Collecting Opinions

[JonInDenver]

Some of you may remember me from dark days of the "black hole group". I have updated "Our Story" for those of you who may want to see how things are going after a year and a half of marriage (it's great!).

 

I am assembling a collection of opinions and thoughts on how and why so many American men are marrying foreign wives. Along with the immigration statistics and hard numbers, I'd like to develop some basic concepts of the logical and emotional reasons more and more men are finding wives outside of the US with each passing year.

 

Knowing that you had a long road of paperwork and bureaucracy ahead of you, what made you decide to take this route? I'm trying to avoid all the usual stereotypes and cliches, but if your reason is cliche, let me hear it!

 

I know I had my reasons, I'm sure you have yours too.

 

I invite you to post your responses here on the forum, or e-mail me directly at OWriters@AOL.com. Including your full name and city is appreciated, but I will gladly include your input either way. As I am able to pull information together, I will try to feed it back to the group or make it available via e-mail.

 

 

Keep up the good fight, she's well worth it!

[MarkLuvsShuPing]

Before I married my wife, I remember having a discussion with a friend about my decision to travel half-way around the world to marry a woman I'd never physically met before. I remember saying that I felt Chinese women were dedicated to family and used to arranged marriages. I thought that a Chinese wife would be more dedicated to our marriage than an American woman.

 

I felt that American women were materialistic (in general) and more apt to use the phrase "What have you done for me lately?", while Chinese women would look beyond that and see marriage as a neccessary arrangement that would support a family. In other words, sacrifice for a marriage, so that the family can thrive.

 

I don't think I was wrong, though I generalized too much. Not all Chinese women are honest and dedicated. I got lucky.

[tonado]

This thread is similar

[frank1538]

This is a very tough question for me to answer. It's almost impossible for me to say why I married a woman from China rather than to say why I married Jingwen. In my compartmentalized head, I have had to re-frame the question as ¡°was the fact that Jingwen is from China a factor and, if so, why¡±? To this question, I answer yes, the fact that she is Chinese did have a bearing. But, I am sure as I write this, that Jingwen as a person and my wife will slip back in rather than Jingwen as a Chinese woman.

 

When Jingwen and I started corresponding, so many thoughts went through my mind about trying to develop a long distance relationship with a woman from China. As I look back now, I recall several things besides the obvious (distance, language, immigration challenges, etc). First, there was the excitement factor ¨C corresponding with a woman from the Far East, learning about her customs and traditions, seeing how she lives, and understanding her economic conditions. I thought that one couldn't get further from America than with a woman from China, and I found the differences both fascinating and alluring. I had been to China before, and found the country to be something to behold.

 

Without sounding paternalistic, I also sensed in me a need to expose my then fianc¨¦e to a different and perhaps better life. Whether western lifestyles are better is debatable, but at the time, I felt a desire to be able to help this woman see what else life had to offer, both from a material perspective and socio-political perspective. I don¡¯t think I could have said the same about a woman from Japan or Korea. In my mind, Japan just seemed too modern, having already embraced many western attitudes and lifestyle options, and every time I think of Korea, I think of Seoul, another partially westernized city. I may be way off base with my perceptions of Japan and Korea, but, in my mind, it was China or nothing. A Chinese woman just seemed further from the West, and I wanted to show her these new and exciting things in just the same way that she was showing me new and exciting things.

 

Jingwen¡¯s children were passing through their last teenage years, and I also knew that she wanted things better for them. Jingwen is by no means destitute. She owns her apartment in Zhanjiang where her mom and dad (now deceased) live. Most of her sisters had married well and live very comfortable lives in China, but I sensed that something was lacking. It was as if she was resigned to the fact that she was over 40 and this single mother life of hers was going to be the same until the end. She had raised two wonderful children without a father, but despite an extended family, I knew that life was hard. She does not have a formal education, nor do the children, and I knew I could provide at least the children with opportunities that did not seem to exist in China.

 

From my own selfish perspective, I had tired of the high maintenance associated with marriage to an American, not only during the marriage but after my ex filed for divorce. To paraphrase Lewis Grizzard (divorced 5 times, I think), he finally got tired of divorce so, rather than getting married and then divorced, he said that every five years he would just find a woman he hated and buy her a house. Personally, I was sick and tired of the meanness that often comes from someone having money and wanting more. When someone initiates the divorce, as my ex did, I can tell you from personal experience, it¡¯s all about money and how much she thinks she deserves. After all, it was hers during the marriage, so it should be hers after the divorce.

 

Again, it is hard to keep Jingwen and ¡°Chinese woman¡± separate, but I felt that greed was not a driver for many Chinese women. Money perhaps, a better life perhaps, more choices perhaps, but rarely greed in its pure and evil sense. Jingwen was a breath of fresh air, a woman whose focus was on the family and her husband. This suited me just fine since my focus is on my wife.

[NY-Viking]

Well for me, I lived in China for many years and met, started dating and even lived with my fiance while I was there. I would have just as soon married an American woman (and not had to deal with the visa hassles now), but I'm in love with her. The fact that she's Chinese certainly has something to do with who she is, but it's not why I chose to marry her.

[Alex]

Hard to answer this question because there are so many factors. I'd had a bad run with Western women and their materialistic attitudes . I felt as though I was constantly under pressure to impress the ladies I encountered.

 

It wasn't enough that I was respectful, loyal, gentle, naturally generous, considerate, and kind....I wanted someone who would reciprocate ..nothing selfish about that! ....it seemed as though the women I met were interested in what my money could buy them...rather than what we could build in a serious relationship. All that, and Western women like to sleep around ...not my style..I am not saying ALL Western women carry these traits, just the ones I met. Surprisingly enough, these are women I met at private parties..not in bars or discos.

 

I knew Asia had many women whose priority is good foundation and stable family. I made a concious decision to seek my emotional fortune in a country so vastly different from ours...a place not yet cluttered the downside of Western attitudes. Anyway, I went to China because I truly believed I would find what I was looking for....and I did! I will sum up our relationship with a simple word that carries so much weight ..."joy" My Michelle is the food of my soul and peace in my heart. I am a very lucky man!

[mike_m]

When I took an assignment in China in March 2000 marriage was probably the farthest thing from my mind. I wasn't opposed to the idea of a Chinese wife, but that certainly was not my objective when I took the assignment.

 

About a year later I found myself dating one of the most wonderful people I have met in my life. I left China in Oct 2001 and have only returned for one visit almost two years ago. I'm hoping to make another trip this fall to see this wonderful woman again.

 

Since leaving China in 2001 I have grown much closer to her through mail, email and telephone conversations and around the first of the year we decided that we wanted to be together forever. This relationship really has nothing to do with her being Chinese and me being American. The relationship is based on love and mutual respect and I would be in love with her no matter what her nationality or ethnic origin.

 

Yep, she is Chinese, but that is really just a coincidence.

[beijingjenny]

And what about Chinese men? I've heard some (okay, just a few people bashing American women, but I would add that Chinese men are more loyal and treat women better, to make a broad generalization.

 

But I agree with those that say it's the person, not the country - how you two happen to connect in your own ideas of an ideal mate... I never, ever expected to even live in China must less marry here, but strange things happen in life

[eeyore]

I too never planned to marry a foreign national, but life as taught me to expect the unexpected. I love my wife very much and we have a lot in common. We both found what we are looking for in the other person, very amazing considering we are both come from such different back grounds.