Got K1, got married, now might have to start over

[umgoblue]

Hello,

 

Just looking for any advice possible because right now we are in a real mess! My fiancee came here this summer and we got married just near the end of the 3 months. The main problem we face is her parents (dad specifically) never approved of our marriage...nothing against me, just she is an only child and her dad doesn't want to lose her to the U.S.. He threatened that if she leaves he will do something drastic because he considers his life over, perhaps killing himself or his wife or both.

 

So my fiancee came here telling her dad she is away on a business trip, but during these months we can find no way to overcome her dad, other then for her to return, continue the lie to her dad and come back to the U.S. in 6 months telling her dad she's now on a 1 year business trip, at the end of which she thinks he'll have lost his control over her since she lives at home and with time apart the news will be softer, and we'll have been together long enough that she will have to tell her dad, perhaps even have a child coming would help.

 

So sad we have to live under those conditions but thats only half the trouble!

 

We have applied for AOS and are waiting, but seems many months until she gets that and she needs to return immediately. We tried a walk-in for an emergency Advance Parole but were told we need the AOS receipt which we haven't got yet, plus we need some proof of an emergency for her to return and have nothing for that. What emergencies qualify? We could apply for the AP and have her leave and I send it to her, but the USCIS office told us that it would be considered and abandoned application and be denied entry. I've tried to convince her to call her dad and tell him the truth now so we can continue our life more normally, but she is sure he will jump out the window on hearing that news and she can't live with that.

 

If she leaves now, which she will for sure in 2 weeks, then basically we'll have to start over and apply for a regular immigrant visa (CR1?) and that could take 1 or 2 years. And since even then we won't have a solution for her dad, and there are many problems ahead, it may force us to divorce and give up on our dream, even we love each other very much.

 

Any thoughts on how she can return in 6 months? How to get emergency AP? How to overcome her parents? Or any others with any similar experiences? All thoughts would be appreciated greatly!

 

Thanks

[Guest Gene]

Welcome to the Candle

 

Let's Start Simple....Call Dad and tell him Business trip has been extended another three months?

 

Doesn't solve your problem, but gives you a little more time

[adambchildress]

sorry to hear your problem. I am from michian and I saw your name and wonderd if you lived here or went to college here or if ur just a u of m fan

[frank1538]

I moved this thread from the general visa section to the AOS and immigration section.

[cosmiclobster]

Wow, no good answers for this one!

If you could move to China for 2 years, she could come here on a IR1, but that won't help the situation with her dad. But at least you would be living in the same country!

Lying to her dad is not a good way to go.

Good luck whatever you do!

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

Hello,

 

Just looking for any advice possible because right now we are in a real mess!  My fiancee came here this summer and we got married just near the end of the 3 months.  The main problem we face is her parents (dad specifically) never approved of our marriage...nothing against me, just she is an only child and her dad doesn't want to lose her to the U.S......

 

 

All thoughts would be appreciated greatly!

 

Thanks

147390[/snapback]

I noticed that you've been a member here for quite sometime, but have only posted a few times. Have you tried speaking with your new father-in-law directly? Though difficult, the best path through this sort of dilemma is to mend fences and get any pride out of the way. Could be that all her father want's is respect. Be kind and listen to him and remember, he's family....

Edited August 17, 2005 by fitnlivly (see edit history)

[Randy W]

Sounds like the issue in a US marriage would be whether to break away from the father, and that the answer would be clear.?But in this case, I think the choice is hers, and that you shuld be supportive, even if it ends the marriage. Remember that he may simply get more demanding, or he may learn to respect his daughter's choice. Best wishes no matter how it turns out.

[umgoblue]

sorry to hear your problem. I am from michian and I saw your name and wonderd if you lived here or went to college here or if ur just a u of m fan

147411[/snapback]

Just to follow up on a few comments so far:

 

I do live near Ann Arbor and went to school at UM, nice to know there are some others around.

 

I have tried to convince my wife to extend the current lie another 3 months so we can get the paperwork to allow easy in/out of the US but she says she can't do that because her trip here was originally a 2-week white lie to her dad about a business trip to Singapore, thats been extended and extended to the current 3 month and 2 week lie. And now he's quite anxious and pressuring for her return. So she says no way to extend any more or her dad will blow up.

 

And as far as me moving to China, I have a great job here I would give up to go there and do nothing and jeopardize my career when I return some day, and have to learn the language there, etc, not a very good way to support a family.

 

And I have been a member here for some time but haven't written too much, maybe because until now our case has been so smooth, just required patience to wait for a year. I did go to China 4 times during that year and met her parents on each trip, but they don't speak any english and I can't speak any Mandarin so my wife had to translate everything. He was very friendly to me always, showed me respect and treated me well, cooked for me, liked to show off many things around the house, etc. The problem really isn't me, its that he has the idea life of having his daughter marry a nice successful guy and live under her dad's roof as one close happy family. He's even ended her only previous relationship because the guy was too independent and lived on the other side of the city. I suggested many times I write a letter to her dad, have her translate it and help me to recite it to him in person some time, discussing our life, how I will take care of his daughter and them, plans for future family, etc, but my wife thought that he would just listen and not consider that very important, the real problem is he wants his daughter in his life every day.

 

Well for now, seems she will leave in 2 weeks, and we are scrambling to come up with some way that will allow her to return in 7 months. So many things to look into, how to get emergency AP, how long for IR1, etc? Quite an emotional time these last few weeks...we are both very exhausted.

[skibum]

I don't understand why you do not have the receipt from filing the AOS. They should have given it to you when you paid. It is one thing you don't want to lose as it shows she is in the country legally.

 

She should be able to tell her father to get over it. It seems she is already choosing him over you. Good luck.

[Randy W]

I don't understand why you do not have the receipt from filing the AOS. They should have given it to you when you paid. It is one thing you don't want to lose as it shows she is in the country legally.

 

She should be able to tell her father to get over it. It seems she is already choosing him over you. Good luck.

147444[/snapback]

Yes - breaking away seems to be the issue. If she wasn't willing to do that, why would she come to the US and marry you? She has made one choice - I hope she can stick with it.

[david_dawei]

I would not underestimate the strong cultural guilt that some asian women feel towards fulfilling their parents [last] wishes... We really don't know her and her father. We can apply all sorts of western jargon to describe her and her immaturity, waffling, indecision,etc.

 

My hope is that she will talk to her faither and he would not 'dis-own' her. As Randy said, it is her choice and she has made one already (however shrouded in a lie)... Support her and make her feel that that the two of you are in this together. She has started her own life. Time to let dad know...

 

But one item that may be overlooked is the fact that she is married, and this may be enough to put a stop to his demands. If he is traditional chinese, then he will not want the shame of divorce anyway.

 

My gut says she should not go back without AP and risk consequences of another visa and being separated... Your risking 3 month wait for 1-2 years as Gene said, if AP doesn't get resolved.

 

I would talk to her about how her dad will truly react to her being married... Will he ask her to divorce (in light of the shame normally associated with it) , want to dis-own her ? I think he will accept it in the end.. there really is no other face-saving choice in the end.

Edited August 17, 2005 by DavidZixuan (see edit history)

[umgoblue]

I don't understand why you do not have the receipt from filing the AOS. They should have given it to you when you paid. It is one thing you don't want to lose as it shows she is in the country legally.

 

She should be able to tell her father to get over it. It seems she is already choosing him over you. Good luck.

147444[/snapback]

We don't have the AOS receipt yet because we just got married 7 days ago, then 2 days later we sent in the AOS overnight express, so hopefully that will come within the next week. Then we can walk in and try for an emergency AP, but for that they've already said they need proof of the emergency...which of course I'm not sure what story to use and what will count as proof? If we just send in by normal mail for the AP and she leaves while its pending, then I get conflicting answers if thats allowed. The form itself says where do you want the AP sent, including any overseas embassy, but the instructions say if you leave while pending it will be abandoned.

 

And as far as her being mature enough to stand up to her dad, not sure 10 years or 20 years more of maturity would help any in this case because I do think she is very mature. The problem is her dad has a vision of his perfect life, kind of old-fashioned and with some strong cultural influence, he loves his daughter and wants her under the same roof, or at least living on the same street so they can spend some time each day together. He's a very strong and proud father, thinks he knows best whats her best future, thinks coming to the US is a big mistake. And when he makes a threat he means it, guess he has a history of that and the family lives in fear of him in some way, he has even hit his daughter before to get his way. So how to overcome that? Last year he said he's against but won't stand in the way, but as we've got more serious in our relationship he's changed his mind and says he'd rather ruin the family and will do anything physically possible to stop her from leaving.

[nygatl15]

I don't understand why you do not have the receipt from filing the AOS. They should have given it to you when you paid. It is one thing you don't want to lose as it shows she is in the country legally.

 

She should be able to tell her father to get over it. It seems she is already choosing him over you. Good luck.

147444[/snapback]

We don't have the AOS receipt yet because we just got married 7 days ago, then 2 days later we sent in the AOS overnight express, so hopefully that will come within the next week. Then we can walk in and try for an emergency AP, but for that they've already said they need proof of the emergency...which of course I'm not sure what story to use and what will count as proof? If we just send in by normal mail for the AP and she leaves while its pending, then I get conflicting answers if thats allowed. The form itself says where do you want the AP sent, including any overseas embassy, but the instructions say if you leave while pending it will be abandoned.

 

And as far as her being mature enough to stand up to her dad, not sure 10 years or 20 years more of maturity would help any in this case because I do think she is very mature. The problem is her dad has a vision of his perfect life, kind of old-fashioned and with some strong cultural influence, he loves his daughter and wants her under the same roof, or at least living on the same street so they can spend some time each day together. He's a very strong and proud father, thinks he knows best whats her best future, thinks coming to the US is a big mistake. And when he makes a threat he means it, guess he has a history of that and the family lives in fear of him in some way, he has even hit his daughter before to get his way. So how to overcome that? Last year he said he's against but won't stand in the way, but as we've got more serious in our relationship he's changed his mind and says he'd rather ruin the family and will do anything physically possible to stop her from leaving.

147501[/snapback]

I don't know what to say... except, bummer.

 

I'm sorry that the 2 of you are in this situation. I hope it works out for you.

[warpedbored]

If she leaves without AP her petition will be considered abandoned and I beleive you will have to start over by filing an I-130 before she will be allowed to re-enter the US. I find the emotional blackmail her father is using extremely foul. What ever he does is not her fault. It also sounds like she won't be able to live her own life until she changes the rules of thier relationship. Agreed that cultural differences abound here but even in China I would think his attitude would be a problem in a marriage. Tough choices on both of your part but keep in mind that if she goes back without AP it may well be over a year before she can return.

[tonado]

Her father should be told the truth.