The Blessed Uh-Oh, Part Deux

[frank1538]

Since CFL is also my family, thought I'd seek some advice. My soon to be 21 year old step-daughter is pregnant by a nice young man she has been dating for a number of months. He's 22.

 

We are sorting through the various options of which I see four - marriage+baby; baby but no marriage; termination of the pregnancy; and adoption. The young man is opposed to termination and wants to get married. Currently, he's a waiter at a restaurant and is not college educated. My step-daughter doesn't want to get married right away but is leaning toward having the baby. I am also reluctant to advise marriage for these two.

 

Jingwen wants her daughter to have the baby and is opposed to termination, but she is concerned about her step-daughter's having a baby when she is not married. From a cultural perspective, I am not sure how the Chinese view children born out of wedlock, nor do I fully appreciate their views on abortion. I think Jingwen's views reflect her own desires.

 

I will support any decision my step-daughter makes and will help with whatever financial support may be required, but I'd like to hear from the CFL family, particularly the Chinese wives and fiancees, to gain a better understanding of the cultural influences on my step-daughter and Jingwen. I know family is of major importance and I assume that extends to the grandparents' providing for their children and grandchildren. But, in Chinese culture, to what extent would the father be expected to be involved in all of this. From an American perspective, financial support might be involved if they don't get married. From a Chinese (and American) perspective, I assume that my step-daughter would continue to live with us if she decides not to get married but to have the baby. Jingwen implies that if her daughter gets married, she and her husband could live with us (remarkably similar to how my parents got started - living with my dad's family for a while). Is this common in China?

 

Thanks everyone.

[lele]

Since CFL is also my family, thought I'd seek some advice.  My soon to be 21 year old step-daughter is pregnant by a nice young man she has been dating for a number of months.  He's 22.

 

We are sorting through the various options of which I see four - marriage+baby; baby but no marriage; termination of the pregnancy; and adoption.  The young man is opposed to termination and wants to get married.  Currently, he's a waiter at a restaurant and is not college educated.  My step-daughter doesn't want to get married right away but is leaning toward having the baby.  I am also reluctant to advise marriage for these two.

 

Jingwen wants her daughter to have the baby and is opposed to termination, but she is concerned about her step-daughter's having a baby when she is not married.  From a cultural perspective, I am not sure how the Chinese view children born out of wedlock, nor do I fully appreciate their views on abortion.  I think Jingwen's views reflect her own desires.

 

I will support any decision my step-daughter makes and will help with whatever financial support may be required, but I'd like to hear from the CFL family, particularly the Chinese wives and fiancees, to gain a better understanding of the cultural influences on my step-daughter and Jingwen.  I know family is of major importance and I assume that extends to the grandparents' providing for their children and grandchildren.  But, in Chinese culture, to what extent would the father be expected to be involved in all of this.  From an American perspective, financial support might be involved if they don't get married.  From a Chinese (and American) perspective, I assume that my step-daughter would continue to live with us if she decides not to get married but to have the baby.  Jingwen implies that if her daughter gets married, she and her husband could live with us (remarkably similar to how my parents got started - living with my dad's family for a while).  Is this common in China?

 

Thanks everyone.

Wow!

 

Tough situation. I am sure that it will work out well.

 

I will *not* offer my own opinions, as they likely will conflict with what your daughter has already decided (I would personally have an abortion in this case, and surround myself with family and friends and work to chart out a plan of action of how I can move to a state in my life where I will feel more secure and stable --- but I have seen far too many couples be torn apart by staying together in this case, usually to the detriment of the kid).

 

What I can tell you however is that in the north of China at least that termination is very common in a situation like this (based on stories of what my darling's friends have gone through, she seems to be the only one who has never been pregnant and all of the others have terminated or used some type of long-term birth control to prevent this from happening).

 

However, in one case where the person had the baby, there was a problem. The man was not *legally* old enough to marry the woman (I think that in her province you need to be at least 25 as a man to marry).

 

She also tells me that when married, the woman must join the *baby's father's* family, not the mother's.

 

Sorry, it is only a set of opinions and observations based on limited data. It also seems that the culture found in urban cities in the north may not be applicable as well to the case of the culture that your daughter was raised in.

 

But the best of luck to you and I hope that it all goes well.

[maiyademama]

Is your step-daughter's boyfriend American or Chinese? What does his family think? Thry are still young but they are *adults* and in my opinion they should either keep the baby or give it up for adoption. Abortion is unnecessary when there are so many hopeful parents who are incapable of reproduction. This is America, after all, they certainly don't have to get married in order to have the child---which is not the case in China. In China, you either get married to the father, get married to someone willing to take on the responsibility himself, have the child in secret and give it to an orphanage (or sell it to the black market), or you get the abortion. Most young girls opt for abortion.

 

If I was giving advice to someone in my family, i would tell them to stay at home with the folks (where grandma & grandpa can help with childcare), continue building a career/education and get on their own 2 feet after saving some money and starting a career.

 

hope that helps

[warpedbored]

Obviously her decision is the only one that counts but if it were me in her place I would have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption. She is still very young and 21 in China is like 16 here. The boyfriend doesn't have much say in the matter since he isn't in much of a postition to contribute to the childs cost of living. She has her whole life ahead of her and the extra burdon of raising a child while not yet established in her own life yet would be difficult at best.

[frank1538]

Is your step-daughter's boyfriend American or Chinese? What does his family think?

Actually, he's Mexican, and he hasn't told his family yet - they live in Mexico. I'm having a "sit down" with him on Saturday to gain a better understanding of his intentions. I don't know if he's legal or not, but I don't think that makes any difference as it relates to a baby born in the US.

[frank1538]

She is still very young and 21 in China is like 16 here.

You're right about this Carl, and this is one of the things that concerns me the most. My step-daughter may be 21 chronologically and physically, but psychologically/emotionally, she's still a child, dependent on mom for just about everything. If she decides to have the baby, I can guarantee you that Jingwen and I will have to raise him/her.

[maiyademama]

The situation is more complex than I thought

1 child, 3 cultures, and 2 families to consider....Aiya!

 

The boy can join the military and send his stipend to your daughter and his child....I don't know.... I am pretty anti-abortion unless its an emergency or an extremely risky pregnancy.

 

Having a baby can sure grow you up fast. Maternal instincts often kick into high gear after a baby is born, often forcing the young mother to whip in to shape. Perhaps this is just the right dose of reality that your daughter needs. What is her overall character like?

 

just some more thoughts...sure is a rock and a hard place.

[Bigguy_33]

Hi Frank,

 

Sorry to learn about your situation.

 

I don’t know your full story, is Jingwen and her 21 year old daughter already here with you in the US? So your step daughter got involved while here in the US with this Mexican young man??

 

Something you wrote, “My step-daughter may be 21 chronologically and physically, but psychologically/emotionally, she's still a child,”….. so it seems like to me from far away and little knowledge, that she was taken advantage of???

 

Is that what you feel like???

 

Regards,

Duane

[sylinchinastill]

I think adoption is the best option. I have known girls both here and in China who have had abortions and their experiences are so painful to them and affect them for the rest of their lives. I also know a girl who put her baby up for adoption- she was in high school when she got pregnant and remains close to the adopted family. For her it was the best option and she was able to go to college, etc.- If your step-daughter wants to have an abortion then she should do that- if she wants to keep the baby she should do that too. The most important thing is that whatever decision she makes it is her own- but if I were you I would do my best to make sure that her decision is an informed decision. The girls I know who live in China and have had abortions do so because they were in school and it was against the rules for them to even kiss a boy- so if it had been found out that they were pregnant they would be thrown out of school- both of them- and I guess because it is so hard to get into college in China in the first place this was not a decision they had a choice in making. If you and your wife are in a position to help your step-daughter with the child this is an option as well. But I think marrying the boy is a mistake unless they would have done so anyway- I have also had friends who were going to stay with the boy at the first of the pregnancy and/or the boy was going to help them- but now the boy is out of the picture completely. I think because this is the trend in so many men- if your daughter wants to keep the baby she should do it with the knowledge that she might be the only one to care for her child- to imagine that he is not in the picture- and if she can handle it in that scenario then she should go ahead with it-

[lele]

I think adoption is the best option.

I agree that you should follow with what she wants, and that as parents, you and your wife should help her to gain information. However, even adoption is not an easy answer and often times fails. I have two examples.

 

A relative of mine (identity to not be released, for reasons that the person is still alive today and I do not want her to go to jail), almost 30 years before the Roe decision, was pregnant and decided that she would keep the baby, since it was illegal to have an abortion and since she was very young at the time. It turns out that after 4 months, she was too young and too scared and the pregnancy went astray. There are definite connections between stress and problem pregnancies today. We know this.

 

Although it would have been easy to have a back street abortion quickly, at this stage, it was not for her. Not only would the procedure be tough, but the chances of doing it discreetely were very narrow.

 

She, in the end, went to Canada (only time she left the us) to have it done, and it saved her life.

 

The second case was a school-mate and good friend of mine. At 19, he and his girlfriend were going to have a kid. They already fought with each other verbally, and he sought help. All 4 guardians encouraged them to have the kid, 2 to keep and 2 to adopt. I strongly recommended to him to consider the abortion. His gf was open to that too, but in the end they decided to keep and adopt.

 

Well, it turns out that, like many couples, when they actually have the kid, they no longer want to adopt, at least the girl did not anyway. And legally, if one parent does not want to adopt, it makes it nearly impossible to adopt the kid.

 

Well, now today they are still together, and fighting, and who is suffering the most -- The poor kid.

 

I do not want to say that these situations, both of which are for people I personally know, are typical, but they certainly are possible and have happened to millions of people, in addition to all of the wonderful stories that we hear too.

 

So, I want to wish you the best with your difficult situation. I hope in the end, whatever is decided allows everyone to learn and to grow and to feel comfortable with themself, in as informed a manner as possible.

 

All the Best!

[warpedbored]

lele makes a good point. The girls best interests are not the only ones to be considered. If she were to decide to have the baby and adopt it out she may change her mind when the baby is born. Any decison on having the baby would have to assume she would keep the baby.

[beijingjenny]

I think, young as she is, the ultimate decision should be hers. She's the only one who really has to live with it. Obviously, she needs support and advice, but I certainly wouldn't pressure her in any direction she doesn't want to go.

 

An outsider's two cents...