizza which even she loves. We found she likes Mexcan food. And we have a new restaurant here that, unlike any other I have been to, will give you SPICY food when you ask for it (hello jalapeno) MMMMMM.

 

Like I said in another post...satelite is worth the extra cost. Yaya will even watch tv with me if CC is turned on. She wont watch comedies since she cannot understand the funniness of the English yet...but will watch any other kind of movie with me.

 

Housecleaning aint no problem. I feel I do my fair share. I typically tend to b a bit of a neatness freak anyways.

 

I have been accused of being a penny-pincher (among other things) by my Xs. Now, I find that Yaya is more worried about how much we spend at times than me...which is GREAT.

 

She brought some of her own CDs. Her parents send her stuff too. And, she foound some internet sites that she listen to (when I am not working). Unfortunately, I have been listening to less of my "noise" (heavy metal baby!)...oh well. I can still put on the headphones and CRANK it up.

 

She wanted a garden. I am NOT a gardener (well...was not...am now). LOL...that has been a trip. But we actually got a decent gardem (after we planted the 2nd time because we probably pulled half the 1st one thinkin it was weeds). She even found some Chinese vegatables to plant when we were in Chicago in FEB.

 

She, like others mentioned here, will NOT eat anything unless it is cooked AND hot. People always get surprised when we go out and she asks for hot water to drink. She will actually take a few bites of ice cream...otherwise it MUST be at least warm for her to eat it.

 

I have gotten used to the idea of two different meals. What that means is, if I cook hot dogs or hamburgers, then she will just make herself some noodles and vegatables. Now, If I cook steak & taters & cobs...she will make a meal outta the taters & cobs.