Instead of Red Flags....

[Dennis143]

There's been a lot of discussion lately about red flags and warning signals. I would like to ask the opposite. What were some of the possitive signals that your SO gave you that let you know that she was not a visa chaser?

 

Early on, while Instant Messaging with my SO, I had asked her to send her paperwork via Chinese UPS. Four weeks had passed and I had not received her paperwork. She told me that she was sorry that she had sent it via EMS (Chinese parcel post). I jokingly said that 'Well, I guess you won't be here until 2006 now, because you sent it by slow boat from China.' Her exact response was (I saved the IM):

 

meilady: Very sorry,My city have not UPS, only have MES.So I only use MES mail you( Very sorry, I forget tell you about this(

dennis: well, I guess you come to US in 2006 then

meilady: Why I need long time can with you together in USA???

dennis: because you send package by slow boat from China (joke)

meilady: I feel very misery for this( I want with you together early

meilady: In that long time, Can you to go to see me again??

 

Right then, I knew her only concern was to be with me and that any early apprehensions were now gone.

Edited September 11, 2005 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[LeeFisher3]

On my first trip to China I came down with the worst cold of my life. She finally insisted that I allow her to get cold medicine for me. Being a big strong man:P I refused to allow such a little thing as a cold to slow me down, until it did.

 

I didn't realize how serious this was to her until one night she burst into tears claiming she was at fault for me becoming ill. It took all that I had to console her and explain that it was only a cold.

 

While I thought I had seen her heart before this, I truly saw it on this occasion and her honest concern for my welfare touched me so deeply I vowed to never give her cause to feel this pain again.

[Cerberus]

Dennis, Very simple for myself;

 

1) I deliberately tested her. Mere mention of an ex-wife, girlfriend, etc. would absolutely put her into a Chinese lather and crying. I hated to do it. However, I have been “burnt before.“ Wouldn’t happen again! IMHO, jealousy is a basic prime motivator . A person is then able to see quite clearly how passionate the partner is about the other. These days, I no longer need to use it. She has passed the “acid test.“ The greater the love is, the greater her/his selfishness they have for their mate will be.

 

2) Simple writings and care that we see every day. Yet, many do not think about them My father passed and was scheduled to be buried. Yin and I at that time, had only been talking a short time month maybe a month a half. Part of her letter…

 

…”Although he has passed away, he will live in our hearts forever. I feel he is a kind, tender and gentle old man from his lovely voice. He was so kind. He shouldn‘t have passed away so quickly…. Your father left us so quickly. It really makes us feel the life is so short and tiny. Our life is always like a big kindergarten. In the morning, God gives many toys and food to us. In the evening, he take all of these back and make you experience a pain that you gained, but had to lose. To most people, this is very painful more than the happiness of receiving. So this is the pain of death…

 

The letter was read in it’s entirety at the eulogy. Pardon the expression; “…there wasn’t a dry eye in the house…” The depth of the heart showed to me exactly how sincere and passionate the woman is. “Green card ride,” I would seriously doubt this. Otherwise, she simply wouldn’t have cared at all. Why waste time talking about a old laowei that has passed.

 

3) How many times that she puts up with my crap. The average reader can glean from the postings that I make, that there is not a single dull day in my home. She has put up with more of my humor than some men could stand. Yet, she still comes back for more. At times, she exacts her revenge with tricks of her own. Guess who the recipent is. There are few Green card rides" that would put up with this for such a long time.

 

4) How many times I PO her off. (Another test I performed before any commitment.) This leads to an argument and verbal harassment. However, when the anger passes, she always had time to realize exactly that sometimes she is being stubborn. Then she is able to laugh at herself. Then all is forgiven….Well at least most of the time (LOL) . If you do not have a humorous marriage and have differences, then I submit that your marriage is in deep trouble.

 

5) When she begins crying on the telephone, when we talk lamenting that we are separated. Unfortunately, this is quite often. Both when we were fiancée and still continues today, while being married.

 

6) How PO’d she gets at China Customs for having the audacity to hold our paperwork at the customs clearing area. This was good for a tirade that lasted a good 10 minutes while she cursed, them, their mothers, etc. Never seen a woman get this PO’d before. Mules in the back pasture were running for the back side fence, with their ears down.

 

7) Were married and every time a woman looks at me, (usually to see which side of the sidewalk, I’m on) leaves her in a lather. This refers to Item 1.

 

These are just a few. There are many more and I’m sure that other forum members have stories with the same similar slant

[Steve and Qingqing]

The one thing that sticks out for me is that she has mentioned a few times that she never wants me to leave her ever...Even when I die..In fact she said I cant Die before her..and if i did. she would want to die with me because she said if I was gone she would have no reason to live any longer...So I guess I have to be immortal now....

[jim_julian]

All I need to do is look into her eyes ... she loves me deeply, as I do her.

[tonado]

The one thing that sticks out for me is that she has mentioned a few times that she never wants me to leave her ever...Even when I die..In fact she said I cant Die before her..and if i did. she would want to die with me because she said if I was gone she would have no reason to live any longer...So I guess I have to be immortal now....

153209[/snapback]

You have a tradition SO. I have seemed that in Chinese movies. The wife will kill herself after her husband dies.

[skibum]

The one thing that sticks out for me is that she has mentioned a few times that she never wants me to leave her ever...Even when I die..In fact she said I cant Die before her..and if i did. she would want to die with me because she said if I was gone she would have no reason to live any longer...So I guess I have to be immortal now....

153209[/snapback]

You have a tradition SO. I have seemed that in Chinese movies. The wife will kill herself after her husband dies.

153271[/snapback]

My wife was very happy in China and did not particularly want to come to the US and leave her parents. But now that she is here, likes it. She came because she loves me. She is never jealous as she knows I love her. A funny thing - a couple of nights ago, a friend that I had seen in Taiwan and who had visited me, called to see how married life was treating me. We talked a while and I had Sweetie talk to her to get her e-mail. The next night she called and asked to speak to Sweetie. They talked for quite a while and then Sweetie told me that I have very nice friends. She will come visit us.

[leejcandle]

1. 3 visits to China, 6 months in America, and now 2 total years of relationship: I could see she is a very family oriented person. Even now, her biggest daily concerns are her son and her parents in China.

2. One of my nieces (25 years old) watched our video we made for the consulate. She gave me the comment: "Wow, that woman really loves you."

3. She was never concerned about the green card process, maybe didn't even know it existed. She didn't study the concept and details until a couple of months after it arrived.

4. Her primary concepts of love and happiness stem from experiences in her family growing up. This I get from scores of anecdotes she's told me from her childhood.

5. She explained to me yesterday that the ample money she and her ex had (from successful business) didn't equate to happiness; but in fact was part of the misery.

6. I believe I know her true motivation; a blissful relationship with her husband and family.

 

This list isn't well thought out; just the things that come to mind as clues to her core being. I may re-post later as I think of more "romantic" stuff; she is very romantic.

[philb]

Some quick positives:

 

1) I mentioned that I might just come live with her in China. She replied, "OK, maybe live in America for 6 years then retire in China, or come now".

 

2) I mentioned that if things got hung up that maybe we would go to another country such as Brazil or Australia. She replied, "Does not matter, I just want to be with you". Last time I checked; Brazil doesn't issue Green Cards for the U.S.A.

 

3) She talks and treats all of our children as one family. There is no jealousy. My children lived with her for 2 weeks and were looked upon as hers and part of the family. Every family member from aunts to Mama to brother and sisters - niece and nephew have dined with me; traveled with me; attended ESL school with me (in NanNing); many of her friends have invited us into their homes for social occasions...that means plenty of food!

 

4) I asked her what her immediate goals were upon arrival. She listed; go to school and learn better english; get a job; cook good meals and make me happy...if I am happy then she is happy.

 

I am most likely in the majority that look within themselves and ask...am I just a meal ticket or a vehicle to a green card?

 

All I can say for certain is, "I hope not".

 

Doesn't sound like green card collusion to me. And yes, I have looked into her eyes...and her heart.

 

Phil

[izus]

either my chick is a really great liar or she is the sweetest most sincere person i have ever met, ive tried to catch her more then once and each time she comes through with flying colors.

 

i think eventually she would miss something. like she would say one thing and then later say something else the amount of time we talk i think it would just be too much dedication if it was not from her heart.

 

she has also told me that she really doesnt want to come here to live and the only reason why she would come here is that im here.

it is just too far away from her family.

Edited September 12, 2005 by izus (see edit history)

[Jim - Portland, USA]

There were many many little things that indicated to me that she was true, honest, and genuine. Similar to the things above. Including the "let's live elsewhere" thing. In the very beginning, I mentioned to her that I (honestly) would like to live in China, or elsewhere in Asia. She became excited when I mentioned the possbility of me immigrating to China instead of vice versa. She said "Doesn't matter where we live, as long as we are together".

 

But perhaps the biggest "green flag" that I saw came when I met her WHOLE family! I was the first guy that she had ever introduced to her family. And I was honored to have met her mother and father.

 

Her father and I had a serious conversation as I was essentially asking for her hand in marriage. We exchanged some more heavy and emotional words, and somewhere towards the end I got a "You hurt my daughter and you won't live to regret it". Then shortly after that he wished us the best and all the happiest in the world

 

Later I met the rest of her family, mother, 2 sisters, 1 brother, 3 grandparents, many many autns and uncles, and countless cousins. I had good timing during that visit - it coincided with her grandmother's 81st birthday. Her whole entire family treats her grandmother like a queen, and her birthday party was an amazing and incredible event - capped off with a 1-hour fireworks show that rivaled any 4th of July show in America. Anyway, it was then that I met and talked with so many members of her family, all asking me a million questions and giving us their blessings.

 

Ain't no doubts 'bout nothing after meeting her family like that

Edited September 12, 2005 by Jim - Portland, USA (see edit history)

[Yuanyang]

Australia was her first choice, me in China the second, I suggested Canada or New Zealand so we settled on the USA.

 

From what little I learned re:Australia, we both could be there now.

[ameriken]

There's been a lot of discussion lately about red flags and warning signals.  I would like to ask the opposite.  What were some of the possitive signals that your SO gave you that let you know that she was not a visa chaser?

 

Early on, while Instant Messaging with my SO, I had asked her to send her paperwork via Chinese UPS.  Four weeks had passed and I had not received her paperwork.  She told me that she was sorry that she had sent it via EMS (Chinese parcel post).  I jokingly said that 'Well, I guess you won't be here until 2006 now, because you sent it by slow boat from China.'  Her exact response was (I saved the IM):

 

meilady: Very sorry,My city have not UPS, only have MES.So I only use MES mail you( Very sorry, I forget tell you about this(

dennis: well, I guess you come to US in 2006 then

meilady: Why I need long time can with you together in USA???

dennis: because you send package by slow boat from China (joke)

meilady: I feel very misery for this( I want with you together early

meilady: In that long time, Can you to go to see me again??

 

Right then, I knew her only concern was to be with me and that any early apprehensions were now gone.

153183[/snapback]

Thank you for such a positive post!

I have been looking for these positives !

 

My SO gives me so many green flags. In fact, I have been searching for red flags and the only ones I have found are on flagpoles there! Some of the green flags:

 

***Meeting her parents, then her whole family

*** She spent all her money on me. Paid for taxi from the airport, bought me food, bought my mother a gift, and when she ran out of money, she would not let me give it back to her. When we met with her family at a restaurant, she was so concerned making a good impression, that when she got her monthly salary deposit of 2000 yuan, she took out 1000 (1/2 her monthly pay) and gave me the cash and told me to use it if I needed to. We didnt, and I gave it back of course

*** We talk on MSN every day, and she uses an internet cafe, and that costs her about 400 to 500 yuan a month. We talk 6 to 10 hours per day! She has only missed one day since we first met and that was in the beginning ! Every day, she is there, online ! ! !

*** She has bought other things for me, pants, a book, all on her own

*** She has never knitted, and is making a scarf for me, her bao bao, to be ready for my December trip.

*** She talks with my mother online too.

*** Her eyes light up every time I schedule a trip there

*** When I first came to China, I went for 10 full days. She told me she would not leave me alone, and wanted to get all the time off from work. She ran into some difficulty, and told me not to worry, she will quit her job if they did not give her the time off! ! ! She said if I am coming all the way to China to meet her, she will spend every minute with me ! !

And there are many similar things that others have said in their posts. Can you imagine an american woman doing these? I can't !

These women know how to give, and they deserve the very best we can give them, and what they want most, is to be loved and respected ! !

[Dennis143]

Ameriken,

 

Yep, she's a keeper, alright!

[ameriken]

Ameriken,

 

Yep, she's a keeper, alright!

153583[/snapback]

Thanks Dennis, I think we can say the same about all of the women in this thread.

This is one topic I would like to see stay alive. While we all need to show care in meeting someone, our eyes cannot be blinded to the good that is out there. And reading these posts, you can see so much good !