Giving money to the parents

[robhon]

Has anyone here on Candle been able to come to a comfortable resolution on this topic?

 

Since finally getting Youyue here, with one baby, another one on the way and starting a new business I've taken a very hard line on giving money (for the time being). This topic comes up with freakish regularity and is always followed with long discussions about how money works in America.

 

I'm definitely NOT opposed to sending money. I understand the cultural implications for the Chinese. But what I don't think I've been able to explain well enough is how, yes we ARE Americans but we are NOT all super wealthy like on TV. I try to explain cash flow, mortgage, credit cards, income, equity, yaddi-yaddi-ya... but it doesn't matter. We could be standing on the edge of bankrupcy (which we're not!) and still Youyue would have this inescapable desire to send thousands of $$ back to her family on an ongoing basis. And, to fuel the fire, she gets regular nightmare stories from her mother about how much money they desperately need. Poor Youyue is often in tears over it. And I still have to continually tell her that, no we can't send another $2500 to your mother.

 

I am literally having a hard time getting her to understand how important it is to 1) Pay the mortgage and other living expenses, 2) put $ away for the kids' college, 3) put $ away for retirement, and THEN, and only then, send money back to China. I know she can't help it but sending money back, by cultural default, automatically jumps to the top of her list.

 

One other note, I think Chinese/American couples are caught in the middle somehow. Our kids are certainly not going to be giving me money when I get old. I don't expect it. I won't accept it. So I have to take care of our kids and take care of us when we get older. But the family in China hasn't been working on that scenario. They've all been banking on their kids doing well so that they will be supported in old age. So, there I have to add more to the list of people I've become responsible for.

 

This is a bit of airing dirty laundry but I know I'm not alone in this situation. Anyone been able to wrestle this issue into a comfortable balance?

[beijingjenny]

When my husband wasn't working he would ask for small amounts of money at holidays for his family, though he felt bad about it. Now he makes good money and sends a little more at certain times, but just a few hundred kuai each time. But his family is fairly disfunctional and the ones who are asking for money the most, his mother and father (they aren't together) are the ones who never did much for him growing up. He tells his father to keep working while he's healthy and when we are more settled we will support him more. His father doesn't much speak to him now since he refused the regular and large support.

 

Still, I'm sorry but I think requests for $2,500 are ridiculous. That kind of money can last an average Chinese family a year at least... What kind of expenses do they have? Perhaps it also has something to do with face (does for my husband's family) - with a daughter in the US, they must have something to show for it...

 

Just my ramblings...

 

Jenny

[robhon]

Adding to this issue for us is the fact that Youyue has a VERY large family. Between her mother and father there are 12 aunts and uncles. All with children of their own. Youyue always incredibly beholden to all her family for taking such good care of her as a child. And, on top of everything, her father is a developer and has two buildings he's self-financing and building. They run into all kinds of banking and payroll problems.

 

One other factor in this is, her family is definitely... how to say... non-urban. They fair from Hechuan, about an hour outside of Chongqing. So, I think they aren't quite as part of the "new economy" as others who come from the economic development zones.

 

I've seen many of my Chinese employees work so hard and send a large portion of their earnings back home. I'm sure it's not the rule but in more traditional families I think it very much is expected.

 

Though Youyue and I have had numerous heavy discussions about this whole topic it's not something that worries me in terms of our relationship. We both see it as just one of those big issues that families sometimes have to work through.

[se_lang]

Well first Rob welcome back LTNS, I finally have my wife here also. we talked about the money thing she also wants to send money home but not alot only enough to make up for what was lost when she left since she lived at home and helped with paying for things this amounts to about $130 a month no biggie, however we did agree on 1 thing and that is our home comes first.

[tonado]

Read this poll thread

[robhon]

Well first Rob welcome back LTNS, I finally have my wife here also. we talked about the money thing she also wants to send money home but not alot only enough to make up for what was lost when she left since she lived at home and helped with paying for things this amounts to about $130 a month no biggie, however we did agree on 1 thing and that is our home comes first.

Thanks se_lang! Great to hear you two are together now!! It's such a relief, isn't it.

 

I think our situation regarding $$ is really complicated. It's a combination of her family being so large (lots of lending and borrowing amongst them), her family having no real sense of money in America, YY's father being a developer (and all that associated with property speculation in China), and, as well, me not being entirely comfortable because I don't have a full sense of all their finacial situations.

 

Funny story (kind'uv). At one point YY's father needed some financial help for his business and they were asking if I could loan them money. I said, "Sure, we can look at that." I asked to see finacial information regarding the properties he was developing. I wanted to see basic income and balance sheets. I suggested that we could either look at making a loan or we could possibly buy a stake in one of his ventures. I told them I wouldn't even consider it without fully understanding what we were getting into. Well, the whole issue got dropped after that. Several times they asked for the loan and each time I'd ask for paperwork. After a while they just quit asking.

 

The hard part of this is I don't think they understand. In China, I think if you're family, you probably just automatically make loans like this no questions asked. I'd even imagine the banks are not even asking for so much (it's amazing what deals can be made over a few dozen "gambei's").

 

This really is tough stuff. But I also know we'll get through it all. Love conquers all, you know!

[Guest enight]

hi ...robhon... saw your photoes... your wife is very pretty

[kevincs31]

Rant and rave alert....I apologize in advance.

 

...touchy subject for me after seeing too many guys get taken over this subject in three years of living overseas (and no, I was not one of them!) One girl did try though.....she was quickly shown the door.

 

Well....my two cents.....I work hard to save for my retirement. I busted my backside going to uni for too many years to make a good living and future for myself.

 

I do not expect my children, if I do have any, to support me when I am old. I totally understand the cultural difference on this subject. But to understand it does not mean one has to agree with it. To disagree does not mean a lack of understanding.

 

I told my g/f that I will not support someone's parents. Non-negotiable. After three years of living in Asia and seeing so many guys scammed on this, I have such a bad view on it. We are looked at, in many cases (not all), as walking ATM machines. The families pressure their daughter to squeeze the "wealthy" boyfriend/husband for money. Yes, it is their culture to do so, but does that mean we have to fall for it? One of the countries I lived in still had the dowry scam going on. Guys were draining their bank accounts to give to the father of the bride, a rice farmer, who would go out and blow it on cheap whiskey and hookers (the father would, that is, not the bride). Generalizations, of course, not all.

 

My friend's presented every excuse in the book (it's okay, it's not a lot of money) but soon becomes a lot as the family pressures her to squeeze even more from you.

 

Her family really needs it (what were they doing before you came around?)

 

It is their culture (since when do we have to adapt 100% to another's culture and them not adapt to ours at all, what ever happened to compromise?)

 

If the family got by before you met them, they will get by without your support.

 

Ask this basic question. What did they do for the last 20-30 years before you came into the picture? They got by without you is what they did. And they will get by yet again.

 

Sorry about the rant.....but enough is enough. To those who disagree, that is cool...no problem.....no hard feelings...

[beijingjenny]

It's not YOU who has to worry, it's the daughter. Whether she married you or not. And since you marry her you share some burden. That's not to say you have to give for every whim or excessive demand. I know a lot of money is spent on frivolous or unnecessary things. But remember this - no retirement schemes in this country in general. When the parents stop working, that's it for income. And for many, there's hardly enough to save during working years (esp with how much they often spend on the kids. That's partly why this expectation exists.

 

Mind you I edited a news some time ago that in some places the gov't is giving small pensions (and I mean *small*) to only-child parents who are getting to retirement age now. We'll see how that's going to work out in this "graying society".

 

Jenny

[Guest enight]

calm down please...

 

everyone has his/her choice... you can choose don't support anyone's parents or families, he/she can choose give everything he/she has to support 'someone's' families.

 

the world has human being of billions kinds, so, don't worry, you can find a girl who agrees with you do not support 'someone's families... the 'she' still can find the guy and 'squze' him to dry to support her 'alcoholic' father to buy a hooker.

 

life finds it's way... everyone is smart enough to survival.

 

so, calm down please.