Reality now sets in

[Guest Gene]

My big concern is with this Chinese characteristic of "saving face". My SO has already told me that the 90 day period means nothing because she would never return home no matter how unhappy. She feels that after she has already told her family, and sold her home that she must stay here.  This is a little unnerving to me.

I can understand what your saying about being a little unnerving, But I agree with Ken that she is giving you a total commitment to make it work and be happy

[Mengxin]

My big concern is with this Chinese characteristic of "saving face". My SO has already told me that the 90 day period means nothing because she would never return home no matter how unhappy. She feels that after she has already told her family, and sold her home that she must stay here.  This is a little unnerving to me.

Paul, Don't buy into to "Saving Face", all descisions should be made in the best interest of what's best for you and your wife. "Saving Face" is a BS line. Just make yourself and your family happy regaurdless of what others say.

 

Go Bills!

[lele]

Is that fair?

Would it be fair to have married first in China only to find out that, once in the states, there are irreconcilable differences between a couple?

 

I think the 90 days is plenty of time for two to realize if they can live together or not. Any sensible couple should know this.

Although in some cases, it may be, I have seen many when it was not the case.

 

For couples I know or knew well, there were 23 of note that I am considering. All of these were couples who were together for at least 24 months in their dating.

 

Since the time I met them and they passed the 24 month barrier 4 have married, 18 have split up, and one is still living together (not sure if common law married or not yet). Of the 4 that married, 1 has since divorces. So that means only 4 out of 23 survived when all was well after having known each other for 2 years or more.

 

Naturally my selection of people is not statistically unbiased, but it raises the point that for some, 90 days is not enough.

 

I think it is all about communication. I will stand by the 5 aspects needed for a relationship (as I see them), and the realization that people change over time, and hence may as easily grow apart as together.

[lele]

My big concern is with this Chinese characteristic of "saving face". My SO has already told me that the 90 day period means nothing because she would never return home no matter how unhappy. She feels that after she has already told her family, and sold her home that she must stay here.  This is a little unnerving to me.

Why would she want to sell her home, now? That makes no sense! Where will the two of you live when you go back to China in the future?

[kfman]

I think it might be just how willing each of us is to becoming patient and understanding of each other. Once we make that decision to marry, and get married, there absolutely has to be compromise on both parts. In my case, I just think of all that she is giving up and leaving... and it leaves me floored. She did not have to do this, she was not poor, desolute, unable to take care of herself. She is a well educated, hard working, and apparently very loyal person who feels this is her path. I will extend the olive branch, try so hard to adapt, change, and work with her. And... I love to eat chinese... so I wont be forcing her to eat western food.. hahahahahahh will only ask her to try it occasionally. After a few years of being alone, its better to be with someone... thats my thought anyway.

[Guest Bill]

Very Very good topic.

I wonder, how long has anyone talked and got to know there wifes, before going to China to marry them. I pretty much put my wife to the test, almost a year of talking, I pick my wife from a bunch I had talked to, she is only one I fell for. After going to China, still before marring her, I still put her thru test, I had my mind made up, she was going to have to convince me. And convince she has. I have never regrated the day I married my wife.