Does your Lau Puo do all the housework

[Dennis143]

From Jim's (SINOTEXAS) URL http://www.immi.se/intercultural/nr4/gao.htm

In Culture and conditioned perception, The world looks different Post

 

After reading this:

 

Social Status

 

.....immigrants may come across a number of problems. To start with, many Chinese students have to lower what they think is social status. Not only do they have to work but also be engaged in lower social status manual work such as cleaning and washing dishes. For some this is to lose face and many of them would not write home to tell their families and friends about their work and life.

 

The fact that these students had to do the kind of work they did not like to do and that they found the situation face-losing is partly cultural partly economical. It is economical because economic circumstances have forced them to do manual work. It is cultural because in China this kind of work is considered demeaning, a fact of which is reflected in the Chinese language. There is a range of linguistic terms in China to embrace a discourse associated with this kind of manual labour done by ahyi (maid), such as nongmin (peasant), mei wenhua de ren (uncultured or uneducated person), xiangxia ren (the country people).

 

I would like to know what experiences CFL members have had with their SO, when or if they try to do chores (help with dishes, housework etc). Will he or she allow your help?

 

Any of you, who have your Ti Ti with you, can share some of your experience of what the early days, weeks and months were like, so that I can get a flavor of what I may expect. It would be greatly appreciated.

Edited August 24, 2005 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[tonado]

Usually, my wife prefers to do the dishes because she said I don't wash them clean. She wastes too much water. I usually vaccuum and she would dust.

[Steve and Qingqing]

Help? allow me to help her??? Give me a break... My SO expects me to do ALL the cooking and cleaning and chores... Since Ive done all this for the past 7 years.. she tells me Im a good house husband.....I dont mind doing the cooking or cleaning as long as she helps somewhat... I dont want a woman cooking for me...and id feel bad if she did all the cleaning..This wont be a problem since she doesnt want to or know how to use a laundry machine or dryer or vaccum....

[Dennis143]

Help? allow me to help her??? Give me a break... My SO expects me to do ALL the cooking and cleaning and chores... Since Ive done all this for the past 7 years.. she tells me Im a good house husband.....I dont mind doing the cooking or cleaning as long as she helps somewhat... I dont want a woman cooking for me...and id feel bad if she did all the cleaning..This wont be a problem since she doesnt want to or know how to use a laundry machine or dryer or vaccum....

149412[/snapback]

That's funny. So how do you "save face"? Just kidding.....

[BuffaloPaul]

My SO told me she doesn't mind doing all the housework. But she thinks things like gardening and DIY are work that she is not too enthused about. She is very used to hiring people to do just about anything around her house.

[HanLi]

My wife accepts my help but never asks for it!!!

[Dennis143]

My wife accepts my help but never asks for it!!!

149425[/snapback]

Hank et al, I'm just trying to get a flavor of what the first few weeks or months may be like. Was it always this easy, the sharing of the household chores, did she readily accept it or did you have to show her and teach her that this is the American, or at least your way of doing things?

 

I read so much about the separation of home duties between the Chinese female and male and the male needing to save face etc that I'm trying to get an idea of what I can expect, from those who have gone before me. Or, please, anything that you can share with me that will help the transistion as smooth as possible.

 

Thanks

Edited August 24, 2005 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[Cerberus]

My wife accepts my help but never asks for it!!!

149425[/snapback]

Hank et al, I'm just trying to get a flavor of what the first few weeks or months may be like. Was it always this easy, the sharing of the household chores, did she readily accept it or did you have to show her and teach her that this is the American, or at least your way of doing things?

 

I read so much about the separation of home duties between the Chinese female and male and the male needing to save face etc that I'm trying to get an idea of what I can expect, from those who have gone before me. Or, please, anything that you can share with me that will help the transistion as smooth as possible.

 

Thanks

149457[/snapback]

Dennis,

 

Silly question, all of the men in this forum know whose in charge. Our wives, of course (LOL) Just kidding.

 

In all seriousness, it depends on the individual woman. Some have been raised in a home enviornment that the women did all the work, and the men were the breadwinners and didn't do housework at all. They continue on this same path. Other women and men are more modern and liberated. They expect a man to help them cook and clean. Therefore, there is no loss of face on either party. Then, there are the lazy ones, which are thankfully a minority.

 

My suggestion: Talk with her. Ask her what she expects you to do. Help with the dishes, vacum, clean floors, or generally pick up behind yourself. A good woman will have no hesistation in telling you her desires.

 

My wife hates me to be in the kitchen when she is cooking. Either she "owns" the kitchen and does the cooking, or I "own" kitchen and do the cooking. In this area we never share. However, I volunteer to do dishes for her since she spent the better part of the evening cooking.

 

In regard to housework, generally I keep up after myself, take care of her items at the same time. I spent a lot of time in the military and I believe in being organized and neat. Therefore, the house stays acceptable all the time. Yin doesn't have to do much housework, since I have already done it. NO loss of face to me. Housework has been one issue that we never had a reason to discuss. Simply put, because she is my wife. I respect and love her. So helping her with housework is one small way to show that I love her.

 

In short, If I wanted a maid to clean my house and take care of me, I would have married a maid.

 

Just talk to your better half. You will know for sure then.

[Dennis143]

I am much the same as you. Having been single for some time now and always being steadfast at doing my own household chores, I am not the type to sit and expect my new lau pua to do everything. It's just not in my nature. However, from her letters and our discussions, she seems to want to put her very never ending and very demanding and important duties and guanxi behind her. Because it's not in my nature just to kick back, have a cold one and have her feed me, clean me etc, I was wondering how she might react to my washing my own plate, as an example. Would she view this as a task that is demeaning. I suppose only time will tell and I will just work it out on my own. But, it sure would be beneficial to learn from those who have already gone down this path.

Edited August 24, 2005 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[jim_julian]

For my 26 day visit to China, where I met the whole family, I rented a furnished apartment. I got a 3BR apartment on purpose so Mama and Baba and my Chinese teenage daughter could move in with us.

 

At first they all wanted to serve me. There was a big language barrier as M&B speak no English. On about day 3 I had a "meeting" with everyone at the dining table after dinner. Lao po translated:

 

Me: Am I a member of the family?

 

Them: Nods and yesses.

 

Me: Doesn't everyone in the family help?

 

Them: same response

 

Me: OK then ...

 

At that point I got up and cleared the dishes from the table. They all sat there kind of dumbfounded. Then I said "Do I have to clean up the chicken bones too?" They laughed, hopped up, and everyone got busy.

 

It's been OK since then.

[Cerberus]

I am much the same as you.  Having been single for some time now and always being steadfast at doing my own household chores, I am not the type to sit and expect my new lau pua to do everything.  It's just not in my nature.  However, from her letters and our discussions, she seems to want to put her very never ending and very demanding and important duties and guanxi behind her.  Because it's not in my nature just to kick back, have a cold one and have her feed me, clean me etc, I was wondering how she might react to my washing my own plate.  Would she view this as a task that is demeaning.  I suppose only time will tell and I will just work it out on my own.  But, it sure would be beneficial to learn from those who have already gone down this path.

149468[/snapback]

Dennis,

 

Been there and done that. There are several points which I may be able to advise you on, regard to the Oriential woman's perspective. For the ladies this a man's view only, and if I'm incorrrect in any area please feel free to chime in and correct me...

 

Most of my ex's, numerous girlfriends all of Oriential persuasion and my own wife generally are concerned face and going to excess care about their SOs. This is only lasts about 4 to 6 months. I refer to this as the "honeymoon" period. Once a committed loving realtionship or marriage is entered, the wife or SO expects her better half to help with the load of the home. The Roman days of a man laying back on a couch, eating grapes and sipping wine, while his wife provides sex, cleans house, bears and cares for the children and smiles gratefully at the "man of the house," is all but an extinct beast. You try this method, and I can assure you, YOU will have a "peck-o-troubles" and then some. This is especially true in the US and this norm has reached 85% to 90% completion in all areas of the Far East.

 

In regard to "washing your own plate?" She would probably mildly protest, but not with a great deal of passion. Some women I have met are actually surprised, when they offered me a drink, and I say "No thanks, I'll get it myself, " or I wash my coffee cup and plate. At first surprise, then happiness. Yin I have actuallly pushed her out of the kitchen after I volunteered to do the dishes. I noticed she resists slightly, but then surrenders just as quickly. Get the subtle drift I'm driving at?

 

This issue will be especially true later on in a committment. (4 to 6 months) However, there are times when is perfectly acceptable to take a drink, for her to do the dishes. She is attempting to communicate to you that she is a good , loving and faithful wife. These are the times that you can relax and enjoy the feeling. However, she will still expect some reprosocity. Like you not sleeping while she works, paying attention to her after she is done with work, etc. In other words, don't be a unappreciative clod! Don't worry she hasn't lost anything! She will want you to reciprocate later, and you had better!

 

All of these actions are subliminal and important communication tools. A woman expects them, a man expects them and there HAS to be a mutual exchange and understanding. Chinese and other Oriential women are no different. Fail to follow the subtle communication channel, and I can guarantee you, to have one hell of a fight on your hand.

 

Your wife and yourself will do fine by yourselves. The "honeymoon" period I spoke of is actually a acclimiation time for both of you. She will let you know what she wants in her own subtle way. A word of advice for you and all men; You better be paying attention to the subtle signals a woman gives to you. She is communicating to you as loudly, as she is when she is talking directly to you. Forget about the Steelers, 49r's, playoffs, rugby tourney, etc. You better be paying attention to her and her only.

 

As a final case in point. In the Padded Cell, I posted "Chinese Prejudicial Cooking," and some of the replies. Look carefully "between" the lines. The same issues that you are asking about are there. Do I PO her off? Absolutely! Do you see her bowing continously to her man? Absolutely not. When Yin wants to cook so much for me, sends me menus, drags her mother to the airport and help supervise the cooking these are the subtle signals I'm speaking of.

 

In conclusion do we both greatly love each other and PO each other off at times? You betcha! Your relationship is no different. Simply a different woman, with different views. All you need to do is listen to your wife, love her, keep her secure, be able to make her laugh and be forgiving of the mistakes that she will make. Just keep the PO'ing down to a minimum (LOL)

[Dennis143]

Thanks, very common sense advise, from both you and Jim. Maybe, I am over thinking things in my desire to make a very quite, peaceful, loving home and life for her.

With her limited English, our communication will be nonverbal, early on. So, I will have to become very keen on her body language and expressions, yet that is going to be the most fun and exciting part of this type of relationship, but, perhaps, I am being naive.

 

She is under such tremendous stress with her position within the party and her work, my only goal is to lift the burden of these stresses from her life forever.

 

I appreciate all advice and knowledge of those who have traveled this path before me.

Edited August 24, 2005 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[Trigg]

If you don't help her she will feel as though she is your servant. if you do help her she will insist that you are doing it wrong and the only way for it to be done correctly is for her to do it. I opted for the second. I NEVER wait to be asked to help as the asian women feels you should know her mind. However, I always make sure i make a bigger mess than when i started. This way she is happy because hubby tried to help and i am happy because she won't let me.

 

It is really that simple if you allow it to be!!!!!!!!

[BuffaloPaul]

Forget about the Steelers, 49r's, playoffs, rugby tourney, etc.

What?!!?? Can't give up the Bills

[Dennis143]

If you don't help her she will feel as though she is your servant. if you do help her she will insist that you are doing it wrong and the only way for it to be done correctly is for her to do it. I opted for the second. I NEVER wait to be asked to help as the asian women feels you should know her mind. However, I always make sure i make a bigger mess than when i started. This way she is happy because hubby tried to help and i am happy because she won't let me.

 

It is really that simple if you allow it to be!!!!!!!!

149540[/snapback]

.....as the asian women feels you should know her mind.

 

Now, I believe that this must be a universal female trait.