Angry SO

[nygatl15]

A lot of very good replys here. I guess no one else could possibly know what level Wenjie and I are at, but us. I feel very confident that Wenjie and I will have a happy life together. I know she is nothing like my ex-wife, who put literally put the fear of God into to me. This ended up being the benefit of my former marriage...

 

The fact that I connected her with my ex produced a very scarey thought in my mind, but she is a completely different person. My ex was money oriented and public concious,...did I say Crazy?!?? I'm all for being successful in life, but certainly not at all costs.

 

I think Wenjie is a strong person with excellent values and great to be around. She really cares about me and I feel the same for her,

 

I feel she will be my last attempt at Love, because we found each other... all of life will be bumpy... but with my love by my side and God in our lifes..., you can endure this rocky road we call "Life". I can't wait to "kiss" and "makeup" in May!!

[david_dawei]

I agree with most of what you say but think perhaps they don't need anger management because they are doing it effectively. The pressure valve releases the pressure and things quiet down. This is actually preferrable if handled in socially acceptable ways (yelling over small things seems to do that in China) and is part of many cultures. Martial Arts training in Asia has also been an acceptable outlet and actually trains redirecting the energy to positive use. I have doubts about American anger management techniques as simply defusing without being productive.  I have seen more work groups with anger management sessions fall apart than come together. The secret is in not holding the anger to grow over time.

 

These observations many have made on personal levels may explain a lot about the demonstrations over Japan currently going on in China including how the government may regard them.

I think this point about how the Chinese do their own 'anger management' within socially acceptable ways is right on. Their pressure value release is another way of saying that they respond to the moment. And when the moment is over, so is their reaction, anger, etc. I noticed this with their farting , which they are wont to do without embarassment. Afterall, the pressure value needs to be released so they release. Children learn this pressure value release at an early age too... They wear these special pants with nothing through the middle area so that they can go to the bathroom freely , even on the street. I would argue that massage is a form of this pressure release too. For them, part of good health is to relax (release the tension) the muscles through massage.

 

The Chinese lady does not seem to like to explain in too much detail certain things. I had this happen twice with Zixuan. I got to the point of confronting what it was I was 'arguing' for: I wanted more explanation and she did not want to give it. In the end, I asked myself: "Does it really matter? Am I just arguing for the sake of getting something my way?" . Finally I was willing to leave it alone. I was willing to accept that I don't need to know and she does not need to explain it any further to me than she wants. I actually felt very relieved to 'let it go'... It is a different sense of the "pressure release" concept, but here I was releasing something. I felt it go away.

 

And saved myself some money since I did not go to anger management to get over it !

[Dan R]

David that's great. Also probably best that you did it that way. What would she have said if you paid hard earned money for a class that taught you what should have been nartural to begin with. viva la diferencia!!!

[BuffaloPaul]

I agree with most of what you say but think perhaps they don't need anger management because they are doing it effectively. The pressure valve releases the pressure and things quiet down. This is actually preferrable if handled in socially acceptable ways (yelling over small things seems to do that in China) and is part of many cultures.

Yeah, this is exactly how I have interpreted her occassional outbursts (only 3 in 18 months). My ex used to be mad at my and wouldn't say what was wrong (you know - if you loved me you would know why I'm mad). I am also so used to women (well one anyway) holding grudges forever, that I am delighted when someone gets angry, says exactly what their angry about and a short time later has completely forgetten what the arguement was about. I've found I can almost avoid these by observing how stressed Jenny is. No relationship is perfect so you have to learn what you are willing to take. Besides, I'm sure I will never be hit with a mop

[ptcrusier333rph]

we had 2 blow up me blowing up on her not deciding on if choosing your own path instead of her mother. that was a 3 week build up. then she blew up when I said Dammit! I got a 5 minute chew out. both in chat and voice chat. I have to say this was the first time I saw her very mad at me, just after I was mad at her. have to say I cool down so fast. We always made a point of saying sorry if we done anything to upset the other. I told her I don't read minds and have no desire to read minds, if I done something or say something that upset her I wanted to know. So far we been good at explaining misunderstanding. But I do want a list on what words not to say, I know Dammit is on that list.

 

Robert

[BuffaloPaul]

I know Dammit  is on that list.

Boy, you'd better delete a lot of your knowledge of 4 letter words. Dammit is pretty tame for most people

[tonado]

My wife blew up at me when we failed the first AOS interview. The VO didn't let me translate for her during the interview. She was very angry because the instruction said that we need need an intepreter if her English is not good. I thought her English was good enough. I guess wrong and she was so angry for next few months because she wanted to go back to China for visit. Then I decided to get the AP for her. I wasted the money on the AP because it took 4 months to get it and she passed the second AOS interview 1 month before she got the AP.

[david_dawei]

I know Dammit  is on that list.

Boy, you'd better delete a lot of your knowledge of 4 letter words. Dammit is pretty tame for most people

SO the first four letter word you'd add is "Damn" !

 

I have a Chinese friend who asked me what a certain 'graphic' word meant. Turns out the man attempting to gain her attention seems oblivious to treating her with some respect.

 

Robert: I'd recommend that what you don't know might be better than what you do know.. but if it has four letters, look it up in a dictionary or ask a friend you trust!

 

I'm not sure we want to start such a list.. it could be either offensive or down right funny.. Often the line between the two is quite thin.

[ptcrusier333rph]

I think the intereptation of the word and the way I said it kind of shock her, I been very relax and understand and patience with her on her mother's attempt at trying to marry her off, and her indisision to follow her heart or her obey her family. After 3 weeks my fustration hit the roof, and Dammit was the first word I said along with a long tirared of my opinion on her mother and on my SO indisision.

Looking back I'm very surprise that her anger was on the word Dammit and not my opinion on her mother or my view about her duty to her family. It also the first time I log off on her. I know if I stay on I would say things I would regret.

Have to say that if it was not for her love for me, I would be not on here on this forum. She made the choice to fight for our love when I felt it was hopeless to fight her family, only thing I was ask to apologize for was the word Dammit.

a few days later she inform me that she was pledging herself to me. One thing I learn about her is she has never broken her pedges. After she made her disicion it was like a transformation with her, the laughter was back and she was no longer unsure of her future. Even her mother had notice the change in her and most of 2 towns know she going to marry a american. I have to say what she has done have open my heart to a point that even magic can be possible.

 

I was ask why a woman from viet nam, all I could say is "because I love her."

 

and that all that matter to me, we talk about loneliness and problems, wetalk about fears and we talk about saddness on this forum, but one thing we have in common, we love our SO, weather they are in china, or here, or through trouble, we all love them dearly and would do anything for them. There not many who would travel halfway aound the world for love.

yeah we may get angry at each other, or misunderstand, but when the light goes out and you truely say "I'm sorry and love you dearly" all the anger, themisunderstanding of the world seem to be small compare to the love we hold for each other.

 

robert

[david_dawei]

she inform me that she was pledging herself to me. One thing I learn about her is she has never broken her pedges.

Robert,

 

This ability, along with many others, continues to impress me about eastern woman. Your whole write-up is touching and open.

 

I learned, while studying Zen, that the self and ego will bring forth this frustration and anger... best to really ask yourself which is more important. I know the choice and pledge you will make... (and I believe that we can get to a point of seeing that it is about choice, even if the response is conditioned) . Then be ready to drop the less important one and embrace the more important.

 

I have noticed that your SO is Vietnamese, but just noticed that you have not even started a visa process with her ( I guess because you will marry in June). How long then after till your together for good?

[ptcrusier333rph]

you know the process and how long it will take, we both know how long it be before she here, viet nam is running 9 month to 14 months so about same with china,

I'm planning on at least 2 more trip to vietnam or more depending on if i can study in china in jan 2006

 

I was never looking for a wife when i met her, she was only looking for anyone to help her and her class on english, somehow we fell in love. I been online for about 7 years and have never been blown away by a woman like her, I don't give my heart freely, for me to fall in love with her is as natural as breathing.

 

robert

[david_dawei]

for me to fall in love with her is as natural as breathing.

Obviously you have not been to CHina during New Years.... I developed a cough which lasted over a month... In the end, I accepted this as a sign of our relationship. Some days I breathe cleanly and some days there is a cough. Regardless, both are natural to the environment ... And what better environment than love !!

[MoonCarolCafe]

Maybe I was thinking my problems would go away with an Asian woman, that is probably not very intelligent.

 

Must resist temptation to laugh... gonna burst... milk starting to shoot out of nose... must run outside before guffawing commences...

[Dan R]

I was ask why a woman from viet nam, all I could say is "because I love her." - ptcruiser

 

Ah, Robert. When you get back tell us again why a woman from Vietnam. I think you will have a longer list. The Vietnamese are an amazing and interesting people. If you don't get addicted to the food I will want to know why.

 

I didn't get to tour like Trigg but have always wanted to visit there.

 

I expect an answer to this by the end of summer.

 

[lele]

I was ask why a woman from viet nam, all I could say is "because I love her." - ptcruiser

 

Ah, Robert. When you get back tell us again why a woman from Vietnam. I think you will have a longer list.  The Vietnamese are an amazing and interesting people. If you don't get addicted to the food I will want to know why.

 

I didn't get to tour like Trigg but have always wanted to visit there.

 

I expect an answer to this by the end of summer.

 

I have visited Vietnam, for 1 month. And it is by far not enough.

 

I went there before China, and so my perspective is a lot stronger in my mind. I find it and China the two most interesting Asian Nations so far (but I have not yet been to India). It offers all of the plusses of Thailand, with more, and without as many of the negatives.

 

The food is wonderful, the natural areas are beautiful, the people are amazingly open and sincere, and the history is older than the rest of SE asia.

 

I have so many stories, and pictures.

 

If you want a sample plan of where to go and what to see, send me a PM.

 

if anyone wants to organize an outting, chinese can get there very easily, and maybe a few of us can go together...if not, at least my wife and I will as soon as the travel documents come and winter is upon us (please be careful in the summer, as it was as hot as 42 some days I was there...yikes!).