american woman/chinese man

[warpedbored]

Welcome Louisa. When I first started coming to CFL there were no woman petitioners here. Now there are 6 I can think of counting you. I think it's great. Adds a whole other perspective to the threads.

 

From what I have read it definitely appears that the american men have an easier time of it with the inlaws however I remember one post where the Chinese wife wanted to divorce the American husband before interview because her parents didn't approve. Perhaps Chinese mothers are more protective of their sons.

[awch]

My husband's mom actually knitted some long underwear for me and sent them. They are so thick and itchy I can't even bring myself to try them on but she won't listen to reason!

 

here's another question - do you girls hang out with your husband/boyfriend's friends? do you get along with them? i don't really and i sort of feel bad about it. any comments?

hello:

I got a pair of the itchy long underwear too!! It's part of Xiao Ming's mom's campaign to keep me from freezing during the winter- she's convinced that long underwear, a long sleeved shirt, a sweater and jacket aren't enough.

 

As for his friends- we work at the same English school- different locations- and he hangs out a lot with the foreign teachers, they play basketball together and stuff. So at those times, his friends are my friends. As for his Chinese friends- we dont really hang out with them. My Chinese isn't good enough to follow all their "Dalian-hua" and he doesn't really like to go out by himself that often. Actually, we hardly go out at all, we are pretty boring!

 

Amber

[beijingjenny]

Hi Louisa. Welcome! I guess I'm lucky my MIL isn't really in the pic. His dad tries to chat sometimes, but we haven't that much to talk about. It's mostly just telling me to look after my health, or asking when we're going to America or something. His aunts are all like mothers (now anyway) but he doesn't pay them much mind.

 

I too don't hang out that much with hubby's friends, and feel bad. I force my friends on him all the time, though actually a lot of his own friends are foreign, since we live around other foreigners. He has one old friend I like who comes to hang out sometimes. I will join he and his friends when he wants, but often feel on show as the foreigner or that I or they will be bored and I embarrassed by not following all the conversation...I'm just not a socialite much anyway.

[mari]

Hi Louisa, I'm glad to hear that there are other women in my same shoes. I haven't met my future parents-in-law yet even though I've been 4 times to China, their house is in the southwest and my fiance is living in Beijing now. Somehow I think they're not very thrilled about their youngest son marrying an american, his older brother used to date a british girl some years ago and they were not very happy either. Qi Sheng is an electrical engineer and he's always travelling because of his work, so he doesn't have much time to hang out with friends on his free time, so when I visit

him we just dedicate the time to be with each other. My greatest challenge

is that I don't speak any chinese at all, and nobody will offer mandarin classes in my place it's really frustrating because I'm a very outgoing person and I can't communicate as I wish when in China. At this moment we're awaiting P4, we started this process 8 months ago (today), and we're stuck in the second name check, so we've decided to visit cold Beijing at the end of this year. I've noticed that most of the people are surprised to see a couple like us, I've even seen chinese women who are fiancees of american men who can't believe this happens, but I really don't care, I got a wonderful relationship and have experienced in this past 3 years that there are many cultural obstacles that can be overcome when love is present. Please keep in contact.

[MarkLuvsShuPing]

Hi Girls,

 

I don't really want to intrude into the "girl's club", but I just wanted to encourage you all to keep it going. I've found your posts informative and interesting, so I hope you don't mind if I eavesdrop.

 

Good Luck to all of you.

 

Mark

[sylinchinastill]

When we lived in Shenzhen we hung out with his friends fairly often but when we moved to Shanghai I got out of that. I like some of his friends- like his best friend who we stayed with when we went to Shenzhen recently and he also has a gay friend who is exactly like an American gay guy- watches Ali McBeal and has great english- actually learned his english from watching the show. Some of Hengli's friends (not so close) I didn't like. Like for a while he was hanging out with this tv producer and his actress girlfriend in Shenzhen. I hated their crowd. They would always tell me that I looked so young and that I looked just like a baby doll. I know that could sound like a compliment. But trust me- that wasn't how the girl meant it at all. In Shenzhen I had a lot of friends who had come from the states with me and so we kind of did our own thing a lot. He played mah jong with his friends and I went to Hong Kong and hung out in clubs and basically went wild with my friends. When we moved to Shanghai we had some friends and his step-sister lives there but we have never lived around his family. I'm lucky because I still haven't met his mom. I think she is a sweet lady but from Chinese women in general who are older than me I tend to get mothered a lot which drives me insane. Like the other post I don't want to be told if I'm getting too fat or thin or not eating enough by someone I hardly know- and if my mother doesn't think I'm too fat or too thin I don't see how it's anyone else's business. Anyway- welcome to the board. We need all the girls we can get here!

[LouRose]

Okay I'm glad to hear no one really enjoys hanging out with their SO's Chinese friends. I feel bad because I always like it when Li Zhuang hangs out with my western friends, and he seems to like it too, but I just never have fun when I try to hang out with his Chinese friends. My Chinese is not bad, but I still have trouble understanding them and they are totally insensitive to that. Even besides the language, although in theory they want to meet me and stuff, in practice they are just not that friendly, they don't try to make much conversation so I usually end up being bored. I worry that I have some kind of double standard, that he should be friends with my friends but I don't have to be friends with his. Reminds me of another post on here about adapting to the culture both ways, I don't want to only be willing to go one way. But then, most of my friends are other English teachers so they are used to talking to non-native speakers whereas most of his friends have never met another foreigner. I've noticed a lot of Chinese people seem a bit socially awkward and since I'm not the most outgoing person either, it doesn't make for a great time. Oh well, I guess I'll just let him do his own thing, though the hard part is convincing him its really okay to go out by himself and leave me alone for a night!

 

*~Louisa~*

[Guest enight]

hi Rose... I understand what you said...

 

at the first year I was here... felt a bit same way too..

 

one reason was my english was not good enough to catch up all the phrase and slangs while they talked too fast

 

another reason was his families and friends were not interested in the same things as I do.

 

but it's ok now, I found my friends around, and I accept his friends as my friends too, he does the same way, even we may don't really have same interests to each others friends.

 

try to find your own friends and bring them into your family while you are there

[awch]

Hey ladies:

Here is another topic to discuss under the US woman/chinese man dimension. I think almost all of the women here have lived in China- and I'm sure that you make more money than your SO. How does he feel about that?

In our case, Xiao Ming gets really angry when I mention anything being "mine" as opposed to "ours". We had one of our very rare fights the other day cuz I want to take a yoga class- it's a little expensive (1500 RMB for 6 months) but it's really good for me and might be able to help my migraines. We are trying really hard to save money for when we go to the US, especially as he won't be able to work until his status changes and I'll be in grad school... so I can understand about why maybe we shouldn't spend this money. But the fact that he wouldn't even talk about it led me to make the fatal comment- "well actually, we're talking about money that I worked for so I think I should have some say in how we spend it". OOOPPPSSS!!

That really made him angry. Eventually, we talked about it and there's a happy ending- I'll be taking the class. But I just can't allude to anything as mine- especially money. It doesn't come up too often, but I know that it bothers him!

Also, he never wants to spend ANY money- he'll make us walk 4 blocks and then take a taxi just to save 2 RMB- or go to a different supermarket than the one we're at just to save 4 mao on milk. Not to mention if I want to buy cheese or other imported foods.... On one hand it's a good quality but on the other- it drives me crazy!!

 

Amber

 

PS I don't want it to sound like we fight all the time or have a lot of problems- actually we have a great relationship! these issues i bring up aren't really serious problems- just a few differences that i think are a result of culture- interested to hear if you have the same experiences

[sylinchinastill]

Hengli is like this too about money- he is VERY cheap. It drives me insane. I think it's a good quality- and he is pretty cool about spending money on me- he just got me this great new laptop (but we had to wait 3 months before he found a deal). He was okay about me buying foreign food if I went alone and brought it home- but if we would go to the store together he would freak about the prices.

About me making more money... when we were in Shenzhen I didn't make more money- he had a high-paying job in insurance and so he always had more than I did- but we didn't save during that time and moved to Shanghai with like 1000 RMB between us. Then his job in Shanghai didn't pay well at all- same job- but the pay rates are much higher in Shenzhen. So I made more money than he did. But we used the money I made to invest in inventory and start our business- so he always says that I am the main shareholder in our business. He didn't get offended about it- but that's good because I went to school last year and will go for three more years before I make any money- hopefully I will make some money once I get this stupid piece of shit law degree (sorry- a bit bitter right now- finals are coming up) but for now I don't make money- he does have some qualms about spending randomly as he puts it- which includes going places I want to go- but I guess I will ride it out until we when the lotto or make some big money somehow.

My pet peeve right now is how he pushes me to work like he does. He works nonstop- and if I sit down or play on the internet or spend one second not studying he will say something. Just now he said that I know a lot more about CFL than law school- that's probably true- and I'm certainly thinking it- but he needs to hush.

[mari]

Amber, as in any other relationship this is a sensitive issue, men in general don't like this sort of thing to come up when they are the ones who earn the less. In my case I haven't lived in China but each time I visit Qisheng I have experienced this same "money saving mentality" that makes them save whenever possible and makes me crazy at times. And you can imagine me, who use the paper towel without any compassion, who let the water run without much care, etc., it has been a cultural shock indeed. From the beginning I have spoke to him as " our money", "our house" and so on, and I definitely make much more money than him, we realize that once he's in USA he will have to learn a new language (my main language is spanish) and get used to run around the island, so I will be the support of the family for some time. We have discussed this many times, and I think the most important thing is to make an agreement on listening to each other needs and point of views, and never never remind the other that you are the one who makes the most money.

[awch]

never never remind the other that you are the one who makes the most money.

Mari-

You're right, I shouldn't have "reminded" him but I was just frustrated cuz he wouldn't talk about it! But generally, yes, I avoid mentioning that. B)

 

And syl- I have the opposite problem! I feel like I am the one doing all the work and I always have to push Xiao Ming to do something besides sit on the couch and watch TV- he always tells me that he is "still a boy" and hasn't grown up enough yet to help me take care of the housework <sigh>.... I always tell him if he's old enough to get married he's old enough to help me with the housework. He's trying, but I know I have to wait for him to mature a little- you know Chinese men, they are babied so much by their parents. He has to ask his mom to call our landlord when we have a problem.... or before we make any major decision he has to have her advice.

Can't wait to move to the US and out of her sphere....

[beijingjenny]

Actually, Jack is the one who likes to spend (esp on high-tech toys) and likes me to spoil myself. I am more of a miser, and he is happy to let me be manager. For a while I was totally supporting him, but now he makes more teaching English than I do for the government. Mind you if you factor in my driver, and apartment and such, I prob end up with more. But then he also works less hours... Money's one thing that hasn't really been an issue, though I've had to drill into him the concept of saving.

 

P.S. Mark and others, please lurk all you like - hope our side can be educational too B)

[beijingjenny]

I become more and more glad to not have a mother in law...! Jack was passed around from father to grandparents and noone really babied him, so he's more of an adult about things around the house.

[LouRose]

I didn't realize Chinese guys were so money-conscious, I have the opposite situation! Li Zhuang likes to save money in theory, but he defnitely doesn't mind spending money on stuff either. In fact, I am the one that always insists on taking the bus because its so cheap while he just wants to take taxis everywhere. Stuff like foreign foods he doesn't mind because he feels a little guilty about making me live in China (of course I tell him it was my choice but he still feels kinda bad) so anything that will make me more comfortable here he is all for. He likes it when we go to western restaurants because he thinks I need western food (which is true, sometimes i do!) but i am always the worry-wart about how expensive it is.

 

What I think is really interesting is the concept of ours vs. mine. I have found the same thing, I often refer to things as mine or yours, just out of habit I guess. He doesn't get mad but he always reminds me that its ours. I often feel like it is a cultural thing, something that was just ingrained in me since I was born, this need to distinguish which things are whose. Maybe part of it is growing up with two sisters, I always felt I had to be careful so no one would eat my candy or break my toys. I'm getting better about it though, for the most part I really do feel like the money is both of ours even though I'm the only one earning it now. Anyways I'm a slob and he more than earns his keep with all the housework he does!

 

As for who makes more, Li Zhuang had this government job at an aerospace research institute but working there he was not allowed to marry a foreigner and wasn't even supposed to fraternize with any, so he had to quit in order for us to be together and get married. Mostly because of this I think he doesn't feel so bad that I am the one "bringing home the bacon" because we both know he sacrificed a lot for our marriage. After that experience he is definitely bitter about living in China, so its just one more reason we want to go to the states where (hopefully) we will have more freedom. Also I always remind him that although I am supporting him now, probably at some point in the future he will be the one supporting me, since when we have kids there is a good chance I will not want to work for a while. So in order to be able to support me later, now he is studying for the GRE (I am supposed to be studying for it too) and Syl, I totally hear you on how they think we are so lazy. Maybe we are, I mean its amazing the way they just sit down and study for hours on end. I could never do it, I am getting nowhere with my vocabulary lists! But then, we made it this far, just because studying is not all we think about doesn't mean we should become insane Chinese students.

 

On another note, Jenny you mentioned working for the government. If you don't mind my asking, what do you do? Just curious.